J: Don't wanna. Not gonna.

I was asked out for a cup of coffee to “catch up” via facebook by a guy that haven’t seen in over a year.

Unfortunately, I literally can’t stand the guy. Since the day we first met, something about him has always just rubbed me the wrong way.

Despite that, my first thought was “Maybe June?”

Whaaaa?

Huh?

No. No. NO!

I’m a bit horrified that I even considered it, even for the sake of this challenge. No!

I could barely bring myself to respond to his initial “hi, how’s things” message with a “life’s good, busy but good”. And I only responded that way after two weeks went by in order to avoid being rude, and only then because he POKED me on face book. Poked me! I HATE the facebook poke. Hate it!

If that little bit of interaction annoyed me, I know for a fact that a discussion that lasted just the length of a cup of coffee would make me want to poke my own eyeballs out. Why would I even CONSIDER him for a date? WHY?

I realize that telling you all of this shows my "ugly" just a bit. The reason I'm even bringing it up is because my initial reaction has made me question my motivation in regards to this challenge. Is it just about a monthly date quota or is it about meeting someone that I could actually have a long-term relationship with?

Initially I said that I would go out with anyone that asks me. ANYONE. After all, you never know who you might be completely but surprisingly drawn to.

Now I see the error in that plan. I think that I still need to be open to meeting all kinds of people. But…if I am 100% sure that we’re not compatible, then why waste either of our time?

So…I haven’t responded and don’t plan to respond. I guess I am hoping that if I take the chicken way out and ignore the request it will just go away. Maybe it’s not the best way to handle it, but I really have no desire to open up any further communication with this guy.

J: "Ballsy"

Finally…after 24 very long hours, I was able to catch up with the friend who initially introduced me to Mr. April and quiz her about the conversation she had with him over the weekend. She said that he was enthusiastic about the date and that he had said that it went well and that he had a really great time.

He also told her that I had asked him out initially, (which she pretended like she didn’t already know…good girl friend that she is!)

His exact comment about me initiating the date was that I was “ballsy” and that he had really “liked that”.

Since the ask, I’ve been struggling a bit with the fact that I went against what all of the dating books say to do by being the pursuer and not waiting to be chased. Granted, I had a quota to meet. And to his credit, this guy quickly picked up the reins right after I let him know that I wanted to go out…but I still had to be the one to get the ball rolling.

I think that it’s easy for these dating books to generalize what “guys want.“ But since every person is different, no one way can ALWAYS be the one way that works. And after my conversation with the mutual friend, I realized that it actually worked really well when I went against what all the books say.

Even “H”, our buddy from down under, has confirmed that in his opinion, it’s perfectly fine for a girl to be the one to ask the guy out.

I must admit that I’ve also been reveling a bit in being called “ballsy” since that’s one word that I would probably never choose to use as a label for myself. However, there is a little ballsy bit of my personality that peeks out every now and again. And I must say, it feels REALLY good to have my ballsy-ness recognized and appreciated.

This has also made me realize that if I had done what every single dating book says, I would never have asked him out.

I would not have had an April date.

I would owe $10 to the pot for missing a month.

And worst of all, it’s entirely possible that I never would have gotten to go out with Mr. April on an actual date and I would never have gotten to know how really fantastic he is.

And in my mind, that would have been truly unfortunate.

Which now begs the question…what else have all those dating books gotten wrong?

J: A Sunflower

My second date with Mr. April was FANTASTIC…and definitely a 'date'!

By his suggestion, we met at a really nice restaurant in my part of town…not a part generally known for it’s great date spots. Also, an area of town far, far away from his area of town.

When I showed up, he was already there, waiting at the bar. He gave me a big hug and handed me a sunflower. A SUNFLOWER! Not a rose, not a carnation, not a tulip or a wildflower or an orchid. A sunflower! How sweet, how thoughtful, how….perfect!

Dinner was fantastic! I’ve been to that restaurant a number of times, but just for lunch. Dinner at the same spot felt very different…more fancy, more intimate, more luxurious and completely delicious. Dinner took a couple of hours and the conversation and laughter flowed. When we finally left, we took a bit of a walk that ended up in a grassy area. We sat down in the middle of it and chatted some more.

Several hours later, we were still talking, but by then we were laying on our backs, watching the stars and the clouds cross the sky.

There was no hand holding, there was no kiss at the end of the date but there was a certain closeness and intimacy in our conversation. If I’m being honest, I’m a little relieved that the physical stuff didn‘t happen on that date. The night was PERFECT, just as it was.

We get along so well. I enjoy talking with him, I enjoy his perspective and his views on everything we talked about. I just enjoy being with him. It’s so…easy.

There are still a couple of lingering issues. And honestly, while they’re not a big deal right now, in the long term, (if there's a long term) they could turn pretty big.

As of the day of our date, he no longer has a job. He decided that he can’t work in a cube environment so he gave notice and quit. With no back up plan. But, he is looking for something new now and talked about wanting to find something that will let him be creative while still paying the bills. It’s scary, though, to think about the long term. I would love to do the same thing, myself, but I have a mortgage to pay.

From what I can tell, I think that he’s really struggling right now to find his passion and his real place in the work world. In the past, I’ve dated guys in a similar place. It’s tough…really, really tough. Especially since I’ve found my place and am making decent money on my own. From our initial conversations though, it sounds like his isn’t really a motivation issue so much as a struggle to find a meaningful way to spend his days. He’s actually searching for that next job. And in the meantime, he’s not just sitting around idle. He’s keeping his days full, volunteering with various groups: Habitat for Humanity, his church’s homeless shelter ministry, etc. Which I respect.

There also was the issues of him not having a car. With all of that discussion, we didn’t actually talk about the “why” behind the no-car way of life. That conversation will happen on another day. But isn’t there something also to respect about someone who can figure out his way around town without the expense & hassle & debt usually involved in owning a vehicle?

I’m also kindof thinking his suggestion to meet in my area of town, and to come by and pick me up for the date was strategic. It proved to me that while he doesn’t have a vehicle, himself, he obviously has access to a car and a way to get where he needs to go without actually posessing one on his own.

So, all in all, I’d put this date into the entirely successful category. I felt completely and totally respected and cared for. He actually researched my area of town and found a great place for dinner. He was willing to flex with my schedule. And, he also thought ahead enough to go out and buy me a sunflower.

That sunflower meant the world to me. It made me feel cherished and it made me feel special and it made me feel so...feminine. It’s amazing what such a small gesture can mean…it truly touched my heart! (Take note, all you men who happen to be reading this!) ;)

Also, there was the “who pays” issue. If you remember, I was the one who asked him out on our first date. That time, he picked up our movie tickets and I paid for dinner. He wanted to pay for it all, and then offered to split it but I insisted on at least getting dinner. Since I asked HIM, I just couldn’t let him pay for the entire night! “Hey, wanna go out on a date…and by the way, you’re going to be paying for the everything.” Nope, couldn’t do it!

Well, this time, he was the one to insist…and I let him pay...without argument, but with much gratitude.

We ended the date saying that we’d stay in touch and get together again, in a couple of weeks, since I’ll be out of town next weekend. (It's a long overdue weekend with Elle actually…woohoo! Can‘t wait!)

However, since then, we’ve already gone back and forth via texts a few times and yesterday I got a fun butt-dial voice mail from him, where I could hear saws and hammers and other Habitat for Humanity noises in the background. It made me giggle a bit.

I’ve also heard from the friend who initially introduced us. She texted me that she saw him at a party last night and that he said that he had a good time on our date too…and that we’d talk tomorrow. That wait for tomorrow is going to kill me! I can’t wait to hear what he told her about it.

So, I’m doing my best right now to try to keep my excitement from growing bigger than it should be. I have my May date coming up next week and I’m keeping an open heart and mind for that one as well. Besides, I have that insane dance schedule this month to keep me distracted.

But, every time I see that sunflower sitting on my kitchen counter, it sure does makes me smile.