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Well…no more avoiding the inevitable.
I got another date request from Suitor #8. So, I decided against the ignore-him-and-hope-that-he-gets-the-message method and chose to go with a more direct route. With this decision made, it was officially time to let they guy know that I wasn’t interested in going out again.
According to the informal guy poll I quickly ran, 100% of all guys questioned (both of them) said it was important that my message leave no room for doubt. I should make sure that it cut to the chase with no room for interpretation and no ‘flowery’ language allowed.
So after typing in the message and obsessing over the wording and struggling to hit the “send” button, I finally sent: “Thanks for the invite. I’m just not interested in a dating relationship.”
While I enjoyed the feeling of relief that immediately rushed through my body I didn’t enjoy the guilt that came along with it. Was I too harsh? Was it strong enough…maybe he’d interpret it wrong? Did I hurt his feelings? Maybe a little flowery stuff would have been better?
Within the hour, I had a message back. It went something like: “Ok thats fine. I understand. I had a great time meeting you. You're a great person, wished it would’ve worked out. Best of luck to you.”
Aaaah…guilt.
Guys have it so much easier. They never have to send a rejection message. They can just stop calling.
O.k., I know I totally owe you a post about my date with Mr. Saint Eligible Bachelor February. And I promise there will be one.
I just can't stop hanging out with him long enough to get it written.
Here's the faster-than-a-bullet-hence-the-bulleted-format-speed-post version:- Friday night: Ended up picking up a pizza and taking it to his house at Midnight, as he texted that he would wait up and even cleared his driveway for me. Talked until 4:30 in the morning.(Minds out of the gutter, lovelies, we really only talked).
- Saturday morning: He came over to my house to help shovel my driveway.
- Saturday night: We both had separate parties to attend, but he wanted to see me. Said he stayed out waiting for an opportunity. (Never once seemed needy or suffocating, for real.)
- Sunday: The actual date. So...much...fun... Lasted 6 hours. Felt like 6 minutes.
- Tonight (Tuesday): Chirped at me when he was in my neck of the woods to see if I wanted dinner. I had cabin fever from a day of working from home, so I accepted. Somehow this turned into a 5 hour date. A rather enjoyable 5 hour date.
Dateketeers, what am I to do? This guy is, like, the most fun. And he's sweet and polite and, get this, he uses people's names and actually converses with them when transacting business. And, let's not overlook the fact that he is rather easy on the eyes. So, oopsies...I think I accidentally like one of my months. When I get around to posting details, we have to discuss how it's possible that I can't wait until the next time I get to see Mr. S.E.B.F, but I have yet to desire any physical interaction. You'll have to help me figure out what's wrong with me. I know it's cold here right now, but could it be that I too have gotten frigid? And what in Cupid's name am I going to do about finding a Mr. March? How about we get that groundhog back out and have 6 or so more weeks of February? Pretty please?More soon! Scout's honor!
Ok, I think my aura has changed. I am seemingly now a man-magnet! I've officially been on Match for 6 days, and let me tell you, it's changed me. For once I'm in the driver's seat. For once I have choices. I'm not worried where my Mr. March will come from, in fact I'm being choosy about who will get the title!
The emails are still flooding in, the eyes are still winking, and I am still beaming. And I think this has changed my vibe. Suddenly I find myself in less of a desperate situation, and more in a fun, flirty, game where I have my pick of the crop! It has changed my attitude and made me more confident, and I think that has attracted other fellows I have come in contact with outside of Match!
Take this for example. I went to a regular networking function after work one night last week and have had 3 guys follow up with me from that event! One was a shy email "Nice to meet you. Will I see ya at the next event?" Another called for coffee, and yet another one (ravishingly good looking, I might add) emailed to ask me out. I'm here to tell you this kind of follow up has NEVER happened to me in the past!
Anyway, just thought I would share how much fun this is, and encourage my fellow date club comrades to do the same, if their social calendars can handle it. :)
Must go get my beauty rest. I have a date tomorrow night, country line dance lessons on Thursday, and another date on Friday night. Yee-haw!
Not only did I turn February Date #3 into my potential Mr. March, I also got a "I'm glad you're easy-going. :-)" for my efforts.
Fantastic!
I’m coming to the point where I am going to need to let Suitor #8 know that I’m not going to go on another date with him.
My bestest guy friend tells me that I should have already informed the guy of this fact. I missed my opportunity, apparently, when I responded to his request for a 2nd date with “I already have plans for tonight.” According to him, that was the perfect opportunity to let #8 know that it’s not just tonight that I’m busy…it’s every single other night in the foreseeable future.
Apparently, it’s not a “kindness” to ignore the texts and the invitations and hope that he gets the hint. Yes, I could do exactly that and eventually he’d get it. But really, it’s just not nice. My bestest guy friend also said that he would much rather be told up front that a girl he had asked out “just wasn’t feeling it” so that he could move on instead of obsessing over whether his timing was just bad/he didn’t give her enough advance notice/maybe her schedule would lighten up next week.
Valid point.
I had a very different conversation with Sheila. According to her, at this point this guy isn’t going over the top for me. (For God’s sake…when he asked me out for our second date, it was with less than 24 hours notice!) In S’s words “it’s not like he had a hot air balloon ride planned…he wasn’t slaying dragons for you or writing you poetry or buying you flowers.” Until he shows that he’s head over heels for me, there’s really no need to have the conversation. It’s perfectly okay to just let things dwindle away until the point at which he informs me that his life is not worth living without me…at which point, I really have no choice but to respond.
Another valid point…and truthfully, one that I much prefer. Especially as her approach doesn’t involve any kind of “I’m not feeling the chemistry with you” discussion. (Conflict avoidance-my favorite!)
With these two opposing opinions, I went to scour one of my favorite dating books (“How to Get a Date Worth Keeping” by Dr. Henry Cloud) for advice in this area. As far as I could tell, the book had just four paragraphs on rejection. (Really? Just FOUR!!?!?) Under the sub-heading of “Move beyond the Fear of Hurting Someone” Dr. Cloud offered up the following very basic advice: be honest from the beginning. As long as you’re being honest, you’re not responsible for his feelings. “He or she is an adult and freely chooses to be in the dating arena.” And we should all be very aware of the fact that being in the dating arena, by it’s very nature, means a whole bunch of rejection.
Okay, so, apparently, that’s where I got into trouble.
Because, when this guy looked me in the eyes after lunch and said “we should get together again” I just couldn’t make myself say “Thanks for paying for my lunch, but ya know…I’m just not feeling any chemistry between us. I actually didn’t feel anything from the start but figured that I’d give you another chance because…what the heck...but, um…yeah…you still aren’t knocking my socks off.” I can’t do that! So I found myself saying: “Sure” or some other such stumbly response.
And… I gave him a hug. A HUG?!? Yep.
But, that’s me…I’m a hugger. I hug. Everyone. Just the other day I hugged a coworker I hadn’t seen in awhile. I realized about a half of a second too late that hugs aren’t exactly appropriate work etiquette in the corporate environment, but that’s just the way I am. Sorry!
So, big surprise… after the date, I found myself in the middle of giving a hug before I realized that it probably wasn’t the best idea.
Back to my conversation with my bestest guy friend…apparently when his date initiates a post-date hug, it’s seen as an encouragement. Grrreat. So, um, how are you really supposed to part ways? A high five? A handshake? A “good game” pat on the butt?
So, lessons learned here: (1) no hugs and (2) I need a better response than “sure”. But, for now, I still need to deal with this. I guess the question comes down to: if I run into this guy again, what can I live with?
There is the distinct possibility that I could see him at the next 8-minute event. Do I really want to have to miss out on future speed dating fun just because I’m too chicken to tell one guy how I really feel? How does that 8-minute conversation go?
Jane: “Hiya, I remember you…you took me to lunch and we never spoke again because I was avoiding you by claiming to be waaaaay too busy. But look, I’m obviously not too busy now, if I’m here again, looking to meet new boys.”
Annnnd we’re back to where we started.
When talking about this with another good friend she told me that she never felt so free as when she first learned how to tell a guy that she just wasn’t interested in a relationship. I would like that!
At this point, at this very moment, I don’t have to do anything. I’ll wait and see if he asks me out again and then from how he asks, I’ll figure out how to deal with it. But, here’s the thing…if I don’t figure this out with this guy, I still will eventually have to learn. Might as well suck it up now and start learning. I've got a lot of year ahead of me.
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