J: Broken

I really don’t want to write this.

I’m not completely sure, actually, how to do it.

Maybe, I just come out and say it…

I broke up with Mr. September on Thursday night.

Yes, the wonderful, fantastic, perfect, cute, charming, splendid Mr. September. I broke up with him.

Really, it came down to the fact that he just doesn’t like me enough. He tried. He made a valiant effort. In his head he thinks I’m perfect. In his heart, he’s cold. I deserve better.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve just felt like something was wrong, and I couldn’t seem to do anything right to fix it.

Since we decided to back off…to slow down, I’ve been adrift. What does it really mean to slow down? How do you stop a train that’s already sped away? Over the past two weeks, I’ve subconsciously been putting him in a ‘friend’ box to try to protect my heart. But is that the relationship I want? It hasn’t even been TWO MONTHS! Where are the sparks, the electricity, the goofy grins, the unicorns & glitter?

It was absolutely there at the beginning. And it’s not like I expect that excitement to be there forever.

But isn’t this supposed to be the fun part? Isn’t everything supposed to be easy at this early stage? Do I just accept that I don’t get the excitement anymore? That I’m not worthy of the new-relationship thrill? That I don’t deserve someone who thinks I’m fantastic?

So, I rationalized: He has too much going on. He still hasn’t healed from his last relationship. He wasn’t into me as much as I was into him. I was trying too hard. We weren’t connecting, emotionally. Maybe if I tried just a little bit harder…

I changed who I was for him and he was still pulling away. And from that "friend" place, I just couldn't see the path to "love" let alone to a future. It just wasn’t going to work.

So I ended it.

And here I am, two days later, and I don’t regret it.

I’m proud of myself that I’m the one who made the call. I had to be the one to start the conversation…to say the words: “This just isn’t working”. I could have let this drift for days, weeks…maybe even months, but it would have happened eventually. Why not bite the bullet now and get it over with so that we can stop wasting time and both move on?

He didn’t disagree. I think that he was actually relieved.

We left it that once he gets his shit together, IF he still wants to date me and IF I’m still available, he can call and ask me out properly. He can chase me. We can start over from scratch…slowly this time. We can try to do this again, the right way.

But honestly, I'm not holding my breath. I just don’t see that happening.

He still wants to be my friend.

But I don’t see that happening either.

Knowing where he's at mentally, a friendship between the two of us would be the equivalent of an emotional booty call. (Why buy the cow...?)

So… I’m sad. Very sad. But if I look at the big picture, it’s just been a month and a half of my life. (I technically, could still fit in a Mr. October and still not miss a single month of this damn challenge.) Besides...I’m a divorcee. I’ve been through much harder break-ups than this.

I still think the guy is fabulous and I hate to lose him from my life. As great as he is (or maybe I should say 'was')…maybe there’s someone even better out there for me. But, in my current state of mind, I’m not feeling a ton of hope.

So. There. This post has been written. My “to do” for the day is done. I’m going to curl back up into myself and hopefully find sleep again.

Maybe when I wake up I’ll feel a little more hope…a little less sad…a little more me.