J: Broken

I really don’t want to write this.

I’m not completely sure, actually, how to do it.

Maybe, I just come out and say it…

I broke up with Mr. September on Thursday night.

Yes, the wonderful, fantastic, perfect, cute, charming, splendid Mr. September. I broke up with him.

Really, it came down to the fact that he just doesn’t like me enough. He tried. He made a valiant effort. In his head he thinks I’m perfect. In his heart, he’s cold. I deserve better.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve just felt like something was wrong, and I couldn’t seem to do anything right to fix it.

Since we decided to back off…to slow down, I’ve been adrift. What does it really mean to slow down? How do you stop a train that’s already sped away? Over the past two weeks, I’ve subconsciously been putting him in a ‘friend’ box to try to protect my heart. But is that the relationship I want? It hasn’t even been TWO MONTHS! Where are the sparks, the electricity, the goofy grins, the unicorns & glitter?

It was absolutely there at the beginning. And it’s not like I expect that excitement to be there forever.

But isn’t this supposed to be the fun part? Isn’t everything supposed to be easy at this early stage? Do I just accept that I don’t get the excitement anymore? That I’m not worthy of the new-relationship thrill? That I don’t deserve someone who thinks I’m fantastic?

So, I rationalized: He has too much going on. He still hasn’t healed from his last relationship. He wasn’t into me as much as I was into him. I was trying too hard. We weren’t connecting, emotionally. Maybe if I tried just a little bit harder…

I changed who I was for him and he was still pulling away. And from that "friend" place, I just couldn't see the path to "love" let alone to a future. It just wasn’t going to work.

So I ended it.

And here I am, two days later, and I don’t regret it.

I’m proud of myself that I’m the one who made the call. I had to be the one to start the conversation…to say the words: “This just isn’t working”. I could have let this drift for days, weeks…maybe even months, but it would have happened eventually. Why not bite the bullet now and get it over with so that we can stop wasting time and both move on?

He didn’t disagree. I think that he was actually relieved.

We left it that once he gets his shit together, IF he still wants to date me and IF I’m still available, he can call and ask me out properly. He can chase me. We can start over from scratch…slowly this time. We can try to do this again, the right way.

But honestly, I'm not holding my breath. I just don’t see that happening.

He still wants to be my friend.

But I don’t see that happening either.

Knowing where he's at mentally, a friendship between the two of us would be the equivalent of an emotional booty call. (Why buy the cow...?)

So… I’m sad. Very sad. But if I look at the big picture, it’s just been a month and a half of my life. (I technically, could still fit in a Mr. October and still not miss a single month of this damn challenge.) Besides...I’m a divorcee. I’ve been through much harder break-ups than this.

I still think the guy is fabulous and I hate to lose him from my life. As great as he is (or maybe I should say 'was')…maybe there’s someone even better out there for me. But, in my current state of mind, I’m not feeling a ton of hope.

So. There. This post has been written. My “to do” for the day is done. I’m going to curl back up into myself and hopefully find sleep again.

Maybe when I wake up I’ll feel a little more hope…a little less sad…a little more me.

S: Mr. October's Second Chance

Have you ever been on a date and been telling your date about a job you interviewed for that you really hoped you would get and then, at that very moment, actually gotten the call about said job only to hear that you did not get it...while on your date?

Well now I can say I have.

Yes, Mr. October got to witness poor Sheila not getting a job she really needed to get. And he got to witness her putting on her smile mask and doing her best to enjoy the afternoon and not be completely freaked out about every aspect of her life.

Hopefully he was impressed by the show.

This was our date number two. My automatic second chance afforded to any guy who isn’t a jerk who seems like he may deserve a chance after date number one. There is always hope for date number two, but never much expectation.

The first thing I noticed was that he seemed more attractive this time. I don’t know why, but he did. His hair was different. And he seemed more relaxed. This time I was pleasantly surprised to find myself thinking, “Hmmmm…not too shabby.”

We had lunch at a place I suggested where he had never eaten. This time, it was my turn to provide him with his first experience somewhere. And then I had to be difficult and order something that wasn’t on the lunch menu. I tried to be really charming about it so he wouldn’t think I was all Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally.”

Lunch wasn’t bad. Well…except for the part when I found out I didn’t get the job I needed to get and got all distracted and worried about paying bills. Other than that, we did o.k. at conversation. It was still a little bit of work, but again, it seemed like he was more relaxed and talked more. I didn’t feel like I was so much in the spotlight.

And he was so sympathetic about the job.

After lunch we went to see an exhibit at a museum that we were both interested in. This is actually a pretty good early date activity. There is ample opportunity to talk to each other, but other stuff to focus on to keep the silence from feeling awkward. And an exhibit provides good topics of conversation and an opportunity to learn things about each other that may not necessarily come out in chats over meals.

The exhibit was very interesting and the date went better than I expected it would. It felt more comfortable. It also went on way longer than I thought it would. In fact, we were there for hours. Poor Mr. October had to run out and feed our meters twice. He refused to allow me to go take care of my own.

By the time we got done at the exhibit, it was dinner time. He asked if I was hungry and wanted to grab another bite with him. I was preoccupied about the job thing and had a million things to do at home, so I hesitated, but then I figured why not. If he wants to buy me dinner, we might as well see how this goes. Why not have one of those dates that just goes on for hours? Even if I'm aware that it's going on for hours and not surprised by that fact later.

We got to his car first as we were walking and discussing further plans. We decided on a dinner place and he handed me something he had for me in his car. This time he had brought me two red roses.

Awww. Sweet.

I accepted them gladly. I have to admit, he was making what could have been a rather sucky afternoon much better.

We met back up at our chosen dinner spot and sat down for another meal. Again, the conversation was o.k., but we still found it somewhat difficult to come up with things to talk about. It didn’t seem interminable or anything. Just, you know, not comfortable like old friends.

We got done eating and he wanted to do more. I just couldn’t. I really needed to get home and set my mind at ease about my life. I was just too preoccupied. I apologized for that and he was very understanding. We stood in the parking lot and made that sort of goodbye conversation you make when someone isn’t quite ready to go but there’s nothing left to do.

He was obviously trying to assess the situation and whether or not he should kiss me. If my non-verbal communication was any clue, the answer was that he should not. I am so not ready for that and I thought I did a good job of keeping my hands very clearly to myself the whole time so he wouldn’t get any ideas.

He hugged me twice and then gave me a kiss on the cheek. I’m glad I didn’t have to refuse anything more. That always sucks.

Later that evening, as I was at home not having the best time, he texted that he had been trying to figure out if he should kiss me and hoped that he hadn’t made me uncomfortable. I replied that he hadn’t made me uncomfortable but that it was good he didn’t do anything more.

I told him that it was difficult to explain in a text but it is very early and I don’t know where I am with all of this and things are rather complicated for me right now.

He sent one word: Understood.

Then nothing more from him.

Later, feeling bad about my distraction in the afternoon and the fact that it really had helped being with him, I told him he had made what could have been a very bad afternoon rather good.

I got another single word reply: Ditto.

It was unusual for him not to send more. Oh well. There goes Mr. October.

The next morning I felt bad so I texted and asked if I had scared him away. He said that of course I hadn’t. We exchanged a few more messages about nothing in particular and then he sent a message saying that whoever I’m hung up on needs to get smart and realize what a gem I am.

He totally called it. Out of nowhere. I’m not sure how he came to that conclusion, but he certainly hit the nail on the head. And I was relieved. He gets it. And he understands.

We’re still communicating, although I still don’t know where my head is. He has assured me he’s not looking for someone to be a mom for his kids, just someone to hang out with. And yet, the way he talks to me, I feel like just hanging out with him will lead him on.

But it’s so good to have a distraction. And somebody who might be able to help me fix my snowblower.

He hasn’t asked to see me again. And that’s probably good. I haven’t had to make any refusal. But, I suppose the next time we get together, if there is a next time, it should be to chat about me not wanting to get involved with anyone. And then he has to decide if that means he wants to fade back into the ether.

He’s a good guy. He shouldn’t waste his time on me while I try to get my life to settle down.

Despite the roses and compliments, I don’t see this going anywhere. I can’t imagine having strong feelings for him. I can’t see us down the road.

So when and how do I get out of the car?

S: Mr. October...IDK

There were messages. There were texts. There were arrangements.

There was lunch.

Oh, Mr. October, please don’t be so into me. I’m not ready for that. I can’t deal with that. I don’t deserve that.

I’m not available for that.

First off, the verdict is in. Mr. October is not a player. I had wondered from the shear quantity and kindness of his compliments if he was just feeding me lines. Sounding cute and flattering me so I would feel good and get easy.

It’s obvious, judging by how sweet and nervous and genuine he was at lunch, that he is not playing.

He’s serious.

Too serious.

A player would have been easier to handle. A player would be prepared for rejection.

I showed up at the restaurant right on time. I actually had to drive around a bit so I didn’t show up early because I was rather concerned about being late. There was a car in the lot that matched his description of his vehicle, so I assumed it was him. The windows were tinted so I couldn’t tell if he was in the car or in the restaurant.

I got out of my car and walked toward his. He got out. He was cute, but not quite what I was expecting from his pics. This seems to be a trend with me. I must have some sort of weird picture handicap.

He, being amazingly kind, told me I was even more beautiful in person. This was very flattering. But made me feel bad because I was thinking not the same of him. Not that he wasn’t a good looking fellow, but not better than I was expecting.

Also, he brought me a single red rose. Which was so sweet. But felt like too much. It made it feel like this date was a really big deal to him. That he was so appreciative that I would have lunch with him that he had to bring me something as an offering.

I love getting flowers. I really do. But this didn’t feel as good as it should have. I don’t want to be that special to him.

We both went for the hug. I wasn’t sure how the first interaction was going to go down, but a hug seemed appropriate after our digital exchanges. It felt like we knew each other already. The hug wasn’t weird or awkward, but didn’t set off any sparks or Brady Bunch rockets.

We went into a very empty restaurant and sat down for our first date.

The one thing about this date that stands out the most in my mind was that Mr. October was very quiet. It felt like he just sat there and stared at me for most of lunch. Maybe this should be flattering. As though he were so enamored by me that he couldn’t do anything *but* stare. But really it just felt like a lot of pressure. Like I was in the spotlight having to put on a show.

I’m buying you lunch, entertain me.

Usually I’m not the kind of person who feels the need to fill every silence, but on a first date, silences are awkward. Especially when there is not another soul in the restaurant. There’s just too much room for your mind to wander and for you to make yourself anxious about how badly it’s going. Even if it really isn’t going badly.

Plus, I like the conversation to flow. I like to have one of those talks where everything leads to the next topic or you just keep finding out you have random things in common which sparks further conversation. We had a little of that, but it still felt like work. There was a lot of “O.k…what do we talk about next?”

And, it was lunch. I get hungry. Sometimes I want to stop talking and actually eat. I would ask him questions hoping to get him talking so I could mow down on my plate full of food, but then he would answer briefly and we’d chew in silence. Then it was back to me. Afterward I felt really bad for monopolizing the conversation. I really do prefer to focus on the other person and not be Talky Talkerson. Maybe he’s the same way and he just won this time.

In general, he came off as a very gentle, sweet, polite guy. He was a complete gentleman to me. When I got my salad but told him I refused to eat because he didn’t yet have any food, he proceeded to snack on a breadstick so I would feel comfortable eating. Even though he had a giant sandwich coming that he had already said he wouldn’t be able to finish because it was so huge.

And he was nice to the server, which I like. But, almost too nice, like a pushover. I can’t tell if this is because the day before I made a comment in a text that I would only be disappointed if he turned out to be a jerk and one of the signs of a jerk in the midst is someone who is not nice to the server. So I’m not sure if he was trying to be careful in that regard. I’m all for being polite and saying thank you and listening and not blowing the server off, but I also don’t think you have to be apologetic about being served. And if she forgets to bring something you asked for, by all means, ask her to bring it. Just be nice about it.

I had to text him later and tell him I won’t think he’s a jerk if he asks the server to bring cream and sugar for his coffee if she forgets. He was impressed that I even noticed and then said he didn’t mind not having it because my company was sweet enough.

See what I mean? So nice. But it feels too nice. What am I supposed to do with that? This constant flow of compliments makes me feel like he’s just way too into me. That he’s trying very hard to woo me because he’s so serious about this going somewhere.

I’m not ready for that.

Other signs he may be way too into me and serious about this:

• He did indeed pull his profile off of the dating site. As in, no more wanting to meet anyone. No more looking for a date. Found. Eeek. Please still want to date other people, Mr. October.
• He actually mentioned in conversation that he felt like his kids needed a feminine influence in their lives. Eeek. Don’t tell me you’re looking for someone for the kids. I can’t be that for you.
• When he asked what made me move here and I went through the whole I-moved-here-for-a-guy-but-now-that’s-over story (which I hate having to tell on a first date), he said that he was very glad that I was here. Which he had also said during a previous text conversation when he asked if I was from here. Eeek. Please don’t be that happy that I’m here. I mean, who cares? Not ever meeting me would have been o.k. too.
• And the staring. Oh, the staring. It seriously felt like he couldn’t believe we were there having lunch together. Eeek. Believe it. It’s just lunch. It’s just me.

I feel bad because all of these things are very sweet and I should probably be more receptive to them. In fact, if they were coming from a certain someone else, I probably would be. But coming from someone I barely know, who I’m not sure I have much interest in, at a time when I don’t want to get myself involved in something big, these things are very scary and make me nervous.

Saying farewell to Mr. October is going to be tough. It seems like he doesn’t do this very often and he could be easily damaged. At some point he told me this was the first time he had ever gone on a date with someone he had never met before. He’s not out there doing this thing. I don’t think he’s got that thick skin you get when you’re dating that makes the rejection part not such a big deal. When you’re dating people, you don’t allow yourself to get this into someone this early in the process. You hold back for a bit while you see how things are going to go.

I really wish he’d hold back. Because I don’t feel a strong connection with him. He just now called me on the phone and it felt like we didn’t have much to say to each other. But, he’s a good guy and he deserves a second date. Things are awkward when you first meet someone. Sometimes it takes a while to get on common ground.

So, at the end of our lunch, when we discussed a second date for what is now this week, I was amenable. Maybe he’ll be more comfortable now that we’ve met. Maybe doing something other than sitting and staring at each other over a table and some breadsticks will make things less awkward. Maybe I’ll feel a connection.

Maybe.

My Spidey Sense tells me that I need to be prepared for an invitation to a third date and have a response ready. Although, before I see how things go on our second date, I have no idea what that response will be. But I’m guessing that at some point we’ll have to chat over coffee about how I’m not in the right place for the kind of relationship he has in mind.

And then I’ll wait to see what November brings.