J: Magical Night

Oh.

My.

Gosh.

Wooooooow! :) :) :)

Just...wow.

[dreamy sigh...]

I do believe I like this Mr. September fellow.

Kisses with fireworks. Yum.
How could I forget how wonderful kissing can be?
And how could I ever settle for less?

And did I say: Wow?

[dreamy sigh...]

Oh...and by the way...I'm getting out my swimsuit afterall. (Eek!) I agreed to an afternoon on the lake with him....TOMORROW. So I gotta log off now...it's time for some emergency crunches.

But...wooooooow....

[dreamy sigh...]

:)

Mmmmmr. September

I found Mr. September on OKCupid. Okay…actually, he found me.

In short, we emailed back and forth and back and forth and our messages got longer and longer. So, when we discovered that we work at the same (very large) company, we decided that it was time to meet for lunch….and so that we could IM at work, we exchanged… (da da dummmmm) last names.

(Oooohhhh)

With the exchange of last names, we were now exposed to the ability of looking each other up on the corporate directory. And on the directory are… (da da dummmmm) badge pictures. (Which are typically about 1000 times worse than driver’s license pictures.) Seriously.

I promised not to check out his badge picture, and after getting his promise to do the same I’m proud to say that I haven’t even peeked! Haven’t checked out any of the other stuff I can see either…and in my role, that’s a lot! Haven’t even let my coworkers check it out on my behalf. Honorable, huh?

So our lunch date happened on Thursday.

I’d seen his online pictures on his profile but it turns out, while they were good, they didn’t do him justice. This guy is sooo cute! He’s taller than me, (even in my heels!) He has dark hair (a full head of it!!!) and bright blue eyes. This one’s the perfect level of hot.

But as I get to know him, I’m finding that he’s great, beyond the physical cuteness. He’s funny, he’s smart, he’s thoughtful, he’s clever and most important of all…he really seemed to ‘get’ me. I’d throw out a subtle joke and he’d pick it right up and run with it.

So refreshing! And FUN!

He’s also been married before but has been divorced now for 2 years. His was a similar situation to mine with the exception of the fact they had a child (who now lives with him 75% of the time. An issue? Hmm…I don’t know yet.) He has a great job, he’s a Christian, he has a dog, he loves traveling and is a bit of a foodie…and did I mention his sense of humor?

I probably don’t need to say it…but I will...lunch was FABULOUS! This was without doubt the most promising of all of my dates so far. I walked back in to work grinning like a fool.

And, not only was the first date rockin’, we lined up a second date already! We’re going dancing TONIGHT!

Apparently, he dances like Elaine (his words!) So he’s set my expectations extremely low. But he’s willing to learn and willing to give it a try. That’s all I can really ask for, right?

Plus, his passion is boating & wakeboarding. If a second date is going to involve something that one of us loves, I’d much rather be putting on boots than a swimsuit! ;)

Wish me luck, friends! I hope tonight is magical.

J: Huh??

So…Sunday, around 7pm, I got a text from Mr. May asking if I had to work on Monday. When I said that I didn’t because of the holiday he asked if I’d be willing to drive 3 hours to an undisclosed location…with my boots.

Huh?

Was he not in the same room that I was in on Friday night?

Wouldn’t arriving at wherever at 10pm imply an overnight adventure? Is he hoping for another chance? Maybe that he’ll be able to talk down my boundaries?

I just don’t get it. I guess I haven’t actually been rejected. But I don’t fully understand the invitation or appearance of the continued interested either.

I didn’t go. But since then, there’s been several more flirty texts. Huh? Sometimes, I just don’t understand guys.

But really...tonight, I don’t want to think about it. My skating date is (obviously) not happening. So I’m enjoying a nice glass of wine and the sound of the rain outside of my window and a night with no definite plans (and no dance classes) and the chance to catch up on a little bit of DVR’ed trashy reality TV.

I’m also actually waiting for the NEW potential Mr. September to give me a call. We’ve chatted on OKCupid a bunch. He works where I work. His emails make me laugh. We seem to really have a lot in common. And the latest message from him earlier today said that he’d give me a call tonight. Yay!

So now, I’m just hoping the call comes before too much of the wine has disappeared from my glass and while I’m still charming enough to snag myself a date.

S: The Talk...the Day After

The story of The Talk continues. And will likely continue until we arrive at Big Talk Day.

The next step for me in the Talk process was to schedule the actual day of the Big Talk. We had yet to establish when we would get together after our couple of weeks of time and space and chat about the status of us. We needed to set Big Talk Day.

After the way things were left on Monday morning, I wanted to give Guy some space. He was blindsided and frustrated and I wanted him to have a chance to come down a bit and really think about the things I had said. He has a tendency to hear my words long after I've left, once he's stopped and thought through things.

I thought I might even get an apology at some point, but I didn't.

I was thinking that if he was embarrassed or felt at all bad, he would be reticent to reach out and wait to hear from me. I let most of the day go by and then checked in with him to see how his thing from the morning had gone.

He responded with a cryptic message about how a quote about single fathers had upset him (I think I missed another message he sent but I got the gist of it). So he wasn't having a great day. I tried to make him feel better, but didn't hear back from him. A bit later I asked if he was o.k. and he said he was.

Then, I crawled out on the limb and suggested a date for BTD (Big Talk Day), slightly less than 3 weeks from now. I was nervous about bringing it all up again, but a date had to be set. This has to happen. It seemed like it took him forever to respond. But he did and was o.k. with the date. Literally. His response? "Ok."

Nothing else.

I told him if he wanted to suggest a different day, maybe sooner, he could.

Nothing.

Then I told him that if he wanted me to move on now that he should just tell me. I didn't feel like that was what he wanted and that's why I'm giving him time...and if there's a reason not to move on, I don't want to miss it...but he should tell me if I've misread the situation. I told him I wasn't trying to waste his time. I told him I couldn't tell how he was feeling about all of this.

Finally I got a response. He said he has been enjoying the time we have spent together and that he was not prepared for the discussions we had. He just didn't know what to say. He said he understood where I'm coming from and wasn't mad, just at a loss for words.

I said that this was why I thought taking some time would be good and then tried to explain that this may have seemed to come out of the blue (he was curious on Sunday night about why I was all about this before but now, not so much) because I was not that proud of my behavior and was starting to see myself go into the "I'm not going to get over this and move on" danger zone.

He said that made him feel like what we have shared is horrible and wrong. I responded that it's precisely because it's not horrible and wrong that it's a problem. That every time we are together it makes me love him. I want him to be around. I want to sleep with him. I want him to want me. But, I'm not supposed to want those things. I told him I'm supposed to be strong and move on, but I don't want to.

No reply.

Then, because I use humor to ease tension and conflict, I sent a cute message about also wanting a delicious ice cream treat. He LOL'd and said he needed that.

I love making him LOL.

A little while later he texted that he missed me. I responded in kind.

Later, while I was still trying to get some blogging done but couldn't make myself get anywhere, I texted him that I hoped he was accomplishing more than I was. He responded that he was still working, but I could come hang with him. Followed by "Ha."

I replied that I would love to hang but I knew it would only frustrate him. And then the conversation headed straight for naughtyland. Danger.

We bantered back and forth. It was flirty and kind of hot. But just texting, so not a big deal. (And, admittedly, something that had worked in the recent past). I was resistant to suggestions, but was trying to keep it fun and not preachy and serious. I didn't want to assume the worse of him. I assumed he was just having fun, not that he actually expected me to change my mind about what I had requested.

At some point I told him to stop being so cute. He responded with "stop being so stubborn." I told him it couldn't be helped.

A bit later, as I was shutting down my computer for the night, knowing I wasn't going to get any more focused on my work at that hour, he asked what happened to me and was I on my way over to his place or was I asleep. I told him I was headed to bed. He frowned at that.

More naughty flirtation. Harmless, right? Wrong.

He said he was going to drive over.

Uh oh.

I told him not to. That we couldn't. That we were supposed to be avoiding confusion so we could figure out what we wanted.

He repeated that he was driving over.

I responded with "Please. No. I'm trying to be strong. I need the security of a relationship."

No more cute. No more fun. Time for serious.

He replied that he was getting ready to leave.

I frowned.

He asked if I was going to let him in. I knew I wouldn't leave him outside if he showed up, but if I let him in, he would be hard to resist, so I couldn't really answer that. I wanted to reply with "Are you coming over to talk about a relationship?" but didn't have the guts. Instead I told him I didn't want to have sex. Then I sent a message correcting myself, saying I didn't want to have sex if we can't be together.

Nothing.

It was pretty late at this point, but I waited up in case he showed up at my house. I would have let him in so we could at least talk. And because I'm not hard-assed enough to turn someone I care about away. He never showed up.

He hasn't said a word.

I have no idea what's going on. I don't know if he was just messing with me. I don't know if he got halfway to my house and turned around. I don't know if he's angry or if he feels bad. Lesson learned: Apparently even just talking about sex adds as much confusion as the sex itself.

I haven't sent any messages to him today either. I don't really know what to say to him. I'd like him to be the first to reach out. Besides, now I'm afraid that if I do say something, it'll be construed as an invitation for sex. And I'm frustrated that he thought we would get together last night. That, after all of this, he's still pushing so hard.

What I wanted before I went to sleep was the sweet "Good night, beautiful. I miss you." message that I usually get. What I got was the feeling that I was somehow a bad person for refusing to sleep with a guy I'm not even dating. And the feeling that the guy I wish I were dating is not as fantastic as I once thought he was once.

And the sad thing is...I would have loved to sleep with him last night. It was great that he was so excited by the thought of me that he wanted to hop in his car and drive over. Except, what I really want is for that to be happening inside the confines of a committed relationship.

O.k., and this is something new that is concerning me...an effect of the "let's not have sex and think about what we want" decree. What if he decides to get back together just for the sex? I don't want him to come over and say that he wants to be with me because he has needs that must be met. I don't want him to give into my desire for a relationship just so we can sleep together again. And now, how will I know that he's not?

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we go on more than one date with our Date Club fellas.

J: Skating into September?

I talked with an OKCupid boy about going rollerskating tomorrow. (ROLLERSKATING!! How cool is THAT?!?)

But honestly, the conversation happened a couple of weeks ago, so I'm not completely sure whether the date is still happening. We've texted back and forth several times since then but there's not been another mention of time or place.

However, I get a feeling this is a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants type guy.

And really, for once, I'm not at all worried about finding a date. I'm actually chatting with about 4 different fun (and attractive) guys. Maybe this OKCupid thing isn't so bad...

So if the date happens...it happens. If not, some other lucky guy will get to be Mr. September.

Besides, the last time I went skating (5ish years ago) I broke my elbow. So you'll understand if I'm not calling him to make sure we're actually lined up for tomorrow.

S: The Talk Update

I did it. Well...we did it. We had the talk.

The jury is still out on how it went. The worst didn't happen. The best didn't happen. I certainly didn't leave there on top of the world. Or any less confused.

Sunday evening, while we were both still mid-workout, Guy texted asking if I had eaten yet. I hadn't so I let him know that I was finishing up my workout and would then be hungry.

Yay...an opportunity to get to his place and hopefully talk.

Unfortunately, from earlier messages, I knew that he was already frustrated about it raining when he was in the middle of staining his deck. So, I had my work cut out for me. Did I really want to bring up something like this when he's already ticked off? And he mentioned having some beer to deal with the ticked-offedness. Did I really want to have this conversation with someone who's been having angry beers?

But there would always been an excuse, right?

We debated the topic of dinner until he finally decided to make us some pasta while I headed his way (I do like it when he cooks for me). As a surprise, I stopped on the way to grab a movie he had been wanting to see. It was something silly that I thought would lighten up the evening for him.

When I got there, he didn't seem too upset. He was still frustrated about the stain, but certainly wasn't throwing any of it in my direction. We talked about it and that got it off his chest a little bit. He was happy about the movie and thought I was cute for bringing it.

We had our pasta and started watching the movie. He relaxed. When we were done eating we sat close on the couch and then he laid down and put his head in my lap.

So damn cute.

He started falling asleep. Crap. How can I bring up a serious conversation when he's falling asleep? And when he's so cute and snuggly and right there on my lap. Urgh.

And, furthermore, how can he be so cute and snuggly and right there on my lap and not just want to be with me? If I could shake him I would.

The movie ended, but we were comfortable where we were, so he switched to the TV and we just stayed put. And then I was falling asleep. Unable to break the sweetness with my need to know whether or not I should be moving on with my life.

Finally, he asked if I wanted to stay because he wanted to go to bed. I couldn't answer. This was the moment. If I didn't stay I would have to explain. He asked what was wrong. I told him I was hoping we could have a conversation but I didn't want to bring anything up because he was so tired and falling asleep. He wanted to know what I wanted to have a conversation about.

I told him we needed to talk about where we were in all of this because I am confused about what I should be doing and if I should be moving on. He asked if this was the "shit or get off the pot" conversation. I said it was and he woke himself up so we could talk.

I let him know that I felt like we were both confused and that, while I didn't want to move on, if I needed to, then I needed to know that so I could. I said that I felt like I was in limbo because it seems like he doesn't want me to move on, yet we're not together. I could tell I had blindsided him because he didn't have much to say.

Because I didn't think pressuring him into making a decision on the spot was going to be helpful, I had hatched a little plan to give him the gift of time. I told him I didn't want to pressure him and laid out what I had in mind.

My plan was to take a couple of weeks to stop and think. No worrying about anybody moving on and no bedtime fun to add to the confusion. We can still talk, text and hangout, but no sex. With each other or anyone else. In that couple of weeks, we think about what we want so we can decide how to move forward.

He agreed to this, but only because it was what I wanted to do. I'm not sure why he would make a concession, since we're broken up and he can just tell me to go away, but he conceded. I asked if he had a better idea but he didn't. He did say that we shouldn't hang out if we couldn't have sex and I told him it was perfectly fine for him to set boundaries as well. So, no hanging out.

We decided we would take some time and space and schedule a date for a couple of weeks in the future to get together and talk about the status of our relationship. But I still wasn't sure he got it. In fact, at some point, he said it was like being married and I was withholding sex to get what I wanted.

Hello? I'm withholding sex because you broke up with me. At this point, my status is the same as every other female on the planet. Are they all withholding sex to get you to be their boyfriend?

I tried to make him understand that this wasn't the same, but he had been taken by surprise and was reacting to not being prepared. Meaning he was just going to be dense and think what he thinks no matter what I say.

Then he asked if I wanted to stay and cuddle. I did want to. We had been so cozy on the couch that I wanted to keep that going. And, I got the feeling we weren't really done with our conversation and I wanted stay and try to get more out of him. But I had to remind him and make sure he understood that that's all it would be. He agreed. (Ladies? We know how this goes.)

So we climbed in bed and the coercing began. He tried. And tried. And tried. But I wouldn't allow it. I had already drawn the line. Now, if I have sex with him, it will seem wrong, even if it hasn't before, because I've said we shouldn't.

We talked a little more. At some point he mentioned again that if it was just sex to him he would get what he wanted and leave. I agreed with him that it's clear when we are together that he cares about me, but reiterated that it's confusing that he cares about me enough to sleep with me, but not enough to risk a relationship with me. He saw my point. And his response indicated that maybe he did care enough to be in a relationship.

???

Finally, we fell asleep.

And then it was morning. Time for more coercion. Still I refused. And then I decided I better leave, talk or no talk. He asked if I was going and I said I didn't want to make him mad. He said he was already mad because I was using sex to get what I wanted as if we were married. Again, I tried to make him see that that was not at all the same as what was going on here.

More talking. Mostly me. He was very quiet. We snuggled a bit more. And then more coercion. Aggressive coercion this time. Very un-Guy-like behavior. And not pleasant at all. I made him stop and got up to leave. He rolled over, angry and frustrated.

I told him that, try as I might, I could not be o.k. with sex outside of a relationship. That, as much as I want to keep him close to me, I can't make it o.k. in my mind. And, that I didn't want him to be o.k. with it either. It's not who I am and it's not who he is.

Silence.

He got up to get ready to go to something he had scheduled that morning. I wondered if he was just going to let my words hang in the air without a response. Apparently he was.

So I said we should keep the lines of communication open and figure out when to get together to talk about us. He agreed. I followed him to the kitchen and got ready to leave. I waited by the door and he came over and gave me a hug. He tried to make it brief and friendly, but I held on.

And then I wished him a good day and left.

I'm not sure how I felt. I was glad I had stayed, because we did talk some more and I got to make my points. And I think he heard what I was saying. AND I got to prove that I meant what I said about not having sex. But I was so frustrated with him and his behavior. How could he not just respect my wishes? And yet, it's because he's attracted to me and cares about me, which is what I want, right? But I also want him to love and respect me and be in a relationship with me. He seems to want that too most of the time. Again, there are two Guys I seem to be dealing with. One of them thinks with his boy parts too much.

I wasn't sure how he was feeling either. I knew he was frustrated, but I wondered if he would feel ashamed or embarrassed. I wondered if he was sorry, or just mad. Perhaps, at this point, if I remind him of being married, then he'll just want me to move on now instead of waiting.


See? More confusion. Even without the sex, the sex still got in the way. But we're on the road to decision time. Soon enough I will know what I have to do. In the meantime, I still have some hope.

Really I have hope for several things. I have hope that Guy and I can find a way to be together. But, if not, I have hope that I can find someone else who makes me feel as good as, if not better, than Guy did.

I suppose that's actually just hope for one thing. I hope I get to be one of those people who finds someone they can be with until the clock stops ticking. It's a long shot...but it could happen.

S: The Talk

Guy and I really need to have the talk tonight. I'm hoping he'll accept my request for dinner and Rock Band. And then I'm hoping I have the cajones to draw a line in the sand.

It's September now and I either need to have a boyfriend or find a date. This half-n-half stuff isn't going to work. I wish I didn't have to face this, but I do.

I'm afraid he's going to opt for it being over. I'm afraid of the pain of that. I'm afraid that if it has to be over, then I have to cut him out of my life completely until I'm over him. I'm afraid that once again I will be losing something and someone I will miss for a very long time and always wonder about.

But what choice do I have other than to face these fears and deal with them head on? The situation is what it is. It's too late to turn back now.

Send strong vibes my way. I need all the strength I can get.

J: Would you?

This weekend I rented TiMER a movie recommended by a married friend as one that I'd really identify with and enjoy. She was right!

I loved the concept: a new technology has emerged that allows you to know the exact moment that you will meet your true love and due to a timer that is implanted in your arm you can watch the count down and will be notified by a beep-beep-beep of the moment that the magical eye contact happens (just in case you don't happen to notice it on your own).

What a fabulous thing, right?

Well…with such a great gift there are always challenges...

For one thing, your timer doesn’t start counting down until your soul mate also has a timer implanted. So if you have a timer but it's blank, every timer-less guy just might be “the one”. But what if he has a moral objection to the whole idea? Do you force the issue? And if he finally agrees to get a timer of his own and you take him in and your timer stays blank but his shows a countdown…what then?

What if your “zero-out” date is years and years in the future? How do you spend those years of waiting? If you’re 34 and know you have another 10 years of wait do you have a child on your own, knowing that you’ll be too old to have one when he finally shows up? Or do you spend the years playing around…having meaningless worthless flings with other guys who are still counting down and want to sow their wild oats before they meet their true love and have to settle down?

What if you get your timer at 16 (legally, the earliest possible age for timer implantation) at your parent’s insistence, only to discover that the wait time is just days away? As a 16 year old, how are you mature enough to handle the knowledge that the girl next door is the only one you’ll ever know?

And what if you truly fall in love with someone with a different zero-out than yours? Do you still go into the relationship, knowing that it’s doomed to eventually fail when he meets the real love of his life?

Okay, obviously, this was a movie and movies aren’t real life. But it begs the question…if the technology was available to you today, would you get a timer of you own?

As a single gal it seems like it would be a relief to know that there was actually someone out there and that it's just a matter of time before you meet and live happily ever after.

But would the value of knowing “when” outweigh the price of knowing “when”?