J: Dancing with Mr. May

Last night was my dancing date and I have completely mixed emotions about it. Though, now that it’s the next morning and I’ve had a little time to process, I figure it’s a good time to report in…

So, I’ll start off saying that this was definitely a date! We met up at a spot where we’ve danced before and left from there to head to one of his favorite “honky-tonk” spots. A friend of ours from dance classes was at the first place and a little confused (and I think hurt) when we left early for the 2nd spot and she wasn’t invited along. But, this not being my show, I wasn’t going to be the one to extend the invitation.

I let Mr. May know when he first asked me out (and again when we started off the evening) that it would need to be a fairly early night for me since I meet my running group for an early jog on Saturday mornings. Typically, I try to be home by 11 or so on Saturdays so that I can survive the run…especially in the summer. (Yes, I realize that this early curfew makes me a bit of a loser but we all do what we need to do, right?) Last night, I told him that I’d probably need to leave by midnight and knowing that he’s a late-late night guy, I even offered to drive separately so he could stay as late as his little country music-luvin' heart desired. He’d have none of that.

Honestly, in the back of my mind, I was thinking I’d probably end up deciding to skip the run and just enjoy the night. However, after 6 hours of dancing, my feet hurt. Badly! I’ve just fairly recently recovered from a foot injury and apparently am still not used to that kind of marathon dancing. While I was truly enjoying all the 2-steppin, my aching muscles, ever growing blisters and flagging energy level was seriously cutting into my fun. So, when I mentioned a little after midnight that it was getting late and he ignored my hints and insisted on more and more dancing I was (understandably) frustrated. Finally, it was almost 1 and the band had returned from a break and started up again and he was leading me onto the dance floor again, I firmly told him “One more song”. We left after that but he wasn’t happy about it…at all. But I wasn’t happy either. He had ignored something that was obviously important to me, and it left me feeling very disrespected.

But, here’s where the mixed emotions come in. A “dancing date”, is apparently very different from just going out dancing. It was really a great experience (and extremely intimate) to be somewhere with the intent of just dancing with one person instead of flitting from guy to guy. We danced constantly and our bodies got closer and closer and closer to each other with each song. Very, very sexy. After all of my many dance classes’ emphasis on the importance of a good frame it was quite freeing to drop the structured arms and perfect hand placement and just…move. With all that physical closeness though, I was surprised when by the end of the night he hadn’t tried to kiss me. He didn’t even attempt it! But then again, by the end of the night, as I mentioned, both of us were just a little bit grumpy with each other too. And while we got to a better place on the drive back to my car (he apologized for keeping me out later than I had wanted, I apologized for making him leave before he was ready) I might have still been giving off “it’ll-be-another-30-minutes-before-I’m-even-home-and-it’s-already-almost-2:00-and-I’m-totally-not-gonna-make-it-to-my-morning-run” vibes that might have been interpreted as “stay away.”

Thinking about my no-kiss disappointment on the way home I realized that much of it probably stems from the fact that the last time anyone even attempted to kiss me was in JANUARY…and that was a random sparkle-shirted-boy who just might have been gay. Does he even count? Pathetic, huh? When he left for a work trip earlier this week, my Bestest single guy friend’s parting words were: “Have a good time. Kiss a boy”. I thought that surely last night, that would happen. Is something wrong with me that it’s been 8 months, and over 8 dates since anyone’s even made an attempt. Ouch. That’s not good for the ego.

But more mixed emotions, here…I really don’t think that (even if he had kissed me) Mr. May and I are destined for that happily-ever-after. We dance well together. We have great fun arguing with each other about the ‘right’ way to do a particular move. We enjoy teasing each other about who is leading what step. We have good chemistry. We’re both always smiling when we’re together. But the reality is…we haven’t gotten much deeper than talking about our favorite dances, our favorite dance spots, exactly how to do that waltz move that we learned last week, the benefit of good dance shoes, etc. But even through discussions centered around our one favorite topic, (and probably the only thing we have in common), I’ve been able to pick up hints that we’re pretty different in regards to the way that we view the world.

But I went into this date knowing that. And accepting it. And planning to have a good time anyways. And honestly…hoping to discover that I hadn’t actually forgotten the fine art of kissing.

So, where does that leave us? I think it’s safe to assume that we didn’t mess up our “friendship” dynamic too much. I’ll have to see if anything feels awkward between us when I see him in class tomorrow. (Well…if my feet have stopped hurting enough to allow me to even go to class!) Do I text him to say thanks for the great time? I think I will. Because, despite the whole disrespect of time issue, I really did have a blast!

And in regards to the late night date…maybe I DO need to lighten up. Maybe I should have been okay with staying up until all hours. And honestly, I probably would have, were it not for the fact that my feet were in agony and he just didn’t want to sit down. He wanted to keep moving. And after 6 straight hours my feet (and body) just couldn’t anymore.

But really, that late night stuff…it’s just not me, and it never has been. Probably never will be.

Just another indication that there is not long-term potential with this one. Although, I really hope that he’s still willing to be short-term fun. And next time, I’ll insist on driving myself and meeting him there!

S: Go Time Go!

This time, while waiting for time to pass, is rather frustrating. And I can't do anything about it. I just have to wait for time to pass.

Some annoyances I'm struggling with today...

I keep thinking of things I could have said to him. Points that may have changed his mind. Reasonable arguments that could have made him feel better about the status of our relationship. But, then again, maybe they wouldn't have. He's very stubborn and has a tendency not to see the other side of things until much later. Still, they tumble around in my head, causing me to have to constantly convince myself that I must resist the urge to say them to him now. Only time can allow me to focus on other things.

Everything is a reminder. This is a phase that just drives me crazy. That point at which you can't look or listen anywhere to anything without seeing or hearing a reminder of the other person. And the only thing that makes it go away is the passage of time. Even then, you are still reminded, but the remembering is not so charged. Eventually the meaning is lost and the memory is just part of your story. I would like to accelerate to that point.

Hoping that every time I get a text, it's from him. I feel like a dog waiting for its master to come home. Every car that drives by is the one. And then the disappointment of being wrong. It's just plain silliness. Again, only time lessens this effect. (Of course, it doesn't help when he still texts me, but I know that eventually I just won't care that much if I hear from him.)

Thinking of all the things I depended on him for that I'm going to have to deal with on my own now. For someone so independent, I was allowing myself to lean on him a lot. Especially in just 6 months' time. Who will I run things past to help make decisions? Who will keep me from being lonely at Christmas when I can't afford to go see my family? Who will buy me sushi? Who will take me tailgating during football season? Dammit, I can do these things on my own. Time will prove that I don't need him.

Missing him. I would definitely like to stop missing him now. But I can't fast forward that either.

Yes, it all goes away. Just not soon enough for my liking. Go, time! Pass already.

S: Small Victory?

He texted me last night. It was after midnight and he had just realized, after seeing something I posted on Facebook, that it had been Friday the 13th. I wasn't sure what kind of response he was looking for, and I was already in bed and falling asleep, so I didn't reply. I don't feel a strong need to make him feel better about this.

But he texted, so he must be missing me a little bit.

Good. He should.

Then he texted that he was cooking up some chicken wings and he would invite me over for some if I wasn't a vegetarian.

Interesting...starting a conversation about inviting me over. After midnight.

This I did reply to. I told him that it would actually be advantageous for him to invite me over for wings because I would be guaranteed not to eat any. More for him. And then I said he was naughty for eating crap food so late at night.

His response was that I could come over and watch him eat crap food then.

He was jonesing for the Sheila. Duh. Who wouldn't be?

This made me feel very good. But I had no intention of going over. Bad idea. I had to resist the voice saying that I should go over so maybe he has an opportunity to change his mind. This voice is always wrong. This voice gets you hurt. This voice has led me astray in the past.

I replied that he knew that pizza was my late-night weakness anyway and he said he actually had a cheese pizza there that he had bought for me last week. I said it was sweet that he bought me a pizza.

Then I sent a message telling him that I was impressed with the way he was trying to disguise his booty call with food, that he knew me well enough to know food is the way to get to me. Punctuated with a winkyface. I think this made him feel bad. He apologized.

I told him that no apology was necessary. I wasn't offended and it was nice to hear from him.

A bit later he sent a message that his wings would be done in 10 minutes and it was my last call for pizza. More resisting. A lot of resisting. It's a good thing I was already in bed and would have had to make myself decent to go over there, or I think I would have gone. I want him to want me. And I miss him a lot.

But I know it's not a good idea. We all know that while his invitation was for food, his underlying intent was for me to stay over. This would feel good...until morning. I need a chance to let the wound scab over and move on. And really, if he's going to have issues with us having sex with no intention of being married, how is it better for us to have sex if we aren't even in a relationship? It just doesn't make sense. And all it would do to me is keep that hope going. I've been there. The sooner I get past the hope, the better.

I told him that the idea was both good and bad. And, as much as I want to spend the time with him, last night was not going to be the night for that. I did encourage further text flirting, but he never responded.

Maybe he felt bad. Maybe he was disappointed that I declined his invitation and had nothing further to say to me. Maybe his fingers were too gooey from the wings to text. Who knows? I'm weary of trying to figure him out.

What matters is that he reached out to me. It's nice to be missed and desired. Now I just need to make sure I use the feeling to bolster my self-confidence, not as a reason for hope or hanging on. This is tough to do, but I know it's what has to be done.

He's going to a wedding out of town tonight. I wonder if I'll hear from him again. Fortunately, I have plans so I won't be home jumping up at every text ding in that Pavlovian way.

S: First Night On My Own

Tonight has been weird. But not altogether bad.

Yes it sucked knowing I had no Guy to go hang out with as I had planned. And, yes, it sucked knowing there wasn't someone out there thinking loving thoughts about me. And, yes, it sucked thinking that this wasn't just a temporary thing.

I don't like it when things are over.

But I'm adaptable.

Here's what I did like:

• Having plenty of time to work out. Not just rushing through it to get out the door.
• Not having to get myself "ready" again after my workout shower.
• Not having to shave in all the places where it's annoying to have to shave.
• Not having any stress wondering what I should be doing to not screw up things with Guy tonight. "Should I be there by now?" "Should I have texted him?" "Should I not have texted him?" "Why haven't I heard from him?" "Did I say the right thing earlier?" I had no idea how much time and energy I spent stressing out over keeping things good.
• Eating dairy. TMI in 3...2...1...I'm slightly lactose intolerant, so dairy makes me ummm...how to put this delicately...oh, forget it...it makes me gassy. Gassy makes an evening with one's boyfriend rather unpleasant. No boyfriend? No plans? Toot away!
• Realizing that I get to flirt and go on dates again. I'm good at flirting and going on dates. I like the electricity of that first connection with someone. And I've been feeling a little left out reading all of Jane's adventures. It'll be fun to be back in the saddle.
• Not neglecting my cats for once.
• Knowing that this is his loss and he's likely to regret it way more than I will.

Don't get me wrong. I miss him. And I really was in it for the long haul. I'm not gonna lie, if he changed his mind and said he loved me (and could make me believe his thinking on things had changed), I can't say I wouldn't jump right back in.

But the fact is that I'm great on my own. I shine when I'm allowed to be free. Being cut loose opens the world up for me again. It's time to have some fun.

S: Finished

He broke up with me last night.

I owe you details. But the gist of it was that we aren't going anywhere so he doesn't want to waste my time.

I'm as confused as you are.

We did manage one last great round of "personal" time this morning. I'm gonna miss that.

So I'm back in the game. And still have time to find an August.

Watch out boys. I'm putting alligators in the mote. Nobody's busting down the walls this time. But I have a game to finish and some spinster cred to earn back. There will be no survivors.

S: Of Sisters and Spinsters

I have just returned from getting my older sister married off. That leaves me holding the family spinster torch all on my own.

The wedding was beautiful and the whole trip was a lot of fun. She snatched up a good one. Kudos to her.

And despite recent odd feelings of left-outedness when it comes to permanent relationships and having families and stuff (which I owe you an in depth post about), I couldn't help but feel "better her than me" pretty much the entire time.

As wonderful as I think it is and will be for her, I can't see me doing it.

Spinsterhood...roll on.

J: Ho-hum

I was having lunch with a friend and told her about my two upcoming dates.

She was surprised that I was so un-excited about the whole weekend and really, I struggled to try to put my feelings into words. But, she wouldn’t let me brush off the question and made me face what was really going on. So…here’s what I decided…

#1: I’m less and less interested in Mr. August every single time we have any kind of contact

#2: I’m really just going out with him to meet my quota

#3: I only accepted his invite because of all the invitations I’ve received through OKCupid, he seems to be the least scary

#4: I fully expect to have to have one of those difficult “I’m just not that into you” conversations with him, after the date (and I would like to avoid that conversation at all costs, if possible!)

Wooooow. That’s so not the best way to go into a date!

I really hope this guy knocks my socks off and completely proves me wrong. I hope that my abs hurt from all the laughter during the date. I hope that he is actually the 5’8” that he promises (using a real ruler, not a “guy ruler” (you know…those special rulers that seem to somehow make everyone (and everything)…um…more lengthy)) I hope that I’m shocked at how many hours have flown by because the conversation is so great. I hope that the place that we meet at has good coffee. I hope that by Monday I’m still smiling ear to ear from the Best Date EVER!

See, this is a much better attitude to go in with…wish me luck!

J: August....or MAY?!?

My August date is officially set up. We have breakfast plans for next Sunday.

I’m not at all excited about it. Strange, I know.

This is the guy who made me laugh who I met on OKCupid…but Mr. Funny’s gotten less and less funny as we communicate more and more. And quite honestly, I wasn’t all that physically attracted to his picture in the first place.

I need to go in with an open mind and a much better attitude. I really don’t know what my problem is.

Welllll....ok...maybe I have SOME idea...

Here's the thing...I have a second date with Mr. May on Friday night. We've reconnected in our dancing classes and have been flirting for a little over a month now. And he finally asked if he could take me out dancing. DANCING! And I am very much looking forward to it. He’s said several things that suggest that he’s interested in more than just a Cha-Cha or two…which makes me grin, when I think about it, but it also kindof makes me nervous too. I’ve enjoyed the flirty fun that we’ve had in class and am a little reluctant to have that dynamic change.

I’m sure that I’ll have plenty to report back after this action packed weekend.

How To Be Alone--A gift for you...