S: Feeding the Piggy

The piggy bank is going to get fatter. I have decided that I will not chase down a date for August. I just don’t have it in me. I can’t find a target because nobody is Guy. And I can’t stand the thought of getting on a dating site knowing that I don’t care to go out with anyone and even try to carry on a conversation.

It was one thing when a date randomly fell in my lap . It’s easy to just say “yes” and then after the date tell him you’re not interested in starting anything up (unless he never actually contacts you to finalize the date and you don't go on it at all). But it’s an entirely different mindset to try to put the effort into making a date. To plan a strategy to chase down someone you’ve had your eye on.

Part of this is because of the fact that the person I have my eye on is Guy. And part of it is that chasing down a date implies an interest that just isn’t there. If I make the effort to ask a guy out, or get him to ask me out, it will seem like I want something to happen.

The truth is that I don’t. I’ve been defeated.

I thought I could jump back into things as a distraction if nothing else, but I can’t even seem to do that.

Hopefully I’ll feel differently in September.

S: Time Is Not On My Side

I thought that the passage of time would help.

O.k., admittedly it's only been 2 weeks since we broke up and 4 days since or rather unpleasant conversation on Sunday (the likely signal that all is lost) and I'm not a very patient person.

But still...

My theory was that I would feel less and less, miss him less and less and hope less and less as the days passed. But what seems to be happening is that my frustration and willpower are dissipating with the passage of time, but my feelings and missing and hoping are filling up the space that the frustration and willpower were occupying. Every day I feel more sad and anxious.

Maybe I'm just feeling like every day that passes without hearing from him is another day further from any of this ever working out.

I just wish that every day that passed would also make me care less about all of this. I'm not sure why that isn't what's happening. Why can't I just get over this and move on?

Which reminds of the new feeling that's been added to the mix: foolishness. One of my personal favorites. And the feeling that is likely to prevent me from allowing this to happen to me again.

S: URGH!

I miss the Guy who used to play this song for me...



And this is why spinsters should stay spinsters and leave the love stuff to their Date Club fembuds.

I hate the getting over part. I'm not that good at it. Hence the decade that passed since the last time I was in love.

P.S. I wouldn't mind if Beyonce's video boyfriend came over to help cheer me up though.

J: Mr. August

Is it my imagination or is this getting easier?

Mr. August turned out to be a friend’s child’s coach. My friend set us up with each other’s contact information with the warning that he had told her that he didn’t “have a lot to offer someone right now.” She reassured him that I was looking for nothing more than a casual, no pressure, meeting someone new, un-scary date.

So he called me over the weekend as promised. I could tell that he had only reluctantly made the call and that he was ready to get off the phone as quickly as possible. We didn’t make any date arrangements on the call other than when we were saying goodbye (after a long 5 minutes) he told me to give him a call anytime my friend and I went out for drinks again and he’d join us.

With my crazy schedule and the end of the month quickly approaching, I knew that I needed a date…and that I would probably need to be the one to pursue this one if it was going to happen.

So, I texted him on Tuesday morning, asking if he was available to meet for drinks at 9, that very same day. He responded that he could. We set up a time and location and…

Taaaa-da! Date set up!

Easy peasy!

No stress, no nerves, no worries, no obsessing!

This was so much easier than the last time I had to be the asker. Am I just getting used to this? Becoming a pro?

Who knows! Who cares! I didn’t question it, I just enjoyed that it didn’t freak me out.

The actual date was nice too. The conversation was easy and very casual. We got along just fine…not a happily-ever-after match but a nice use of an hour and a very tasty margarita. He’s right…he’s not at a good place to be dating but since he was willing to step outside of his comfort zone too, we were both able to spend a nice evening together getting to know someone new.

Hopefully things will keep being this simple.

Alright Mr. September…bring it on! I'm ready for ya!

J: Kissed

On Saturday, after 4 hours of dancing and then a nice big plate of pancakes, Mr. May kissed me.

Unfortunately, there were not any Brady Bunch fireworks.

Maybe it was due to the fact that he didn’t kiss me until after basically begging me to come back to his house to go to sleep with him. (Not to be confused with actually “sleeping with” him.) He promised we’d keep our clothes on. He promised I could trust him. He promised that all we’d do is sleep.

Yeah right.

There was no internal debate. It was just a “no”.

Nothing he said could have made it happen. Just…no.

It felt strange to me that he would consider even suggesting it. Yes, we’re friends in class. Yes, there’s something going on between us. Yes, we’ve gone out a few times now, one on one. But what makes the idea of me going back to his apartment to "sleep" appropriate? And especially considering the idea was brought up before our first kiss.

Odd.

So, after firmly rejecting his idea, we had our un-sparkly kiss(es) and I headed home.

But since then, the next two times that I saw him…nothing. No more kisses. Both times he waited for me and left when I left and walked me to my car. I got a hug once and a peck on the cheek the second time. That’s it! So…if there were no sparks, and I’m not all that interested in the long-term why would I be upset that there’s been nothing more?

Is it purely because it’s NOT happening that I want it to? There’s all these thoughts circling around in my head:

• Did he feel the lack of sparks? (It would only make sense that they weren’t there for him if they weren't there for me.)
  
• Does he just want to be friends now? (Wouldn’t that be a good thing?)
  
• Is he 'punishing' me for not going home with him? (If so…good riddance!!!)
  
• Did I have something stuck in my teeth when he first kissed me that grossed him out so much that he’ll never ever attempt it again? (Whoopsie, if that's the case!!)
  
• Am I putting out signals that say “don’t kiss me I’m just having fun with you”? (Again, would that be a bad thing?)
  
• Why is he still turning up everywhere I am, waiting to walk me to my car, asking me to do other stuff, etc, if he’s not interested? (He MUST still be at least a little interested...)
  
• And lastly: What’s wrong with meeee? ( I know...I know...There’s absolutely nothing, nothing, nothing wrong with me!)
  

Shouldn’t I just keep moving on? Am I more interested in him because he’s acting less interested in me? Unfortunately, that’s definitely proven to be my M.O. If that’s the case…the only that I can say is: Good move, Mr. May. Good move!

If nothing else, what I’ve learned from all the questions and emotions that were stirred up from just a KISS, is thank goodness I didn’t let him talk me into going home with him. Whew...you think I'm a mess NOW...

S: Furthermore

Every day since I met Guy seems like a hundred days.

Our 6 months together seems like years.

Our 10 day break-up seems like months.

Yesterday seems like a week ago.

What is that?

S: Damn Feelings

As my anger from yesterday's phone conversation with Guy subsides, I find myself missing him more and more. And wishing and hoping again.

This is not only sad, it's annoying. This missing/wishing/hoping stuff is not helpful in the whole getting over it process. It's not helping me think straight. It's not helping me feel like being strong and moving on. And it's definitely not helping me want to go out and find a date and get into another one of these messes again.

What's strange is that before Saturday, I had been in a rather good mood. In fact, I was all prepared to write a post about how inexplicably good I felt in spite of everything. I was singing in my car and while I vacuumed the house. I was going out and enjoying time with friends. I was well on my way to looking forward to finding new date prospects. I was feeling like my awesome self. All smiles and sunshine with only periodic cloudiness.

After the Sunday morning call, that is gone. It's just fog and stormy weather. I'm not sure what the difference between before Sunday and after Sunday is. Guy and I were broken up before Sunday. Why am I so down now?

Maybe I had hope before Sunday and now I don't. I keep hoping he'll want to talk, but I don't think there's as much chance of it as there was before our lovely little chat.

Maybe it's because I felt like Guy still loved me, no matter how much I tried to convince myself he didn't. I was feeling confident because I believed he still wanted to be with me and now that's gone because I really believe that he doesn't. And it's quite easy to convince myself his love for me is gone.

Maybe this time I'm the one feeling like we shouldn't be together and that makes it really over. And I'm finally mourning the loss.

Maybe it's because I feel like I screwed up (Even though I can't regret not answering his text. How did I know he had changed his thinking?) when he was finally ready to talk. There's just something so disappointing about coming *this* close.

Yes, I know all the practical and reasonable things I should be thinking and feeling right now. Those things are all in my head. But there is currently a communication breakdown between my head and my heart. My heart can't receive messages right now...it's broken. It's just going to feel what it wants to feel whether it makes sense or not. Who knows for how long?

Damn feelings.

S: La Resistance...Backfire?

I feel like my resistance to responding to Guy’s text last night backfired. Or maybe it didn’t. I don’t know how I feel any more.

I remained strong most of the night and did not send a response. But then, I got home a little after 2 in the morning, made a snack (as I always do, which is very bad but I can’t help) started to feel very bad and doubt myself. I wondered how he was going to feel when I didn’t respond to him at all.

I don’t know. It was late. I was tired. I’m a sucker when it comes to making other people not like me.

I caved.

It took me a while to think about it, so at this point it was 3 in the morning. I figured it was safe to send a message then because he would be asleep and I wouldn’t have to get into a conversation with him.

So I sent, “Out.” (This in response to his question about if I was out or home.)

Maybe not the best idea.

Well, clearly not the best idea. Based on what happened this morning.

At 6 a.m. I received a text saying that he had hoped to call and talk to me about his “horrible decision.”

And there it was, the message I have been waiting since last Friday to get. The “I want to talk message.”

I was excited, but I didn’t respond right away. It was 6 in the morning and I was not quite awake. And I still didn’t want to seem like I could just be pulled back at his whim. And then I fell asleep before I could come up with a proper response.

A couple of hours later, I got up to feed the cats and decided I better say something. I told him that I would be willing to spend some time talking tonight. He called a short time later.

He was pissed.

He was angry and hurt that I had ignored him the night before. He wanted to know why. I tried to explain about protecting myself after Thursday’s lovely conversation, but he wasn’t buying it. He said I was just trying to get even. Then he said I was trying to take control of the situation.

I asked him why I shouldn’t have some control? Why does he get to have all the control?

I explained that I didn’t feel like he needed to know where I was. He said he just wanted to know because he wanted to talk. I told him if he had told me that I would have at least responded.

He said he didn’t believe me. Which is something he repeated a number of times throughout the conversation.

He told me that he had been feeling like he made a mistake, even though he was still feeling his trust issues. But then my having a date 2 days after we broke up made him rethink the trust thing. (Basically he wants to know how he can believe I’m not just going to leave him for someone else a few years down the road.)

I told him it wasn’t fair to use my taking that date as a reason not to trust me. We are broken up. I wasn’t interested in the guy. I was just trying to get back into the blog challenge to distract myself and try to move on.

I do believe he then told me not to give him the blog story.

Anyway, it went on like this. A very unpleasant conversation. We talked about a lot of things. And it became clear that we have been misunderstanding each other’s feelings and messages. But we didn’t really resolve anthing.

I’m still not really even sure why he called. To tell me he doesn’t want to talk anymore? Why not just ignore my text then? Why respond at all? To rub it in? To make me feel bad? To tell me we ALMOST got back together but I messed it up?

I don’t know what he wanted from me.

By the end of the conversation he was telling me he wasn’t sure about things. Frankly, neither was I. But he had to be somewhere so he had to go. He said, sarcastically, that it had been a great conversation. I said that yes it went really well. Then he said, “It would have been better last night.”

This did not sit well with me. He just had to get in a last little jab. We had a little more fight and then finally hung up.

I keep starting to think that I lost my chance. But then I realize, no, he’s lost his. I don’t think I should have behaved differently. Most of the time. I will fully admit to having been riddled with self-doubt all day. But I just have to tell myself that it’s his loss, not mine.

I don’t know what he’s thinking now. I’m feeling like maybe I need some space anyway. And I’m not sure how I feel about him after that call. I haven’t sent any messages to him. I keep wanting to, but I don’t know what I would say, so I remain silent. He did the breaking up, he needs to come to me.

I feel bad that he’s hurt, but really, don’t I have to take care of me right now? Even if that means “being a bitch?” (His words.)

I’m sad that it seems like all is lost at this point. Sad for the loss of what we had early in the relationship. Not sad about the Guy I talked to today. Him I’m mad at. He’s mean. He hurts me. And then makes me feel bad about it.

I’m confused. I don’t understand how I can be so frustrated with him, but still hope that he wants to talk. I don’t get how I can not want to deal with this bahookey but still want to be with him. I don’t know how I can miss him when he does stuff like this to me.

I’m hurt and I’m angry. But I think I still love him. Which sucks.

I think I will hear from him again. Today he is staying silent to show me how it feels. Only, I haven’t sent him anything to ignore. He’s hurt and angry too so he probably has nothing to say to me either. But the fact is, he texted and called this morning. He’s not quite done. I bet there will be something.

This means it’s time for me to figure my own stuff out. What do I really want to happen? I suppose I should have a firm grasp on the answer to that question.

For now…I need some sleep.

This stuff really takes it out of a girl.