J: Seriously??!?

And then…TODAY…

When I was leaving the dentist, someone backed into my car.

My finally-paid-off car.

Seriously.

I couldn’t make this stuff up, kids.

When I was griping to my boss about my rotten week/month she told me that since most of the rest of the world would be off for the holiday, I should just work from home tomorrow.

Which is nice. Except the thing is…I like my house. I would hate for something terrible to happen to it due to the fact that I was in it.

J: Two strikes

Yesterday:
- Track workout night
- Disappointed that Unattainable Running Boy didn’t show up
- Pulled my hamstring
- Ended the night on ice

Today:
- Dancing night
- Disappointed that Unattainable Dancing Boy didn’t show up
- Almost pulled my shoulder out of joint
- Ended the night on ice

Tomorrow:
- Staying in bed

What a rotten month. I can’t wait to say goodbye to March and get started with April, all fresh and new.

J: He’s baaaaaaccckkkkkk….

Before this challenge, the last relationship I was in broke my heart just a bit.

I had been literally crushing on this guy for years. When he finally got around to asking me out we dated for about a month. That month was filled with all the yummy sparks and excitement and thrilling moments and physical attraction and laugher and joy that any girl could ever hope for.

This boy works for the same corporate giant as I do and unfortunately, right as our relationship was getting ready to dock at happy-land, our company decided to send him far far overseas for awhile.

Our next to last date was the weekend before his month long visit to far far overseas to decide if he did indeed want to move. And then…nothing.

After he got back, our last date only happened because I initiated it. My excuse was that I wanted to see pictures and hear stories. In actuality, I just wanted to pick up where we left off. (Duh!)

But, that last date was strained. He told me that he had accepted the amazing opportunity and would be moving to the other side of the globe in just a couple more weeks…for the next several years. YEARS! I left the date with not a single kiss, not a single hug (and oh my, our physical relationship was WAY beyond that point before his trip!)

I called a friend on my way home. With tears running down my face I told her that I’d be shocked if I heard from him again.

And, I never did.

For awhile I made excuses: he was too busy with his move…he was too busy getting settled into his new life…he’s in a totally different time zone and is asleep when I’m awake, of course he can’t call me now. I was a master of self-delusion, but then again, I had our kids named by that point….an ocean couldn’t keep us apart! Of course this wasn’t the end!

Finally, several months later, when I learned via facebook that he had his first visit back after the big move and never contacted me, I finally opened my eyes and gave up. And in a wine-induced rage, I defriended him on facebook. (Take THAT, buster!)

Well, here it is, a year later and I just heard a rumor that his assignment is ending early.

He’s coming home.

Grrreat.

If it were just an issue of returning to my city, I could handle it. My ex-husband lives here afterall, and somehow we manage to keep to our own parts of the town. But nooo…not only does he still work for my company. He’s also still in my BUILDING. Which means that he uses my cafeteria. And worse….my coffee shop!

Realistically, there will not be any avoiding of this one. And while just thinking about him still makes my heart hurt a little bit, I know that I’m in a completely different place from a year ago.

It’ll be interesting to see how he reacts to me too. Will he acknowledge me? Will he make eye contact? Will he engage me in conversation? WILL HE ASK ME OUT AGAIN?

All my girlfriends say: “Forget him! He’s sooo not worth it! He’s dead to you!”

The strong woman in me says “Screw him! He gave up a good thing without looking back!”.

The weak girly girl in me who crushed on this specific boy for so very long says “What if…??”

S: Future's So Bright, I Try Not To Be Jaded

Things have been going very well with Guy. Our relationship has been progressing at a surprising, yet not uncomfortably fast pace. And, uncharacteristically for me, I have enjoyed making plans for the future.

Yes, we’ve been making plans for the future. Easy there, Trigger...not those kinds of plans. Just plan plans. Future plans. For example…

• I’m going to meet his family this weekend. This makes me a bit nervous because I want them to love me, but I’m thrilled that we have reached this point. He wants his family to get to know me because he believes I’m going to be around for a while.
• He has invited me to join him and his son for a few days of their vacation in May. This isn’t just some weekend road trip. This is out of town, 24/7 together time, big deal vacation. With plane tickets and everything. And I couldn’t be happier that he asked.
• He’s already got plans (and tickets) to take me on a road trip to a concert in June. Plans he made with me weeks ago when we were just starting to see each other. Plans I was immediately excited about and have been looking forward to ever since.
• He’s purchased tickets for me to join him for football games and tailgating in the Fall.(You'll recall that he asked me out to tailgating the night we met, at which point I was disappointed at him not wanting to see me sooner. And look at us now.) This is months from now. HUGE commitment for me. And I didn’t hesitate to say that I wanted to be included in these plans. I was hoping he would ask. I can’t wait (except I don’t want it to be that close to Winter time again).
• And, as for me, I’ve already started trying to figure out how and when I can arrange to have him meet my family. Which translates to me thinking about plans for the holidays. The holidays! Soooo many months from now.

These are all plans made with the assumption that we will be going the distance and not just a flash in the pants. And I actually like it. I’m really looking forward to doing all of these things. I like thinking about everything we will get to do as a couple that both of us have had to do as singles. I very much like looking down the long path and seeing him there with me.

But this is somewhat frightening for me. The future…and its potential joy. In the recent past, I decided to stop looking into the future. I had a period of continuous, drastic, unfortunate changes in my life that made me feel that the more I thought I knew about where I was in life and the more comfortable I was in the world, the more likely it was to all fall apart.

So as I get more and more comfortable and happy with the idea of me and Guy…you know, the big “us,” I get more and more anxious about a rug being pulled out from under me. Just as I see a path lighting up before us and think I know where we’re headed, I fear what feels like the inevitable bottom dropping out somewhere along the way.

I don’t want to live this way and I do my best not to let this anxiety get in the way of enjoying life and him, but it’s there. And then, the other night, I let my trepidation about looking forward slip out. And it really bothered Guy. Tactical error.

I “eeek”ed in reference to the making of future plans. This “eeek” was not intended to signify a freak out about a future with Guy, but rather to indicate that I’m anxious about being too happy. About thinking I know how things are going to be.

This sparked a discussion about me looking for reasons for things to fail and concerns that I’m going to get scared and then cut and run. Both valid concerns based on my reaction.

So I explained that I very much want to have a future with Guy and I don’t want to find any reason to end our relationship. That, in fact, when things get a little difficult, I actually find reasons to keep it together and work through it. That I will hold on as hard as I can for as long as I can because the little voice in my head says, “Stay. This is where you need to be. This is your path.”

And so, every day I am allowing myself to get more and more comfortable looking down the path. I let myself enjoy thoughts of the future. Because, when it comes down to it, even if another rug is pulled out from under me, I know who will be there to help me stand back up. I know who can help me deal with anything that comes my way.

Which is good because it turns out there is one more reason to be a bit anxious about the future…the condom broke the other night.

Eeek. It's going to be a long few weeks.

To be continued…

S: "Off" Morning

I'm a bit out of sorts this morning. Guy and I had an "off" night, which almost got back "on" but then seems to have turned into an "off" morning.

We both have a bad habit of assuming the other is feeling a certain way and then escaping into our shells, rather than just asking. Which only causes the other one to sense something odd and escape into his/her protective shell. Until everything is just not quite clicking.

I really don't like it when we're off. And I especially don't like that it seems like I'm always screwing something up. I'm really just not that good at this relationship stuff, I guess.

But I have to cut us both some slack. We're new at this. We're still figuring each other out. We're still getting used to the things that make each other go off track.

The good news is, we recognize when we've skipped the track and we talk about it right away. In fact, I find that I'm way better at confronting this kind of "hey, is there something wrong" kind of stuff than I have been in the past. Which is good. I may actually be...gasp...growing.

This is probably because I want this relationship to work. I'm willing to work through this stuff and commit the effort to keeping us on track as much as possible. This is too good to just write off. He is worth every uncomfortable conversation and discussion of who said or didn't say what and how or why.

An "off" morning with him still in my life is a far cry better than an "on" morning with him gone. Which is a lot to say after not even two months. But it's true. I don't want him to go anywhere.

What I do know is that we'll get past this. It's just a little funk. I am confident that we'll skip right back onto the track. I know he's in this as deep as I am and it's that security that gives me the assurance to work at it and not freak out and run.

Besides, I really like working at our relationship. It's like it's this project we are doing together as a team. I love knowing there is someone who feels that I am also worth the effort. And getting back on track is always a lot of fun.

J: Phooey

The unattainable running one didn’t show up for tonight’s workout. That would be disappointing enough on it’s own. But, as would be my luck lately…I also pulled a hamstring during one of our drills. Which is lovely, considering the race is just a week and a half away. Grrreat.

So, now I’m sitting on ice, disappointed about not getting to see the guy I was hoping to charm tonight, miserably stuffed from all the post “workout“ pizza that I ate, tired and sore but still wondering if I’ll get to see the unattainable dancing boy tomorrow…um…also wondering IF I can dance tomorrow.

In good news, Mr. March emailed me again tonight. Guess he’s decided that I’ve had enough time to grieve and it’s time for date #2.

S: Quitter Quitter Don’t Be Bitter

As March nears its end, it's time for me to get off the fence and make a choice. And so…it’s official, Dateketeers…Sheila the Spinster is out of the Date of the Month Club Challenge.

After a paltry two sanctioned dates (and one accidental friend date), I am calling it quitsies.

Apparently what they say is true. The more you do not want to be in a relationship, the more likely you are to stumble upon the one someone you cannot help but jump in feet first with.

And, so, here I am, head over heels in love with someone who I figured would only have a passing interest in me. Someone I almost never met. Someone who, if I had met sooner, I would possibly not have connected with quite as well. Someone who thinks I am far better than I am and makes me want to be what he sees in me.

Someone unbelievable and unlikely and unignorable.

I never saw it coming, but if this relationship goes the way I would like it to, I will not go on a date with someone new ever again.

And according to Rule 4 of the Official Date Club Rules...

Members must go on one date with someone new every month for a year.

So if I refuse go out with anyone new any more, I must forfeit the Challenge.

Here goes.

Let the record show that I, Sheila Barnes, being of unsound mind and mostly sound body (except for these cursed thighs), do hereby forfeit the Date of the Month Club Challenge.

This is quite the sacrifice because, according to Rule 4 of the Stakes in the Official Date Club Rules…

If a member drops out of the challenge for any reason, especially if she decides to tie herself down to one fella (ahem…Jake), she forfeits her ante and any shares of the pot when it is divided at the end of the challenge.

Little did I know when we laid these rules out, that I would be the first one out. That I would be the Challenger who tied herself down to one fella (who isn’t Jake Gyllenhal). I figured I’d be in it until the bitter end…last dater standing. The spinster spinsting all the way to the bank.

Ooopsies. As Kelly Clarkson said, Miss Independent fell in love.

And I can assure you that Guy is worth every penny of the ante that I am forfeiting. He’s far better for me than any of the other guys I thought I would be trying to add to my roster of months. He’s worth missing out on any of the dating experiences I was looking forward to in this adventure.

He’s the adventure now. One I never thought I would experience. One I don’t deserve, but I’ve been lucky enough to find. One that frightens and comforts me at the same time. One that I cannot deny.

Even though I won't be dating anyone new, keep reading. Sheila is not out of the blogging business. As I mentioned in an earlier post, with Guy’s blessing and the generous agreement of my Date Club Sisters, I will continue to post about our journey, because after all, this is part of the dating experience…finding the someone who takes you off the market.

This is not the end of the story…it’s the beginning.

Aaaaaand GO!

J: The unattainable Running one

Over the past couple of months I've been training to run in a local 10K race (6.2 miles). Tomorrow is the night my training group has our track workout. That means that tomorrow I get to see the other boy that I've been calling "unattainable".

I'm not completely sure why I think of him that way. He's been perfectly friendly and very approachable. When I mentioned that I was going to start training for my next triathlon, he even talked about finding a time to get in a swimming workout together. SWIMMING! (eek!) And then when I told him about everything that happened with my pup, he listened so patiently and said all the right things and even offered to "be available if I ever need to talk."

All these things say "attainable" and yet, he still has that (oh-so-appealing) "unattainable" aura about him.

Maybe I feel that way because I know he's only ever been around Not-Cute-Jane...sweaty and beat down after a long run.

Maybe because I’ve heard through the grapevine that he just got out of a multi-year relationship…in January.

Maybe because he's super fit...and I'm…ummm…let‘s say...working on being super fit.

Maybe because I know him from church and those boys can sometimes be confusing. (Is he just really friendly or actually interested but just taking things super slooooow?)

Or maybe it's just because I've been flirty but he hasn't made any moves to actually ask me out.

Whatever it is, something in me is telling me that he most likely isn't going to be my Mr. April. I gotta listen to what my intuition is telling me and that makes me a little sad….and also intrigued, unfortunately.

At this point, I'm not going to go after him and risk pushing him away. I just get the feeling that would be a bad move with this one. My plan is to flirt and drop hints that I'd be open to spending more time together...even if it means in a swimsuit (ugh). I'll be patient and let him do the boy thing and chase me. And in the meantime, I'll work on another Mr. April and do my best to keep myself from obsessing over this one.

So, while I’m not necessarily hopeful for April, I’m still looking forward to tomorrow’s interaction. And you better believe that I'm planning to show up as ready-for-a-track-workout-cute as I can reasonably get!

J: Where I am

It’s been awhile since I last checked in. Where do I even begin to get you caught up?

Should I start with:

A.) that I’m getting a bit nervous that I only have ½ a week left in March. Every other month, I’ve had my next man ’o the month date lined up by now but as of today, April is looking bleak

-or-

B.) the fact that despite my best intentions, I still have it bad for the unattainable ones. And, now it’s not just dancing boy…I apparently have even added another unattainable one to my collection. (More on this next time.)

-or-

C.) my continuing disinterest in dating due to the recent heartbreak of losing my pup and learning how to deal with the emptiness in my heart & house

-or-

D.) my ever diminishing lack of self esteem due to the fact that I’m out dancing or running or swimming at least 6 days a week and am still not dropping any of this excess weight. Isn’t ‘self confidence’ one of the #1 factors when it comes to attraction? Oh friend, I ain't got it.

Ugh.

I think it all comes down to the fact that I’m just not content.

I’m not feeling good in my own skin. I’m impatient. I’m sad. I’m frustrated. I’m distracted and lonely…and quite honestly…I’m just not seeing a lot of hope right now.

I understand that this will pass. And for your sake, dear reader, I should probably be blogging cheerier stuff. But lately, I just am not 'cheer' personified.

What do I need to do to move past this point?

I am a true believer that we all put out a signal. The very last thing I want to do is chase away those potential Mr. Aprils when they sense the discontent that is probably pouring out of me.

So…what I’m trying to do now is to be patient and gentle with myself.

It’s perfectly okay and it’s 100% normal that I’m still sad about my pup.

It’s okay that I don’t have Mr. April lined up yet. I have more than a month left. Many, many things can happen in a month!

It’s also okay and very normal that I feel excitement when I’m contacted by either one of the unattainable ones. I just need to make sure that I consciously attach the title of “friend” each and every time…and hopefully, over time, begin to really believe the label.

(See…I feel a little better already.)

So, thanks for your patience and please accept my apologies for not staying in better touch during the last few weeks.

Stay tuned, I’m looking forward to telling you all about how this turns around.