S: I Had a Feeling

I had a date yesterday and guess who randomly emerged from the woodwork.

You got it.

Guy.

I haven't seen him in two weeks and haven't communicated with him since the exchange of a couple of "our football team sucks" texts last Saturday night. I've been laying low waiting to see if he'll reach out to me. I needed space. He needed space. Whatever we have left between us needed room to breathe.

I've been very strong. Every time I wanted to reach out and share something with him, I resisted. Which was rather difficult. But I wanted that feeling of having him be the one who could no longer stand the silence. I wanted him to miss my brand of sunshine in his life. I kept telling myself it would feel really good to hear from him without prompting it.

And...it...did.

But not quite as much as I thought it would.

I was at an event last night and as it was finishing up, I happened to check my phone because I had exchanged a few messages with Mr. October. When I glanced at it I saw two new texts. One from Mr. October and one from Guy.

This was completely unexpected. Well...not *completely*. I had a strong feeling all day that I might hear from him. And, somehow, I almost always know what's going through his head.

His message was casual, just inquiring about the event, which he saw in one of my Facebook updates. Proving that he is curious enough to check up on me through Facebook. (I, however, have had to block his updates. I can't stand seeing him in pictures at events he should be taking me to. And I fear seeing him with someone new.)

We spent the rest of the night texting back and forth. Not always in the most innocent of ways. BUT, I did not go over. I didn't want to. Right now I'm feeling like the only thing that will get me over there are the words "I miss you. Can we talk?"

I've just made too much progress moving on in the last two weeks. Being with him just makes it harder to forget what it's like being with him and loving him. Absence is helping the heart grow fungus (that and me REALLY talking myself out of him). If I go over there now, it'll be August again.

I think hitting the two month mark made some things clear. I should be way more past this and I'm not. Because I keep being a part of it.

He reached out because he misses me. I know that. But he also reached out because he hasn't had his needs met for a couple of weeks. I'm not sure which is the stronger urge for him. The urge to have me in his life or the urge to have me in his bed. I wish it were the former, but I fear it is the latter.

I have the same urges, but I want life over bed.

I still really want to hear those words.

That's getting in the way of FWB.

We're still sending messages today. He's clearly still having urges. Fortunately I have plans tonight and tomorrow night, so giving in to him will be nearly impossible. It's difficult because his urges give me urges, but the lack of him in my life still remains and I can't forget how far I've come.

I want him to want the whole package and all its contents. Not just the box to play with.

S: Double Update

I have two updates for you this evening. Neither one of them involves Guy.

I know, right?

Update 1: Mr. September

Mr. September has been set free. And, yes, I did it by text.

Before you judge me…he asked the question via text, so why is it wrong for me to supply the answer via text? It’s not like I hung up on him and then texted him. Or he asked me in person and I said “yes” and then texted “no.”

Ask in a text…get an answer in a text. Fair’s fair, right?

I haven’t heard much from Mr. September since last week. I was hoping he had come to the realization that we just weren’t going to be a thing and I wouldn’t hear from him any more. But then, every now and then I would get a message from him about not much of anything. Just little check-ins. I would say “D’oh!” to myself and reply in kind.

Again, early this week I stopped hearing from him and figured he finally got it. Until this evening when he checked in once more. And then…he asked if I would be interested in getting together again.

There it was. The question. Would I be interested?

No. I would not.

I wrestled over the text thing until I made the decision I described above. I had thought it would be more classy to call and tell him we weren’t going to be, but he texted, so I replied. After a text question, a call would have seemed like a bigger deal than it needed to be.

Basically, I told him that I didn’t feel like we had connected. I was surprised we hadn’t, but we hadn’t. I told him I didn’t see this going anywhere and I didn’t want to take up his time or give him false ideas. Then I told him I hoped he could respect that.

He’s at a movie tonight, so I haven’t heard anything. I don’t really expect to. I mean, we went on two dates, so it’s not like we had a big thing going.

As I sent the text, I said to the universe, “Goodbye, nice boy.” I’m guessing this is not the last time I will have to say that to the universe. If not to an actual boy.

And now, on to the fun stuff…

Update 2: Mr. October

Onward and upward. I think. But who knows? We’ve never met. But we certainly connect in text. And at this point, I’m very curious about the guy who could so totally distract me from The Guy.

Because he has.

Totally.

And even if we don’t go on more than one date, he seems like an awesome guy to know. I’d like an opportunity to make my way into his world a little bit.

Finally, today, after about a week of messages and two days of pretty regular texting (as in, first in the morning to last at night), he asked if I would be up for a lunch date sometime soon.

Lunch is better for him because he’s a full time dad. But then he also mentioned he would be available next Tuesday evening for a while if that worked better for me.

My daytime schedule has been way too open lately, so I told him I could do just about anything that would work for him. He mentioned having a project that was keeping him pretty busy, so I figured we would have to work around his schedule more than mine.

I also figured we’d have to wait until next week because he mentioned that he was pretty busy this week. But then suddenly lunch tomorrow was on the table.

Bwahahaha! “On the table.” Get it? I kill me.

Lunch tomorrow sounded great to me. I really want to meet this guy. I don’t think I could have made arrangements for a date next week and then waited days and days for it to happen. I gotta know if we connect. He has piqued my interest.

Well done, Octy. Well done.

Hey! I have an October date scheduled! I really didn’t think I would. I wasn’t going to ask anyone and I wasn’t going to work it to get anyone to ask me. I was just going to let October pass. The dating thing was making me miss Guy too much.

And now, much to my delight, there is a date in my lap. (ahh yeah) Where it fell. Without any effort. Well, beyond taking a good picture and posting clever profile answers on the internet. And being all cute in my messages. Which is SUPER hard.

I have a date tomorrow!

Apparently I’m a little excited about this. And nervous. He thinks my pictures are pretty, but what if he doesn’t think I’m pretty in person? He seems really into me, but what if I’m not very interesting in person? What if we have nothing to talk about? What if I’m disappointing to him?

Wait. He’s just October. I’ve enjoyed our digital exchanges, but if we don’t connect in person, it’s not like we’ve lost anything. I’ll need a new distraction, but maybe not as much any more.

But, wait again, what if he’s into me but I’m not into him? I really REALLY hope that doesn’t happen. I hope, whatever goes on, it’s mutual.

And he still thinks I’m pretty.

Update of the Updates

First, I noticed on OkCupid tonight that Mr. October has removed his profile. Hmmmm...done looking? Interesting.

And second, this just in…Mr. September sent a reply.

He said that he understood but that it was a pity. (smiley face included) He wished me luck and told me to take care. I replied that it is indeed a pity and that he too should take care.

Only two more months. Thankfully. Then back to spinsting.

J: Please remind me

When I go to that place that I was in today...

You know the one...

Where nothing seems to go your way.
Where there's no sun, just dark clouds and doom.
Where just being 'you' is not enough.
Where the universe seems out to get you.
Where the future is not necessarily a place that you're looking forward to getting to.
Where there is absolutely nothing about yourself that is charming or the least little bit attractive.

Remind me, please...that I just need to pull on my boots and go dancing.

Today was not a good day. I was completely planning to go home and go to bed. But my car knew better than I did and I suddenly found myself at my (long neglected) favorite dance hall.

My worries drifted away with the quick-quick-slow-slow. A smile took up residence on my face. My straight hair curled in the most un-becoming way...and I didn't care.

I danced to every single song until breathless and sweaty, the clouds drifted away.

I re-found my confidence. I re-found my sexy. I re-found me.

I'm just asking for a reminder, here, friends...if you see me going 'there' again.

It's an easy fix...just...don't let me forget.

S: OkStupid

Well, if nothing else, I certainly feel like I’m getting a lot of good material out of my online dating experience thus far. At this point, I think OkCupid is not the right name for this site. I’m calling it OkStupid.

First of all, it has become obvious that I already know all of the single guys in my city. I just keep finding more and more people I have either met or know through our healthy local social media network. This frightens me. I think I was dumped by the last decent single guy in town I hadn’t already met. Dammit.

So, basically, from what I can tell, this really is just like being at a bar without having to put on pants and leave the house. (That’s a plus…pants are lame.) Same characters. Same lines. Same need to chew off one’s leg and escape as soon as possible.

I’m not sure why I took the time to get all judgey and fill out the detailed mate criteria survey. I’m not a fan of categorizing who I’d like to be with in the first place, but figure that’s what this kind of social experiment is for. I mean, in a bar, you can’t just hold up a sign indicating who should and should not approach you.

Except, in spite of this, I keep getting messages from men who do not fit my selected criteria at all. Hi, you live in Arkansas. Why would I be remotely interested in you? Umm…you’re 50 and appear to weigh about 367 pounds. Really? Do you want me to reject you that badly? Read the profile. Understand.

And furthermore, what part of my cleverly written profile makes you think that sending me a message consisting of just (read with your best dumb puppy voice) “YOU’RE PRETTY” will be at all interesting to me? Try harder or don’t be offended when you don’t get anything back.

One (rather hot) guy, who I had not ever communicated with, sent me his phone number and suggested I come to his house and watch TV and he would play with my kitty. Subtle. I wonder what he had in mind. Do I seem that easy in my profile? Perhaps I should add “Things I’m not good at: Hooking up.” Actually, I suppose I should have gone over and gotten my monthly date out of the way. (Couldn’t even type that with a straight face.)

One guy who lives a couple hours away seemed fun at first but now has the stink of desperation. Long messages. Deep questions. Really crushy. Always trying to chat. BAH! Back off! It has now become clear that I’m going to have to blow him off. He’s getting way too into this. Unfortunately, since we’re not at a bar, I can’t do this by just getting up and escaping to the ladies’ room. I hate being rude, but he’s the kind who won’t go away if you’re not mean. “So you’re saying there’s a chance.”

One guy seemed interesting, mature and fun at first but then immediately started talking about my ass. Which apparently he has already imagined. An image I’m sure I could never live up to. And since when is it ok to discuss a complete stranger’s ass with her?! Call me old fashioned but(t) no thanks.

One guy was clearly very proud of the size of his genitalia. His cock has been blocked.

Mostly I now have a whole new inbox to keep up with. Every day I have a brand new pile of guys to reject. I don’t know if I should ignore them, or be nice and say something. If I ignore them, I’m a bitch. But if I respond, it only encourages them. For now, I ignore most of them and answer anyone who seems to have half a brain because I just can’t keep up with all the random pick-up lines and scary profiles.

At least at the bar, I can just leave. “Uh oh, I think I hear my mom calling me. Gotta go.”

Coincidentally, what you don’t learn in a bar is how bad most of these guys are at communicating with the written word.

MEN OF THE WORLD: YOUR is possessive…YOU’RE is a contraction of YOU ARE.

My updated profile shall specify this.

I wish you could see some of the messages I get and some of the profiles I come across. It’s an interesting pastime really. I encourage you to sign up, whether or not you are looking for someone to hang out with, just so you can experience what I’m experiencing. It’s good for a giggle.

And I can’t wait until this challenge is over and I can remove myself from the meat case.

Ugh.

S: The New Now

Today marks 2 months. For the first time, it actually feels like it's been a while and it didn't just happen yesterday.

I was thinking I would send him a message today. You know, to highlight the occasion. But I have nothing to say. I would respond if reached out to, but I can't think of anything I want to tell him.

So I remain silent.

And he doesn't seem to miss me.

And I seem to miss him less.

He's fading.

This is the passage of time I was anxious for. And keeping my distance has helped.

As has Potential Mr. October.

I guess the only thing to do is keep moving forward. And see what the world looks like at the 3 month mark.

Go, Time...go.

S: Maybe a Mr. October...ctd.

My potential Mr. October continues to be cute and sweet and interesting.

And he's THIS close to arranging a date. He keeps asking about what I like to do and eat and then randomly giving me insight into his schedule.

Let's make it happen, Octy. I don't want to sweat it 'til the end.

Yesterday he sent me his digits, which I utilized to set off a nice day of exchanging text messages. You know how Sheila loves her texting.

Our digital conversation was so engaging that he almost made me forget that today is the two month mark.

Until he texted something complimentary and sounded just like Guy. And it made me cry a little bit. Because it was so sweet. And it wasn't coming from the right male of the species.

It feels weird to be remotely interested in someone else. Even at this early "I'm just curious" stage. I kind of feel like I'm cheating on Guy. Like I'm supposed to be holding out for him to change his mind. Like I'm supposed to believe that there really isn't someone else out there who could be good for me. That if I move on, I'll be destroying something. I'll be officially closing the door on Guy and Sheila.

It's almost like I want someone to call him and tell him he really is about to lose me, so if he's going to come to any kind of realization, now's the time. Because it feels like it would be kind of sad to move on.

But that's ridiculous. And I know it.

I'm not saying that this October guy is going to turn into anything. That's not where I am right now. But he does make it possible for the "ding ding" of a new text from someone other than Guy to illicit a cheesy grin. And he makes it seem possible to imagine a non-Guy guy being satisfactory. He also makes it seem possible that someone super hot other than Guy could actually find me desirable.

I guess for the first time it feels like the car really isn't going to turn around. Perhaps my head and heart are finally starting to communicate again.

J: Yours, Mine, Ours

I don’t know how to do this.

I have lots of practice with dating but very little practice with actual relationships.

Okay… yeah…I was married for five years… but that was seven years ago! I’ve been single much longer than I was ever married. Besides, don’t they say, that in 7 years the body completely regenerates itself? That your cells remake themselves completely after 7 years? Seven years is a long long time.

In this relationship, (because, yes, I am giving us that 'relationship' label) I’m just not sure exactly how to just be.

I freak out on Monday morning after spending the entire weekend with him, when I look back and think that it might have been a little bit too much. But during the weekend I don’t want to be anywhere else…I can’t imagine being anywhere else.

There’s “Yours”. There’s “Mine”. And there’s “Ours”.

I had the “mine” figured out. I was happy and completely comfortable with the “mine”. I liked the “mine.” But at this point, I’d much, much rather have the “ours”. And it scares me that I would even consider that as a choice.

I know that the “yours” is important too. I know that I can’t crowd or smother or take away too much of the “yours” but…really…I just want more and more of that delicious “ours” and I want him to want it too.

How much of the “yours” can I claim and how much of the “mine” can I give up before we both lose that something that makes the “ours” so magical?

Can I tell him how I’m feeling about this without ending up sounding desperately needy?

Can I even allow myself to be vulnerable enough with him to admit that I’m feeling just a little bit lost and freaked out about all of this?

He’s the one who brought up the “we need to slow down” discussion. Buuuuuut, he’s the one calling me his ‘girlfriend’. He’s the one talking about Christmas. He’s the one who offered me a DRAWER in his bedroom this weekend.

Help! What do I do? Let it ride? Keep doing what I’m doing? Stifle my crazy a little bit longer? Not let on that this whole thing is making me a bit nutzo?

Or…can I open that crazy box lid just a little? Can I trust him with this discussion? Would sharing THIS be “too fast”? Is THIS expecting too much too quickly?

Errrrgggg…single is easy. Dating is hard. Relationships...whew...relationships seem impossibly challenging right now.

S: Maybe a Mr. October

I have pretty much decided that I'm not going to chase after a Mr. October. This dating thing is just way too hard still. All it does is remind me that I'm not with the person I want to be with. This fact is easy to ignore when I'm focused on other aspects of my life, but as soon as I have to think about dating, it's all back in the front of my mind.

BUT, if a Mr. October just happened to fall in my lap...woohoo! Wouldn't that be good times? Mr. October right there in my lap. Especially if it happened to be the hunk of love I am now exchanging messages with online.

His first message to me arrived with no profile information and no pic. The message was flattering, but generic and requested I email him and he'd send a photo if I was interested. Feeling a bit on the snarky side that evening, I sent him a snappy little message back explaining that I was curious because he did not seem to exist and I was pretty sure he was just trying to get my email address so he could sell me discount pharmaceuticals and toner cartridges. I told him I was covered in the pharma and toner department but if he could convince me he was real, we could see what might happen.

I figured I wouldn't hear back from him. My sassypants usually keep out the riffraff.

He bit. He responded that he did exist but that he was shy about putting a bunch of information online. He told me a little more about himself and said some more complimentary things about me. More specific compliments. Including about my hair.

And we all know what a sucker I am if a person likes my hair.

Before I had a chance to compose a reply, I received another message from him saying he was filling out his profile so I would believe he existed. Which just made him seem more cute. Like he was actually trying to earn my interest and not just looking for an easy target.

O.k., at this point, I will admit that he does fit the profile of the online player my male friend warned me about. Seems sort of shy and awkward, but is really just faking it as a way of being smooth. But what do I care? I just need someone to ask me to go get a coffee. I'm not going home with him. He can be a player if he wants to be. Doesn't matter to me. If he's playing, he'll get bored with me quickly anyway.

I checked out what he had done to make me believe in him. The newly added photos helped pique my interest. (Somebody works out.) And his profile seemed fine enough. He does a good job of making himself sound like a good guy, while not seeming to be trying too hard. He also seems like a very busy guy. He's got kids and I get the impression they spend most of their time with him, so he's not free a lot in the evenings or on the weekends. This is certainly fine with me as I don't really feel like getting involved with anyone at this point. I need a date, not a mate.

So he's cute. He thinks I'm pretty. He likes my hair. He can put up with my attitude. And he pretends to be surprised that I'm even communicating with him at all. Sounds like a perfectly good Mr. October to me.

Now I just have to keep him messaging until he suggests we meet. I'm not sure how long this will take, but the month is young. If I can get a coffee date out of him, the $4 I spend on a latte will definitely be a better investment than the $10 I was intending to pay the piggy. And I bet his conversation is better than the piggy's too.

Hopefully.