S: Argh! Resisting!

I am blogging this as it happens.

Well, as it happens and while I'm still at home. Which won't be long because my cute little self is headed out to do some hard core flirting. And beer drinking. (Not hard core on the beer...promise.)

Here's what's going down...

I have not heard from Guy since our text conversation on Thursday night. This has not surprised me. I was pretty cold and unreceptive to his boohoos. And I know he has his son this weekend, so he's probably not feeling as lonely.

Anyway, I've been wondering if I would hear from him. I thought maybe tonight he would start to feel antsy again. Or not. Hard to say. He has a lot of pride, so if I've refused him, I can see him turning a cold shoulder.

So, I made plans to grab a beer with a (male) friend of mine who I haven't hung out with in a very long time. Don't get any ideas, not only is he a good friend of mine (whose friendship I would not destroy for a date) he is also a very good friend of my former fiance's. So REALLY off limits. But maybe he can wingman an August date for me.

I've been getting ready to head out while he finishes working and had just thought that if I heard from Guy, it would be about this time. And I hadn't, so I thought I was probably off the hook.

Wrong.

Just checked in for an update from my pal and there was a message from Guy wanting to know if I'm out or at home.

Ugh!

I'm not sure what I should do. Other than sit down and blog about it, right? It's ALL about the blog.

My options:
Ignore it - he needs to know he can't make me answer when called
Tell him it's not his business - he has no right to know what I'm doing
Tell him I'm headed out - let him sit and stew about me moving on
Ask him why he wants to know - mostly because I'm curious

I don't know!

I need to ignore it. I should not respond. Right? I'm struggling.

If I ignore it, I achieve 3 things: I let him know he can't just make me answer whenever he needs to hear from me, indicate that it's not his business where I am and make him stew about me moving on. The only thing that doesn't happen is my curiosity being satisfied as to why he wants to know what I'm up to.

O.k., ignoring.

Really.

I'm ignoring it.

There is no Guy.

Ignoring.

Not responding.

Zip.

Nada.

Zilch.

Not gonna do it. No way.

Ignoring it.

For real.

Oy.

I really will need a beer soon.

I'll keep you posted.

S: Who is This Guy?

Last night was interesting. It started innocently enough with a simple, friendly text…

On Thursdays I always spend the evening working on a weekly post I do for another blog. Guy knows I do this every Thursday, so, at about the time I am usually beginning, he sent a text wishing for me to have fun working on it.

Randomly. Out of the blue. He must have been missing me. Or lonely. Or horny.

Whatever. It was nice, but I was busy so I ignored it.

When I got done with a portion of it and went to start my workout, I replied that I always do have fun. In the meantime, he had sent me a video clearly shot on his phone, so I also asked what the video was.

A bit later, he responded that he was at a concert. What’s odd was that this show was at a place that he told me months ago he absolutely hated because of history with his ex and would never go to. This made me respond with surprise that he was there.

Here’s where the confusion, and/or appearance of multiple personalities, begins. He told me that he hadn’t wanted to stay home alone after reading my email, so he went to this place for this show. I said that the email must have been pretty bad to make him go there and I was sorry for that but that I didn’t understand how it could have been because he was the one who broke up with me.

A bit later, his next message was that I already have a date and he (Guy) sucks.

What??

Clearly beverages have been had.

Anyway, I replied to that with a terse “I can’t say I’m very comfortable talking about you picking up chicks and getting dates.” I just didn’t want to start some conversation about who is hot and can get dates with the guy I’m still in love with and who I don’t want to imagine with anyone else.

Now, what I did not do is let him off the hook thinking I had a date scheduled on Friday. Let him suffer just a bit more, yes? He doesn’t need to know that Mr. 21 never got back to me. He should still think I'm amazing enough to pick up a young dude not 2 days after he has dumped me. Because I am.

At this point he replied that I was the one with a date already and that he has no interest in dating someone else. Ok, am I supposed to feel bad now? That is so unfair. He’s the one who broke up with me. How mean is it for him to try to make me feel sorry for him not being able to move on?

Of course, I am WAY too nice. I’m trying not to be too nice to him, because it isn’t helping me at all, but it’s difficult to do. I’m not a mean-spirited person and this is someone I care about.

My response to his message was that I wasn’t interested in seeing anyone else either. (Which is true. This challenge is tough when you can’t muster up the desire to find a target and focus on it.) Then, because he knows about what we’re doing here and he knew I would be getting back in the game, I repeated that I had only accepted the date to fill the quota. I also said I was doing the challenge again as a distraction and a way of moving on.

And then, because I’m such a sucker…I told him that the date wasn’t going to happen. Mr. 21 had never contacted me again. I only wanted to let him off the hook so that when he did eventually find out there wouldn’t be any “Why did you let me continue to think you had a date when it so clearly bothered me?” conversation. I just can’t be cruel.

Then…this, which is one of these kinds of messages that just confuses the expletive out of me…the kinds of things he keeps saying that ALMOST make it sound like he feels like he made the wrong decision, but aren’t quite an explicit admission of that…

He said that it crushed him that I had moved on so quickly but that he had made his bed and now he has to sleep in it.

W…T…F?? Does that mean he’s not happy with what he’s done? Or maybe he was just indicating that he had finished his chores for the night and was going to sleep?

Seriously, if he thinks he’s done the right thing shouldn’t the message be along the lines of “It sucks but it’s the way it has to be”?

What’s with all the mixed signals? What does he want from me? Is he trying to get sympathy sex? Is he just trying to keep me tethered to him?

At this point, this is having the opposite effect. I’m getting rather frustrated and wanting to be further and further away. He’s playing with me. Not cool. Who is this guy? I’m not sure I can tell any more.

Again, I was too nice. I was trying to be matter-of-fact but I should have just shut him down or told him to leave me alone. I’m human. Part of me likes that he misses me and he’s feeling badly. He should. It’s validating. And part of me likes having blog material, so keep it coming. And part of me likes how good my workout is when he's pissing me off.

I reiterated that I had not moved on, as evidenced by the email that he had clearly read. And then asked what else I can do BUT move on? How else can I have a life? Then, I ran with his bed analogy (I like analogies) to illustrate for him that he still has a choice. I don’t understand what’s going on with him but that I am still willing, at this point, to help him make a different bed if he wants to.

He responded that he was confused.

(clearly)

I asked if he was confused about his thinking or mine. I was thinking that he was finally going to admit that he just wasn’t sure how he felt. But no, he said he was confused about my thinking “of course.”

Head slap.

My response to that was, “Well then we’re even because I can’t figure out where you’re at at all. I really have no idea what’s happening.” And then I sent another message explaining my analogy and simply telling him he still had a choice as far as I was concerned.

Although, truth be told, his window of opportunity is closing fast. Until the Guy I used to know shows back up, this Guy doesn’t have much of a chance.

His response to this “you still have a choice as far as I’m concerned” was to repeat that I was the one who already had a date scheduled and he couldn’t even THINK about dating anyone.

STOP SAYING THAT!

And then…here is where the hurt comes...he added this message. I’ve been trying to avoid quoting him directly, but paraphrasing will not do this justice…

And you are the one who supposedly loves me…HA. That’s a joke.

O-U-C-H

O.k. at this point I should have just told him to leave me alone. But, you know what, them’s fightin’ words. I was ticked and I wanted to have my say. How dare he call me a liar and try to boohoo to me when he’s the one who ended it and I’m just trying to do the healthy thing and move on? How dare he?

Again, I repeated that I did not have a date. And that the only reason I had the date was for the blog. He knows I don’t want to be with anyone else right now, I’ve said that numerous times. And then I told him that I don’t lie. Especially about these things.

(It’s hard to be honest about feelings in these situations and I have been very open with him when normally I’m rather protective and for him to accuse me of faking that…who-is-this-dude?)

Then I told him that I can’t sit in my house and pine away until I don’t love him anymore. That’s not how it works. If he doesn’t love me and he doesn’t want to be with me, what other choice do I have but to move on? (Honestly, a real answer would have been good…what other option does he think there is?)

His only response to this was a sad face.

Not cool. He does not get to be the sad one. So I replied to that with, “It’s not fair for me moving on to make you sad when you are the one who has rejected me.”

He said he missed me.

UGH! Are we even having the same conversation?!

My response: I know. But I guess we’ll just have to let time take that away.

He replied with an “ouch” and that he got my point and he wouldn’t bother me anymore.

I really should have left it at that, but I was tired and then suddenly felt bad for making him ouch (I’m so not good at being mean), so I told him I didn’t know why that would make him “ouch” and that I didn’t know what to say to him. I miss him too but there’s nothing I can do about it.

Finally he told me he would have preferred to have been hanging with me every night this week.

“Hanging”? Uh-huh.

The conversation ended with my: The thing that sucks about that is you don’t prefer it enough to still be in a relationship with me.

No reply.

And I don’t expect one. I’ve shot him down a few times now. I bet he disappears for a while. Which, when I’m in my right mind, is fine with me. In fact, whoever this new break-up Guy is, I hope he disappears forever. Guy From Last Spring is welcome back any time, if he still exists. It's entirely possible that he only lives in this blog now and that is truly what makes me sad.

Now…if only I had a date tonight. Dammit.

S: BUBC Busted!

I did it. I broke up the BUBC (break-up booty call) relationship. And I feel pretty good about it. As Jane suggested, it was empowering.

But it sucked too. I miss him.

On Monday night, while having our fun, we discussed future visits. Because we were having so much fun. And I knew it wasn’t going to get us back together, so what was the harm for a bit? I'm not being foolish, I know the deal.

I hadn’t yet considered the respect perspective of the whole thing. That both of us would lose respect for me. And, Guy's not likely to work through his stuff and really consider what it is he wants if he's getting me on the side. These things squelched my desire for future BUBCs.

Tuesday, when I found out his son would be staying with him, I told him I didn’t think it would be a good idea to see him. He said if I had needs he would be there to fill them. I didn't intend to go over Tuesday night and felt I had expressed that, so I went about my business at home and didn’t hear anything from him.

The next morning, he texted asking what happened on Tuesday night and hadn’t I had any needs he needed to fill. I didn’t respond right away because I was busy, and he added a bit later that really he had gone to bed early and gotten a ton of much needed sleep.

I repeated my belief that me going over there when his son was there was a bad idea, especially since that is what broke us up in the first place (hellooo?) and then made some comment about how I should have slept more but hadn’t.

He ignored the commentary about the right and wrong of the BUBC with his son around and just focused on the sleep part. And then the conversation ended.

I had plans Wednesday night so I wasn’t in texting mode, so he didn’t hear anything from me. Then, once again late at night, he asked about a meeting I was supposed to have the next day. (This is something that has been in the works that he does actually care about the results of because it could be a good thing for me.) He wanted to know what time it would be. I told him it was scheduled in the morning. He wished me good luck. I thanked him.

End of conversation, right?

Wrong.

He then texted wanting to know why earlier in the week I had been interested in coming to see him but now I wasn’t. Crap. Now I have to attempt to explain my change of heart on the whole BUBC thing. I responded that I couldn’t explain it in text and I would send him an email. (I really didn't want to talk because I'm much better at expressing myself when I can stop and think and get in all the words I want to say.)

An email that took me quite a while to compose.

Here are some of the highlights:

Monday night was great…but the more I think about it, the more I feel like a sex only relationship is the wrong choice. For both of us.

…it seems like a good way to make you lose respect for me and for me to lose respect for myself.

If us having sex in a loving, monogamous relationship that was long term but wasn’t maybe going to lead to marriage was wrong (hence the break-up), then us having sex outside of the security and commitment of a relationship has to be really wrong. And really unfair.

…the more I thought about it, the more I started to worry that … one day you would realize that what we were doing was really wrong and you would dump me. Again. And think of me as some kind of whore.

… if I am to minimize the scarring of this, I need to be strong and let myself move on.

I deserve your love. And I'm abusing myself if I give myself to you without the return payment of your love, respect and honor.

… I think [Monday night] was an isolated incident. I fear that each subsequent visit would tear away at me a little more. And give me that hope that I am trying so hard to shake.

He hasn’t responded. I don’t know if he’s read it or not. He may have fallen asleep before I sent it. Yes, it took that long to compose.

We have communicated today. I texted him and told him the results of the meeting. Because I knew he cared and because I was excited, but it’s a secret and he’s the only one I could share with. His responses were kind and supportive. No mention of anything else.

I’m not at all sure what his reaction is or will be. Whatever it is, it won’t change my mind. This is the end of BUBC. One was enough.

And at least I got a chance to break up with him too.

J: A Missed Kiss

Tonight I ended up going dancing with Mr. May again for several hours after class.

At the end of it, he walked me to my car and right there in the parking lot, beside my car we practiced an especially challenging dance move a few times.

He reach over to hug me as a goodbye and I could see the kiss in his eyes. I know, that sounds silly & dramatic but you know what I'm saying right?

I could see that intent.

But he didn't lean. So I didn't lean.

And we ended up in a slightly awkward sideways hug. And he kissed the side of my forehead.

It's something, right?

I wonder if I should have done something more to encourage it.

I also wonder if I actually did something sub-consciously, at the last minute to discourage it.

Maybe he wasn't ready. Maybe despite all the signals he's giving out, he doesn't actually like me in that way Or maybe he just needs to put on his big boy pants and take a chance.

I dunno.

I DO know that I won't be the one to initiate anything since I'm still not completely sure regarding my feelings for him.

As we parted, he asked me to text when I got home. Which I did. And via text he asked me to go out again tomorrow. Which I can't.

But with all the interest & the invites, it sounds like something might be happening here.

Hmmm....

S: Will He or Won't He?

The status of my date on Friday is currently in question. Because why should anything going on in my world just be or not be? I do so enjoy instability and uncertainty.

I also enjoy being facetious.

And using $9 words.

Back to the point. On Saturday night, after exchanging a few texts, Mr. 21 asked if I wanted to hang out again. I asked if he meant he wanted to take me out. (When a girl needs a date, sometimes she has to lead a bit). He responded in the affirmative and told me to just tell him when.

Time for strategery. How soon should I be available? He knew I had just broken up with someone, so I thought it would be o.k. to be available inside a week. That and I don't really care what he thinks. So I told him I had nothing on the schedule for Friday. Might as well get this out of the way.

He indicated that would work for him, so I asked what he had in mind. He said it was up to me. A bit later, I sent him a couple of suggestions. Knowing we would have very little in common and not much to say to each other (can you say “quota date”?) I suggested either dinner and arcade games (I know what the kids like) or dinner and a movie. Two things that will not require a ton of conversation once the food has been consumed. I don’t mind trying for a little while. He could end up being interesting. (O.k., who am I kidding, I just want the food.)

By this time, it’s nearly 3 in the morning, so his response was that he would text me the next day to get it figured out. I thought that sounded like a decent plan.

But then, nothing. He never texted the next day. Or the day after that. Or at all.

I think he lost his nerve. My guess is that he had some liquid courage working in his favor on Saturday night and once that was gone, the prospect of being at all interesting to a hot 30-something chick was daunting. (I almost typed that with a straight face.)

Actually, he probably decided that he has no interest in dealing with such an old fart.

I’m not bothered by this. I really have no interest in him.

I do have interest in having a date set up in August so I can get back in the game though. The problem is that if I reach out to him, it will imply interest on my part where there is none. This will make the inevitable “no we should not go out again” conversation a little more difficult. Why would I bug him about setting up a first date if I had no intention of spending any further time with him?

Then, yesterday, he friended me on Facebook. I was surprised that he did, since I haven’t heard from him, but I assume he wanted to do a little social media recon before he made any further plans with me. Fine. I accepted the request. Let him recon. Aside from a few old pictures of me as a fatty, there isn't anything to hide.

Still, I have not heard from him. Maybe the fatty pics scared him off.

Basically, all this means that I don’t know if I actually have a date on Friday. And I’m not sure how to respond to him if he does contact me at this point or beyond. It’s kind of rude to wait this long to make firm plans.

If he texts me on Thursday night, do I just say, "Sorry dude, I didn’t hear from you, I made other plans"?

Or do I take the date so I meet my quota for the month? Who cares if he has bad dating practices? I’m not going to see him again anyway.

Or do I take the date because I really don’t want to stay home Friday night? Having something going on is way better than having nothing going on because an evening of nothing leaves too much room for thinking about things that I’m rather tired of thinking about.

I guess we’ll see what happens if I hear from him. I'll have to just live in the moment. It's doubtful that I will hear anything at this point. I think he doesn’t have the guts. But, maybe he does. I’ll let you know. Probably while I'm eating pizza and drinking wine while watching Netflix on my sofa. With the cats.

S: The Break-Up Story...At Last

I am now going to attempt to write a post about the actual break-up. It’s difficult to recount a break-up conversation because it usually doesn’t have much structure. You end up talking about a hundred different things at random in an attempt to get everything spelled out and say all the things you want to say before you no longer have a chance to say them.

The conversation Guy and I had was no different, so I’ll do the best I can to get it recorded here. I’ve gone over parts of it in my mind many times, so some of it is still pretty fresh. Other things come back to me as I go. Most of it doesn’t make sense.

As a new world form of therapy, I will also respond to each of his points with the arguments I actually did make, or the ones I keep thinking of but will never have the chance to say to him. I was never good at thinking of these things on the fly.

O.k. as much fun as it is to relive this…here goes…

So the catalyst for all of this was that his son sort of caught us twice on Wednesday night. First, in a somewhat compromising position, making out on the couch. It was late at night the night I had returned from being gone for nearly a week. We were feeling frisky. We hadn’t yet made it to the bedroom. My shirt was off. We heard him get out of bed upstairs and Guy as much as tossed me off his lap and I ran into the bedroom. But apparently I was too slow, or he was too quick. Because, as we found out later, he saw.

Then, I stayed over, as I have done for the last 6 months. We usually set the alarm for before his son wakes up and I sneak out unnoticed. And, we usually wake up when he hops out of bed for cuddle time with Dad, so Dad can meet him on the stairs and take him back to his room. But, since I had been gone, his son was used to climbing in bed with Dad for the last week. In fact, Guy had mentioned that this had been going on so I really don’t know why he didn’t just close the door like he sometimes did if he thought we might get caught. Suddenly, at 5 in the morning, there his son was whispering, “Dad. Dad.” We hadn’t been asleep that long, so I had to wake Guy up (which also explains why we didn’t wake up when he got out of bed). His son, as we found out later, noticed me there, even sort of hidden behind Guy.

I didn’t hear much from Guy during the day that next day. I had asked him a question about his Friday plans via text and something about weekend scheduling via email. Neither of which he responded to. But I didn’t think much of it since sometimes he is too busy during the day to communicate much. I’m used to it. I'm not paranoid. And I've learned not to assume the worst.

After work I finally heard from him. He texted and said that his son had had a lot of questions about why I didn’t have a shirt on and why I was in bed with him. He then said he felt like a horrible father.

I tried to send him words to make him feel better, but it seemed like I was pushing buttons, so I stopped and figured we would talk it through in person when I got there later that night. I was prepared to hear him say that I couldn’t stay over while his son was there anymore. I thought I would have to fight for time with him, but that was as far as I thought it would go.

Anyway, because of other blogs I work on, that night was a busy night for me, but I worked as fast as I could to get over there. At some point, I cut short what I was doing so I could get there before he decided it was too late and went to bed. I wanted him to have a chance to work through this with someone. I never imagined what he was really thinking.

I went over there prepared to talk and prepared to make my case for quality time with him if we couldn’t have quantity, but for once, I did not go over there prepared for him to break up with me. As many times as I’ve driven there ready for my execution, this time it did not even occur to me. As he had always wanted, finally I was not assuming the worst. My mistake.

When I got there he had me sit down on the couch next to him, which was my indication that he too was ready to talk right away. I sat down and started rubbing his back like he likes and got into supportive girlfriend mode. Like a sucker.

He said he had been thinking and feeling badly about this all day. Then he mentioned my text responses hadn’t helped, at which point I defended myself by saying I didn’t know what to say and it was hard to discuss this over text and I didn’t want to push buttons or be misread. He accepted that and continued.

This is where it turns down a path I did not see coming. The break-up path. On which there is no turning back.

Following is a list (at random) of his well-thought-out reasons for breaking up with me and what I said…or wish I had said.

He started by saying he felt like he was being a bad example to his son. That if neither one of us was in a place where we want to get married, why are we together? How could he be involved in a sexual relationship with me when he couldn’t make a commitment to marry me? He posed the question, “Where is this going?”

I couldn’t answer that specifically. I’ve always felt like it was going somewhere, but I know better than to try to predict the future or make empty promises.

I told him that being with him had made me think more and more about the possibility of forever and getting married, but I knew he had issues with marriage and how it changes things, so I've never considered it an option for us.

I told him that I did think we had a future but I couldn’t really define what it was. (ok, it didn’t come out that eloquently, but that’s what I meant)

He said we had fantastic sex and I am amazing in bed. But he wondered if our relationship was purely based on the physical and if we had anything going beyond great sex.

I felt like we did, we just liked the sex so much that we spent more time on that. But the relationship started with an unexpected and strong connection.

I do think that we could relate to each other without the physical, but the physical brought us closer and made us a stronger couple. (didn’t say this…wish I had thought of it)

We talked about a lot of different things on this night and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I really just liked sitting there talking with him. I told him this and he said jokingly, “Oh, you like this conversation?” I of course replied that the subject matter left a lot to be desired, but what I’ve always liked is how easy it is for us to talk. (See? We had more than just sex. Dammit.)

He said he didn’t “know” that we should be together. That he “knew” he was supposed to be with his ex when they were dating. That we shouldn’t be together because after 6 months together, he didn’t “know” that he wanted to spend his life with me.

At some point, when I was ranting about the whole “knowing” thing, I indicated that that’s a BS argument since she cheated on him and they are now divorced. He had some answer for that, but I wasn’t buying it.

How can you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone after only 6 months? It doesn’t seem like that long to me.

How does he expect to have a relationship with anyone if “knowing” is a requirement? He’s not going to “know” after one date. (I only thought of this point a day too late.)

He said he shouldn’t be in a relationship because he has trust issues. He is afraid that I will eventually become a different person and leave him. He thinks he needs to get over his trust issues before he gets involved with someone again.

This does seem to be a major issue for him. It’s like I’ve been with two different Guys. The first Guy was head-over-heels for me and made me feel the same about him. Then this other Guy showed up. This scared Guy. That’s all I can figure…he started to get scared. I can’t help him with that. He doesn't believe what I say.

My question is, how do you get over trust issues if you’re not in a relationship in which you have to trust someone? ( I REALLY wish I had thought of this at the time.)

What sucks is that he did to me what he always said he was afraid I would do to him…which kind of pisses me off. And I still wish I had a chance to express this to him. He always hated double standards, but he was pretty good at them himself.

At this point, bitter me is wondering how long it will really be before he’s seeing someone else. I think it’ll happen pretty quickly, despite his claims of thinking he shouldn’t be in a relationship. He’s not one to stay alone. He’s told me that before.

He has a problem with the fact that I’m not Catholic (in fact, I don’t believe in God). He said this wasn’t really one of the reasons, but it was something he always came back to. And, though he didn't say it this time, he’s said before that wants to be with someone he can share that part of his life with.

His beliefs have never been an issue for me. I always had a lot of respect for the fact that he stood by what he believed and tried to make his religion a regular part of his life.

I’ve always been willing to share this with him to some degree, but he always felt like that was disingenuous. To me, if it was important that we both go to Mass, then I would go to Mass. But he always thought that was a waste of time because I didn’t believe. I couldn’t convince him that the things that are important to him are important to me and not wastes of time. He would never let me join him, even when I asked.

If it turns out that he needs to be with someone who’s Catholic, then I am not what he wants or needs. That means it’s move on time.

The thing that bugs me about this reason is that he’s not exactly mister religious. It sucks that he’s decided this is a big deal when he’s very good at forgetting his Catholicism in other aspects of his life. How is it negotiable in some situations, but not when it comes to me? My only answer for that is that he doesn’t love me. If he loved me, he would find a way. It just sucks that he can be everything I want at the same time as I am not everything that he wants.

He said that if we did figure out how to get married and spend our lives together, it would be a huge disappointment to his parents. He’s afraid of disappointing his parents. He will give up things that make him happy so he doesn’t disappoint his parents.

You know what? It hurts to be referred to as a disappointment. I told him I definitely did not want to be a source of disappointment.

I think he should do the things that make him happy, not his parents. And really, they want him to be happy, it’s just unfortunate that they think they know what will make him happy.

I’m not sure I can abide this line of thinking. This fear of what his mom will think. It’s hard to have respect for that. Think for yourself. Let her figure out her own shit.

I think that was all of them. That's all I can remember anyway. There could be more.

Something that frustrates me is that the more I go over this, the more his reasons don’t make sense. Or are at least easy to argue against. But really, one does not need a reason to break up. If a person wants to break up, that is reason enough. We try to justify things and make them easier by coming up with logic for our actions, but basically, if you want to break up, that’s your reason. “Why are we breaking up?” “Because I want to.” “O.k. Have a nice life.”

When it comes down to it, all this adds up to him not being in love with me. I feel like if he loved me, all of this stuff would just be logistics. Little details we hammer out as we go. Things that you think, “Well, I’m afraid she’s going to leave, but I love her, so I can’t help myself. I have faith in her and us and I want to be with her and enjoy her for as long as I can.” Or “O.k., we don’t agree on religion, but I’m in love with her so I can respect her beliefs and work past our differences. And who cares what my mom says?”

I don’t think he loves me. It seemed like he did at some point and I’m not sure when that stopped, but he can’t possibly be in love with me and do this. During the conversation I heard a lot of “I like"s and no “I love”s. That’s my sign. If he doesn’t love me, if he can't even use the word in a conversation about our relationship, I don’t want to be with him.

At some point, the break-up became very altruistic for him. He said if he couldn't be all the way in the relationship, he didn’t want to waste any more of my time. He was setting me free for my own sake. I’m only 35, I’m smokin’ hot, I still have time to find the person who is right for me. Better for me than him.

I hate this part of a break-up. Don’t do this for my sake. You are tearing me apart. I’ll decide when it’s good for me, but right now it mostly just seems good for you. And I’m not interested in making you feel better by accepting the fact that you’re doing this for my own good. (I totally deserve this though, because I think I said the same basic things to my ex-fiance.)

Oddly, we talked about how people usually gravitate toward the same type of people and end up dating a certain type of person over and over. This is probably why subsequent marriages don't work out. Same issues, same personality flaws, different names. He then said I really wasn’t like his ex-wife. O.k. this seems like a reason to keep moving forward together, but no? I guess it’s no wonder he doesn’t want to be with me, he needs to find someone more like her to feel comfortable. I feel bad for him that he can’t break the chain and be with someone different.

As we were nearing the end of the conversation he did say he would really miss me in his life. And he kept saying that he knew he may be making a big mistake. I told him flat out that he was. But maybe mine isn’t the proper perspective on that.

He kept acting like he just wasn’t sure this was really what he wanted to do. I told him that if he’s done, he’s done. I’m not going to beg. He said he couldn’t say that he was done. He wasn’t sure this was the right thing.

I didn’t want there to be a glimmer of hope, so I ignored this.

One last tidbit. He actually said, “It’s not you, it’s me.” I thought he was making a cliché joke so I laughed at him. Big and loud. Bwahahaha!

Based on his reaction to that...I don’t think he was joking.

O.k. I think that’s it. I know this is a tome and I do apologize for the inelegance of my long-windedness. This post was difficult, but I’m glad I went through the exercise.

It’s like saying the same word over and over. Eventually it loses its meaning. The more I go over this night in my head, the less it means. I do feel like I’m getting further and further away from it. It’s starting to just feel like a story I tell. Even the notes I made the day after seem way more angry and bitter than I really am…most of the time.

Looks like I might get over this after all.

S: Friend Perspective

The following came from the friend of mine who introduced me to Guy in response to 1. What is going on (I think he was just catching up with my posts) and 2. My activities last night.

Begin quoted (with permission) message:

WTF? Ignore the next paragraph [edited out] if you don't want to be harangued with my overly officious meddling.

If that is the whole story and you are still sleeping with him, you are setting a bad example for ME. I realize it is fun, but jesus get a grip. I think you two would be great together, but "I'll hit you up for a booty call even though I don't think what we are doing is acceptable" or "you're fun to nail, but I wouldn't want to date you" are not healthy lead-ins to a long term relationship, or even for not becoming a cutter. You can't leverage sex to cause him to rethink his version of morality. I don't want to live your life for you, but I think you are far too great to relegate yourself to being a hollaback girl. [Guy] needs to grow up. I think he has it in him. You agreeing to sleep with him under a friends with benefits relationship is certainly not going to increase his maturity and/or your respect for the fantastic person you are.

These were good words to hear and have helped me keep my perspective today.

I don't intend to maintain any kind of FWB relationship with Guy. I know how I am and I know how bad that would be for me. And I don't feel like a hollaback girl (although it does seem as though I was) because I was having my needs met as much as he was. I knew the score. I knew I wasn't going to change anything with my actions. I'm not leveraging the sex to make him see things differently. I do know better than that. I know what nonsense it is for him to break up with me because our relationship is a bad example to his son but then continue to be physical outside of ANY kind of commitment.

But beyond that, my friend is right, if Guy is going come to any kind of realization, it's not going to be while he's getting the milk for free. We all know I'm not holding out hope or stopping my life to wait for any realizations, but perhaps I should think twice before I become the deterrent to any realizations.

The thing I also needed to hear was that this kind of behavior is cause for a loss of respect. The respect of my friends, Guy and myself. This is helpful to keep in mind when trying to stay strong and move on.

It's good to have friends who have your back and who will tell it like it is. Jane had her misgivings but promised no "I told you so"s. And this friend straight up called me out. Both reactions were honest and appropriate. And very much appreciated.

S: So Bad, But So Good

Please don't be ashamed of me, but I did a very naughty thing.

I went over to Guy's last night for an ill-advised Break-Up Booty Call (BUBC).

The good news is, I don't regret it. I don't feel badly about it at all. It hasn't given me any hope of getting back together. I never once thought that by going over there I could change his mind. And it gave us a chance to tell each other some of the things that have been on our minds since Thursday.

Oh, and it was VERY satisfying. V-E-R-Y. For both of us. He hasn't stopped telling me yet how appreciative he is.

O.k. so here's what happened...

On Sunday I was suddenly very much in need of some boyfriend-type attention. I was trying very hard to be good and not compromise my recovery.

BUT, I am a master at rationalization so I developed this theory that I have very few opportunities for a BUBC with Guy for the following reasons:

1. From about this point forward, for the sake of my own sanity, I must always assume he has moved on and is with someone. I got very burned by this once before. Assuming things were one way and then finding girl stuff in the bathroom. I was mortified and felt extremely foolish. So, to avoid this playing the fool thing, now that a few days have passed, I must always assume he is with someone new. I know full well he couldn't have moved that quickly (Although, I already have a date scheduled, don't I?), but if I don't assume now, when do I begin assuming? What's the magic date? There isn't one. I have to start now. But, figuring there would be a few safe days, there is a short window of opportunity for a good BUBC.

2. When only a few days into recovery, how far can one BUBC really set me back? I mean, 2 months from now it could send me into a tailspin and put my playing piece back on "Start." But right now? Oh no! I'm back where I was on Friday! Egads! How will I ever recover?! The risk is worth the two days of my life I may have to relive. Believe me, the num-nums are that good.

3. I still haven't forgotten what it's like to be with him. As you know, I have developed this theory that the only way to ever have a physical relationship with anyone else is to forget what it is like with Guy. So, having a BUBC next January will probably be a bad idea, because maybe my memory will have gotten hazy by then. Right now, I still know and I don't intend to get involved with anyone any time soon, so why not?

The next thing I rationalized was that a BUBC would be o.k. for me mentally because I know absolutely, without a doubt that me going over to Guy's for some adult time would not change his mind about the situation. Nor would it give me hope that we would get back together. We aren't going to get back together. So it's o.k. to get my needs met if he's willing. At least for now (see above reasons about the timing of a non-injurious BUBC).

There. Done. It's Sunday night, I'm randy and I'm fully prepared to handle a BUBC. But I couldn't actually ask for it. I knew he would be receptive after Friday's text convo, but I was still trying to behave myself. Plus, I want to keep my distance as best I can because he should miss me. So I held out. Late on Sunday I texted that the whole no sex thing really sucked. But that was it. No request. Just an indication that I missed our fun stuff.

By the time I climbed in bed, I had not heard anything back. At that point, all I really wanted was someone to commiserate with. I wanted him to be going through the same thing I was. I didn't need an invitation, I just needed validation.

When I woke up yesterday, the validation was waiting for me. He had replied a couple of hours later with "Yes it does. I cannot agree more." Good answer. Exactly what I needed to hear.

Since I didn't get the message until morning and it had satisfied my communication need (and, I'm a goof so I wanted to leave it as the message that appeared with his name in my list of texts), I didn't respond. Again, trying to keep my distance. Helpful for moving on and getting past that "I hope it's him" new message ding reaction.

Once again, very late last night, after I was already in bed, here came a message from him. He wanted to know if there was something wrong with the last message he sent. I replied that there wasn't at all anything wrong with it. He said he was surprised I hadn't responded.

Excellent job keeping your distance, Sheila.

I explained that it was because I hadn't seen the message until the next day. And then a conversation started up about how we were both feeling certain urges. Urges that could not be satisfactorily handled on a solo basis. And then I explained to him my BUBC theory and how I have to assume he's seeing someone from now on. Then more chat about urges.

Then he mentioned that after I shot him down on Friday, he hesitates to suggest a BUBC. I told him Friday was not a good day but that I'm not so worried about the effects of a BUBC now. And then more mention of urges. And his adorable, "SO, what are you saying?"

I told him I was heading over to use him for his body and bedroom skills. Which was true.

Wow, did we ever have a good time. I thought it might be weird being with him knowing that he wasn't in love with me, but it wasn't. Everything was urgent and passionate, but also caring and tender and meaningful. It didn't feel like a booty call. It felt like two people helping each other deal with something.

I stayed over, because that's also one of the good parts, but didn't sleep much. I hate to miss out on what limited time I have with him. And it meant round 2 in the morning. Equally as good. And with no tinge of sadness like there was on the morning after we broke up.

This morning, I feel good. I thought I might feel bad about it, you know, like after you eat that very delicious piece of chocolate cake and are then filled with self-loathing for your weakness afterwards. But I didn't. What I found out is that I can think about seeing him and be in the same room with him and leave him without feeling sad. It was refreshing to go over there and not feel an emotional charge.

We had a chance to talk about some things. And I got to hear words that made me feel better. BUT, did not give me false hope. I know he misses me and cares about me, but he didn't say he loved me. So no illusions there.

He asked if I had a date scheduled yet, because of course, he knew I was planning to get back in the game, and I had to tell him about Mr. 21. He found it amusing and had some fun with "I told you so" in reference to me getting hit on by guys. And then later he told me he felt a little threatened by this dude, even though he had no right to. Very satisfying.

I told him that I missed Guy from last Spring who was in love with me. He said he missed him too. That he was happier. He said he was probably losing the best thing he ever had. I told him he still had a choice (by this time I have said numerous times throughout the night that I knew we wouldn't be getting back together). He said he was sure he had burned my affection for him. I disagreed, but then he made reference to my use of the term "booty call." Then there was a long silence and, from him, "Damn divorce."

This, to me, indicated that what is really going on is his lack of faith in the relationship. Any relationship. This trust issue he talks about. He ended it because he's sure that we're going to get elbow deep in it and then I'm going to change my mind and leave him. Destroying him in the process. And putting his son through another loss as well. This is not news to me. It's something he has talked about from the beginning.

I've never known how to combat it. I can't predict the future. And yet, I feel more than willing and able to work through anything that comes along. But I can't answer the "how long until it's over" question because, based on my own experience, I too don't have much faith in forever. I want to though.

But, it doesn't matter. I don't have to combat it now. He ended it. He decided that was the best path to take. I just wish I knew if it was the trust thing that got in the way of the love or if the love is what would help develop the trust.

Anyway, the point of this is that I opened a window of working it out and he didn't go through it. He had a chance to say he wanted to hold on to the "best thing he ever had" and he couldn't. So, that's my sign. No reason to hope for getting back together. The BUBC confirms that. Thank you BUBC.

Oh, and I mentioned to him my concerns about getting over the best sex ever and he told me I was his best too. That made me feel good. I'm glad I got to hear that.

Later, when I'm all messed up over this, you can hit the comment button and say you knew I would regret it and I shouldn't have, but for right now, it seems like it wasn't such a bad thing to have done after all.

S: Letter to Self

Inspired by an episode of How I Met Your Mother (sorry, can't find the clip online, but it was a good one), I wrote my future self a letter with all the reasons why I absolutely do not want to get back together with Guy. I thought this would be a good exercise, and it did help a little.

Then I thought it would be a good idea to post it. That way I would be more likely to hold myself to it, should the need to make a choice arise.

But I don't have the heart to do it. I can't post all the negative things that should make me not want to be with him. Why? Because I still love him. And even if those things were true, and not just angry, bitter over-dramatizations of reality, they aren't deterrents. Because I love him over, through and past them. Every one of the reasons ends with a silent, "But I love him."

Suck.

This is the difference between us right now. He does not feel the same way about me. If he did, a silent "But I love her" would have followed all of his reasons for breaking up with me last Thursday night. It was not there. Which is reason numero uno on my list.

Super suck.

S: Question of the Day...Warning TMI

Stop reading if knowing about other people's sex lives bothers you. This is way TMI, but it's part of what I'm going through and needs to be shared.

The question that has been going through my head, especially now that it's been a few days (if you know what I mean...wink wink, nudge nudge) is how the Hell do you get past the best sex you've ever had?

How do you get past the anxiety that nobody else will ever measure up (wow, sorry for the poor choice of words)? That you will find someone great who turns out to be a dud in bed compared to Mr. Stallion.

This concerns me. I almost don't ever want to sleep with another person because Guy and I were so great together in that department. He always said I was fantastic, but I'm convinced that was because of him. He was amazing.

He always made me feel safe and sexy and capable of satisfying his needs. I had no fear of trying things. I had no self-consciousness. And I had many many many orgasms. He could go and go and go. And always made sure I was well taken care of.

Sure, it took us a little time to figure each other out. I had to learn that his "No" almost always meant "Yes." That I should never leave him unsatisfied, even if he insisted that he was fine. But it didn't take long to hit our stride. We were enough for each other almost immediately. And then, we learned what the other responded to, but never got in a rut. There were the things that always worked and then there were new and different things almost all the time. We both enjoyed finding new ways to get a reaction and we never felt like anything was taboo.

It was the most open and comfortable physical relationship I've ever had. I've always been kind of frightened by my sexuality and that disappeared with him very early on. I never felt ugly or dirty or ashamed. Sex was always about love and respect and making each other feel unbelievably great.

And now it's over. And I don't know if I will ever find his match. I mean, the guy knew what he was doing. I'm terrible at giving instructions and I was lucky that I rarely ever had to make suggestions with him.

How do I find this again? It's not something you can really ask about. It's not something you can identify prior to actually being intimate. What happens if I find someone I really care about and with whom I want to express my feelings physically and after the first time realize that he doesn't satisfy me very well in that way? How evil would it be to have sex once and then walk away because it wasn't very good? Conversely, how awful is it to go through life knowing you can be satisfied, but that the one who can do it doesn't want to be with you?

Maybe it's true that when you're in love with someone the sex is great because it means something on a deeper level. Maybe it's true that you can teach your partner how to satisfy you. Maybe it's true that sex just doesn't matter that much in the long run.

I can only hope.

At this point, my theory is that if I go without sex long enough, I will forget what it was like. So, I just won't sleep with anyone else until I've forgotten what it was like with Guy. This will work in 2 ways. 1. I won't remember how it was, so the next fellow won't have to worry about comparisons. 2. It will have been so long that just about anything will probably satisfy me.

Either way, whoever the next guy is, I hope he's out there practicing right now because the bar has been set pretty high. And fortunately, I'm flexible enough to reach it.

J: Mr Coulda-been August

I was supposed to have my August date this morning.

Last Sunday I wrote to him letting him know that the next Sunday morning (today) would work with my schedule. He said that it would work for him as well and then asked if I could handle waiting a week to meet him. (Yes…he actually said that!) I wrote back, something silly about how it’s been 34 years and I’ve managed this long and I thought I’d probably make it, but it might be tough. I even added a winky face to show that I was joking in response to his completely lame joke. And then asked where/what time he had in mind.

Annnnd….(crickets chirping).

As of late yesterday, I hadn’t heard a word from him. With less than 12 hours before the morning that we were supposed to get together, and no return email…no details regarding meeting time or location, I figured that it wouldn’t be happening.

So, I sent a message saying “Haven’t heard back from you about place or time so I’ll assume that tomorrow doesn’t work for you afterall. Hope you have success in your online quest”.
Not 20 minutes later I got a message back saying “Sorry, I’ve been busy. Call me in the morning and we can work something out.”

Uhhh…no thanks.

So, I didn’t respond until 10:30ish this morning when my response was that since I hadn’t heard from him, I’d made other plans. His response back was “No worries…maybe another time?” (Seriously? “No worries”? Was I the one who needed to apologize?)

I’m not a firm follower of “The Rules” but I do believe that setting up the date at least a little bit ahead of time is a sign of interest…and respect as well.

I wasn’t really looking forward to this date anyways. I am half way through the month but I’m not worrying about it too much. I guess I’ll play it by ear, see how the rest of the month goes and if no other dates turn up, I’ll give this guy another chance. But I’m really, really hoping someone better shows up in the next 15 days. Honestly, I think all along, I've still been pinning a lot of hope on Mr. July's friend...

I’ll just have to get started on the new search for Mr. August. And maybe give Mr. July a call...

S: The Afterlife

Even still riding high on the amusement of being asked out by a 21-year-old last night, I am not in a good frame of mind today.

I miss Guy. A lot. I am having a very difficult time shaking the "maybe now that he's had some time to think he'll realize he loves me and I'm what he wants and call me so we can talk" feeling. Again, I'm not sure there is anything to be done about it but to let time pass. Which is frustrating, because if there were something I could do, I would do it.

It's just so hard when I feel like we should be together. When it seems so wrong to be apart. I keep thinking he should realize that I'm right and we belong together and the rest is just logistics that we can figure out.

I blame the movies. They make us believe in the happy endings. They make us imagine that we'll go through a break-up montage and spend some time apart and then the other person will suddenly realize they were wrong and then run to us as fast as they can to tell us so.

I've been through this before. I know it doesn't happen. I was with someone once who I thought I was going to be with forever. I "knew." (By the way, I have a whole "knowing" rant I need to get out of my head, and you will be the lucky receiver.) He had been love at first sight. We broke up suddenly and randomly one night and it felt very wrong to me. We spent a month apart and then got back together.

Mistake.

We spent another year together and then...bam...there we were breaking up again suddenly and randomly. And for good. It took me years and years to get over him. In fact, there are times when part of me still thinks we will run into each other someday and rekindle...because we are supposed to be together. Despite the fact that he is happily married and living nowhere near me.

Anyway, we obviously weren't meant to be together. (Even though I "knew.") And nobody realized anything and came running. We didn't end up together after all. There wasn't a Hollywood ending. There never is.

What's happening to me now feels very familiar. I'm feeling the same feelings for Guy right now that I felt for Mr. The First back then. So history dictates that we will not end up together. And we shouldn't even try. So why can't I shake this feeling? Why can't I stop hoping for him to call? Why can't I just move on? Why does this have to make me so damn sad?

And, most of all, why did I let myself get involved when I knew better in the first place?

S: August Date...Check!

Ok, I really have no idea how I do it. But it feels good. I'm not going to deny that.

I just made a date for next week. Which covers my August obligation (as soon as I pay my "buy back in" money to the piggy bank).

Here's the fun part...not only did I arrange a date a mere 2 days after being set free by Guy (who was afraid of wasting any more of my time), the date is with a 21-year-old.

That's right, your eyes do not deceive you. I have a date with someone, count 'em, 14 years my junior. This beats the age record set by the guy I spent a year with who was 11 years younger than I. He just turned 24 and is old meat compared to Mr. August.

This just makes me laugh.

I couldn't convince him that I wasn't lying about my age. I finally had to show him my ID, and even then he couldn't believe it. He said I was very hot. He wasn't so bad himself. All young and in fantastic shape.

This is how it went down, much to my surprise...

I went out tonight to spend some time with a good friend of mine. We have a tradition of going to the same concert every year and this was the weekend for that. I wanted to flirt with boys, but it was slim pickin's where we were. And I spent most of the time missing Guy. (I did get inspired to find out what the relationship status of a certain fine looking piano player I know casually is. If he's not seeing anyone, I must find a way to make him a month.)

My friend had to get home kind of early, but I wasn't ready to call it a night, so I texted a friend who I knew was planning to be out tonight. She was indeed out and demanded that I join. Well who am I to go against her orders?

We had a few drinks at a place that was full of snotty chicks with purses and fancy shoes. Nobody seemed to be having fun. I even tried to flirt with a table of guys, but they were actually mean to me. Despite all the negative vibes, there was one fellow who was pretty much asking everyone to dance. I danced with him for the Hell of it and he kept telling me how beautiful I was. This is good to hear when you've just been dumped. No matter how odd the chap saying it is.

Next, we moved on to a place downtown for some dancing. It was hot and we were all sweaty, but still we danced our patoots off. At some point, a young fellow told me I had the best hair in the bar.

More flattery! I feel better already.

Then, after we had been there for a while and I was thinking I was going to take off, these guys suddenly descended upon us. More dancing. The kind they would not have allowed at your Homecoming dance. This is where 21 comes into the picture. He was one of the guys in the group, and apparently he had picked me. He started dancing with me immediately. In a rather naughty, and very fun, way. At some point, he said something about being in school and that made me curious about his age. I asked. And choked. And then he wanted to know mine, but I wouldn't tell him.

He said I looked 22. I think I love him.

Finally I told him and he didn't believe me. God bless 'im.

We went to another place for more dancing where he tried to kiss me. I stopped him. He said I was confusing him. I told him it was just dancing tonight. It's safer that way. He didn't quite understand, but I stuck to my guns and he respected my boundaries. Just dancing. Nothing personal.

At bar close, he wanted to know where we were going next and he wanted my number. I told him I was headed home and gave him my digits. Hey...why not? I need a date for August.

He texted a short time later so I would have his digits and then asked if I wanted to hang out again. I asked if he wanted to take me out and he said he did. So we made a date for next Friday. I find myself suddenly available on the weekends, so why not go out? Beats sitting at home waiting for some hot guy I'm in love with to change his mind about me.

I'm not dense. I know this isn't going to go anywhere or turn into anything, but the guy asked me out, seems silly to decline when I need a date to get back in the game. And he thinks I'm sexy (the sexiest girl in the bar...direct quote) for my age and look like I'm 22. I have to give him at least one date. He's so good with the compliments.

He said the date was up to me, so I suggested dinner and games at one of those arcade/bar places or dinner and a movie and told him he had to choose. He decided it was late and we should figure it out tomorrow. Worked for me. I guess we'll find out his choice tomorrow. And then I have to figure out what I'm going to do on a date with a 21-year-old. Who isn't Guy.

But, hey...I have a date for August. With a 21-year-old. I can't stop laughing about it.

Eat your heart out, Guy.