An update on the situation in Sheila’s world is way overdue. Things have been changing quickly and just when I think I’m going to sit down and tell you what’s been going on, the information is outdated. My world is like microchip technology. Without the clean rooms.
I think the best way to organize this update, since it feels like my perspective changes with the days of the week, is to just go through this day by day. I’ll do my best to be brief, but I think we all know how that's going to go. You may want to split up and just read one day at a time. Let's not let our lives go to waste for the sake of my drama or anything.
Get ready. And we're off!
Friday
Friday I was not doing that well. I had been feeling anxious all week. Not just mentally, but physically. Very regularly I was getting this strong feeling of being nervous for no reason. It was starting to disturb me.
I knew that my friend was planning to have lunch with Guy, at which time he was going to attempt to find out how he was feeling about things and maybe talk some sense into him. Without trying to meddle or make him feel like he was sent by me to orchestrate anything. This had me on the edge of my seat all day, just waiting to hear how it went.
So, that afternoon, I hiked over to my friend’s office to see how it had gone, because I certainly wasn’t getting anything else accomplished. His overall report was that he didn’t find out much. He got more of the same story about the trust issues and the concern over me changing my mind and leaving him in a few years. He tried to pepper the conversation with wisdom that would hopefully sink in and convince Guy not to let this be a mistake, but who knows what got through.
What I did learn from this was that Guy was not angry with me after our conversation on Sunday. At least, that’s how it sounded. His attitude seemed to match what I was getting from him pre-phone call. There was no, “I don’t ever want to talk her again after that.” But there was also no, “I think we should get back together. Could you talk to her and see if she wants to talk to me?” So, I still had no firm idea of what he was thinking. Just, “I may regret this down the road.”
Dude, if you’re going to regret it, then fix it.
I thought I was feeling better Friday. I had just started to feel more like myself, but after I didn’t have any real answers, I started to feel worse. I got home that evening and just couldn’t motivate myself to do anything. I was too sad and confused and anxious. I didn’t know what I should do next. And I was so tired of wondering and being obsessed.
So I had a good cry and went to bed early. Like…really early. Golden Girls early. It felt good.
Saturday
I woke up feeling way better. I was finally feeling more like myself. Like single Sheila…who enjoys being on her own. I identify so strongly with being single (hence the "spinster" designation) and I was finally getting back to feeling like me.
And, beyond that, I knew what I had to do. I wasn’t going to wait for Guy to contact me any longer. I had been trying to hold out. To make him take the risk to reach out to me. But I know him. I knew he was thinking that after our conversation he couldn’t reach out to me. He was thinking that I didn’t want to hear from him. He didn't know what to say or if he could say anything at all.
So I, having gotten fed up with wondering how he was feeling, and feeling confident and secure in my singlehood, reached out to him. Even though I didn’t feel like I had anything to say to him, I wanted to know if we were speaking or not. And, more than that, I wanted him to know it was o.k. for him to contact me if he wanted to. I needed to get back to that place. The place where we didn’t have tension between us.
I texted him simply with “Are we on speaking terms?” Again, not that I really had anything to say to him, I just needed to know.
A very short time later he responded with “sure.” But then, a few minutes later he sent another text saying, “yes.” I’m not sure why the double affirmative other than maybe he felt like the “sure” was too non-committal. Too “whatever.”
I told him that was good and that I just hadn’t been sure how things were left on Sunday. At which point he responded that he was sorry for not saying anything but he didn’t know how to follow up the conversation. He then said that he knew I had moved on and he didn’t know what to say.
Called it! He never said anything because he didn’t know what to say and he thought that I didn’t want to hear from him.
He then sent another text telling me that he is always willing to “text, email, talk, etc." with me. With a winkyface. “Etcetera” huh? Nice.
My response to that was that the same was true for me and again, I let him know that “moved on” is not exactly what has happened yet. Still I’m concerned that if he’s convinced himself that I’m done with him, even if he thinks he wants to give this another shot, he won’t. It’s not that I’m purposely not moving on, but right now, there’s still a chance for this and I don’t want his misreading of the situation to get in the way of that.
That was the end of the conversation. This was perfectly fine with me. All I wanted to do was to let him know he could talk to me. Mission accomplished.
And then, hours later, he randomly texted me about his plans for the afternoon. I’m not sure why. So I would know he was going to be out of pocket and not answering messages? Or did he send the message to the wrong person? I didn’t know, but I responded, so as not to be rude. And we had a casual conversation.
O.k., so now we are conversing about insignificant things. Like two people in a relationship. Without drama. He wants to stay in touch. That’s what I get from that. Fine by me. I like being in touch. And I like that he wants to stay in touch.
And yet, I’m still feeling good about being single and moving forward. I’m not feeling like I need to work towards some eventual back togetherness. If he asks, for now there’s a shot, if he doesn’t, I’m cool with getting back on the horse. And, in the meantime, it's nice to have someone to chit chat with.
Later that day, after the random, trivial conversation had continued, I was making noise about not having the right tools to open up my lawn mower so I could figure out why it wasn’t working quite right. So he offered to lend me what I needed.
I was not expecting this. And what I understood from this was him giving me a reason to see him.
Interesting. And good.
His offer was for me to pick the tools up or for him to bring them by. I felt like I couldn’t make him bring me tools that I was borrowing, so I said I would come get them. (Ok, this would also mean I would have to return them at some point and I wanted to have that excuse. I know how to work it.) Then we had to determine when this exchange would happen. He was open to that night or Sunday and I decided that Saturday night would be better.
1. We wouldn’t have to try to coordinate a busy Sunday schedule.
2. I had much yard work to do Sunday and I didn’t want to go over to his place looking ick.
3. Saturday night seemed like it would offer more time to invite me inside to talk.
We worked out the timing, I made sure I looked cute so he would see what he was missing and headed over there. I wasn’t sure what would go down, but I was hoping it would be more than grab and go. I really wanted to talk to him. I felt like there was still a lot to be said between us.
He was happy to see me when I arrived. It was a little weird not to hug or anything, but the welcome was warm. It felt like we were both wondering how the other would react and if the exchange would be longer than just: "Here are the tools you need." "O.k., thanks, bye."
Fortunately, we needed to look through his tools to pull out more options, so that gave us both a reason to stick around and ease into the meeting. And, based on something he said later, it gave him more time to smell my hair.
The tool exchange having been completed, he got up the nerve to ask if I wanted to stick around and chat for a bit. I accepted. And so we did. We caught up on our lives over the last two weeks. We talked about Sunday’s conversation and the week after it. We talked about a lot of things. He told me he missed me. He missed just having me around. He missed the way I said “hello” every time I came over. He missed how I smelled.
It became very clear to me that he still has feelings for me but he hasn’t yet come to the decision that those feelings are worth the risk of what could happen at the end. He still seemed really unsure about the choice he had made, and yet, he was still very obviously stuck on this fear of going through what he went through after his divorce. I tried to encourage him, but I really wasn’t sure what to say.
It was a good talk. I felt like I was able to say things to him that I wish I had said before. And there was no tension or animosity. It was a good night. In fact, there was a lot of spark going on. It felt like when we were first dating again. Both of us not exactly knowing what steps to take, wondering what the other is thinking.
At some point he asked if he could give me a hug because he had wanted to hug me when I got there but he didn't think he could. I said yes. It was a good hug.
The conversation came to its natural end, but it was clear neither of us wanted the evening to be over. So, again taking the initiative, he asked if I wanted to watch a movie. I did. And we did. He also asked if I wanted to help him get rid of the bottle of champagne he’s had in his fridge for months. He is so not smooth, but it sounded like fun so, why not. I knew full well where this was going. And I wanted it to go there, so I gave in.
We sat on the couch and watched a movie. And laughed. And felt all the “ooh, his/her arm is touching mine” and “should I scoot closer” and “where is this going to lead” electricity you would feel early in a relationship.
And then there was tickling. This is classic Guy signaling for wanting to be physical but not being sure how to get there and trying to keep it safe at first.
And then there was kissing. More electricity. Excellent, good, comfortable, exciting kissing.
O.k., yes, fine…I spent the night. I’m not ashamed. I wanted to. It didn’t feel wrong, it felt right. It wasn’t a booty call, it was two people who still really care about each other trying to find out if they can or should stay close. It was amazing. And I have no regrets.
Sunday
It was excellent to wake up at Guy’s. And it was so obvious that he didn’t want me to leave. He was very cute and very sweet. But the day had to start for both of us and off I had to go.
I had things to do, so it felt o.k. to leave. It didn’t feel like I was leaving forever. But it also didn’t feel like we were back together. The night had been what it was and now it was a different day. And I was happy to just go on being single Sheila.
Maybe because it was obvious that he wasn’t ready to let me go. Maybe it was because I now had the feeling that he needed me more than I needed him. Maybe it was because I had gotten to say the things I wanted to say. Or maybe it was because things felt the way they had felt in the beginning of our relationship before Guy had started to freak himself out.
I didn’t drive away feeling like he wanted to get back together. But I did drive away with the feeling that he was going to think about it. That we still had a few bends in our road.
My plan at this point was to just go about my business and carry on with my life and wait for him to come to me.
And, shortly after I got home, I received a message asking me if it was o.k. if he came to my house that evening, provided his ex made it home from her trip in time to take his son for the night. I told him I would like that. Mostly hoping he wanted to talk, but not really knowing what he had in mind.
I spent the day getting things taken care of at home, waiting to hear if we would be seeing each other. But not having a strong desire either way. I had plenty to do to keep me busy, so if he came over, great, if not, no big deal. I was feeling good.
Finally I had to know whether or not he would be coming so I could figure out what I was doing for the night, so I sent a message. He texted that he would have to stay home with his son. And then asked what I had planned for the evening.
I responded that I wasn’t sure what my plan was and that I was going to eat and ponder. He asked what I was pondering. And then I felt stupid because it occurred to me that I had been pondering whether or not to go to his place when, really, he hadn’t asked me to come over. I told him this and he apologized and said of course I was invited over.
Hmmm…he wanted me to come over. And I wanted more of what we had on Saturday night. All of it, not just the naughty stuff. So, as a rationalization for going over there a second time, I decided that it was very important that I return his tools to him right away.
We exchanged a couple of more messages and then he called because we were getting into dangerous, misinterpreted texts zone. He said he wasn’t pressuring me to come over, he just wondered what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted to sit and talk and watch a movie again. He agreed that that was also what he wanted to do. Besides, I had to get those tools back in case he needed them.
Over I went. Only this time it felt more like just normal us. There was still some “how should I act” electricity, but we were more comfortable. He asked again if it was o.k. to hug and kiss me and I allowed it. We talked about our days, but didn’t get into the relationship zone, which, as it turns out, was where I had hoped to go. But I didn’t push. Too soon to push. We snuggled on the couch and watched a movie a friend had recommended to us. A movie I had been avoiding watching since we broke up because I knew we were supposed to have watched it together and I couldn't stand the thought of watching it alone.
He asked if I wanted to stay. I couldn’t help myself. I did. This time it felt a little more like a bad idea, but he was still being so sweet and loving and staying close still seemed like the thing to do.
It was a good night.
Well, except for one small exchange. Shortly after we climbed in bed, I told him we weren’t very good at being broken up and he said with mock innocence, “What? It’s just two friends in bed…kissing.”
The “f” word felt very very very bad. It hurt. I did not like the sound of it at all. So I told him it sounded like a dirty word. He apologized. And then we went on with our magic. Feeling not at all like friends.
Monday
Another morning during which it was clear that he did not want me to go. His actions are not those of a man who is just interested in sex. He likes having me around. He’s not ready to let go.
But Monday is a work day, so reality must be met head-on. Time to rush away and get on with life. This time not knowing when we would see each other next.
Once again, I received a text shortly after I got home. There wasn’t much to it, but it was him reaching out to me soon after I left. Wanting to keep the connection.
We texted randomly throughout the day, just like when we were together. Nothing big or Earth shattering, just staying connected.
In the evening I had a lot to get done that I had neglected on Sunday night, so I busied myself catching up with my list. I knew I would hear from him and I knew I was determined not to go over. My plan is to not give in this week. To let him miss me. It’s time to step back and let him be on his own and want me around. He needs to really figure out what's better, with me or without me.
It’s also time to get myself prepared for the “shit or get off the pot” conversation.
I still REALLY want him to choose “shit.”
Romantic, yes?
And then early in the evening, a message. Guy reaching out to stay connected and see what I was doing that night. Doing his best to let me know what he was up to so I would know I could come over. It was so obvious. And so cute. And so flattering.
We spent the evening text flirting. He really is adorable when he’s trying to get sex.
But this time, that’s what it felt like. He wanted me to come sleep over so we could be close and have sex, but not talk and get to a less confusing place in our relationship. So it was easy to resist. Mostly. I mean, for me it’s difficult to be wanted by someone and not just give in and make them happy. Especially when I so badly want him back.
I tried to keep it light and flirtatious and not get into “no sexytime without a relationship” territory, because that’s a long conversation that I want to have in person. And it is too soon to pressure him. He is still unsure. Better to keep him wanting me and having fun.
Eventually he started making the hard sell, so I had to respond that he knows I would love to spend the time with him but that I can’t get in the habit of doing girlfriend stuff. “You fired me from that job.”
His reply was, “Gotcha. Your loss. Have a great night, beautiful.”
My loss? Ouchie. I tried to take it lightly, but that stung a little bit. I don’t think he meant it to and I think it was his reaction to feeling rejected by me, but it hurt ever-so-slightly.
I took a deep breath, got over it and responded with, “No sweetie…your loss. (smiley face…to keep it light). Sleep well.”
Then, the more I thought about it, I started to become a little annoyed that he expected me to go over there. I knew he didn’t have his son with him and he had not at all offered to come to me. He had expected me to come to him for his out-of-relationship booty call. Silly man.
A short time after I thought that, he sent a message saying that he had just realized his mistake…he should have just driven to my place. I told him it would be hard to resist a handsome man on my doorstep. And then he said he was on his way.
I asked if he was serious. He said he was thinking about it but that I had shot him down already.
Now I really had to stop myself. I wanted him to come over so badly. The fact that he realized he should come to me made me want him even more. The fact that he so clearly wanted to be with me made me want to satisfy his need to stay close.
But I simply CAN NOT be friends with benefits. I have to give him space to miss me and decide if I’m worth the risk of heart break. I can’t just let him have part of “us.” I need him to want the whole thing.
So I told him I was torn. That I wanted him and I wanted him to want me but that I’m afraid of becoming friends with benefits. That more than anything I want to be special to him. He replied that I am special to him and that he understands and respects what I was saying. Then…good night.
I responded by thanking him for telling me I am special to him and for understanding. I reiterated that I don’t want to just become someone he sleeps with. That I love being with him but I still want the whole thing. And ended with “To me, you are worth the risk of an all-in relationship.”
Tuesday
He has not responded.
I assume that he did not see the message last night. And it is my theory that he has been too busy to really respond today. He would not just ignore it. And yet, he has not spent the day trying to maintain a connection like he has done since Saturday.
I’m not sure how he’s feeling after my rejection of sex. Probably disappointed. Maybe embarrassed. He really hates and fears being rejected. I’m hoping he’s not frustrated with me. I mean, it’s not fair of him to expect me to sleep with him, even if I have in the past. But it could be frustrating and confusing. And if he is feeling frustrated, I know he knows it isn’t right and it could be making him not know what to say.
I’m curious about what will happen this evening. Will he reach out again or is he feeling gun shy after last night? Did my message get him thinking about things being worth the risk? Does he think I want to be left alone again?
Who knows? I’m not sure what my next move is. I need to stay quiet if he stays quiet. As much as I don’t want to be confused by him, I don’t want to confuse him either. It would be abusive of me to sometimes sleep with him and then suddenly decide he can’t have me. It would be the same as him breaking up with me and then being upset at my moving on. I would be doing the same push and pull as he was doing to me a couple of weeks ago.
As much as I want to see him and be with him again, waiting and patience are key.
The next big step is a conversation about whether or not he wants me in his life.
Because, tomorrow is September and I definitely MUST move on in September. I’m going to have to have a date with someone. I don’t know how I’m going to make that happen, but the fact is that it has to happen. And it will happen. But it will be tough for both of us if we haven’t established where we are with each other. Damage will be done.
The question is, when will be the right time to have the conversation?
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