J: The End of Mr. May??

Last week I blogged about my date with Mr. August. However, that same week, I went out dancing on Wednesday again with Mr. May. And then we went out on Friday night and then again on Saturday. Each time out we were just a little bit more comfortable together…and ended up kissing and cuddling and touching more and more.

So, I finally agreed to go to his favorite swimming hole with him this Friday afternoon.

While I didn’t relish the idea of being seen in my swimsuit, I packed up my sunscreen and towel & headed to his place. The swimming hole turned out to be about 30 minutes out of town and was BEAUTIFUL! The drive was lovely, the conversation was fun, the weather was perfect. We swam for awhile and then went on a little hike & ended up snuggled in a hammock for a little afternoon nap. Fantastic! I couldn’t have dreamed up a more perfect day.

The plan all along was to go swimming and then to head out dancing for the evening. So at sunset we left our beautiful little oasis and headed to a honky-tonk dance spot out in the country. The dancing (again) was a blast…and oh so sexy. But we stayed out very very late and this time (unlike last time), I agreed to stay at his place instead of driving the half-hour home...all based on his promise to “behave”. Well…that didn’t happen. And honestly, I couldn’t be all that surprised…things had been building to this moment all day…all week…and I could probably say, for all of the last several months.

Well…it didn’t go well. Without going into too many details, I’ll just say that things went further than I wanted. I stopped things at a critical point and started a conversation about how I wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship from this and that I didn’t think he was either (which was met with silence) and for that reason, I didn’t want us to do anything or go anywhere physically that would make things awkward. I told him that I worried about changing the relationship that we’d already built and making things complicated…since I do truly enjoy the time that I spend with him.

Despite the “let’s not take this all the way” conversation we had very different expectations of what that meant. I think we both ended up a little hurt and I KNOW we were both pretty frustrated (in completely different & opposite ways) by the time I headed home.

Before this, I already was pretty sure that we wouldn’t be a good long term fit but thought that we could still flirt around and have fun. After last night, I’m not even sure that returning to our previous level of ‘friendship’ is a possibility anymore.

I just don’t know what to do from here. Do we go out again? (I don’t know if I want to go out if it means more of this awkward emotional wrestling.) But then again, won’t it hurt if he doesn’t ask me out again? (Rejection! Could it be because he now knows the true size of my thighs?) How do we act in class now that we know so much more about each other? (I know I'm going to do my best not to let things change too much...will he?) Am I now going to start being jealous when I see him flirting with other girls in class? (Even if I don’t want him?) How do I deal with him looking at me differently? Or, acting differently around me? Does this mean no more of that sexy, delicious dancing for the two of us?

Ugggh…this is exactly what I was trying to avoid.

Luckily, due to the holiday weekend my next class with him isn’t until Wednesday so I have some time to sort through these feelings.

And, in the meantime, I’m pretty sure I have Mr. September all lined up.

I hope, I hope, I hope that this guy is fantastic enough to distract me from the Mr. May drama that is I fear is right on the verge of unfolding.