J: Eight Minutes

Turns out, speed dating is FUN! Whodathunk it?

As you know from my last post, I was completely freaked out about the whole speed dating experience. That lasted right up until about the minute that I sat down with my first 'date'. We started talking and from that point forward the evening flew by (mostly).

If you’ve never done this before, here’s how it works:

The people arranging the event wait until about the day before the party and ‘confirm’ an equal number of guys and gals. Then, as you arrive & sign in they hand you a name tag with first name and an assigned ID#. They also hand you a card with your table number & space to write in each date’s name and a ‘distinguishing characteristic’ to help you remember which one was the marathoner and which one was the guy who called himself ‘outdoorsy’ because he enjoys riding in his convertible with the top down.

After being properly name-tagged, you are steered to the bar for some liquid courage and awkward mingling until the night officially kicks off. Once everyone arrives you go to your assigned seat, you greet the person across from you and dinnnng, the bell rings and you’re off! If the person is interesting & there are at least a few little potential sparks, 8 minutes flies by. If the guy can’t seem to keep his eyes off your nametag (fastened to your boob) it’s the longest 8 minutes…EVER! Once the bell dings again, you take a moment to discreetly mark your dating card, find your new table, shake a new hand and dinnnnnng…you’re off again.

After 4 rounds of this it’s Intermission and time to mingle with those that you got along with well or with those hotties that haven’t made it to your table yet. (By this point, the drink specials are working their magic and everyone is a little bit more outgoing, loosened up, and willing to approach & chat up a perfect stranger). Wheeee.

Right as you’ve gotten into the mingling groove, it’s time to sit back down again for 4 more dates.
At the end of the night, you look over your list of dates & decide who you’d like to see again and which ones you’d prefer to avoid at all costs. If you go with a girlfriend (as I did) you get another drink & compare notes on the evening’s events. “Did you meet THAT guy?” “Did that one tell you the story about his dog?” “Oh him? Um yeah…I just wrote ‘hell no’ as his distinguishing characteristic.”

You then have a day or so to go online with your ID# and officially select what level of contact you’d be interested in for each person: 2nd Date, Friendship, Business Acquaintance or Nada. If you both choose the same category, waaa laaa…it’s a match! They make you sign a liability waiver (“I will not hold 8-minute dating responsible for hooking me up with a mass murderer/puppy hater/toupee wearer blah blah blah.”) and they send you the other person’s email & phone number. It’s up to the two of you after that point.

Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy….right?

Yes, actually, it was. And I actually had a really great time! The thing was, we were all there for the same reason. With the way the evening was set up, you didn't have to reject and you couldn't be rejected. You sit and talk to the people that you’re assigned to sit and talk to…you can chat with anyone for 8 minutes. Right?

Conversation flowed pretty easily for the most part, and I didn’t even once have to whip out any of the horrible interview questions listed in my last post. Mostly it was: have you done this before? It’s crazy isn’t it?? Where do you work? DO you work? How long have you been in our fine, fine, southern city…and what brought you here? What do you do for fun?

It’s amazing how much you can cover in 8 minutes, and how many different directions the conversations can go! One guy had his 2 minute “About me” speech ready and was happy to recite it for me. (I was not impressed.) Another guy & I spent the entire 8 minutes talking about his obsession with U2, whereupon I had no choice but to share the fact that I had kissed Bono (no, not the real one…a wannabe) on New Year’s Eve. (Yes, I know, this would be entirely inappropriate date conversation had I not already established during the intermission mingle that while he was a bit of a hoot, this one would turn out to be nothing more than a friend.)

In the perfect example of how small of a world it is, it turned out that I actually knew two of my ‘dates’. One of them goes to my church and during our 8 minutes together he kindly (but pointedly) said “I guess you’re okay with me listing you as a friend?” The other one I see out dancing every now and again and that one was a bit awkward. We’d danced before, but there never was much conversation. The way that our 8 minute conversation started heading, I got nervous that he might have been interested in more. What to do in that situation? You know that you’ll see each other again, without needing a match notification & contact info from the 8 minute peeps. Do you list him as a ‘friend’ since you already know that’s all he’ll be, even when you know that he might be choosing '2nd date' for you? Awwwwkward.

On a positive note, this experiment turned out to be a success. On this night there ended up being two guys who I would be interested in seeing again. Afterwards, during my debrief with my friend, we found that we both felt the exact same way & got the exact same vibes off all of the exact same guys. It’ll be interesting to see if we both end up going out with the two that we liked and how our opinions will change when we have to keep up a conversation for more than 8 minutes. As far as I’m concerned, she can keep them occupied until March…I've already have my official February date. ;) (More about that later!)

I highly recommend speed dating to all of you single girls out there. (Sheila & Elle, in the spirit of adventure & camaraderie I absolutely think that you should give it a whirl! Both of you are so outgoing and fun, I truly think you'd be the stars of the night!) Yes, it's very scary to even consider and while there's really no guarantee that you'll find your "one" there, you are guaranteed to come out of the experience with at least one good story!

Now if it weren’t for our Date Club’s darn “a date must be 30 minutes long” & “you can’t bank dates” rules, I’d be set for the most of the year!

J: Curly…straight…how about a date…woo…

I am way too overly nervous about tonight’s speed dating experience. My friend who signed up with me (and has done this before) sent over a helpful article all about speed dating.

The article stresses the importance of the first impression and provides a helpful list of questions that I should anticipate, or even consider asking, if there happens to be a lull in the conversation. The list of questions literally made my blood freeze in my veins and my palms instantly start sweating. Here are some actual examples of recommended questions:

• “How long did your last relationship last & why did it end?”



• “What are your political beliefs?”



• “What do you look for in a husband/wife?”



• “Where do you see yourself in 5 year’s time”



• “If you could travel back through time, what single mistake would you correct in life?”

Etc, etc, etc…you get the picture! These questions are meant to target and eliminate anyone who doesn’t fit into the asker’s mold of the perfect life partner. Forget “fun”…this is some serious stuff!

In my book these are all questions to AVOID on first dates. And I’m actually supposed to share the answers to these deeply personal questions with a stranger that I’ve known for less than 8 minutes?? These are subjects that should only be broached once you’ve established that there’s actually something between the two of you…not as a follow-up to “Hi, my name is Jane.”

This article basically was suggesting that speed dating should be akin to an interview…even to the extent that you should have a 1-2 minute “all about me” speech prepared…and memorized! Eek!

Adding to the interview stress, I’m having wardrobe AND hair trauma.

On my “You’re a confirmed guest for our ‘Cupid Party’” email it again stressed the importance of the first impression and highly recommended dressing ‘fashionably’. Uhhh….business casual fashionable? Going dancing fashionable? Nightclub fashionable? Hanging with the gal pals fashionable? Dog park chic? I’m so confused!

Annnnd….my hair. Oh, my hair. I have some crazy hair that is a bit ummm…shall we say…schizophrenic. I recognize that I’m lucky in that I can force it into either curly or straight mode but, either way requires a conscious choice & supreme effort. My curls demand a lot of attention and if I’m not careful, they quickly go from cute curls to frizz. But going straight takes a lot of work as well and straight can go quite ugly when there’s even a drop of moisture in the air.

In my personal opinion, I’m much cuter/sexier/more confident & charming when my hair is straight. As luck would have it, it’s raining today. Buckets. Which means curls.

So, tonight, I’m walking into an interview situation without my 2 minute “about me” speech prepared, with best case: curly/worst case: frizzy hair and potentially the wrong type of “fashionable” attire (if I even hit the ‘fashionable' mark at all!) I’ve expressed my fear to my friend and she’s reassured me that it won’t be nearly as scary as I’m expecting. I’m supposed to relax and think “FUN”!

This is just another boundary that’s being stretched…of course it will feel a bit uncomfortable.

And, if nothing else, they promised to have special prices on cocktails! Wish me luck!

S: Maybe Not Doing This Right

So, I have now been asked out twice for later this week. And I am going completely against Date Club principles to decline both offers.

It’s possible I may not be doing this right.

January texted me last week, but I was busy on the night he suggested we get together. His response was “maybe next week” and then some other kind of cute stuff (which seems to only manifest itself in digital communique). Then I forgot to reply. Because apparently I’m just not a nice person. Or I’m no good at remembering to do something for longer than 47 seconds.

Raise your hand if you’re at all surprised that I’m the spinster of the group.

I have now emailed January to say that this weekend has suddenly gotten booked up. Which is really not the truth, but a much gentler reality. Then I made an off-hand remark about the whole month suddenly getting way busier than I was expecting it to. Which actually is the truth, but now seems like a blow-off since that’s what I’ve been kindly trying to do with him.

I’ve lost all sense of reality.

But seriously, is there a book called “She’s Just Not That Into You” because it would help here. I’ve Googled it and I don’t see anything. Big shocker that men wouldn’t possibly need a book with this title. I mean, ALL single girls are into men who show them interest, right? We are all just that desperate.

Or are we?

The other date request has come from the friend I mentioned in my previous post. Following the same basic script as January, he said he had a good time and wonders if I want to get together this weekend. I’m not sure what to do at this point. What I need to do is tell him that I’d like to hang out, but we need to talk about what exactly that means. We need to have “the talk.” But how do I do that without begging the question right then and there and having to have the conversation when not face-to-face? (Which this old fart finds to be rude.) If I just hint at the fact that we should have a conversation, will he drop it altogether and not give me a chance to explain myself? Thereby mucking up the friendship anyway, just by-the-by.

Such complications. Such issues I am not accustomed to handling. Well, not accustomed to handling at all well anyway.

AND, furthermore! I still have no prospects for a February Date Club date. I am in a position to decline not 1, but 2 dates this week and I still don’t know how I’m going to make my quota and not have to pay up for this month.

Three days into month 2 and this is going to be the end of me.

Maybe I should just get another cat.

S: The "F" Word

I don’t know how it happened, Dateketeers, but I do believe that I went on a non-conference date the other night. You know how sports teams will often play non-conference games during their regular seasons? Well, I think that’s what I just did. I went on a date that totally didn’t count.

At first, because I’m getting into kind of a panic about February, I was disappointed that since the plan was to attend a ticketed event, it had to happen on the 31^st and there was no way it could count as my February date. I even considered the possibility of staying out past midnight and then petitioning my very generous gal pals for leniency. But the more I thought about it, the more I was glad it could not be counted as a Date of the Month Club sanctioned date.

Because, as it turns out, it wasn’t just for fun.

On the bright side, like any good non-conference game, I got a chance to hit the field and get a little practice. Not to mention a decent night out. With leftovers. The date that keeps on giving!

On the not-so-bright side, this was not a welcome date.

This was a date with a friend. A date with a friend who I do not want to date. A date with a friend who I care about and who belongs to a larger group of friends, all of whom I do not want to end up losing in the melee of a coupleship gone bad.

Of course, in true Date Club Sheila form, in the beginning I wasn’t even sure it was a date. I had an inkling that maybe he was interested in possibly going out, but I didn’t think he was at that point really. I mean, I’ve never felt that spark, even though we hang out and have a good time together. But I have noticed him making an effort to spend time with me when we are out with the larger group. And then there we were, just the two of us on a night out, and he wouldn’t let me pay for my half of dinner. At that point it was obvious. It…was…a…date. Damn.

O.k., for me, dating a friend is a bad idea, unless there is something very clearly undeniable there. Something that tells you that if you don’t let the relationship develop into something more, it’s going to shrivel away altogether. Something you genuinely cannot avoid. Not the kind of something you can just get over with some time and perhaps someone else to focus your energy on. Something inescapable.

Here’s the deal, a friendship can continue in perpetuity. You can truly be friends with someone forever. But anything beyond friendship must, at some point, come to an end. It is very rare that a romantic relationship lasts forever. Very. Rare. This is why I do not date friends. If I am in a relationship with someone I care about and with whom I enjoy spending time, why wouldn’t I want the relationship to go on forever?

My best guy friend, from like the last 117 years, doesn’t understand the not dating friends thing. He thinks using your love for someone as a reason to keep the relationship from progressing is wrong. To him it’s obvious that you should allow yourself to get more and more involved with someone you care about. This is just how it should be done.

And I can see how that makes sense. I mean, you have to have a deep friendship with your spouse so that there is something there when the early passion is gone and everyday life replaces brief encounters and stolen glances. So, yes, it stands to reason that getting romantic with a friend would aid in this development of a deeper, more everlasting relationship.

I just can’t do it. Maybe because I can always see the end of the road. I know that eventually I will lose this person entirely once the thing has fizzled out. Perhaps it’s better not to have a crystal ball that shows you the future. Maybe it’s better not to know. Because then at least you could take a chance.

Anyway, back to the “date.” We had a good time. Of course. I always have a good time with this person. This is why I agreed to go out with him, even when I thought maybe it was a date to him but a friend thing to me. He’s a great person to spend an evening with. He’s sweet and fun and makes me laugh. And in all actuality, there was no reason I shouldn’t hang out with him.

But now it looks like we should probably have a chat. Which sucks, because I’m no good at this chat. This chat had my guy BFF and I not on speaking terms for a number of years. (See what I mean about the friend thing?) But it seems unavoidable at this point. Because, you see, he went in for a kiss. Thankfully, there was no kiss, as I could tell what was going on in enough time to dodge and maintain strict hug posture, but this was a definite sign of him thinking “more than just friends.”

And I am so not there. And now it’s weird. And I don’t want to reject him.

And I’m glad it doesn’t count.

J: Mr. January (the Second) => Mr. February

What with one thing or another and both of our busy schedules (and maybe just a touch of sneakiness on my part), my date with the second Mr January never happened.

So here it is, the first of February and I got a call from the old "Mr. January (the Second)"...now the new potential "Mr. February" himself...wanting to get our date set up.

I'm actually feeling really positive. I have a date all lined up for later this week, I have my "Cupid party" on Thursday and a night of dancing on Friday to look forward to.

For the first time in my many years of facing this romantic month all alone, I'm actually looking forward to February.

E: My date with the guy who affectionately referred to himself as "January"

My date with January was nice. I found myself getting nervous for this one. Not quite sure why. It didn't help matters when he called to say he was going to be an hour late. (An Hour? Damn, had I known that I could have got that nap in.) In his defense, when I picked Friday for our date he warned me we might have to play the time by ear. I figured he had some fancy-schmancy job that required him to be there or the whole place would implode, or something of the sort.

Anyway, he picked me up and we headed to a local mexican restaurant. You can't beat margaritas on a Friday night. We chit-chatted for an hour or so until dinner and the chips were gone, at which point he asked if i wanted to go somewhere and grab a drink. Ok, why not, the night was still young. It was while driving to the next stop I actually noticed what a big, humoungo, mammoth SUV we were riding in! I mean, I could live in that thing if it had a shower! Seriously, you could fit a whole steak dinner inside the console, with room for a glass of wine and dessert. I looked over at him, wondering why in the heck he drove such a monster for 1 person. It was then he proceeded to tell me that he is recently divorced and this was supposed to be the family vehicle. Oh, and he has a 6 month old. Oh, and I am his very first date since his divorce. OMG - Mr. January, you're killin me.

All in all I had an OK time with him and he is a very nice person, but there was no real chemistry. Lessons learned: maybe having them pick you up is not such a good idea. You have no control over when the date ends. 2nd Lesson: He was an hour late because of his baby. And while I believe the baby should be his top priority, I am not interested in dating someone with one. At the end of the date he mentioned us going out to a movie sometime. I might do that, as a friend, as long as it's not SpongeBob or something. HA. Onward to February!