J: Still

Here it is, two month later and I still go back and forth about whether I did the right thing by breaking up with myself for Mr. September.

Still, I wonder if I made a mistake.

Still, I wonder if I was too impatient. I wonder if I should have given it more time.

Still, I wonder if I should have relaxed more…to let it just be what it was.

I still miss him. I still wonder what he did for Christmas Eve…for Christmas Day…for the time that we both have off work. I wonder whether he has plans for New Year’s Eve. I wonder if his kid had a blast on Christmas morning. I wonder whether he made it all the way through the LOST series, what he thought of the ending and whether he actually bought that wetsuit and is still out on the lake, despite these chilly temperatures.

It’s ridiculous. I know. It’s also pathetic…we’ve now been apart for longer than we were together. And, at this point, in my head, I realize that it’s probably not Mr September himself so much as that little taste that he gave me of that meaningful relationship that I’ve been trying so hard to find.

When we first started seriously dating, we became friends on facebook. When we broke up I kept him as a “friend” but to keep myself from obsessing I blocked him from showing up on my feed. It still takes everything in my power though, not to check out his wall to see what he’s been up to.

He, on the other hand, has obviously not done the same thing. Within the last month, he’s “liked” my status no less than 4 times.

The first time it happened, I was thrilled…maybe it was a “sign”. Maybe he was still interested? Maybe he was reaching out? Obviously he’d been watching what I’d been up to! My friends who I freaked out to about it all reassured me that it was just a gesture of friendship…he probably just honestly liked my status. Still, immediately following the “like” I hoped for more…a call…a text…anything. But I waited and…NOTHING.

The next “like” did the same thing to me, to a lesser extent.

By this most recent “like”, I was just pissed. Is he really so clueless?

If this keeps making me so upset I should do something about it, right? But what? Defriend him? No way! I left the door open when I broke up because I LIKE the guy. I didn’t want to shut off the opportunity for anything more, if he would ever come to his senses and decide I was worth dating after all. Defriending would be slamming that door closed.

Defriending would also be saying “you hurt me so badly, I can’t even handle seeing you show up occasionally, electronically.” My pride won’t let me do that either.

Yet all I wanted for Christmas this year (other than being able to complete this challenge: CHECK!) was a call from him, asking me out because he has realized that he wants me in his life. I think that I just want the opportunity to try again. I want to know, beyond a doubt that I did the right thing by giving space. But...I also want to be liked back. I want to be truly cherished. I deserve that.

And since that’s obviously not happening, wish #2 is to figure out SOME way to get over the guy once and for all.

Yes. I know. Pathetic. I'll move on, people, I promise! I won't keep posting about this guy. This will be the last time for me to go on and on about this pitiful stuck state that I can't seem to escape.

I guess Christmas just made me nostalgic for something that I thought I had that never really existed.

Aaah...well. It's way past time to be moving on. Bring on the next one...and Santa Baby, make him a good one this time, okay?

J: A Very Merry Christmas for Jane

Earlier this week, my half-December date asked me to meet him out tonight (Christmas Eve) for some dancing. When I said that I wasn’t sure what my plans were, he tried to convince me to come by bribing me with the promise of a Christmas gift.

So, I was thinking that since he wanted me to meet him out so badly that he was resorting to bribery, the least I could do was consider it an official DATE.

And then, today, he started a conversation via text to make sure that I wasn’t going to back out due to the mass amounts of rain that started pouring down…which turned into a Princess Bride quoting contest (Cute, no?)…which turned into an invitation to pre-dancing dinner. (Definitely a date!)

So, dinner it was, and then dancing. Lots and lots of dancing!

Which means that today, Christmas Eve, marks the day that I completed this challenge! I have officially gone out with (at least) one guy per month for an entire year. I actually accomplished what I considered to be impossible, just 365 days ago!

What a perfect Christmas gift…it was just what I was hoping for!

Now please, don’t get me wrong…I didn’t go out tonight just to check the box. I really do like this guy. We’ve had a BLAST dancing together. And dancing tonight was no different.

Plus, I must say that it was nice to have a little romance on the night when the rest of the world is snuggled up with their families.

We ended the night with a big hug and a “thank you” and a “Merry Christmas, see ya soon!”

And we will actually see each other soon…the next time we’re both out dancing. But, what I wanna know is whether Mr. December (because, he now has officially earned the full name) will call and suggest additional non-dancing activities. Because, if (when) he does, I’ll say yes.

J: A December Almost-date

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been flirting with a NEW dancing guy. He’s in my classes, I see him out socially, and our West Coast Swing can’t be beat! I know that he’s interested in me. While he hadn’t asked me out…a girl can just tell…

Last night was my dance studio’s big bi-yearly show and both this new guy and I were performing. While the two of us weren’t dancing together for the actual performance, we had the chance to dance together between acts and spent the hours that we had to be there before the show, hanging out together.

The performance went pretty late and it wasn’t until after it was over that I realized that I hadn’t eaten anything all day (too worried about nerves getting the best of me!) So, as we were chatting after the event had wound down and everyone was getting ready to go, I mentioned that I was craving a big stack of pancakes and he suggested that we go get some. And, naturally,

I agreed.

Immediately!

I was thinking three things:
#1: Yay! I get to hang out with this guy and actually get to know him a little bit better.
#2: Hooray! A December date!
#3: Mmmmm….pancakes!

But, as we were finalizing our “where” a friend of ours (and fellow performer) walked up, heard us talking and invited herself along.

It was a nice meal together but a little strange. The guy and I split an omelet and pancakes, the friend got a separate dinner of her own. The guy and I sat by each other and did most of the talking, the friend was strangely silent. It truly felt like the guy and I were on a date, and the friend was there as our chaperone.

So…while #1 and #3 worked out for me, I don’t think that I can officially count this as a December date. Maybe I could consider it to be ½ a date? An almost-date? Call him Mr. Dece and hope that Mr. mber shows up too, in the next 11 days?

He DID ask.

He DID pay.

We DID get to know each other better.

There was the INTENT…it was the execution that didn’t quite work out.

S: Mr. November FTW aka Sheila is Off the Market

I have just pulled my profile off of OkCupid.

Mr. November has won.

There will be no Mr. December. I'm not even going to be cynical enough to believe there is the possibility that things with Mr. November could go down in flames before the end of the month.

I may have thrown up on a few of the loop-the-loops, but the thrills were worth the ride. I'm back on the roller coaster.

And I can promise you already that this one will have far fewer scary drops.

I guess I have to turn in my Spinster card again.

With a GIANT smile on my face.

J: Yoo-hoo…Mr. December???

Will there be a Mr. December? I’m thinking maybe not.

With the big holiday and the general stress and emotion around being alone that all of us singles feel, I don’t know how many guys are really looking for a first date this month.

Also, with my switch over to eHarmony, things have slowed waaaaay down. Mainly because of their torturous “guided communication” process where you have to go through 5 million different stages of communication before you can actually email back and forth and get a feeling for who the guy really is…as well as show a bit of personality, yourself.

I’ve had over 170 “matches” so far and not one of them has gotten to that “open communication” stage.

Granted, I haven’t actually begun communication with even a fraction of those 170 matches.

Most of them are awful. Terrible. At least from their profile…(or honestly…from their pictures.) But, I’m still trying to keep moving forward with those that I’ve started the process with…and I’ll keep trying.

But, realistically…finding a Mr. December via the eHarmony route isn’t looking all that promising.

I have been flirty with a guy that I’ve been dancing with lately. We were chatting about facebook and at one point he said “didn’t we talk about this already” and I said “We don’t really talk, we yell” (in reference to the fact that we only talk when we’re dancing because when we’re around each other, it’s always in a dancing setting) and THEN I threw out the “we should go to dinner or something…I want to hear your story” comment (yes…one that I’ve been planning for a week or so) and he immediately agreed with me but then we both were distracted and the conversation didn't go any further.

So, now, we’ll see if he takes the bait. I’ve put my neck out a bit…it’s his turn to take it the rest of the way. If he does…great! If not…oh well, I guess.

Because, honestly, I’m not all that worried about actually finding a December. While I’ve hit every single other month of this challenge, I’m not feeling a driving need to claim a December date. For the year, I’ve gone out with 13 guys already. Isn’t a good baker’s dozen enough?

Obviously, I’m not going to say no if the new dancing guy actually asks me out for coffee. And I’ll keep working that dismal eHarmony scene.

But, if I just don’t find anyone worthy of the title of “Mr. December"…I’m thinking that I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

S: Living in the Recent Past

I don't care what any of the calendars say...in Sheila's World, it is still very much November.

Mr. November, that is.

After two official dates and four extra-curricular get togethers, Mr. November is beginning to look a whole lot like trouble.

I want to move slowly, but definitely in a forward trajectory. I am rather curious about the potential of this guy. I'm really not sure how he got thrown back in the bin.

Nor am I sure where he is in that healing process. I am acutely aware of the danger of this situation.

And acutely excited about it.

But now we have reached the point when it's time to tell stories. We have plans every night this weekend. One of them really needs to involve some "ok, time to let the real shit out" talking. Time to find out where the cracks in the marble are.

And time to find out if I'm going to let the last month of this little experiment pass without trying to get a date. So far I don't care to communicate with another guy. None of them make me laugh like he does. None of them treat me with respect like he does. None of them have crushes on my cats like he does.

And none of them keep my hands warm and my face smiley.

Trouble, I tell you. Trouble.

J: This year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to somebody special

Lately, I’ve been feeling all sorts of sorry for my single self.

It’s Christmas again, a YEAR after this experiment started and I’m still alone!

I’ve been seriously grumpy, disappointed, and dreading this entire month.

Ask around! Everyone will tell you that basically, I’ve been the definition of "Bah Humbug".

But, on Sunday I went to church and the pastor spoke directly to me. He said that you see what you focus your sights on. The perfect example that he gave was car shopping. Once you start thinking about the car that you want, all of a sudden there are thousands of that exact car (in the exact color you want) out on the road. They’re EVERYWHERE!

I realized that I’ve been focusing on the one big rejection I got this year, which has made me blind to the fact that acceptance is all around me.

I’m surrounded by it!

I haven’t missed a single month of this challenge. I got the vacation fling I hoped for. Mr. October would do anything to get a call back from me telling him that I wanted a relationship. Mr. November probably would too. The guy I met out dancing the other night would definitely have asked me out if I had given him even a half of a chance.

And all I see is rejection?

All I see is a holiday month ahead of me, filled with loneliness?

Not only do I have the potential for love (albeit with guys I’m not interested in), I’ve been overlooking the fact that I actually already have love.

I have people who love me. I have friends who truly want me to spend Christmas with them & their families. They want me there to share the season, their traditions, their joy. They truly care about me…whether I’m happy or sad…at my best or my worst…they LOVE me.

The way to make it through this Christmas is not to be sad and depressed that I’m all alone. The way to not only survive but also truly enjoy and appreciate this year’s holiday is to focus on the love that I already have around me instead of focusing on the lack of romantic “love” that promises big but never truly delivers.

Plus, I can focus on appreciating being single for another year, and the best benefit of all: no inlaws!!!

S: Appropriate or Not?

I'm going to let you be the judge. I just had this exchange via a certain dating site. Keep in mind that I have never communicated with this person before.

Him
Subject: question
Entire Message: Do you have kids or can you still make babies just wondering?

Me
Subject: Re: question
Entire Message: What a ridiculously inappropriate and personal question to ask a stranger. Not cool.

Him
Subject: Re: question
Entire Message: Huh? Your selling yourself on a personals web site where people go to find a husband or wife and you can't answer a simple question can you make babies something so simple? Wow just what a man wants a woman who can't talk honestly truth and Yes! Personal matters! Got news for You! I can still make babies and clearly You can't.. Why else would a skinny ass uppity blond be on-line unless her major flaw was she can't make babies... Screw your cool. I like honesty and truth. Something your also clearly flawed at.....

end exchange

I don't know. I thought my response was pretty honest. And, coincidentally, I actually use my name on the site. This fellow does not.

I do like the label "skinny ass uppity blond". Very Diane from Cheers.

What do you think? Is "can you still make babies" a proper opening line?

Footnote: If I really wanted to know, my reciprocal question would be "can you make female orgasms?" Because I bet not. Why else would some old fart who could still make babies be online?

S: Well Done, Mr. November

What a great date!

I haven’t had that fantastic a date since…well, you know…Mr. Old News.

It didn’t even feel like a date. It had all the trappings of a date, but it just felt like hanging out and having some laughs with a friend.

I don’t mean to put Mr. November in the friend category, I just mean that it was comfortable. We spoke the same language. There wasn’t all that awkward date pressure.

I never even checked the time. Instead of 45 minutes feeling like an hour and a half, 5 and a half hours felt like 45 minutes. We closed down a bar on a Tuesday night.

I’m guessing that part may have helped. Dinner wine and after martinis got us to relax a bit. Hopefully we don’t always have to be enjoying beverages to have fun, but for the first time at bat, the nectar of Bacchus prevented any “Oh my God it’s the longest time anyone has ever gone without speaking!” moments.

Not that we got schnockered or anything. We are responsible adults. And it was a Tuesday.

Anyway. Fantastic date. Kudos go to Mr. November. I had so much fun that I am looking forward to the next time we go out. No obligatory second date this time. I actually want to see him again. Not because I hope he’ll do better, but because I don’t think he could do any better.

And really, at this point, we have such a long list of restaurants we want to eat at that we’ll probably have to go out for a year just to get to all of them. Which doesn’t seem like a bad idea, other than the sheer quantity of calories consumed.

Judging by our first meal together anyway. Our dinner was delicious. I twisted his arm to get a particularly tasty appetizer, but he loved it so I’m sure it only endeared me to him. That’s the hope, I guess. Our dinner conversation was good. Lots of good get-to-know-you stuff without just sticking to the obvious, boring crap, but also avoiding the kinds of things you just shouldn’t talk about on a first date.

After dinner, as planned, we went down the street for drinks at a fun little neighborhood martini bar. There was laughing. There was chatting. There was arm touching. And, I even got recognized. Yes, that’s right, Little Miss Thang does some internet videos and independent movies sometimes and every once in a while, people in her not-so-big city recognize her from these things when she is out. This is always a strange experience. And never before have I experienced it on a date. I tried to be cool about it. I then demanded loudly that everyone stop staring at me…there was nothing to see…I’m just a person like they are. Do you think that seems cocky?

Time flew by and we decided since we were the only ones left, they may want to close the bar. And now we get to the ever-popular end of date random chat until he decides what move he is or isn’t going to make.

I have determined that there is absolutely no way to avoid the awkwardness at the end of a first date. From now on, I’m just going to call attention to it. I’m tired of ignoring the elephant in the room. I have a new theory on how it should be handled, but Jane made me promise to write it in a separate post, so I can’t tell you what it is right now.

Anyway, we fell victim to the typical first date ending. We stood outside awkwardly making goodbye sounds while he tried to decide what the best move was. I just wanted to say good night and head to my car. He wanted some sort of physical punctuation to the evening.

I’m not a first date kisser. If I remember correctly from the early days of Guy, I was mocked for my physical distance over many of our first encounters. What can I say? I’m slow. It takes me a while to feel comfortable with that sort of thing. I have to assess the situation and see how I feel about everything.

I have a circle of safety.

Because it was such a great date and I am interested in future great dates, I was kind and didn’t just rush to my car, but I really didn’t want a kiss. Or anything. The result of this was a strange half hug and what amounted to him smelling my hair.

People always like how my hair smells, so this probably worked in my favor anyway.

After this tragic denouement, we good nighted and made our separate ways. I wasn’t bothered by it because it was to be expected. I was enjoying the after glow of a very good time. I thought it might have bothered him a bit though.

It is because of this that I allowed myself to be the first to text. This is not usually how it happens, but I thought maybe I’d throw him a life preserver after that. The text was random and meaningless, but it opened the lines of communication and after a short exchange, he apologized for the awkward end to the date. I told him I wasn’t worried about it because that’s just how it goes and that we’d power through. It was certainly nothing that required an apology.

This seemed to set his mind at ease.

At this point, we have already determined what our next date will be, we just haven’t discussed when. And I'm very much looking forward to it. More food and fun is slated and I’m guessing it won’t disappoint. The disappointment will be how busy our schedules are this month and how long it might take to be able to get together.

In the meantime, we will continue to have text and email conversations. He has become the one who I always hope the dinging on my phone is heralding. He’s the one I want to hear from now.

This is the delightful side effect of a good date. Forward movement. There was some static from Guy over the last week. A couple of times he came close to asking to come over. And guess what. I don’t want him to.

Come over that is.

I do want him to ask. Because, for the first time, I could tell him that I’m seeing someone and I don’t want to screw it up by carrying on some stuck-in-a-rut affair with my ex-boyfriend. For the first time, I’m more interested in someone else than in him. For the first time, I can see how somebody else might be better.

Well done, Mr. November.

J: Cruisin' Connection

Soooo…I know after my last post, this won’t surprise you: I ended up having a ‘Love Boat’ experience of my very own with my piano man.

Apparently, meeting someone on vacation is not like meeting someone in real life.

Suddenly, you’re faced with a situation where you know that once the week's over, you’re never going to see the other person again….or at least it’s highly unlikely that your paths will ever cross. And in addition to the lack of a future, the time that you have together in the present is exceptionally limited, requiring the courtship process to speed along at a breakneck pace.

I saw “short-term-fun-time” when I looked into his eyes. I didn’t see either of us making wedding plans or naming our 2.5 children. So all the compliments & appreciation he showered on me was enjoyable instead of freaking me out & driving me away (as Mr. October’s did).

Plus, I had the added benefit of ‘dating’ a star of the ship. We hung out with his dueling-piano buddies when we were out and everywhere we went, they were showered with compliments and adoration and free drinks. These guys were seriously good! (Even my dad, at one point, proudly told me about his encounter with ‘the piano guys’ at lunch one day and how excited he was to get to chat with them. Little did he know…) ;)

And, due to being a performer on the ship and paid by the cruiseline, my piano guy was officially “staff”. So, in addition to the excitement of hanging with a ‘celebrity’ I also got the thrill of sneaking around, Dirty Dancing style since he was basically putting his job on the line by ‘fraternizing with a guest’.

As the week wound to a close, we exchanged phone numbers (and last names). And, believe it or not, since disembarking, we have actually texted. We also have an understanding that if he ever ends up in my city, he’ll give me a call.

But, I’m not holding my breath. I’m not waiting by the phone.

It was what it was. And that’s all that it was. And that’s all that it will be.

And both of us understood that without a word being said.

There’s no obsessing.

There’s no rejection.

There’s no playing out the relationship into the future...wondering about Christmas plans, or whether his family would like me, or wondering how to deal with all that baggage from previous relationships.

There's no freaking out about why he hasn't called.

And, those red flags? No matter!

It was just enjoying the moment, in the moment, for what it was.

And it was fantastic!!!

J: Cruisin' Solo

Well….apparently, since this cruise spans the Thanksgiving holiday, it’s the PERFECT one for families. This is obviously not the week for singles to be traveling. There are quite a few hot guys on this ship but inevitably, about 5 seconds after I’ve spotted one, the beautiful wife shows up or the darling kids run over and hang on his shirt tails…and another one is crossed off my list.

To increase my odds of meeting someone on this cruise, I’ve been attending the “Sailing Solo” meetings. Unfortunately, however, the average age of that crowd is approximately 55. Not good. Granted, there were about 3 guys who were closer to my age, but none of them were remotely interesting…even though each one of them, in their own awkward way tried hitting on me.

Well…I guess I should say, that was my experience up until yesterday when the guys from the dueling pianos act showed up at our singles event. All three of them were super cute…and musicians (remember how I feel about musicians?? Yum!) and, as piano players, aren’t they pretty much guaranteed to have magic fingers? ;)

So, the four of us sat around chatting over our drinks…and I obviously hit it off with one of them more than the others and before I had to leave to meet my parents for dinner, he made sure that I’d be going to at that evening’s big party. Which I was.

After dinner, we met up at the party and danced together and then took a walk together on the main deck and ended up making out on the smaller, sunbathing deck which was by this point in the evening completely deserted.

Nothing “real” is going to happen with this guy. He works on a cruise ship, and lives such a different life from me.

Plus, this would be uber-long distance…and I can’t handle “long distance” when the guy is just an hour away.

Plus, we're not exactly in the same place, emotionally either...he’s still a little messed up from a relationship of his own that recently went sour. (Wow...that seems to be happening a lot these days).

Plus, unfortunately, the guy really didn't get any of my jokes. There were a lot of "oh, that was a joke, right" comments from him. Uhhh...yeah.

But, there was chemistry. Definitely, there was chemistry...

And, this is a cruise ship...

And I’m on vacation...

So, tonight we’re meeting up after he’s done with his dueling pianos performance of the night and we’ll see where this thing goes.

J: Cruisin’ with the 'rents

I’m sitting in an airport waiting for the flight that will take me to Miami and the start of my family’s Caribbean cruise.

This one is with my parents and my brother and I’m doing my very best to be excited about it. But the thing about family vacations when both kids are still single is that they can quickly rewind the clock 20 years and bring out the worst in everyone. It would be different if I was doing this with a husband and a kid….or just a husband…or even just a *boyfriend*. At least in that situation, I would still be seen as an adult by my parents.

But, we’ve never been on a cruise before. And it’s been a very very long time since our last family vacation. So, who knows, it might be fabulous. It might also be extremely frustrating.

I am planning to spend time with the family but I’m also really, really hoping for a nice “Love Boat” experience. It could happen, right? I hear that they have tons of singles events on board and surely other single guys who were dragged along will be looking for a little holiday romance as well, right?

And, luckily, I’m not sharing a room with my brother (although he will be next door…with the ‘rents just across the hall.)

I’ve had my November date and it’s not quite December yet so this would purely be a ‘bonus’ opportunity in regards to this challenge.

Who knows…anything can happen if I keep my mind open.

I specifically brought my computer along for blogging purposes....even though I won't be logging in due to the per-minute cost on the ship. So, while there will be some radio silence for awhile, hopefully I'll have a bunch of posts for you when this vacation is done.

Wait...or maybe I should hope that I don't blog at all since I'll be too busy having fun and won't have time to be on my computer at all.

Fingers crossed, friends...fingers crossed.

S: November Cup Update

And we have a winner!

The November Cup has been taken by Contender the Third!

At the start of the race, C3 had worked his way into the lead by being the only contender to have actually made mention of a social outing. And, only a few laps in, this contender earned a decisive victory by suggesting dinner early next week.

We went a few rounds about where we would eat, because I’m notoriously bad at choosing a restaurant, but the message exchange was actually quite fun. He plays along very well and we feel the same way about a lot of food related topics. This is promising for dinner conversation. We’ll see if he ends up being any better at in-person bantering than the last two Misters.

After the flurry of exchanges to get our plans hashed out, I found myself disappointed that there wouldn’t be more to discuss. What do you email about once the date has been made when the original intent of your messages was to get a date made? I didn’t want our exchanges to come to a screeching halt. I was having too much fun.

Good thing I’m a master of random crap. I threw out some odd topics of conversation and the banter continued. Until now. Because he left town for the weekend.

And now I kind of miss Contender the Third. The newly crowned Mr. November. I found myself looking forward to his responses to my random crap. He takes the bait I put out for him and he makes me laugh. And then sets out new bait for me.

I’m actually looking forward to our date as more than just a quota filler after the last week of back-and-forth. I didn’t feel a great connection during the group drinks last week, but now that the ice is broken and it will just be the two of us, perhaps things will flow a bit better. We both have a better sense of what can be discussed safely with the other and we have a little bit of shared history to get us going.

And wine. There will be wine. And martinis. This will definitely take the edge off. But not too much. It’s good to have a little edge. It’s much easier to keep one’s distance when sober.

So that’s it. The November Cup has been decided. I was sweating this one, but a worthy stallion has come through.

In a late breaking photo finish, Contender the First also suggested a get together for drinks not a couple of hours after I accepted Contender the Third’s dinner request. I’d rather have Contender the Fourth cross the finish line for December, but it looks like I’ll be able to keep C1 at the starting gate for an early take-off next month.

Then I have to figure out what to do with the remaining contenders.

S: The November Cup

I just checked the calendar…we are halfway through November. This worries me because I have yet to score any date plans. And I’m not sure I will. This month is running low on weekends and one of them is a holiday. Scheduling options are getting scarce.

I have a few Mr. Possibilities I’ve been working on, but I don’t know if any of them will hit the “go out” button in the next couple of weeks. Every one of them seems close, and yet…nothing. And I’m still in this place of feeling like I can’t do the asking because I think it makes the subsequent “I don’t want to get involved” chat more difficult. I mean, why do the asking if I’m not interested? How do I explain that?

So it’s going to be a race to the finish this month. Here are the 3 contenders for the title of Mr. November. At this point, they are neck-and-neck. And I may get left in the dust.

Contender the First -

There is a fella I’ve been exchanging messages with on my chosen dating site. He started the conversation by letting me know he was amused by my profile. Not the first time I’ve heard that, but if a guy says it in an interesting way, I’ll respond. He seems intelligent, can banter and hasn’t made any overt, disrespectful sexual remarks. My tactic with this contender is to keep encouraging talk of food preferences we have in common in order to work my way into a lunch or dinner invitation.

There are two major issues with C1. First, he’s still married. He’s listed himself as “separated.” I don’t know what this means, but right now I couldn’t be more done with dealing with Bitter Divorce Guys (BDGs). (To be fair, I haven’t yet sensed his bitterness, but I have yet to meet a divorced guy on the dating scene who isn’t). And if he’s not even actually divorced? He’s all kinds of potential train wreck. But, all I need is one date. One dinner and a kind “I can’t see getting involved while you’re still married and dealing with this crap.” Just one. This month. Like…now.

The other issue, you ask? He is currently out of the country. Yes…you read right…*out of the country*. Just as I was working my, get-him-to-ask-me-out-and-make-sure-he-thinks-it’s-his-idea magic, he sends a message saying he’s getting on a plane and crossing the pond. Great, I’m trying to get a date on the calendar in the next couple of weeks and he leaves the country. The good news is that he sent me a message from over seas. I was surprised by that effort. Definitely a sign of interest. I guess we’ll see what happens when he gets back. Just need that one date. You know…yesterday.

Contender Uno may be lagging behind the pack due to his relative proximity to me and any place we might go together.

Contender the Second -

There is another fella I’ve been conversing with on the same dating site. I sent him a random message a while back and finally got a response apologizing for the delay in reply. Again, just like Contender the First, he seems intelligent and fun to banter with, but I’m not that excited about him. He corrects me. Don’t correct me. That’s just rude. We have some grammar pet peeves in common, which gives us something to chat about, but I can’t deal with hanging out with a corrector. You spend too much time wondering if you’re saying the wrong thing and if he’s judging you. And then you have to try really hard not to correct in response to his corrections.

BUT, I just need the one date. It just doesn’t seem like he’s going to ask. We exchange friendly messages, but he doesn’t seem in any hurry to meet. He asks me what my plans are for the weekend, but then doesn’t really take it anywhere from there. I’ve started to believe that he will not be asking me out in time for him to be Mr. November. If at all.

Which, in reality, I don’t mind. I’m not very interested in him. Actually, if we did go out, I think the lack of spark/interest would be mutual. I think finally I would find myself in a situation in which we both know it’s not going any further and we’ll both be fine with it. (Also, I suspect he may be writing a secret blog about dating too…he’s not the dating site type.)

Even so, Contender the Second is picking up the rear with Contender the First at this point, due to his lack of a sense of urgency.

Contender the Third -

This contender has been added to the roster by more traditional means. He’s my second fix-up of the Date Club Challenge. Guy was the first fix-up, although a subtle one. Ok, he was more of an ambush, but I’m paying the price for it, so I don’t feel bad.

Anyway, a friend suggested a fix-up between me and a guy who works in her office and I told her I was o.k. with it, knowing full well I need to get a November on the books. So, she set up an after work drink get-together between the three of us and another friend. It went well. He’s a nice guy. Very congenial and polite. The four of us had some good conversation over some drinks and appetizers.

Buuuuut, no spark. My friend called right after, and before her phone died, I told her if he asked me out I would go, but that I didn’t feel any strong sparks flying around. Frankly, if he didn’t ask me out, I’d be fine. But we didn’t get to talk much, so maybe there’s more there.

Here’s the little bit of news she passed on to me during our brief post mortem chat…he’s getting divorced. Like, right now. His divorce is final this week. Again, he didn’t behave like a BDG, but he’s going through this as I type. He can’t be in a good place.

I suppose this isn’t a bad thing. It gives us both a safe reason not to get involved. No need to reject anyone personally. We have an “out.”

Back to the race. Contender the Third moved to the head of the pack today by being the only one to actually have suggested a social outing together. As is the modern custom, C3 friended me on Facebook a day or two after our fix-up and began a conversation. We’ve been having some fun going back and forth for a few days and both playing the “how can I create an ask-out situation without going out on a limb” game. It’s working.

I got a bit concerned when he said he was out of town for the next two weekends and how did December sound, but then he also added that we could possibly go out during the week. I made a push for during the week.

Place your bets on Contender the Third. He’s a few lengths ahead.

BUT WAIT! Another stallion has just entered the race.

Contender the Fourth –

The very thoughtful dating site will sometimes send me mate suggestions. Most of them are frightening. This one was not. This one is tasty. And he sent me a message. Yay! I do like hearing from the tasty ones.

He has some catching up to do and I’m not sure he’ll make it, but he does seem interested. He’s younger than I’d like. And, if we go out, I could see him being a bit cocky for my tastes, but he comes across as a nice guy in his messages and hasn’t gotten creepy yet. And no sign of a divorce.

And did I mention the tasty? Yum.

I don’t imagine he’ll catch up to the other contenders at this late date, but he might. He certainly has the confidence to. I won’t have to do a lot of encouraging. This is not a contender who gets shot down.

If he doesn’t win the November Cup, my bets are definitely on him for December.

So, the race is on. Four contenders. Two weeks. Can Sheila pull this one out or is she going to owe Mr. Piggy? Put on your best hat, sip your mint julep and sit back and enjoy the show.

J: Free

Done.

After much, much stressing and a very difficult, much longer than it should have been discussion, I’ve finally broken up with Mr. October.

He’s willing to slow way down. He’s willing to give me all the time I need. He’s willing to just be friends. Anything, anything, anything I want, just so he can be in my life.

I suck.

I’m supposed to call him when I’ve had time to think about it. I’m supposed to call him when I figure it all out. I’m supposed to contact him when I’m ready to go out again…as a friend or ‘hopefully more’.

And…ouch…doesn’t that plan sound familiar?

It’s not going to happen. I’m not going to call. I can’t go there emotionally and it’s just not fair to him to let him think we could be friends, knowing that he would always want it to turn into more.

Ouch…that sounds familiar too.

So....moving on!

In other news: now that Mr. October can’t think it’s because I want to be exclusive with him, I also dumped OKCupid tonight. Yes…my profile is officially down (at least until I log back in again, which I don’t see happening any time soon.)

I have a couple of prospects for December. Hopefully one of them will work out without the assistance of a free (crappy) online dating site.

So long, OKC...you brought me nothing but heartache!!!

Two breakups in one night. No more Mr. October. No more OKCupid.

I feel free. I feel relieved. I feel like a jerk.

J: Chicken Shit

I suck.

Just called to cancel my date with Mr. October. But I wasn't able to find a way to have 'the conversation'.

I texted my bestest guy friend to admit that I chickened out. His response: "Jane...you should have done it last week."

Yeah. I know.

The sad thing is...I think Mr. October knows too. He avoided any "I must see you" type of comments...which meant that I didn't really have an opening to go into my prepared "we're not in the same place" speech that I was planning to launch into from there.

He did ask me to call him tomorrow. I owe him this conversation. Maybe I'll figure out how to just blurt it all out by then.

Why am I feeling so trapped by someone I've only gone out with twice?

J: Breaking up...again

Yaaaaay.

In less than a month, I get to have my second break-up discussion.

Fun.

After only two dates, three phone conversations and a handfull of texts, Mr. October has completely, totally and absolutely fallen for me. And while so much flattery is nice, I just can't bring myself to pretend anymore.

He called yesterday to tell me how excited he is about seeing me on our date that was scheduled for tonight. Apparently, instead of going to a local movie theater where you can get dinner while you watch your movie, he wants to go to dinner and then to a movie so that we can spend even more time together. He also expressed his interest in seeing me as much as possible and at least "more than once a week". But I'm leaving for a cruise with my family (I'll be blogging about this soon, too) on Friday and my calendar is pretty much filled up for the rest of the week with other pre-existing plans and last minute trip preparation tasks.

If I were actually interested in him, instead of making excuses about how busy I am, wouldn't I have found a day, an evening, or even just a spare hour to see him before I left the country for over a week? I didn't even really want to give him my email address when he asked if we could stay in touch while I'm away. I just didn't want that much of a 'responsibility' while I'm on vacation. Plus, quite honestly, I wouldn't be all that upset to find myself in the middle of a little on-board romance.

Unfortunately, when I woke up this morning, it was pretty apparent that I'm finally succumbing to this cold that I've been fighting off all week. Fortunately, Mr. October knows from yesterday's phone call, that I'm not feeling my best. So, while I know that it's not going to make him happy, I'm going to call and cancel our date for tonight due to the level of crappy that I'm feeling. I'm also going to take advantage of being on the phone with him to tell him that while I really and truly enjoy spending time with him we're just not at the same place. And I don't see us getting there.

I know where I went, emotionally, with Mr. September despite the fact that he wasn't able to go there with me. And it's just not fair to let this 'relationship' progress any further when I can tell that Mr. October is already headed down that same path. He is a great guy...but we're not going to turn into an "us"...no matter how much he wants it and pushes for it.

This sucks.

I have a feeling that the actual event of breaking up with myself last month will have turned out to be a whole lot easier than the event of breaking up with Mr. October will be...even if the aftermath was (and still is) harder.

S: October Fades

It’s been more than a month and Mr. October and I have continued to exchange texts and the occasional (awkward) phone chat. Although, in the last week that has really dropped off. And I can't say that I mind. Last week he suggested a third date and I told him we should do that and all he had to do was let me know when he was available. But really, I was only going to use it as an opportunity for a face-to-face chat about how he is wasting his time on me and we should probably both move on.

After two dates and a lot of digital conversation, I feel nothing for him. We’re awkward together. He’s sweet and says very complimentary things to me, but I don’t feel comfortable around him. We don’t easily fall into conversation. We don’t laugh at the same things. We don’t have a lot in common. He’s a good guy and treats me kindly, but we don’t relax around each other and it’s not that fun.

AND suddenly, he’s all about sex. O.k., really this started a couple of weeks ago. There would be text conversations about how long it’s been for him. Sometimes it was just cute flirting, but then it became obvious that this man, while a complete gentleman in person, just needs to get his rocks off.

He tells me he knows there aren’t sparks between us, but he wants to “cuddle.” He’s told me that he believes he’s unable to feel deeply for a woman after the end of his marriage. And yet he’s making a play for a physical relationship. Yes, he’s an adult and what adult doesn’t need other adult companionship? But how can he expect that kind of companionship without a connection? Without feelings?

I know I can’t. I have to have the feelings. And I’ve told him as much. At some point, one of our “it’s been a while” conversations got serious and I told him I wasn’t going to be the one to help him get back on the bike. I just can’t do it that way.

So I think all of his compliments and sweetness are an effort to conjure up a relationship. I get the impression he’s trying to make something happen so I’ll get physical with him. I hate to be cynical about this kind of stuff all the time, but it’s experiences like this that make me believe guys never mean a single sweet thing they say. They’ve just learned the sounds we like to hear that will make our pants come off.

It’s like they’ve figured out the right bird calls to get us to circle so they can shoot us down.

I get crap all the time for not being able to take a compliment. But here is a perfect example for making the case that men only compliment you to get you to sleep with them. This is why I think it’s all bullshit when I hear it. I want to believe it, and sometimes, just to feel good, I let myself believe it…but then, once again, “You’re beautiful” turns into “Let’s cuddle.”

Anyway, I’ve been very clear with Mr. October that it’s not going to happen. That I’m not interested in getting involved (especially with someone who has admitted he won’t have feelings for me) and not being involved means not being physical. And this is why I feel like he’s wasting his time and when I continue to converse with him it’s just giving him the impression that there’s a chance.

I don’t want to just be mean and blow him off or end it via text, but I find myself continuing to have to explain that we aren’t going to have a physical relationship. And no matter how many times I tell him that, it seems like any text conversation we have turns into innuendo and how he wants someone to be physical with.

At this point, I have not heard from him for several days. He’s had a very busy week with work and his kids, so this doesn’t surprise me. But I also think it’s because our last exchange of texts did not go too well. The last day I heard from him, I got two messages from him and both of them were about sex. I was actually offended, so my responses were terse and I didn’t make an effort to start or continue any kind of conversation. And I haven’t had anything to say to him since.

We’ve been out twice. We hardly know each other. I won’t even let him kiss me. The fact that he feels like he can be so crude with me is offensive, even though I’m not the hoity-toitiest girl on the block. I can joke and be just as crass as the next guy, but when you hardly know me, you need to maybe pretend you think I’m a lady. It’s a respect thing.

So if he’s going to drop it, I am too. I did notice he’s back on OkCupid. Perhaps he’s found someone else to focus his attention on. I hope so. He deserves someone who wants to be with him and someone who will make him feel feelings. He shouldn’t have to make such an effort to make himself feel something or orchestrate a relationship. Those pieces should just fall into place.

Best wishes, Mr. October. I’m glad to have known you. I wish you could have helped me fix my snow blower, but it definitely wasn’t worth the “payment” I was going to have to make. I hope you find your Bella.

S: Long Time, No Sheila

I really have no reason for being absent other than I haven’t felt like I’ve had much to talk about lately. Maybe it’s just that nothing new is happening. My life is very “second verse same as the first” right now. But everything is cyclical, so here’s to some freshness. I do like when things get fresh.

Things are moving and shaking in the dating world, albeit only slightly. My social life is like plate tectonics…things happen, but very very slowly, until there’s a quake. And then it all comes crashing down.

Unless you’re standing in a doorway. And right now I feel like standing in the doorway.

Especially this particular doorway, from where I can gaze upon Officer Hottie while he helps make an accident report for a fender bender. Now if only I could think of some minor crime to commit to keep him around for some code violation flirting.

Instead I will snap out of it and get back to work on a few updates for you. Just so I can feel all current. I owe you updates on Mr. October and three possibilities for November. Yikes…November, which we are now nearly halfway through AND which has a holiday. I’m starting to think this might not happen.

I’ll break this up into several posts. But allow me to end this one with this update…

Guy still comes in and out of the picture. And continues to be the most interesting man in my life. But I have no delusions about us being together. In fact, I couldn’t say that I’d actually want us to get back together at this point. It certainly isn’t something I’m hoping for or trying to make happen.

I just prefer his attention to anyone else’s. Although I fear that moment of embarrassment when I realize he’s moved on. I’d like to be the one to move on first. I’m waiting for that mystical gent who can steal me from him. I’m not sure he’s out there, but I fully intend to be open to him if he arrives on the scene. (Ahem! Officer Hottie.)

I continue to count down to the end of this challenge when I can stop worrying about dating and just live my life. The day after my December date, I’m pulling my profile off OkCupid and I quit. There are so many other things to be concerned about, finding a guy falls into the same category as yard work. It seems like something I should do, but feels like a complete waste of time. I’d like to go back to just letting him find me for a change.

For now, I have a fading Mr. October and a bit of hope for November. Including an old-fashioned fix-up. Possibilities are the spice of life.

J: Too much to ask

So, here we are now.

Mr. October=Me. Me=Mr. September.

Mr. October is totally into me. I have a great time, enjoy his company and have been having fun with him.

But my heart is cold.

I didn't wait long enough to jump into something new...not that this is really "something". We've only been out twice. However, after such a short time, he's completely and totally, puppy-dog devoted to me.

Is this how Mr. September felt? I really think so. Which hurts. Because if Mr. October disappeared out of my life right now...if he broke up with himself for me...like I did for Mr. September, I'd be sad for a day or so but when it came down to it, I would be just fine. I'd move on without thinking about him all that much. And I sure wouldn't be calling him and begging him to come back into my life.

So, is Mr. October coming into my life a blessing or a curse?

This time with October has helped me realize that I have no choice but to move on past Mr. September. There's not gonna be a do-over like I had hoped for. And, that's unfortunate because I now realize that adoration isn't what I really, really want.

What I want is compatibility and equality and a true partnership. I need a combination of the two guys...a little bit of each...the best pulled from both relationships.

Apparently, that's too much to ask for.

J: Last contact

Today is going to be, quite possibly, the very last day that I have any form of contact with Mr. September.

It’s his birthday and after much debate, I’ve decided to send him a “Happy Birthday” text.

After today, I have no reason, whatsoever, to be in contact with him ever again. It’s entirely possible that our paths will never cross.

I must admit…part of my heart is desperately hoping that this spawns a conversation. But, my brain is doing its best to try to keep my poor little heart from being disappointed when I get back nothing more than a “Thanks”…or worse yet…no response at all.

What I want is a “It’s so good to hear from you, I’ve missed you so very much, when can I see you again?” But even my silly heart knows that’s not the response I’ll get.

From here, I really must finally pack up those feelings into “Yeah, it was nice but it won’t happen again” boxes. From here, I’ll have to finally admit that he’s not going to show up to win back my heart with roses and tears and apologies. From here, I must move on.

I have a second date with Mr. October tonight and I couldn’t care less. I wonder if he’ll be able to tell.

I have plenty to keep me busy today. But, the only plan that really matters to me is sending this damn text.

Because, until it’s sent…and until he responds…I can still hold onto that tiny little tiny seed of hope.

J: Mr. November

The man who used to be know as Mr. Car Accident, now has an official name: Mr. November.

Nice guy.

We met for lunch today and had a great time. Splendid conversation. Actually, we got into some really interesting topics. He says that everyone sees him as a friend...a comfortable person, from the beginning...but you have to let him "grow on" you. Hmm...

I totally get that. I was comfortable with him from the start. But I still don't know about whether there can be more. He seemed interested in me. He was very complimentary (apparently, there's not tons of 'women of quality' on OKCupid...or at least if there are, he hasn't run into many of them.) And he seemed to be really happy to be out with me.

Throughout the meal, it seemed like he'd definitely be asking me out again but as we were walking out I got a hug (thank goodness not a goopy inappropriate kiss!) but he also threw out "call me if you want to get together again sometime, you have my number too".

I should have said: "I don't do that" so that he would know that he needed to call me if he wanted to see me again. I just don't know that there was enough there for me to go pursue him. Maybe he felt the same way. Or...maybe he could read that I'm not in the right place right now, myself.

But, he won the place of Mr. November. And...(you've heard this before)...if he calls and asks, I'll go out with him again. But he needs to make the call.

In the meantime, I've gotten daily texts from Mr. October. Unfortunately, I'm not feeling that little thrill when they arrive. I'm still giving the guy a chance. If only he knew that I'd be more interested if there was a less contact, not more. Interesting. Something to take note of myself. (Although it is nice to have someone thinking about me during the day.)

And, regarding this challenge, I feel like I finally can breathe. It's only the second day of November. I basically have two months before I have to worry about another date.

Is it possible that I won't actually find that man of my dreams through this experiment? It's looking that way.

Gosh, I hope Mr. December is fabulous.

J: Mr. Very-Last-Minute-Of-October

Well...I did it!

I officially got in my October date, with just 6 hours to spare.

Despite my September 'hiccup', I am still on track to have a perfect dating record for the year.

Dinner was actually quite nice. He let me choose the appetizer and I went with the bruschetta. Turns out he doesn't eat tomatoes and didn't mention it until the plate was on the table. Oops. But the wine and the main course and the dessert were all quite lovely.

Mr. October is definitely, definitely, definitely into me. No doubt. And right now, my ego needs that. I'm not sure how my heart feels about it though.

Our second date is already set. He pretty much got those plans firmed up about 5 minutes into the mushroom ravioli.

As for taking it slowly...he was having none of that. At my car, I went for the hug. He went for the kiss. A great big, passionate one. I tried to ease back as un-rudely as I could. Because really it was too much, too soon. He did smell good though...

Have I mentioned...this guy is INTO me.

I already have gotten a text (not even 30 mins from when we left the restaurant) thanking me for the night, confirming our next plans and letting me know that he'd be in touch during the week.

Yeah. He's into me.

And isn't that the way that it works? If nothing else this has helped me see that there is nothing wrong with me. I am charming, I am pretty, I am bright. I am fun, I am funny, I am (after all this practice) a great date. I make eye contact and 'actively' listen and ask good questions and express interest and smile and laugh and tease and can even be a little bit vulnerable when it's called for. There is absolutely no reason to not fall head-over-heels for me.

Other than, perhaps, just my nasty little habit of only really being able to truly fall for the ones who are unable to fall back.

J: New Day

It's a new day. New week. Almost a new month.

It's a gorgeous, sunny day. I'm getting ready to head out the door to meet a friend for church and then brunch. Might even go for a little bike ride this afternoon.

My hair is even behaving.

All this AND I have a date tonight.

I'm reminding myself that I wasn't all that super excited about Mr. September either (other than as a way to avoid Mr. May drama...which actually worked!) and look what that date led to.

Who knows, Mr. October might just be amazing.

Or, he won't and I'll have another story to tell.

J: Ninth Day

Today is officially the 9th day since I did the breaking.

I'm tired of being broken.

According to my scientific calculations: one week + two days is enough time to recover from a one month + two week relationship.

Besides, attitude is all in the way that you choose to look at things, right?

So, I guess I'll allow myself a few more hours of "poor-Jane-what's-so-wrong-with-her-that-no-one-can-love-her" and a couple of hours of "did-I-make-a-huge-mistake" and maybe a half-hour of "I'll-be-all-alone-forever".

Which should carry me right into my tenth day and leave just enough time to pick up my spirits and put a smile on my face for Mr. October.

J: Sad

I am way more sad than I should be.

My heart still hurts so badly.

It's been a week. Shouldn't I be over him by now?

All that I want is a phone call, a text, an email, hell...I'd take a post-it...saying that he misses me too...that his life is less bright without me in it.

Sheila reminds me that *I* was the one to reject *him*. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it just makes me think I'm a fool. I am the reason for all of my own sadness, afterall. Maybe he could have figured out how to love me. Maybeeeee????

But I'm not ever going to get that phone call. And that makes me sad. Because (let's all say it together) He. Just. Not. That. Into. Me.

I've seen his picture change on OKCupid, which means he's actively looking again. So much for "I really shouldn't be dating anyone right now". Yeah. Right. A gal pal says "Good! You want him to see how awful it is out there!" And I try to agree with her. I do try.

But I miss him. I miss the hug that I could have right now....after a terrible, awful day at work. I miss the mini-traditions that we were building. I miss having Christmas to look forward to...and his birthday to plan for...and even just checking the weather to see if it will be a good weekend for the lake.

I let myself get too deep.

And now, look...I have two dates ahead of me. I should be excited. I should have hope.

Sunday night I have dinner plans with another guy from OKCupid. (Hopefully nothing happens to change that...since I'm really pushing against the "October" boundary.) And Tuesday, I have lunch plans with Mr. Car Accident (hopefully soon to be renamed Mr. November).

I should be looking forward to getting to know these new gents. But already, I judge them by what I know about them compared to what I could have had....if I hadn't gotten impatient. If I hadn't thought it was so dern important to be adored. If I could have settled for "good enough".

Ugh. I gotta wipe away my tears, end this pity party and get outta here. It's doing me no good to sit around and mope about what coulda-been.

My boots are calling to me. It's time to go dance away these blues.

But, in the meantime, if anyone knows the secret to learning how to stop waiting for the phone to ring....I would pay good money for that intel.

J: Alone at Starbucks

I just got stood up.

I should be on my coffee date right now with Mr. October. Instead, I’m sitting here at a bistro table for two, all by my lonesome, typing up a blog especially for you.

The potential Mr. October texted me 10 minutes before the agreed upon time to tell me that he was stuck in the middle of a car accident. Apparently, it happened two hours ago and the police was just now taking statements.

I can’t really take this personally. I was still on the road, myself, when he texted me to cancel. It’s not like he showed up, saw me, drove away and texted me with the oh-so-bad news.

Since I was fitting this date in before a dance class anyways I texted back expressing my surprise & concern but also letting him know that I had set my my heart on a pumpkin latte and still needed to kill an hour before class, so I’d be here with a book. He should show up if he finished up sooner than expected.

Basically, I left another door open. Man, it’s getting breezy in here…

While I haven’t really been looking forward to tonight…now that it’s not happening, I’m a little disappointed. Is it pathetic to say that I needed this date? Even if I was the one who did the breaking, my ego still hurts. It would have helped to be able to say that in less than 4 days (not even 92 hours!!!!), I was out with someone new.

Luckily, last night I got a message from another chap that I was chatting with via OKCupid, in my pre-Mr. September days who noticed that I was back online. He asked me out for dinner on Wednesday. Initially, I was going to try to push him off for a week…only so that he could have the illustrious title of Mr. November (for his own benefit, of course!) Now, I’m glad that I waited to respond. While I already have plans on Wednesday, Thursday might just become (conveniently) available.

And if we make that happen, I guess I could still say “less than a week”.

J: Mr. Maybe October

I broke up with Mr. September on Thursday.

And this morning, I just made arrangements for a coffee date on Monday with the new Mr. October.

It looks like I’m not going to miss my October date after all. I’m not going to have to feed the piggy bank. I can maintain my perfect record for the year ‘o dating.

From the outside, there wasn’t a hiccup in this dating challenge at all.

From the outside, it’s almost as if Mr. September didn’t really mean anything more than Mr. August or Mr. February.

But he did.

From the inside, I’m still hurting & raw & still trying to understand why I wasn’t enough.

Granted, it made my ego feel a lot better to log back into OKCupid and find flocks of boys happy to see me back online…messaging me…chatting me up…asking me out. But is dating really a good idea when you consider that when my mind drifts to thoughts of Mr. September, I still get a little choked up?

I was supposed to be at church with Mr. September right now…at this very minute. It’s what we agreed to on Thursday night, during the lets-break-up-but-maybe-we-can-still-be-friends conversation. But after leaving his place, once I was on my own, I realized what a bad, bad idea "just friends" would be.

Going to church together and then lunch afterwards to discuss our thoughts and feelings around the pastor’s message? That’s pretty intimate. That’s not something that I would want to share with someone with whom I am trying not to expect to have any type of relationship at all.

So yesterday I texted letting him know that church wasn’t a good idea and that I’d be out late anyways and would most likely miss the early service that he was planning to attend. His response was “Okay, I hear ya…” Annnnd…that’s probably the end of Mr. September.

So…Hellllo Mr. October: cute, cute boy that I was flirting with pre-Mr. S. Apparently, he cooks. Bonus!

I don’t know if it’s a smart move but it’s what’s happening next. And, it has the added benefit of giving me something non-Mr. September to think about and look forward to.

And that is quite possibly exactly what I need right now.

J: Broken

I really don’t want to write this.

I’m not completely sure, actually, how to do it.

Maybe, I just come out and say it…

I broke up with Mr. September on Thursday night.

Yes, the wonderful, fantastic, perfect, cute, charming, splendid Mr. September. I broke up with him.

Really, it came down to the fact that he just doesn’t like me enough. He tried. He made a valiant effort. In his head he thinks I’m perfect. In his heart, he’s cold. I deserve better.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve just felt like something was wrong, and I couldn’t seem to do anything right to fix it.

Since we decided to back off…to slow down, I’ve been adrift. What does it really mean to slow down? How do you stop a train that’s already sped away? Over the past two weeks, I’ve subconsciously been putting him in a ‘friend’ box to try to protect my heart. But is that the relationship I want? It hasn’t even been TWO MONTHS! Where are the sparks, the electricity, the goofy grins, the unicorns & glitter?

It was absolutely there at the beginning. And it’s not like I expect that excitement to be there forever.

But isn’t this supposed to be the fun part? Isn’t everything supposed to be easy at this early stage? Do I just accept that I don’t get the excitement anymore? That I’m not worthy of the new-relationship thrill? That I don’t deserve someone who thinks I’m fantastic?

So, I rationalized: He has too much going on. He still hasn’t healed from his last relationship. He wasn’t into me as much as I was into him. I was trying too hard. We weren’t connecting, emotionally. Maybe if I tried just a little bit harder…

I changed who I was for him and he was still pulling away. And from that "friend" place, I just couldn't see the path to "love" let alone to a future. It just wasn’t going to work.

So I ended it.

And here I am, two days later, and I don’t regret it.

I’m proud of myself that I’m the one who made the call. I had to be the one to start the conversation…to say the words: “This just isn’t working”. I could have let this drift for days, weeks…maybe even months, but it would have happened eventually. Why not bite the bullet now and get it over with so that we can stop wasting time and both move on?

He didn’t disagree. I think that he was actually relieved.

We left it that once he gets his shit together, IF he still wants to date me and IF I’m still available, he can call and ask me out properly. He can chase me. We can start over from scratch…slowly this time. We can try to do this again, the right way.

But honestly, I'm not holding my breath. I just don’t see that happening.

He still wants to be my friend.

But I don’t see that happening either.

Knowing where he's at mentally, a friendship between the two of us would be the equivalent of an emotional booty call. (Why buy the cow...?)

So… I’m sad. Very sad. But if I look at the big picture, it’s just been a month and a half of my life. (I technically, could still fit in a Mr. October and still not miss a single month of this damn challenge.) Besides...I’m a divorcee. I’ve been through much harder break-ups than this.

I still think the guy is fabulous and I hate to lose him from my life. As great as he is (or maybe I should say 'was')…maybe there’s someone even better out there for me. But, in my current state of mind, I’m not feeling a ton of hope.

So. There. This post has been written. My “to do” for the day is done. I’m going to curl back up into myself and hopefully find sleep again.

Maybe when I wake up I’ll feel a little more hope…a little less sad…a little more me.

S: Mr. October's Second Chance

Have you ever been on a date and been telling your date about a job you interviewed for that you really hoped you would get and then, at that very moment, actually gotten the call about said job only to hear that you did not get it...while on your date?

Well now I can say I have.

Yes, Mr. October got to witness poor Sheila not getting a job she really needed to get. And he got to witness her putting on her smile mask and doing her best to enjoy the afternoon and not be completely freaked out about every aspect of her life.

Hopefully he was impressed by the show.

This was our date number two. My automatic second chance afforded to any guy who isn’t a jerk who seems like he may deserve a chance after date number one. There is always hope for date number two, but never much expectation.

The first thing I noticed was that he seemed more attractive this time. I don’t know why, but he did. His hair was different. And he seemed more relaxed. This time I was pleasantly surprised to find myself thinking, “Hmmmm…not too shabby.”

We had lunch at a place I suggested where he had never eaten. This time, it was my turn to provide him with his first experience somewhere. And then I had to be difficult and order something that wasn’t on the lunch menu. I tried to be really charming about it so he wouldn’t think I was all Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally.”

Lunch wasn’t bad. Well…except for the part when I found out I didn’t get the job I needed to get and got all distracted and worried about paying bills. Other than that, we did o.k. at conversation. It was still a little bit of work, but again, it seemed like he was more relaxed and talked more. I didn’t feel like I was so much in the spotlight.

And he was so sympathetic about the job.

After lunch we went to see an exhibit at a museum that we were both interested in. This is actually a pretty good early date activity. There is ample opportunity to talk to each other, but other stuff to focus on to keep the silence from feeling awkward. And an exhibit provides good topics of conversation and an opportunity to learn things about each other that may not necessarily come out in chats over meals.

The exhibit was very interesting and the date went better than I expected it would. It felt more comfortable. It also went on way longer than I thought it would. In fact, we were there for hours. Poor Mr. October had to run out and feed our meters twice. He refused to allow me to go take care of my own.

By the time we got done at the exhibit, it was dinner time. He asked if I was hungry and wanted to grab another bite with him. I was preoccupied about the job thing and had a million things to do at home, so I hesitated, but then I figured why not. If he wants to buy me dinner, we might as well see how this goes. Why not have one of those dates that just goes on for hours? Even if I'm aware that it's going on for hours and not surprised by that fact later.

We got to his car first as we were walking and discussing further plans. We decided on a dinner place and he handed me something he had for me in his car. This time he had brought me two red roses.

Awww. Sweet.

I accepted them gladly. I have to admit, he was making what could have been a rather sucky afternoon much better.

We met back up at our chosen dinner spot and sat down for another meal. Again, the conversation was o.k., but we still found it somewhat difficult to come up with things to talk about. It didn’t seem interminable or anything. Just, you know, not comfortable like old friends.

We got done eating and he wanted to do more. I just couldn’t. I really needed to get home and set my mind at ease about my life. I was just too preoccupied. I apologized for that and he was very understanding. We stood in the parking lot and made that sort of goodbye conversation you make when someone isn’t quite ready to go but there’s nothing left to do.

He was obviously trying to assess the situation and whether or not he should kiss me. If my non-verbal communication was any clue, the answer was that he should not. I am so not ready for that and I thought I did a good job of keeping my hands very clearly to myself the whole time so he wouldn’t get any ideas.

He hugged me twice and then gave me a kiss on the cheek. I’m glad I didn’t have to refuse anything more. That always sucks.

Later that evening, as I was at home not having the best time, he texted that he had been trying to figure out if he should kiss me and hoped that he hadn’t made me uncomfortable. I replied that he hadn’t made me uncomfortable but that it was good he didn’t do anything more.

I told him that it was difficult to explain in a text but it is very early and I don’t know where I am with all of this and things are rather complicated for me right now.

He sent one word: Understood.

Then nothing more from him.

Later, feeling bad about my distraction in the afternoon and the fact that it really had helped being with him, I told him he had made what could have been a very bad afternoon rather good.

I got another single word reply: Ditto.

It was unusual for him not to send more. Oh well. There goes Mr. October.

The next morning I felt bad so I texted and asked if I had scared him away. He said that of course I hadn’t. We exchanged a few more messages about nothing in particular and then he sent a message saying that whoever I’m hung up on needs to get smart and realize what a gem I am.

He totally called it. Out of nowhere. I’m not sure how he came to that conclusion, but he certainly hit the nail on the head. And I was relieved. He gets it. And he understands.

We’re still communicating, although I still don’t know where my head is. He has assured me he’s not looking for someone to be a mom for his kids, just someone to hang out with. And yet, the way he talks to me, I feel like just hanging out with him will lead him on.

But it’s so good to have a distraction. And somebody who might be able to help me fix my snowblower.

He hasn’t asked to see me again. And that’s probably good. I haven’t had to make any refusal. But, I suppose the next time we get together, if there is a next time, it should be to chat about me not wanting to get involved with anyone. And then he has to decide if that means he wants to fade back into the ether.

He’s a good guy. He shouldn’t waste his time on me while I try to get my life to settle down.

Despite the roses and compliments, I don’t see this going anywhere. I can’t imagine having strong feelings for him. I can’t see us down the road.

So when and how do I get out of the car?