E: Seeking Mr. October?

Long time, no talk! For those of you who forgot who I am (and I don't blame you), I'm Elle, the one who fell in love with April Date #3 back in, well, April. My reasons for choosing not to blog the relationship were two-fold: 1) I wanted to keep the details of our relationship private, and 2) If he knew I was blogging about us, chances are he would feel compelled to find the blog and read it. He specializes in internet stuff and I especially didn't want him reading all of my dating escapades. I mean, I have some juicy stories on here (remember the pilot?) and last thing I needed was April #3 reading about some of my minor, uh, indiscretions.

I'm sure by the title of my blog you are now thinking, not you too! After the decline of my fembud Sheila's relationship at the five - six month mark, and now the decline of mine, ON the five-month anniversary, no less. (Which means, Jane, you have all of four months and 1 week left with Mr. September....enjoy!) ha ha. No, not really. I'm sure this is all a coincidence. Or is it? Do men get weird this far into a relationship? Has the newness and fun worn off at this point? Have I gotten too comfortable in my black workout pants, gray t-shirt and ponytail? But isn't this the place we all long to be at in a relationship....that phase where you don't have to constantly try to impress, and it's ok to go out to breakfast on Saturday morning without makeup, and it's ok to skip a day of shaving those legs? Hmmmm, questions to ponder.

The last 5 months with April #3 have been a whirlwind. In addition to my beloved dog dying, I moved and somewhat remodeled a new home. And watched money run out of my wallet like water. I don't do well living in chaos. It stresses me out. In addition to all of this, April #3 had his own stresses of being a full-time student, working full time plus some OT at his job, which he hates, and having had a painful operation that he spent 2+ weeks recovering from at my house. Add into the mix the fact that he works 2nd shift, 3 - 11:30, at a job over half hour away from me. Literally we would only see each other on the weekends, and that was if he didn't have to work on Saturday or I didn't have other plans, like shopping sprees with friends and such. The cards were stacked against us from the start.

Yet, somehow, we were able to develop this amazing connection that I had always thought was unbreakable. This magnetism-type thing is a rare find, at least for me. You can't go out to the clubs and seek it. You can't buy it. And you can't make this shit up. It's either there or it isn't.

Problem for us, was the mounting stresses caused us to act and react in ways that we do not normally. And we are both extremely stubborn. Communication broke down and he walked out. He wanted out. He couldn't handle the pressure anymore.

That was almost 2 weeks ago. But last weekend, after a week of extreme heartache for me, and setting my mind to the fact that we were over and I needed to move forward, he contacted me. Apparently that week for him was not only extreme heartache, but also self-reflection, and realizing that he was a turd, and that he never wanted this break up to happen, and that he loves me like there is no tomorrow and can't imagine his life without me in it. He explained that he tried to forget about me, but basically that it was impossible because "I had him at hello" and apparently still do.

So the decision is mine. I have the power in the relationship to call the shots. I do love him deeply and feel a connection with him that is like no other. But I don't trust him with my heart. He left me. At a time in our relationship when we needed communication the most, he chose to go out with his friends instead and not face the conversation.

He wants another chance. He wants to prove to me that I can trust him. And that our relationship is meant to be. He pointed out that we skipped a crucial step in our young relationship. We fell in love so fast, but never got the chance to date in a "normal" circumstance. A dating relationship where I do my own thing on Saturday and lay out by the pool, and he shows up that evening smelling nice with hair spiked (he has great hair for a 39-year old) and picks me up and takes me out for a night of fun on the town. Where we can just enjoy each others company, and give our relationship some roots. We skipped the fun step, because the chaos and stress got in the way.

Roots are good. Roots are what a relationship needs to weather the trials. We didn't have any built yet. And the wind blew us away.

Where does that leave us today? That leaves us with a date on Sunday. And I look forward to him showing up and smelling good with that cute spiky hair thing going on. I'm going to roll with it and see what happens.

Which brings me to the title of my blog. At this point in time, first day of October, I am not sure if I need to find a Mr. October or not. It's difficult to be in transition like this, but is also somewhat reassuring to know that by the end of October I will have answered the question for myself. Either I will be back with April #3, or I will have got back on Match and found a Mr. October! I know you, you're hoping I do. Just so I can once again share crazy-ass stories with you about some guy I met who lives with his mom and writes poetry in his basement and plays the tuba. Well that remains to be seen.

J: The part I didn't tell you

Here’s what I couldn’t bring myself to write last night…and the real reason I couldn’t sleep.

Mr. September apparently is a lot more recently out of his last ‘rebound’ relationship than I had realized. It also lasted a lot longer than I had realized. (Over a year!)

And, apparently I was the VERY first person he contacted on OKCupid.

I’ve dated a ton over the past year. He hasn’t dated at all. Basically, the last time he casually went out with anyone, he was 17 years old.

He mentioned, during our "let's take this back a step or two" conversation that he would still like to go out with other people...but nothing serious...maybe a cup or coffee or drinks or something.

(While also making sure that I understood that he doesn’t have anyone specific lined up…or anyone even in mind for said 'casual date'.)

And, actually, I really did believe him.

And I guess I understood where he's coming from.

He’s freaked out by the speed that we jumped into this relationsip and also by not getting the opportunity to see what/who else is out there before finding someone new.

He jumped from marriage to rebound to me. And while he made it very very clear that he really does like me…a lot…he also doesn’t want to lock into anything serious so quickly after his last relationship.

Like I said…I get it.

However, I told him that if he was going to be out there dating, I would be dating too.

And he wasn’t happy about that.

He asked (very sweetly) if he could also be Mr. October. I reminded him that he was already Mr. September and pointed out that what he was asking for was a double standard, and not at all fair. He sheepishly acknowledged that I was right and the subject drifted in a different direction. No real resolution…

But, here’s the thing that really bothered me…I knew that I don’t really have any desire to date anyone else. This pointed (in my mind) to a huge imbalance. And in my experience, imbalance in a relationship is a bad bad thing.

Early in the wee hours of the morning, I decided that there needed to be another conversation. I decided that while I didn't like the idea of dating around, I could try to deal with it. It would let me continue with this dating challenge afterall and it would teach me how to build up some walls of my own. But, I also decided that until there’s some commitment there, we need to back off on ALL aspects of the relationship that we rushed forward into…including (and especially, if we were 'dating around') the physical ones.

I woke up this morning miserable from just an hour or two of sleep. The first few hours at work were awful…all the way up until I got his call.

He started off by telling me that he had made a major mistake last night. He did NOT want to date anyone else. He wants just me! He didn’t even know why he had mentioned it. He likes what we have so far. He doesn't want to lose me. He wanted to give us a chance!

(But he still wants to slow things way down.) Groovy.

The sun came out. Birds fluttered in the sky again. A thousand-ton weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could finally feel the gallons of caffeine that I'd been guzzling.

I can do slow.

I can handle taking a step back if I know that by doing so, it will ultimately point me in the direction I think I want to go.

Last night, I had no problem with the idea of slowing down. I agreed with him, actually. What I couldn’t handle was the thought of him actually going on a date...or even wanting to go on a date with anyone else.

I like that he figured it out on his own. I like that he was man enough to admit to his mistake. I like that he apologized.

I also like that he likes me enough and respects me enough to realize that we’re not really going to go anywhere if we’re both always looking over our shoulders…especially considering that we're two formerly-married people who had both been cheated on.

This was the exact call and the exact conversation and the exact words that I would have scripted to come out of his mouth if I hadn’t been so exhausted and miserable.

He did good.

So, we’re on for tomorrow. We’ll be able to spend some quality time together, chatting, sharing stories, holding hands, making each other laugh, and getting to know each other all over again.

Slowly, this time, without all the scary premature expectations.

J: Women’s Intuition

Well...

I wasn’t wrong.

I wasn’t crazy.

Turns out Mr. September WAS pulling away.

Apparently, he is still really really into me…but at some point on Sunday evening he got completely freaked out.

We had a very long and very healthy conversation tonight...one that started on the phone & ended with me going over to his place for a hug, a kiss & a cookie. (Literally, a cookie… chocolate chip, specifically…no…I’m not speaking in euphemisms here). ;)

I’m home now and have been trying to sleep for more than two hours. Finally, I gave in and figured if I can get it all out of my head and onto…pixels...then I’d finally, finally be able to sleep.

Basically, the problem is that we moved too fast. (Who didn’t see that coming?)

Spending every moment of the entire weekend together didn’t help. So, he’s asked that we slow it waaaay back down. He wants to have a chance to actually date me.

And, I think that's a pretty good idea.

The question is…what does that look like? What does that mean? Are we now opening the doors back up to date other people? Do we just see each other once a week? Every other week?

Or, is it more subtle? Is it just a resetting of our expectations? Recalibrating our thoughts and not looking so far into the future?

Ugh…my crazy box is broken wide open on this one.

But the thing is…I actually feel better. I’m just so thankful that he trusted me enough to tell me where he’s at instead of letting all of those awful feelings fester. Besides, my intuition was saying that something wasn't right. And you know what they say about those gut instincts we women have....they're right 99% of the time.

We needed to have this conversation…and it's been had…and we can move on from here. Or not.

And, we’ll see what the next few days have to offer. We have plans for Friday evening and for
Saturday. Who knows what will happen and where we’ll be when Sunday rolls around.

Hopefully, I won't be on a search for Mr. October.

S: Just Needed to Blog This Out Loud

Sometimes...no, a lot of times...I see people with other people who so obviously love them and I wonder why them and not me. Why do they get to have that?

I wonder what's wrong with me.

And then I wonder if I actually want to know the answer to that. Because there's probably nothing I can do about it.

Finding someone to share your life with is not an inalienable right. We don't all get to have that. My guess is I fall into the don't-get-to-have group. I'm prepared for that. But it still sucks.

Because it's inexplicable.

I mean, why not me?

(It's the giant nose zit, isn't it?)

J: Enough?

I’ve wondered what a ‘normal’ week would look like, with this fantastic Mr. September. And here we are...just at Tuesday and I’m thinking a ‘normal’ week just ain’t enough.

Maybe I was spoiled by being forced to steal all those limited moments between our trips.

Maybe I was spoiled by this last, glorious weekend when we spent every minute together.

Maybe I was spoiled by the speed that we’ve taken things thus far.

But, now the weekend is over. And, I didn’t get to see him last night. And, I don’t get to see him tonight either.

I guess that’s part of what I signed up for when I agreed to date a single father. I guess it’s also what I get for dating someone so successful who actually cares about his career. (Sooooo hot!)

Tonight, for him, is about a.) his kid (as it should be), b.) a 9:30 pm meeting with China and c.)preparation for tomorrow's extremely important meeting (that literally will determine the direction of his career).


How can I possibly compete with that?

Tonight was ‘tentative’ anyways and apparently, I’m “too much of a distraction” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

Okay, I get that.

And, I respect that.

But it doesn’t mean that I wouldn't rather be eating my pizza and drinking my wine with him.

I’m doing my best to remember that I have a life. A full life. I had this full life before him. I will have it after him.

I’m also doing my best not to start wondering if I’m more into this than he is.

But, he introduced me to his kid this weekend…and we got along famously. (They, apparently, even had a “yeah, she’s cool” conversation about me.) We had the “we’re ‘going steady’” conversation. We’ve talked beyond October (Christmas!!! We actually talked about CHRISTMAS!) He’s also told me that if I’m not looking towards long term, at any point, then I need to let him know and we should end it right then and move on. And he'd do the same.

I must be crazy to want more…to need more than all that. Right?


It’s my own insecurities. I know that.


It’s my own need to grab on and hold tight and strangle the life out of the relationship.


It’s my own crazy.

Soooo, I’m giving space. I’m sitting on my own couch with my own pizza and my own glass of wine and not calling, not texting, blogging out all of my frustration and fear to you.

Tomorrow night I will go to my dance classes as planned.


And maybe (just maybe) tomorrow we will find some time to catch up on how his big important meeting went.

Or maybe not.

And I’ll look forward to this weekend and the definite plans that we have then.And not expect more than that.

S: Mr. September...Meh

I have officially had my first date since Guy.

And it did nothing to help me. Although I did get a delicious, street-vended treat, provided graciously by Mr. September.

As planned, I met up with Mr. September after Saturday’s sporting event. I had done a little pre-event drinking and spent much of the game doing my best to sober up. I didn’t want to meet Mr. September in an altered state. And I had a long, late drive home ahead of me.

Unfortunately, I also spent most of the game missing Guy and wishing I were enjoying it with him. I didn’t think it would be so hard to be there and not be with him. I thought being there would be better than not being there. But I couldn’t help thinking the pre-game festivities would have been better with him and the game would have been better with him. Even the seats would have been better.

Mostly…I missed him. Sometimes I just want to Spotless Mind myself so this can all stop. It’s very difficult and rather unpleasant. And makes me feel like I’m imbalanced or insane or something.

Anyway, at the beginning of the game, I texted Guy a “go team!” type message, as a polite, friend-y thing to do because he knew I was there. Later, he responded in kind. And that was all. At the end of the game, our team had won so I sent a celebratory text. Again, trying to do the friend thing. I didn’t hear anything from him. Which was fine because I had a date to get to.

I was looking forward to meeting Mr. September. We had exchanged a few texts throughout the day and that had been good and fun. I even got an "LMAO" out of him at some point. And, amazingly, he somehow managed to make the weather clear up. Very impressive indeed.

The game was over and we began coordinating our meet-up efforts. He was on bike and I was in car. I knew I would have a lot of traffic to deal with so he would have to wait a while for me. A bit later, he called and said the place he thought we were going to wasn’t where he thought it was. Which was good because he had gone somewhere that was not where I thought we were going at all. And that could have been disastrous.

We got it all figured out and I continued to trek in the right direction. I finally got through traffic and found somewhere to park, although I bailed out early and parked several blocks away. I have very little patience for parking.

I approached our chosen vendor and eventually saw someone who seemed like it must be him. We did that awkward “is that you?” look and greet thing and figured out we were who we thought we were. And with my “here is the boundary” handshake, the meet-up began. We got in line and chatted and waited and chatted and waited. We made our orders (he ordered what I ordered because my order was confident and concise) and waited for our yummy snack.

I went to dig my cash out of my pocket and he immediately offered to pay. I argued once and then thanked him profusely. I never expected him to pay but was pleased that he played the gentleman.

And then snacks were served. So…delicious. I made lots of yummy sounds, which I had warned him would happen. He laughed because I hadn’t lied. The yummy sounds are uncontrollable.

We found a place to sit among the crowd and chatted some more. Conversation was o.k., but felt a little forced. Not as easy as it had been in message form. Very much “new acquaintance” stuff. We would go for a bit and then there would be an awkward lull.

It didn’t help that I was tired from the day.

He was very sweet and clearly found me amusing, but I didn’t feel any chemistry. There was no spark. And it seems like he was cuter in his picture. Not that the picture wasn’t the Mr. September who I met, but he was just different in person. I had conjured up someone different in my head.

I think he maybe felt some chemistry though. He touched me a couple of times. You know, the kind of quick, flirty touches that you can’t help when you are interested in someone. I did not feel the same desire to touch him. He felt very platonic to me. Good company, but nothing more than a friend.

We had finished our glorious food and it was obvious I was starting to get cold so he asked if I wanted to go to a coffee shop he knew would be open for another hour or so. I considered it (mostly out of politeness) but decided I should hit the road before I got too tired. He was very nice about this and said he shouldn’t tempt me with staying longer when he knows I have a long drive home and he would feel the same way if he was the one having to drive home.

Dammit. Nice guy…no spark.

So we decided to part ways. We got to his bike first, because it was pretty much parked right there. And he didn’t offer to walk me to my car, which he knew was parked several blocks away. This surprised me. But I had stopped keeping score because I knew I wasn’t interested. And I could make it to my car on my own.

He went for the post-date hug. I obliged because he had bought me such tasty food. And he’s a sweet guy. He should get a hug out of the deal.

On my way to the car, I received a text.

From Guy.

Responding to my celebratory text from a couple of hours before.

I was surprised. I had expected it to be from Mr. September. I rolled my eyes thinking, “Don’t be sending me messages already. I don’t like you that much, you can’t like me.”

But it wasn’t him.

It was the only person I was hoping to hear from. Of course.

The problem with this date was that it made me miss Guy even more. When I went out with Guy, there were sparks. We had an immediate connection. Even though I tried to keep him at a distance at first, I never wanted our time together to be over. We would have unscheduled dates between the dates and all our dates would last for hours and hours, well into the next morning. Even before the physical stuff started.

The fact that I had no chemistry with this guy only confirmed that what I had felt with Guy had been real and not some trick of the imagination. We did have something. Because if I could have conjured up something with Mr. September, I would have. I need something to give me a reason to move on. But there wasn’t anything there.

So now I missed Guy even more. And that meant of course I responded to his text. I asked if he was still in town because I wanted to stop and have a beer with him. He was not. He had already gotten home. We exchanged messages as I hit the interstate. (Thank goodness this is an anonymous blog. I know I shouldn’t do that, but it kept me awake. It’s a bad habit and I am trying very hard to break it.)

In the meantime, Mr. September tried to call. I accidentally answered it while typing a message to Guy and then hung up really fast. I didn’t want to talk to him. He sent a text saying it was a wake up call to make sure I hadn’t fallen asleep. I responded that I didn’t know what happened to the call or why it was dropped, but that my phone had a mind of it's own. I didn't mention about what an evil bitch I am. I did thank him for calling. Then we sent our good nights.

And I went back to Guy.

Because I’m dumb.

I let him know when I made it home and thanked him for helping to keep me awake. He said he was glad I made it safely. And I let it go at that. I wasn’t going to keep it up at that point. Even though I really missed him and wished for a reason to go to his place.

I stayed up a bit longer putzing around the house and then a while later, I got a “g’nite” from Guy out of the blue. He had been waiting for me to respond to the last message I guess.

I told him I had just climbed into bed and it was all cold. This triggered a conversation about cold beds and snuggling. Both of us wishing the other were with us, but not having the guts to say so. I kept hoping he would ask to come over, but he didn’t. And as much as I wanted to go to his place, I resisted. I have to stay away.

We kept it up until I fell asleep.

When I woke up this morning, I had missed a final message from him the night before, so I sent a message about not wanting to get out of bed because of the cold. He said something about being toasty which felt sort of off-putting to me. I responded that in bed was better than out. He did not answer.

I haven’t heard from him all day and I haven’t sent any more messages. I’m really trying not to reach out to him if I can avoid it. And I have been curious to see if he would reach out to me. He obviously missed me last night, so would he still miss me today?

Clearly not, because he hasn’t sent a word.

Mr. September, on the other hand, has. He asked if I would be interested in dinner this week. O.k., technically, not really, but he’s a nice guy and deserves a second date if he wants it. Unfortunately, this week is a really bad week for me, so I had to put him off until next week. He was o.k. with this. We have made early plans for a second date. This means that at some point I’m going to have to tell him I’m not interested. Oh boy. One of the very best parts of dating.

So we’ve taken it to the next level. Beyond online date site. We had already exchanged phone numbers and now we have each other’s email addresses. I haven’t been initiating communication with him, but I will respond when messaged to. Hmmm…a sign of me not being that into him.

Wait...so, if someone were not initiating conversations with me, but responding when I did the intiating, would that also be a not-so-into-me sign?

YES, SHEILA! USE YOUR FRIKKIN’ BRAIN!

My heart makes me dense.

But it wants what it wants. And it wants Guy.

Sorry, Mr. September. Maybe you can start a club with Mr. October and Mr. November and Mr. December. Because my guess is they won't do much better.