J: Pushing the Needle Too Far?

When Sheila & Elle both recommended that I save one of those 8-minute date guys until MARCH, I actually thought it was an impossibility!

But as it turns out Suitor #4 and I are just having a heck of a time trying to find a night that works for both of us.

First he had surgery, then he thought he'd be ready to get out & about...turns out that he's not quite as recovered as he thought he'd be. Now, I have coworkers from another continent in town for the next week who will need entertaining. And that last weekend in February, he's already told me that he'll be busy.

He sent me a "I feel really bad about this" email. I sent back a "Don't worry about it...I'm sooo flexible and sooo easygoing...how's March?" email.

I'm wondering if I can actually push this out a whole month without breaking it. From the 8 minutes I spent with him I've gathered that he seems to be a really nice guy and I'm actually interested in getting to know him better. (Unlike the last 8-min guy!) If he also happens to get the title of Mr. March, you won't see me complaining!

Now...let's see how "flexible & easygoing" he'll be in return...

S: Comment Response - Why Date?

Anonymous posted: Hi.. I'm a 30-something man with little dating experience. I'm curious about the idea of dating when you are not looking for a relationship. Isn't that the point - to hopefully find a relationship? I guess it can be just for fun, but do the guys know that? (I don't mean this to be judgemental.) Thanks, enjoying the blog! (Found it via twitter #100dates.)

Mr. (Probably Handsome) Anonymous Gentleman, thank you so much for your comment! This is a very valid question and I hope you don’t mind that I have decided to dedicate an entire post to it, rather than just bury this tome of an answer in the comment section of the other post.

I definitely did not take your inquiry to be judgmental and realize that my motives may be difficult to understand. I may not even be able to articulate them properly myself, but I want to try because I appreciate the dialogue. Please read my response with the friendly tone that is intended. I am in no way offended by your remarks and my hope is that I do not come off as defensive or argumentative.

I’ve given it a lot of thought (judging by how long it has taken me to respond to your comment), and there are several reasons why I am doing this challenge, and dating in general, even though I am not hoping to end up in a relationship.

First things first, and to put things in proper context, you made that comment on the post in which I recounted my reasons for not dating a friend. One of the reasons I told him I thought we shouldn’t date is that I am not at a point in my life in which I want to get involved in a relationship. Which is true. And for me, to risk a friendship by taking it to the next level, it would have to be because it was going to become a long-term relationship, not just a casual dating experience. So, in that regard, I was not prepared to begin a relationship with him because I’d rather remain a free agent at this stage in my life AND keep him as a friend.

O.k., so why date if I don’t want to get involved in a relationship?

Let’s see if I can break it down. (I’ll be as surprised as you are if I can.)

Reason 1. Because it’s fun. (Hey, that rhymes.) You make the first point yourself. Dating can be fun. You meet someone, you enjoy their company or their conversation. Maybe they make you laugh. Or perhaps you make them laugh. You have a few things in common and wonder if you could discover more. What do you do? You go out. You try to extend that discovery phase. There is a lot of excitement and potential in the discovery phase. And the electricity! Who doesn't like electricity?

You see, I don’t consider going on a date to be an implicit contract for a future together. To me, a date is something you do when you want to spend more time getting to know someone. It gives you a chance to converse with them and further understand who they are. This does not have to mean anything more than just a cursory interest in that person. Many times you get to a certain level of acquaintanceship and your curiosity is satisfied. Other times you decide that you want to know more or do things that you have in common and enjoy together. But until you actually sit down and make it clear that you want that person’s full and singular attention, no assumptions should be made about futures and statuses and such. It’s just dating.

In my opinion, people put too much stock in dating. Every time they go out with someone the question in their mind is “is this THE ONE?” What if the question was just, “Who is this person? What makes them tick? What can we enjoy together?” Voila! Pressure’s off. If you find yourself craving more time with them, you let them know. If your interest has waned, then that’s fine. We will not be all things to each other all the time. But we can certainly have fun with each other for some of the time. I think there’s a difference between looking for a life partner and spending time with someone you have a strong connection with.

Reason 2. “Nice to meet you.” (Another rhyme!) Dating is an excellent way for me to meet the people with whom I share my city. I am surrounded by amazing and interesting people in the Midwest and I’ve only begun to scratch the surface of getting to know them. I don’t think I’m going to end up married to these people, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to meet them and add them to my list of compatriots. Knowing the people around you builds a sense of community and makes your home a home.

Besides, I never know who I’m going to meet. Maybe I don’t like this guy but while we’re out I meet his friend. Or his brother. Or we run into someone he went to school with. And suddenly, one of those people sparks an interest. My network expands. I have new friends, colleagues, associates. I feel like I get better as a person when I get to know someone new. My friends become part of me and I grow around them, like a tree grows around a fence that is constructed near it. Even if I’m not interested in finding a love match, finding new fences to grow around is a good side effect. And really, the more people around here who are willing to bail me out of jail, the better.

Here’s my other theory in this regard, I can test these men out for my friends. O.k., so I go out with a guy. I think he’s great, but I’m not interested in starting anything serious. I have other single friends. Worthy women who may indeed be looking to get themselves into something long-term. Now I’ve screened him and am fully prepared to set him up with one of them. I’m like the date tester. How generous am I?! I’d much rather test samples of ice cream, but ice cream can’t buy me a drink, so this will have to do.

Reason 3. I am boy crazy. (Ha! Did it again!) Yes, I’ll admit…I’m Sheila and I’m boy crazy. I always have been. I’ve been flirting with boys for as long as I can remember. I just don’t want to settle down with one.

Just because I am not in search of my one true love and soul mate doesn’t mean I want to sit at home having Facebook chats with some tech support guy in India, code named “Chaz.” I want to be out there flirting and being flirted with and getting fluttery when I get a text or an email and giggling at the replies I send. It can be very flattering to get 
attention, and I will not deny that I have an ego and it needs pumping every once in a while. Besides, I’m really good at flirting. When they finally add flirting as an Olympic sport, they’re going to name all the best moves after me. The world must be allowed to witness my talent and be warmed by my sunny banter.

Reason 4. Living life a bit more. (I’m on fire!) I love life experiences. What it comes down to is that just because I am not looking for the next Mr. Date Club Sheila, that doesn’t mean I have to sit at home alone crocheting scarves for my nieces and nephews. I want to experience life and part of life is going out on dates and dealing with what that involves. I want to have stories to tell and experiences to laugh at and cry over. I don’t want every weekend to be the same. I mean, I like Golden Girls as much as the next cheesecake addict, but I don’t want to be up watching it every Friday at 1 a.m. Unless I’m tripping in from a night on the town with a box of leftovers I’m about to dig into.

Overall, I don’t see dating as a means to an end. (Although, I do see it as a means to the end of the challenge and getting my ante back.) For me, it’s not like getting in the car and hitting the highway in order to arrive somewhere in a specified amount of time. It’s more like cruising Route 66 and enjoying the sights and not really caring whether or not I get anywhere. It’s a journey. And I may never arrive at a destination, but I want an unbelievable collection of postcards from the stops along the way.

So, for now, those are my reasons. But I reserve the right to change my mind. I am all for following the path the universe lights up for me along the way. If I stumbled across someone on that path who completely spun me around, I would not resist it. I just don’t count on it. I don’t intend to go through life searching for something that isn’t likely to exist. If, while I’m traveling Route 66, I find a place that feels like home and I decide to stop, then I guess I have found a destination. But I’m not going to go looking for it.

Before I peace out on this, I do want to address your question about whether or not the guys I go out with know I am not looking to get involved in a relationship. And the basic answer is yes. Well, it will be yes. So far it hasn’t really come up (except with my friend and I did tell him…which is why we’re here now). Anyway, it won’t be a secret, but it’s not like it’ll my lead in or anything either.

I can see how that would go…

Sheila: Hi! I’m glad we could get together. (gets serious) I’m not looking for a relationship.

Date: Umm…ok…well, I think I hear my mom calling me. (bolts)

Nevertheless, I know where I am in life and I’m confident in that, so my intention is to make it clear. I would never go out with a guy and make him think I was trying to find a mate. Conversely, I think it would be wrong for a guy to assume that by going out with him once, I have agreed to retire with him in Boca.

I don’t want lead somebody on, but the guy needs to be careful about allowing himself to be led. Assuming a date is a promise for more is a disservice to everyone. Think about it this way, just like buying a girl dinner and a movie does not obligate her to any physical relations, it also doesn’t obligate her to any mental or emotional relations. And really, the guy who expects that taking me out means that I’m going to spend the next 6 months thinking only of him until we get engaged is going to have his heart trampled on by any girl he goes out with and will miss out on a lot of fun because he’s so stressed out about making the date so perfect.

Besides, all of us Date Club Sistahs agreed that we would not misrepresent our intentions with the guys we date. We’re not out to make fools of anybody or break hearts. We are doing this for ourselves. To change our own attitudes. To enjoy the freedom our singleness.

And, you know what? It’s my contention that most guys aren’t looking for a “relationship” either, so I doubt I break any hearts anyway. I don’t think guys generally go out with women to get involved in meaningful, long-term relationships. Guys go out with women to try to get laid. Sometimes that means they have to spend some time with the woman. Every once in a while it turns into a long-term thing. But, in general, when guys are hitting on me and asking me out it is not because they hear wedding bells or even that I will be meeting their beloved mum in a few weeks. They want to know how much effort it will take to get in my pants.

All we are doing at the Date of the Month Club is turning the tables a little bit. Mostly to see how we ourselves can stretch and grow. To see how this can change us and make us better, more interesting women. Now when I am out and trying to make time with a guy, it’s not because I think he might be the one but because I want to see how much effort it is going to take to get him to go on the one date with me. I want to get in his planner.

What I'm trying to say with all of this is, no, I don’t want to get involved a relationship right now. I am not interested in searching for my permanent mate. I don’t want to go around with my “perma-mate checklist” out discounting anyone who doesn’t fit all the criteria. And I also don’t want to catch myself trying to make someone who isn’t right for me fit my “ideal mate” mold because I want so desperately to have found “the one.” What I want to do is enjoy as much of life as possible. I’ve never really sowed any wild oats and I want to live a little. And flirt a lot.

Maybe later I will want to settle into something that lasts. Maybe somebody will come along and change my mind about all of this and I’ll have to eat a heapin’ helpin’ of (soy-based) crow and admit I was wrong. Who knows? If I happened to meet someone with whom I connect, I would not be opposed to spending more time with him. And, if the logical forward motion was to get more serious, then fantastic, I drop out of the challenge and have my fun with Mr. Right Now. In which case, I’ll forfeit my $50 ante and take my goods off the market. He just better be worth it.

Hopefully this answers your question. Otherwise I’ve wasted minutes and minutes of your life and I have no way of repaying you. Except…well…what are you doing in March? Because I do need a date. I'll buy.

E: All Matched Up

Ok, I did it. I finally did it. I am officially Out There. Tonight I joined the cyber-dating realm of Match.com.

I have thought about doing this for a couple of years. However, something always held me back. What if there are psychos on there? What if (horror of horrors) someone I know sees me on there? What if I am inundated by balding men out of my age range, who have 4 kids (and yes, they live at home), smoke but are trying to quit, and put pictures of themselves that they took in the bathroom mirror? Aren't these dating sights for lonely single folks who lack the social skills to find a date out in the real world?

But, alas, I have decided to put my pre-conceived notions aside and give it a try. The friend who set me up with Mr. January and Mr. February might get hit by a bus tomorrow, and I will be left to find my own dates for the rest of the year. And yes, I am one of those lonely single folks who has trouble finding a date in the real world. And heck, I have several friends who have actually met their husbands on Match. I figured what do I have to lose.

Getting set up proved to be a more difficult task than I expected. The Match gods really want to know a lot about you. To suggest a proper match for me, they needed to know my zodiac sign, my eye color, my body type and what types of pets I have. And how pathetic is this - I got stumped on the eye color! Well, they are not completely brown, and have a somewhat greenish hue, but do not change colors with my clothing.... Damn it, I never really thought about it that much.. What color are my eyes really?? After a trip to the bathroom mirror I finally decided on hazel.

Now for the real kicker: describe myself and my ideal match in 2000 words or less. (Gulp). How honest do I really be? Do I spell out what I really want, or will that just scare 'em away? Is it ok to talk about how much I love my dog, like my own child, or is that just creepy. If I talk about how incessantly organized I am will they see that as a positive trait, or a run-for-the-hills trigger?

After hours of writing, re-writing, getting a friend's opinion, drinking cheap wine, and revising some more, I reluctantly clicked the submit button. And it was as if men started popping up all over the place! Literally within a matter minutes I had 5 guys who viewed my profile, 1 wink, and 1 "interested." As I was clicking through to see the interested guy, an email came through from another one. Then an IM popped up. It reminded me of the game I used to play at Chuck-E-Cheese, where you were given a padded hammer-type thing, and there were 6 little guys who would pop up randomly from the table. You would do your darnedest to hit each one as quickly as you saw it come up. Well, that was me with the men.

First popped up Texastwostep9845, who liked my profile. Then Huggieu93 winked. As I write, I have 5 pages, over 50 men, who have viewed me since I've been Out There the past 2 hours. Everyone from 2sexy4myself to Iamsearching4u has viewed my profile and photos. Photos, I might add, that were carefully chosen to show my flirty, fun, and fabulous self.

Several of the men were interesting to me, and I will email them back. Probably tomorrow. Because right now at this moment it is more important for me to blog than to write boys. I am a tad overwhelmed, and it is after midnight. Besides, tomorrow is Thursday, a/k/a ladies night, my new favorite night to go out. Need to get my beauty sleep. Tomorrow will undoubtedly be a big day of flirting, in both the club and cyber realms.

Sunny1256 is signing off...

Dating Tips for All the Single Ladies

Ok, ladies, we found this and other handy dating tips at SadandUseless.com.

Handy Dating Tips for the Single Gal

We are going to work them all in as standard practice here at Date of the Month Club. We suggest you learn them, love them and live them as well.

Happy Dating!

Hearts and stuff,
DotMC Fembuds

S: Snagging Mr. February - upDATE 2 - Snagged

Kick those heels up, Dateketeers! I have achieved February! Eligible Bachelor finally asked me out.

What a relief!

I'm so glad I made my friend introduce us. I would have definitely gone out with EB, even if I wasn’t required by Club Code to do so. He's just been so fun to banter with and was so cute about asking for the date in a totally non-needy sort of way. I mean, is this guy made of butter or what?! (You know, because he's smooth, not because he resembles churned animal excretions.)

And I’m just as unusually giddy as I could be. I am sad for you that you could not witness me dancing around my kitchen singing “I didn’t have to do the asking. I didn’t have to do the asking.” It was certainly a sight to see. The cats could attest to that.

This date challenge just got way more fun. I can’t remember the last time I was actually excited to have someone ask me out...when I last waited and waited, hoping that he would ask and then got to be ecstatic when he finally did. Somehow it never seems to work that way for me. But not this time. This time, I met, I flirted, I messaged, I conquered.

He dug my chili. He l’eggoed my Eggo. He texted me out.

There will be bowling.

Here’s how it went down. He made several suggestions for dates and I, being a glutton for punishment, chose bowling. I had my reasons. Very good reasons. Pragmatic, logistical reasons. And now you get to read them.

He suggested a movie, but I don’t think movies are good for first dates. You can’t talk and get to know each other. Besides, if you go to a movie before you are physically comfortable with each other, there’s all that weirdness with hand and snack holding and arm rests and stuff. Best to leave the movies for later when there isn’t a lot to talk about and you just want to sit in the dark and hold hands and make out and pretend like you’re doing something really naughty.

He suggested sledding, creative…different, but no. I’m so sick of snow right now that sledding would only anger me and allow him to have a glimpse at my demonic hellish side as I careen down an icy hill screaming out every combination of curse words I know, and making up a few new ones for the benefit of the children within earshot. That and being self-employed makes me very paranoid about getting injured and being unable to work. Sledding is right out.

He also suggested ice skating, which sounds fun but would be rather chilly where we are. I do not wish to spend the entirety of our first date wiping snot off my face like some kind of Play-Doh Fun Factory. And, truth be told, it would probably be more embarrassing than fun since I’m not so good at it. I’m not so good at bowling either, but there is way less falling down. Most of the time.

Bowling is good. Bowling is fun. Bowling is casual. Bowling is inexpensive. And bowling allows for get-to-know-you talking, but with a distraction to cover any lulls in conversation. It also provides a reason for good-natured mud slinging if you are both secure in your lack of skill. AND, bowling accommodates beer and junk food consumption. Anything that I can do while enjoying a brew and something full of sodium and cholesterol is my kind of date.

Of course, we got the activity figured out quickly enough and then the difficulty came in the form of schedule negotiations. Both of us are rather social, so finding a good time was not easy to do. However, I was glad that I was not readily available, so I didn't appear as though I have no life. For a brief period, I was nervous that we might not be able to even make a February date work. But, it all worked out. We settled on a school night. This is good actually. I mostly work on my own time so it isn’t likely to matter to me how late we stay out and he promised to take a nap in the afternoon so his curfew could be later. And this way neither of us will end up being tempted to hit the pitcher too hard and lose our cool. Or our pants.

I predict that this will prove to be one fun night. I can just tell already. Even this early in the game, he gives me as much crap as I give him. It’s been a while since I’ve had someone I can play with. There is something very appealing about a man who is confident enough not to take himself too seriously.

Now I just have to worry about what I should wear. And not dropping the ball on my foot or dribbling nacho cheese all over myself. And what I will do if I actually want to keep seeing him. I mean, wonder of wonders, I actually kind of like the guy. He plays. He’s fun. He’s older. He’s secure. He’s got a life. And he seems to dig me.

What happens if I want to continue to date him?

Ok, Sheila. One rented shoe step at a time.

Current score:
Sheila = 2
Piggy Bank = 0

J: A Non-blind Date

I’m not exactly sure why I agreed to go out on a date with the 8 minute date 'friend' (a.k.a. Suitor #8). I knew that I wasn’t into him. That’s why I chose “friend” instead of “second date” on the form!

But, he was so persistent.

And my ego was a bit bruised by dancing guy.

And this was my first request for a non-blind date this year! (This guy knew who he was asking out. Aaahh…that’s a nice little bandaid for the ego.)

And…really…why not go?

Maybe he was shy on the night of the 8-minute dates. Maybe he doesn’t do well in crowds. Maybe it was just an ‘off’ night for him. Maybe a fun element of his personality only comes out after 9 minutes.

So, today we went to lunch. It was nice, but...nope…I’m just not into him. On my way back to the office, he texts me to tell me he had a great time and wants to see me again.

Crap.

Last night I was talking with a friend and I was recalling the way that throughout the day, I had thought several times, “oh, I need to txt Suitor #8 to let him know where to meet for lunch.” And then I would promptly forget.

There were many, many things that were more important to me than this date…like…umm…what to eat for lunch and walking with my dog and checking facebook and not forgetting my water bottle and checking my bank balance and washing my hair. You get the picture. Texting him was on my mental “to do” list but it’s priority level was right under “don’t forget that it’s a holiday tomorrow, so wait until Tuesday to put out the trashcan”.

Last year, I had a major crush on a guy and when he actually contacted me I had to force myself to wait just a little bit with my reply. I didn’t want it to seem like I was desperate and waiting by the phone. I played my response over and over in my head. I edited and re-edited and obsessed over getting exactly the right wording and then agonized over hitting the “send” button. I promise you, with that one, I didn’t forget that a response was needed!

While recalling this tale to my friend, I had a bit of an epiphany. I realized that this must be how guys can so easily wait until the very last minute to make plans. They just FORGET! They have other priorities. Unless they're truly into the girl...at which point, forgetting is just not possible!

If I ever feel like some guy has forgotten me or even just deprioritized me in the way that I did with Suitor #8, I need to stop that train right away. It sucks to be on either side of that equation. It is horrible to be the forgetter. It's worse to be the forgotten. Why force something when it’s just not there for one of the parties involved?

Today, I felt like the polite thing to do in this situation was to text back to say thanks for buying lunch. But I didn’t want to encourage anything further. This guy is persistent. I know this about him already. I don’t know if I have it in me to be blunt but I also don’t want to be that one who completely disappears in order to avoid having that conversation. (Only to see him again at the next 8 minute dating event. Eek!) That’s been done to me. It’s not nice.

So, I texted my standard noncommittal post-date text (minus the exclamation marks.) Two minutes later I get back: “No problem, I hope we can do it again soon.”

Ugh. I guess my time has come to learn about how to reject someone. Fun.

Unless someone wants to do it for me? Anyone?