S: October Fades

It’s been more than a month and Mr. October and I have continued to exchange texts and the occasional (awkward) phone chat. Although, in the last week that has really dropped off. And I can't say that I mind. Last week he suggested a third date and I told him we should do that and all he had to do was let me know when he was available. But really, I was only going to use it as an opportunity for a face-to-face chat about how he is wasting his time on me and we should probably both move on.

After two dates and a lot of digital conversation, I feel nothing for him. We’re awkward together. He’s sweet and says very complimentary things to me, but I don’t feel comfortable around him. We don’t easily fall into conversation. We don’t laugh at the same things. We don’t have a lot in common. He’s a good guy and treats me kindly, but we don’t relax around each other and it’s not that fun.

AND suddenly, he’s all about sex. O.k., really this started a couple of weeks ago. There would be text conversations about how long it’s been for him. Sometimes it was just cute flirting, but then it became obvious that this man, while a complete gentleman in person, just needs to get his rocks off.

He tells me he knows there aren’t sparks between us, but he wants to “cuddle.” He’s told me that he believes he’s unable to feel deeply for a woman after the end of his marriage. And yet he’s making a play for a physical relationship. Yes, he’s an adult and what adult doesn’t need other adult companionship? But how can he expect that kind of companionship without a connection? Without feelings?

I know I can’t. I have to have the feelings. And I’ve told him as much. At some point, one of our “it’s been a while” conversations got serious and I told him I wasn’t going to be the one to help him get back on the bike. I just can’t do it that way.

So I think all of his compliments and sweetness are an effort to conjure up a relationship. I get the impression he’s trying to make something happen so I’ll get physical with him. I hate to be cynical about this kind of stuff all the time, but it’s experiences like this that make me believe guys never mean a single sweet thing they say. They’ve just learned the sounds we like to hear that will make our pants come off.

It’s like they’ve figured out the right bird calls to get us to circle so they can shoot us down.

I get crap all the time for not being able to take a compliment. But here is a perfect example for making the case that men only compliment you to get you to sleep with them. This is why I think it’s all bullshit when I hear it. I want to believe it, and sometimes, just to feel good, I let myself believe it…but then, once again, “You’re beautiful” turns into “Let’s cuddle.”

Anyway, I’ve been very clear with Mr. October that it’s not going to happen. That I’m not interested in getting involved (especially with someone who has admitted he won’t have feelings for me) and not being involved means not being physical. And this is why I feel like he’s wasting his time and when I continue to converse with him it’s just giving him the impression that there’s a chance.

I don’t want to just be mean and blow him off or end it via text, but I find myself continuing to have to explain that we aren’t going to have a physical relationship. And no matter how many times I tell him that, it seems like any text conversation we have turns into innuendo and how he wants someone to be physical with.

At this point, I have not heard from him for several days. He’s had a very busy week with work and his kids, so this doesn’t surprise me. But I also think it’s because our last exchange of texts did not go too well. The last day I heard from him, I got two messages from him and both of them were about sex. I was actually offended, so my responses were terse and I didn’t make an effort to start or continue any kind of conversation. And I haven’t had anything to say to him since.

We’ve been out twice. We hardly know each other. I won’t even let him kiss me. The fact that he feels like he can be so crude with me is offensive, even though I’m not the hoity-toitiest girl on the block. I can joke and be just as crass as the next guy, but when you hardly know me, you need to maybe pretend you think I’m a lady. It’s a respect thing.

So if he’s going to drop it, I am too. I did notice he’s back on OkCupid. Perhaps he’s found someone else to focus his attention on. I hope so. He deserves someone who wants to be with him and someone who will make him feel feelings. He shouldn’t have to make such an effort to make himself feel something or orchestrate a relationship. Those pieces should just fall into place.

Best wishes, Mr. October. I’m glad to have known you. I wish you could have helped me fix my snow blower, but it definitely wasn’t worth the “payment” I was going to have to make. I hope you find your Bella.