J: One Week Left

Less than a week until the end of July and I still haven’t had my date.

I’ve had offers. Many of them at this point, thanks to OKCupid. So what’s the big deal?

The problem is that the offers I’ve gotten are from scary, scary guys.

I can agree to go out with the guy who calls himself “Scorpion102” who is a smoker & hates kids but owns “many” cats (which I’m allergic to…sorry Sheila!) Scorpie is an atheist with an annual income of $10,000-$20,000 who “prefers not to say” what he’s doing to make that kind of money. Apparently, Scorpion102 wants to take me out “TONIGHT”.

That would allow me to check the box for July, yes?

Or there’s another guy who read in my profile that I like dancing. He has messaged me multiple times (despite my lack of response) with more and more urgent messages. He'd love to get to know me. He wants to meet me in person. He can’t wait to hear back from me. He really wants to see my smile. Why haven’t I written back? Please write back. I really must write back soon, because he really wants to take me dancing...there's a great little bar in a little town nearby where we can dance.

I keep thinking…first…STALKER…second…don’t freak me out by flooding me with messages and still expect me to trust you enough to get in your car and drive out of the city, into the country with you when we haven’t even exchanged real names. Seriously!

Finally, there's the guy who wrote to tell me that I should get to know him because he’s so funny I would laugh my ass off. Not that I probably have much ass to laugh off. My ass is probably really nice actually. But I should get to know him. Ummm…yes. That was almost an exact quote. And yes, he chose to use a marginally inappropriate word 3 times in a message to a stranger that he hoped to impress. (For the record, I’m really not all that offended by the word “ass” but he has no way to know that from what I put on my profile!)

This is just a sampling of the “opportunities” that are available to me. The thing is…there’s just not much promise in any of these possible dates. It might, in fact, actually be unsafe for me to go out with these guys considering how little I know about them and how hard they’re pushing.

I need to make a decision.

What is this experiment really about for me? It feels like I’m undergoing a very subtle shift in regards to this whole challenge and I’m not sure it’s a good one. Has this whole thing turned into nothing more than meeting a quota? Shouldn’t there still be something...more behind it?

I can go out with any one of these guys. It would fulfill my obligation for the month. But honestly, I think I’d rather pay the $10 for missing a month (The Stakes #2) After all, I’m the only one in the running to end up with the money anyways! ;)

But it’s the point of the whole thing. I hate to fail. I would HATE to have an almost perfect track record…except for one month smack-dab in the middle of the year.

I went into this thinking that I’d keep my mind completely open and go out with anyone who asked. Maybe I could meet a real gem that I wouldn’t have given the time of day in the past. But shouldn’t there be some boundaries in place? Should I really force myself to spend time with someone when I KNOW we are completely incompatible?

Looking at this from another perspective, wouldn’t I be doing nothing more than using the guy if I went out with him just to fill my quota, knowing that I wasn’t interested from the start? Isn’t that hugely disrespectful? Scorpion102 is a real person. He's a guy who’s being brave by putting himself out there, looking for love. He's right for someone out there...just not me. And is it right to lead him to believe that there might be something there when I know from the start that there’s no chance of a second date?

Isn’t the point of this to find my happily-ever-after? I have to remember that’s my purpose. This game is fun. This game is challenging. But ultimately, the purpose of the game is to find someone who allows me to leave the game…for good.

I’m sure not going to find that someone if my focus is on just getting boxes checked.

S: Repeat Offender Update

We still have not communicated since he told me he wasn't up for a serious conversation last night.

I have nothing to say to him at this point. Really, I can't think of a single word to say to him. I keep thinking maybe I should send him something. Respond to some of the stuff he texted before we ended transmissions. But I've told him multiple times that I want to talk about this in person, so why start talking about it via text now. We'll just have to rehash it all later anyway.

I did stop by his place to drop off a bin of his that had recyclables in it along with a sticky note thanking him for letting me cash them in so I had money to spend on the little girl I mentor, but otherwise, we're living in separate worlds.

Tonight is bike ride night. I don't know that I'm welcome. I'd love to get in a ride. I could use the calorie burn to reduce this anxiety. But I don't like drama any more than he does. (Coincidentally, right now I feel like he's making a bigger deal out of this than I would. Go figure.) Showing up for the ride might just create an air of awkward that I'd rather not torture everyone with.

Either way, and maybe I'm being thick here, I still want to work through this. There is so much good about this relationship that I'd like to see it work out. But not on my own. If he's not willing to take some of it on himself, how can we really move forward? If it's not about both of us being better at being together, how is it really fair? I'm reacting to him the way I do for a reason and I don't think the cause lies solely with me. But the messages I've gotten from him (which are all I have to go on at this point) make it seem like he believes that it does.

The good news is that cute mailman was out and about today and he was NOT wearing a ring. Perhaps Mr. August will come via Priority Mail. Better send myself something I have to sign for.

To be continued...

J: OKCupid Update

Success! Well....maybe...

Since i first signed up on OKCupid I've been contacted by no less than 7 guys and have started up conversations with at least 4 of them.

So, there's quantity. It's the quality i'm concerned about.

Of the ones that I'm talking to only one of them really sparks an interest. We've had lovely witty banter...the only thing is...he's from a different state...miles and miles away. Which takes him out of the running to be Mr. July.

Speaking of the man of the month...I'm down to 10 days. TEN! Eek! With (still) no real prospects in site, (still) no date lined up, (still) no men knocking on my door.

Every time, thoughout the day, that I relize that we're almost in August, I freak out a little bit more. Not only because I haven't found Mr. July, but also because I have a HUGE project at work thats launching on the 2nd of August. July 31st is approaching waaaaaay too quickly both in my personal and professional lives.

I am one big stress ball.

Is this making me less picky online? Perhaps. But maybe less picky is okay...it allows someone that I might not have given a second glance a chance to make an impression...right?

We'll see what happens...but as a warning...this month isn't looking pretty...

S: Repeat Offender Update

I'm gonna say go ahead and get ready to slide this one over into the "Fail" column.

He said he's working tonight and not up for a serious conversation.

I have not responded. I'm not even sure how.

But I just put my car in the garage.

We'll let that be the metaphor for now. If I were a betting gal, I'd say the car is about to be put in the garage on this one.

Look out boys. I need a date for August. And I have no intention of letting any one of you in. I'm earning my spinster card back. Dammit.

S: Repeat Offender Update

As I was posting that ridiculously long blog entry, I heard 3 texts chime in. I was actually afraid to check them.

They were from Guy. He didn't say whether or not I could come over but he did say that he's frustrated about how little faith I have in him. Which is clear because I assumed the worst. And then he said that I obviously don't trust him.

I responded that I don't think it's a trust thing and that I would rather talk about it in person.

We'll see what his interest is in talking in person.

Maybe it shouldn't be this hard.

This relationship has the biggest hills of any of my (very few) previous, serious relationships. The highs are really high and the lows are really low. And the flats seem to be getting shorter and shorter. And yet, he's the oldest person I've ever dated and I'm, of course, older than I've ever been. We're adults. We should have this figured out.

Oy.

Time to prepare my apology face.

I'll try to update tomorrow.

S: Repeat Offender

I’ve done it again. Twice. Two colossal screw ups. In less than a week.

How am I so bad at being in a relationship? I’m a fairly normal person. I was raised in society with everyone else…by human parents.

So what’s my damage? Why do I keep doing this?

Incident the first took place in the middle of last week. As I may have mentioned before, we go on a weekly bike ride with several friends. This is a social ride. We go a certain distance and then stop for beer and chatting and general good times.

The group is pretty fluid, so Guy sends out an email every week to let people know where and when we’ll start the ride. He did this very thing last week. I happened to be on a job and accessing my email on my phone when I received the message.

Now, Guy has made mention before of people not responding to the email, including me, so I thought I would be a good girlfriend and send the response that I would not be able to go on the ride. But…and here’s what makes me think perhaps I’m not entirely equipped for society…because I can’t just say things in a normal way, everything has to be a joke, my expression of unavailability included a reference to a very common joke in our area about a nearby town (where the ride was set to stop) that has a name that can sound…ummm…crude.

Reading the email on my phone, I could only see part of the list of people addressed in the message, so I thought it was just a handful of regulars. Amongst whom the joke has been shared many times. So I sent my cute little jokey joke to everyone. I thought they would all get a kick out of it. It was only later that I saw that the list included a few other people who only sometimes ride with us and who I do not know very well. I felt awkward that I had sent the message to people I didn’t realize I was sending it to, but it wasn’t over-the-top offensive, and I didn’t make it up, so I didn’t think much of it.

Later that evening, I got an angry text message from Guy (who was on the ride) that I had sent the message to a VP at the large corporation where he works and how not good that was. I knew it was angry because it contained several exclamation points.

Having been accused recently of always assuming the worst, I tried to blow off his first message and not believe it was as angry as I had read it. I responded that I hoped I wouldn’t get fired. That did not seem to go over well. He replied that he would do damage control the next day.

I didn’t understand how it could be that huge of a deal. First, I don’t work at this company, my email practices are not dictated by them. Second, I don’t work at this company, so I don’t know a VP from an admin just by names in a reply line. Third, this is a social ride. I’ve shared a beer with this person. How am I to know she can’t be spoken to in a casual manner? And why would she be on the email list for this kind of group if she can’t understand a joke. A joke that everyone makes here. Fourth, my guess is this person didn’t even read my message. I doubt she recognizes my name and if she’s a VP, she’s too busy to read emails from people she doesn’t know about bike rides she’s not going on.

At this point, I’m sort of fed up. I’ve been getting this from many places in my life. Men get frustrated about things that aren’t huge issues and spout off in my direction. My business partner, people I write a blog with, my boyfriend. I’m done listening to it and letting it get to me, because I’m usually still agitated long after they’ve cooled off.

So I quit responding.

I stayed home that night, even though I had planned to surprise him by being at his place when he arrived home late. I didn’t text the next day until late in the afternoon when I told him I hoped he hadn’t had too much trouble with the perceived issue. He replied that he was advised not to mention it at all. And I left it at that.

Still, I didn’t want to get a talking to. I just couldn’t face the thought of another one of those “let’s tell Sheila what she did wrong over and over while she apologizes profusely” conversations. So I stayed home again. Without even a mention of my plan. Just kept quiet and laid low.

I don’t think he noticed because he never said a word.

The next day, Guy was having a few of his neighbors over for dinner and drinks. Earlier in the week, I had expressed interest in joining in on this and he had said I could come if I wanted to. But now we haven’t spoken in 2 days. Do I go? Is he still angry? Will I cause drama? (Which he has told me he does not want, so I try to be careful.)

I spent the entire day wondering what I should do. Would it be worse to go or to not go?
I went. I thought there would be more drama if I didn’t show.

I chose wisely. No drama. Things felt a little awkward at first, which could have just been me because I’m still not sure he had any idea I was avoiding him, but really we had a rather nice night. And by the next morning, things were very much back to normal.

No talking to. No argument. No mention of anything. Just normal good times.

Which lasted until about midnight last night when I committed the second infraction not 5 days later.

Yes. They are getting more frequent. I’m a veritable study in what not to do.

Last night I had dinner with my former fiancé who was in town for his sister’s wedding and some other local festivities. Due to a slight miscommunication, I wasn’t planning on spending as much time with him as I did.

When he was finally off, I texted Guy to let him know I was just starting my workout. Later, I let him know I was done, so he would have a rough idea of when I was coming over. I didn’t explicitly say I was coming over, but I always go to his place, so I figured this was assumed.

After I showered and cleaned up, I asked how long he was going to be up working so I would know whether or not I should bring work with me to do as well. Again, I didn’t actually say I was coming over, but I figured the inquiry about his plans was the indication of my intention.

Shortly after that he responded that he was heading to bed. Literally, the message was “heading to bed.” I was just a few minutes from leaving my house and was disappointed that I was going to miss him. There were many things from my day I had wanted to share with him. In fact, I had spent the better part of the day thinking about him and wanting to see him. But, I had spent quite a bit of time with my ex and it was late, so the fact that he wanted to hit the hay wasn’t objectionable. Just disappointing.

I responded that I would be there shortly. But this was several minutes after his text, and he has a tendency not to take his phone with him when he goes to bed, so I wasn’t sure if he got it or not.

At this point, in the hopes that I would still catch him awake, I hopped in the car and made the trek to his place. On the way I decided that I would wake him up in a way I knew he would like. He’s always happy when I take the initiative in our physical relationship. So I spent the entire car ride thinking sexy thoughts and looking forward to being with him.

And when I got there?

The door was locked.

I was shocked. Had I missed something? Did he not want me to come over? Did I upset him and then miss the part when he indicated that I should stay home?

This door is always unlocked. If he locks it, he does so right before he goes to bed when he’s turning out all the lights. By this time we had been in touch and he should know I was planning to be there at some point.

I sent a text knowing full well he didn’t have his phone in his bedroom. If he had had it with him, he would have seen my text about being there shortly and he would not have locked the door. I thought about calling, but it had been long enough that I doubted the phone would wake him up. Besides, I didn’t know why he locked the door. My immediate impression was that he had not intended for me to come over. And this hurt me.

In a state of utter confusion and dismay, I got back in my car and headed home. He hadn’t wanted me to come over, so what else could I do?

I sent a text asking him to please tell me next time when he’s going to lock me out so I don’t waste the fuel to get over there.

I should not have done that. I was upset and reacting and that was uncalled for.

At home, I worked for a little more than an hour and then finally climbed in bed to try to shake it off. I was still really confused about what message I had just been sent with the locked door. Was it a passive-aggressive way of telling me I waited too long to come over? (He has been frustrated by this before.)

A couple of hours later, in the middle of the night, he sent a text asking if I had called his phone. Which, of course, he would know by looking at his phone that I had not. It woke me up so I responded that I didn’t think he would hear it and I didn’t know why he had locked the door. He replied that I should have called because it was an honest mistake that could have been remedied with a simple phone call.

He wasn’t sorry. Or, if he was, he did not express it.

He said I should call next time before I lecture him. I said I would do that. And then I told him I was hurt at the time. And that was it.

Really, he’s right. I should have just called. I don’t know what my problem is.

In the morning, I sent a jokey text about something completely unrelated. 1. Because I thought it might make him smile and 2. Because I wanted to show him that I wasn’t making a big deal out of it.

Much later he texted that he couldn’t believe that I thought he locked the door on me. Exclamation point. And that it was an old habit of his to lock the door and to forgive him for falling into a good habit.

Not the text of a happy boyfriend.

I responded that it was hard to have this discussion over text, but I thought I had done something wrong without realizing it and that he hadn’t meant for me to come over. I told him I overreacted because I had been taken off guard and was hurt and that I wished he could imagine what it felt like when I arrived there looking forward to seeing him and finding a locked door. And then I apologized for overreacting.

He replied that he was sure I was “baffled” but that of course I assumed the worst.

I responded that a lot of times I’ve done something wrong without realizing it and I thought this was one of those times. I figured I had messed up and missed the part of the communication that meant he didn’t intend for me to come over.

And then I said that I guess somehow I’ve gotten paranoid.

End transmissions.

He’s right, though. I had assumed the worst. I realized my mistake as soon as he asked if I had called him.

The issue is why. How have I gotten to this point of automatically assuming, when something is out of the ordinary, that it’s because I’ve done something wrong that I don’t know I did and he’s upset with me for it? When did I stop being the sunshiny person I used to be? When did I lose sight of how funny everything is?

Maybe I’m trying to sabotage this for some reason. I don’t know why I would. I really value him in my life and think the world of him. I don’t want things to end with him, so why would I keep doing these things that upset him?

Perhaps it’s a learned response because I regularly find myself on the defense for things I don’t even know I’ve done. Things that are brought to my attention after the fact when I really can’t do anything about them. Especially at times when I think I’m being a good girlfriend or doing what should make him happy only to later find out that I’ve been screwing it up all along and I have some ‘splaining to do.

Is it because I don’t feel secure in the relationship? Because in the back of my mind I don’t think he loves me and feel like he’s always just a little bit frustrated with me? I do think I would have reacted differently if my only experience was him waiting eagerly for me to arrive. But in reality, too many times I have shown up, excited to see him, only to find someone who is very unexpectedly none-too-pleased with me .

I don’t know. I really do want to figure out why my first conclusion is often the worst. Because I still believe this man and this relationship are worth the work. He has so many great qualities and there are so many things about him that are just what I want, I can’t just give up and say it’s too hard and it’s not worth it.

Of course, I am once again feeling like this might be the last straw for him. As anxious as I am right now, I’ll go over tonight and face the music. I want to work through this and get to the bottom of my reaction and I sincerely hope that he wants to help me do that. But I know the possibility of me coming home a single woman and back in the game also exists. I can handle that. I just don’t want to.

Note: As of the time of this post, I am waiting for a response to the question of whether or not it is o.k. for me to come over. Not sure what I’ll get. At least the cats will be happy if I stay home.

J: Frist contakt

Within the first hour of posting my profile online, someone contacted me!

The subject of the message was "smothing defrant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and the message was something like "hey, how r u right me back let's see what might be happen”.

I had heard that this site was for smarter people and so I thought...hmmm...maybe this guy is trying to be clever. Or maybe I just wasn't smart enough to 'get it' myself and there's a joke that I don't understand. So I went into his profile and discovered that about every other word had been either misspelled or used incorrectly.

Unintentionally.

While I was flattered that he responded so quickly and even though I'm running out of month, I just can’t, can’t, can’t respond and encourage him.

I really believe that when you’re only contact is via what you write it’s so very important to put your best foot forward! SPELLCHECK! Or for goodness sake…have a friend read it over it least once!

Sorry dude.

Hopefully it only gets better from here!

J: It's not Match buuuuuut....

As of today, I'm officially signed up on OkCupid. I went with them instead of Match because they're supposed to have a more intelligent clientele. Oh yeah, and because they're FREE. Yes, free.

I've posted my self-summary, I've answered 26 of their 5 million questions and even have added several pictures.

My profile isn't perfect but at least it's out there! I've hesitated to post anything because it felt like I had just one shot to get it exactly right but I figure this is a start. I can always make changes as needed in the future.

Come on Mr. July...show up soon please! I'm running out of month and as of today, I have exactly zero prospects!