J: Birthday Blog

Yesterday, when I was thinking about writing this blog, I was hesitant because I was worried that it wasn’t going to come out sounding all that positive. I hated to have to subject you to another depressed, disappointed outpouring of frustration with the way that life has been going throughout the past year.

However, today when I woke up, bright and early (despite last night’s expensive bottle of wine & midnight skinny dipping) on the morning of my 34th year, feeling inspired to kick off the new year with a nice long run, I realized that I’m actually not in such a bad place, emotionally, after all.

I have hope.

I have plans. This year can be different!

I am making a commitment to make this year a year of healthy choices.

I am choosing to get back down to the healthy weight that I was at, just 2 years ago. I will NOT be one of the 90% of people who experience major weight loss, who ends up regaining all the weight back. I will NOT! I will make healthy choices in regards to the food that I put into my body. I will make healthy choices in regards to the level of daily activity that I maintain. I will choose long-term health over short term yumminess. I will hydrate.

I am choosing to strive towards being a better friend. Lately it seems that I’ve found myself to be completely absorbed by & wrapped up in my own junk. I need to reach out to those I love more and let them know how much they truly mean to me and how important they are in my life. I am choosing to have healthy discussions, (even when they’re difficult) with the people I love. Despite my aversion to confrontation, I choose to not allow my silence & fear of being vulnerable to create the opportunity for meaningful relationships to slip away. On the flip side of the same coin, I’m choosing to be honest in my dating relationships. If I’m just not seeing a future together, I will have those discussions that allow us both to move on.

I am choosing to accept my single state and to strive to truly enjoy it. Part of the reason this birthday’s approach was so difficult for me was due to the thought that another year has gone by and I’m still single. It seems like every year, every holiday I say (if not out loud, at least in my head): “This is the very last year that I will be single on my birthday/Valentine’s Day/Christmas/Arbor Day…I can’t handle another year of dealing with THIS on my own”. Well, guess what …I CAN handle “this” on my own. I have actually been doing really well on my own. And…I’m choosing to acknowledge that I’m not alone. I am surrounded by friends & family who show me love, each & every day.

I have very big ambitions, big hopes, big dreams for the year. But, it’s easy to dream big when tucked away in birthday-land. My hope…no…my choice is to remember these ambitions throughout the year. I want to hold this vision through the year…to not let it go.

Here’s to a good year….a happy and healthy and joyful year! And a big thanks to all of you for sharing this journey with me.

S: Break Update

We are still together.

And things are normal.

I think.

I didn’t hear from Guy for most of Monday, except for the text in the morning making sure I made it home safely the night before. I kept waiting for him to let me know when they were headed home and possibly make some plans for later, but nothing.

I wasn’t sure how to take this, but I felt it was better to assume he was busy with his son and I would hear from him later on, probably after he had put him to bed.

And yet, it bugged me. Why the silence?

Then I decided it was better to assume he did not want to see me and to just go on with my day and evening...and life. I had things to get done, so I focused on getting them done.

But I just couldn’t take it. I still really didn’t know what was going through his head. Was he thinking about breaking up? Were the affectionate texts from the night before just a product of malted beverages? Did he even want to see me at all? Was my silence causing issues for him because he didn't know what was going on with me?

I wanted to reach out and see where he was in the world. I needed to know if he wanted to see me. The wondering was making me crazy. But I had told him I would wait to hear from him, so I didn’t want to text about plans for the evening. I had left that ball in his court, so it seemed kind of pathetic for me to start pressing to make plans.

I caved anyway. I sent a text. BUT, it was a text showing him the dress I was trying on at the time. Casual, light-hearted, having nothing to do with seeing him or the state of us.

See how silly I get when I’m trying to protect myself?

Relationships are so weird.

He replied right away with how good the dress looked and let me know where he was. This was a good sign. I still wasn’t sure about how the rest of the day would play out, but things still seemed ok.

I responded, and then there was more nothing.

It got later, I got a few more things done, but then I really needed to know if I was expected at his place or not. So this time I really caved. I sent a message saying I wasn’t sure what his plans were.

A short while later he replied that he had just gotten home and had a few things to do but I should come over any time.

STILL, I was unsure of his feelings. There was no “I can’t wait to see you.” Just “come over.”

Arrggh! By this time, I’m just making myself crazy. Reading between lines. Conversations on auto-replay in my head. Hearing only break up songs on the radio. Everything was a hint.

Do we all see now why I’m a spinster? I appreciate my sanity. Who can stand this?

Finally it was time to head over. I felt like I was strolling to my execution.

No, it would be fine. Surely he would have said something like “we need to talk” by now. Right? It’s all good.

When I arrived, he said nothing. He didn’t greet me in an overly affectionate “I missed you” kind of way, but he also didn’t stop and say, “Ok, let’s talk.” I could NOT get a read on him. He felt a little distant, but on the surface everything was as per the usual.

We discussed our weekends and then both got to work on the things we needed to get done. No talk of Friday or any of our previous conversations. But not a lot of lovey dovey stuff either.

It was hard not to read weirdness into all of it, but I resisted. I behaved normally. I was happy to be with him, so I just focused on that. Mostly because I was too much of a wuss to bring up what had happened.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to go down the path, nor did I want to be further accused of seeing the worst in everything. I didn’t want to give him a reason to break up with me if he didn’t already have one in mind. So I just worked. And nibbled on his shoulder every once in a while.

Fast forward to bedtime. Ding! Bedtime.

And suddenly, situation normal. The usual adult activities ensued. In a most fantastic way.
Just like always. No weirdness. (Sorry for the TMI. I tried to make it tasteful and pivotal to the plot. Isn't that what they say?)

Definitely not the kind of things that go on between people who are planning on breaking up with each other.

It still seemed like Saturday’s conversation should be addressed. So, as we did the cuddle thing, I told him I was glad that we had done that instead of breaking up…that that was much more fun. He agreed. But that was it. No questions or explanations. So I finally told him that I spent the entire weekend thinking he was going to break up with me. He said he was sorry.

And that was it.

No further discussion.

We were both falling asleep (and I'm a big wussy), so I let it go. It really was not a fair time to start a gargantuan discussion. Besides, we weren’t broken up, what more did I need?

At this point, it seems like the conversation should still be addressed. I think. I don’t know if it’s just my own curiosity or if there is still something that needs to be resolved. I mean, I know what he wants from me, so do I just do my best to make that happen for him...or do I really need to know what was going through his head on Saturday morning?

I’m trying to decide if there is a layer of weirdness as long as the conversation is unexplained, or if it’s just another one of those relationship hurdles we jump over and learn from as we’re moving forward.

I don’t want to make trouble. But I don’t want to let trouble fester under the surface only to cause cracking and eventual eruption. That way of handling things has been detrimental to past relationships. I just can't tell if there really is trouble or if I've cooked it up after one not-so-great night.

Overall, everything feels back on track today. Which is good. Because I really like the track. And, once again, I can’t wait to see him tonight.

I've lost my mind. They are so revoking my spinster card. I just hope they let me keep the cats.

S: Wake Up to a Break Up?

This weekend has not been that great. I have spent most of it worried that Guy is going to break up with me.

On Friday evening, we went for a long bike ride with a couple of people he works with. At some point, he said something to me that I took wrong, which hurt my feelings, so I hung back for a bit. I tried to move on, but I could tell at our halfway stop that he was frustrated with me.

Then, on the way back, he seemingly committed a slight biker foul, which bugged me, so I was once again in a funk. And by the time we stopped at our usual watering hole, he was beyond frustrated with me.

I tried to say something about the foul and he had a defensive reply, so I dropped it, not wanting to argue with him. And then I tried to just let it go and have a pleasant time with our friends and our beverages. He was too frustrated for that. He even went so far as to scoot his chair away from mine and then didn’t speak to me.

When we got home he asked me what all that was about. I explained my side and he got mad. He was frustrated that I had been offended by what he said, saying that I always thought the worst and he hadn’t meant anything bad by it. He wondered if I was punishing him for not taking me to the lake with him and his son (now who's thinking the worst?). Then he said he feels like he can’t say anything to me anymore without me getting upset and how he doesn’t want to walk on egg shells.

I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to walk on egg shells and I apologized for misunderstanding.

He was also angry because I had ruined his evening. He had a rough week at work and was looking forward to a nice ride and some time with me and I ruined that by getting upset.

Again, I apologized.

He said the same thing had happened Wednesday…that I had gotten mad at him over some thing he said that he didn’t mean anything by and subsequently ruined the ride.

I recall him saying something that made me feel bad about the way I was riding, but I was never mad at him. He had said that night that I was quiet, but there wasn’t any reason for me to be quiet, I was just tired from the extra long ride.

Anyway, I asked several times what I could do to salvage the evening and make it right and his only response was that making it right would have been for it not to have happened at all.

To which I replied that I could not go back in time.

I wanted to just leave, but I didn’t think that would help. But I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know what he wanted me to do and he wouldn’t tell me.

We went around a couple more times, but I could never get him to a solution, so finally we dropped it and watched a movie while we ate our usual post-ride pasta. (Well, I nibbled at it, not really having much of an appetite at this point.)

When we went to bed I asked him if he would just let me know when everything was ok and he wasn’t mad anymore and he said he wasn’t, but it was a very quiet evening in the bedroom.

The next morning, he had to get up and pack his things to take his son to his friends’ lake house for the long weekend. He got out of bed without a word to me. I stayed around to eat breakfast with him (he kept saying I could eat when I wanted to, but I waited for him). We ate and then I had nothing left to do but go.

As I was leaving, I stopped to give him a kiss, tell him I loved him and to have a good weekend. He said he loved me too and then we stood there not knowing what to say and he said he hadn’t slept much the night before. Then he began to make the sounds that have me worried that he’s getting ready to cut me loose.

He said he hadn’t slept. Then he said he didn’t want us to have drama and I always seem to be finding drama where there is none…or finding reasons to be upset. He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship where he has to walk on egg shells and worry about everything he says. He also said that things are tough at work and he doesn’t need things to be going badly in his relationship too.

He just kept saying, “I don’t want to be in a relationship that…”

He rehashed everything from the night before and I re-apologized. I didn’t know what else to do.

Finally, it was getting late and he needed to finish packing, so I left. I popped my head back in the door and told him that I would wait to hear from him, leaving the ball in his court. I want to see him, but it’s up to him to decide if he wants to see me.

The question that was on my mind was, “Are you breaking up with me?” But I didn’t have the guts to ask it. I didn’t want to know.

I sat in the garage and fell apart a little bit, but then decided I better leave before he came out and found me there. I think he finally opened the door as I had backed out and was closing the garage door.

It was a long drive home. And probably quite a show for those driving around me.

I just couldn’t help thinking that he brought that stuff up as I was leaving, said he hadn’t slept much and kept saying “I don’t want to be in a relationship that…” because he was thinking about breaking up and didn’t want me to spend the weekend with the wrong idea about where we are in all this. I really think he spent the night thinking about breaking up with me and that’s what he was trying to tell me.

I am so not ready for us to be over. I just think we have so much that is great, that it’s worth a few miscommunications once in a while. He’s the one who told me months ago that it wasn’t always going to be perfect.

So how can he get so upset when it isn’t?

I spent Saturday in a very bad place. I didn’t hear from him all day. And, it was hard to do, but I didn’t send him a message all day either. I started to a few times, but stopped myself. I was not going to be first. I told him I’d wait to hear from him, so I had to keep silent until he reached out.

I wasn’t really expecting to hear from him during the day. He was at the lake, so they were probably busy. I figured if I was going to hear anything from him, it was going to be in the evening after his son went to bed. And even then, he’d be hanging out with his friends, so I still might not hear until later.

If I heard anything at all.

I decided to head out to hang with some friends later that evening and as I was getting ready to go, I got a message. Just a short text from Guy asking what I had done that day and saying they had just gotten back from fireworks.

I was actually quite surprised to hear from him. And pleased. He was thinking about me. And not bad thoughts, but innocuous, run-of-the-mill, just like any other weekend away thoughts. This was a good sign.

I responded, but didn’t hear anything more. I also sent an email, just in case the texts didn’t go through (we have a bad track record) and ended it with “I miss you.”

Then I didn’t hear anything all day Sunday. But, by Sunday, I had a long list of things to do and my friends wanted me to come back and hang with them, so I was pretty busy.

Pretty busy realizing that life would go on without Guy, if he decided he didn’t want to “be in a relationship that…”

I still wasn’t in a place where that’s what I want him to decide, but I had a whole day laid out in front of me that would happen without him in it. So it became possible to see beyond.

As I was getting ready to head out for a concert, I heard from him. Another brief text about the day, to which I responded, but heard nothing more.

Another good sign, though. He’s thinking about me and sending me a text when he can. That says something. It says he hasn’t written me off, and hopefully it says he hasn’t been there bashing me with his friends, talking himself into ending it.

But I still wasn’t sure if the messages were just meant to be polite. He never reciprocated with an “I miss you.” And there wasn’t any love in the texts. Just a quick assessment of the day. So the signal is still a bit mixed. Is he just being nice and fulfilling some communication obligation since we are still together, knowing full well he's breaking up with me when he gets home? Or has he been thinking about me just like he would any other time?

Oh well, I was ready to have some fun. And to look good doing it. So that’s what I did.

The concert was a blast. I have not gotten to spend nearly enough quality time with my friends, so it was good to be able to just hang and not have anywhere to run off to. We got rained on, we got buzzed, we got treated to a good show. There were many laughs and much fun.

And it was then that I decided that if he wants to break up, fine, I would manage to enjoy life without him. And maybe that would give someone else the opportunity to enjoy life with me.

I sent him a pic of the mass of people and rain at the show and told him that was what I was up to. Then, later, back at my friend’s apartment, I took a pic of wet me and sent it to him saying that’s what I looked like after a rainy show.

AND...he responded. I was shocked. He asked what I had been up to. I told him and he said I should have fun and be safe. Then he said “Good night, beautiful!” Which is classic, old school Guy.

Like, nothing has changed, everything is normal, Guy.

Then, he texted more saying he was trying to sleep but his son was kicking. And that he preferred sleeping with me. And, finally, he said that he missed me.

Ok, this is starting to sound like someone who has gotten over it.

This made my evening.

Although, he better watch out. He gave me two days to get over him. He may find, if he wants to go around again, that I just throw in the towel. I’m not so scared of the end any more.

They come back today. I expect to spend the evening at his place, but no plans have been made. The only thing that I have heard beyond last night was a text asking if I had made it home. I replied that I had and have not heard anything else. I’m sure they are busy getting in the last hours at the lake before heading home.

I’d love to be invited over to share dinner. But the weekend was about quality time with his son, so it’s more likely that I’ll end up over there later, after he’s asleep.

I’m not sure what to do at this point. We should probably address the way things were left, but I can’t get a good read on where he is with all of this. I have no idea what to expect when I see him. I have no idea how I will feel or what he will say.

When searching through old posts to link up to a past reference, I found some entries in which I wondered if he was finding things to fight about on purpose and searching out reasons for us to not be together. I was reminded of a conversation in which he stated he was just waiting for me to get fed up with him and leave.

Here he is accusing me of these things that he was doing himself. And when he was doing these things, did I break up with him? No. I understood. I saw the value in what we had and I held on and tried harder to show him I wasn’t going anywhere.

Hopefully he’ll choose to do the same.

Because I’m definitely not ready for this to be over.

But if he chooses differently…

I’ll be fine.

I’ll put my $10 in the piggy bank and get back in the game.

But this time I’ll leave the wall up. A spinster knows better.

Even so, I’m still hoping for a happy ending today. In every sense of the phrase.

We'll see.

S: Visiting Margaritaville

I made an allusion to this in my birthday update, so it’s clear that I owe you the full story on the big Jimmy Buffett weekend. Pop some corn and set your phone to go straight to voicemail.

Or just scroll through really fast. I’ll highlight the important words for you.

Either way, get ready for:

“Searching for My Lost Shaker of Salt” or “How I Almost Ruined Buffett Weekend”

The first thing you need to understand is that I work freelance. This means:

1. I do not get to take vacation time;

2. Jobs come up randomly, no matter what plans I have;

3. I have to take jobs that come up or I have no income.

It is this list of unavoidable facts that nearly ruined Jimmy Buffett weekend. A date with Guy I had been looking forward to since March.

Big surprise, right? Based on what happened just before we were supposed to go on vacation in May, I think we were both expecting things to go awry.

And so, as is the typical fashion in Sheila’s world, a job came up at the last minute that completely interrupted our travel plans.

And I had to take it. I had no choice. New client. Good money. Work.

I let Guy know right away so we could start figuring out what to do. He was obviously frustrated, but he understood the situation. He wasn’t frustrated with me, just at the way things have to be. As was I.

We were supposed to hit the road Friday morning in order to arrive at the pre-party (which I had been told is the epitome of debauchery and not to be missed) in the afternoon. Only my job wouldn’t get done until likely 5 or 6 in the evening. Of course.

I told Guy that I would understand if he went without me, because I didn’t want to be the one to ruin his weekend…secretly hoping he would not want to go without me.

Then, later, when we finally had a chance to talk about it, the first thing he said was, “So, I assume I am going to Buffett without you.”

This I did not like. Not because I thought he was obligated to miss the weekend on my behalf, but because I didn’t want to miss the weekend. He had asked me to join him on this trip within a few weeks of us dating. I thought it was silly to plan so far ahead at the time (now we see why), but was ecstatic that he felt like we could make a date 4 months into the future.

Buffett weekend would NOT be ruined!

All along, I thought Guy would decide to wait for me and make the drive to Wisconsin late, but it became clear that he wasn’t thinking that was an option. And, really, when I thought about it, I didn’t want him to do that. I already felt badly enough about my situation messing up our weekend plans that I wasn’t about to let him miss out on anything.

We got on the phone to hash it out. He said he felt like there was no right answer for him and I understood that. He had a tough choice, so I made it for him. I insisted that he leave in the morning on Friday as planned. (He’s done this for me before when I’ve had a lose-lose choice to make. He’ll make the insistence so the choice is made for me. This is a humane and supportive technique and this time it was my turn to apply it.)

Then I decided that I would make the drive on my own after my job was finished. I knew that a long road trip after a day of working would be rather difficult, but I also knew it would be much more difficult to spend the weekend at home, knowing he was enjoying the Buffett weekend that I was having to miss.

Problem solved. He leaves with his friends in the morning and I join him later that night after my job.

The only thing left to do at that point was hope the job got done earlier than expected.

It did not.

More surprise.

It was interminable.

I hit the road, exhausted, in the early evening and began the journey, blatantly ignoring each state’s posted speed suggestions.

I can tell you right now that those Starbuck’s Doubleshot beverages are miraculous. And I’m really not a fan of Starbuck’s. I am, however, a fan of singing at the top of my lungs and bouncing off of my car’s proverbial walls.

I made good time, but was in a poopypants mood by the time I got to the hotel and was not receptive to Guy’s updates about how drunk everyone was. I just couldn’t see me showing up at a party where everyone was well past the point of no return and I had no way of catching up. Especially when I didn’t know any of them and would already feel somewhat out of place. So, after he said he would understand if I just wanted to crash at the hotel, I did the worst…I told him I wasn’t going out to the party.

He sent a sad face and I knew that wasn’t the right move. But I was grumbly and feeling anti-social, so that’s what I decided.

For about a minute.

Then I decided I should at least give it a try or I knew I would be ticked with myself in the morning. So I squeegeed the travel of my face, made myself presentable and headed out to try to find the place in the dark.

I found it and Guy was surprised to see me, having missed my final message telling him how I realized I could use a drink. I met the gang, made good impressions, had a drink and then suddenly the party was breaking up. Apparently, I was too much for the good times to take.

We went back to the hotel and proceeded to enjoy our Buffett weekend. You can use your imagination.

From then on, I was glad I had made the trip. The friends were fun, the booze was free-flowing and the concert was a blast. For a short time on the day of the show I had gone a bit too far toward oblivion. I think this ruined Guy’s tailgating experience a little, but he remained patient and poured a bunch of water in me to pull me back so I could rally for the show. Which I did, so the rest of the night was a great time.

And I managed to get through the whole weekend without showing my boobs. I was told this was highly unlikely, and was regularly prodded by my incorrigible date, so I’m not sure how I managed it.

Guy got no end of crap from everyone for leaving me behind on Friday and he did feel guilty about it. I told him he shouldn’t since I pretty much made him leave on Friday morning, but still, he did. He said he even waited for a while before he started really enjoying himself on Friday, but then I made him assure me he had the best time ever, because I did not want my solo flight to be in vain.

We ended up having a great weekend. And we got to have our time together in the car on the way home. In previous weeks I had visions of starting long conversations about things we should maybe discuss but usually tend to avoid, but I didn’t want to spoil the fun we had with the realities that lie on the path ahead of us.

Those were bridges we didn’t need to cross on this road trip.

All in all, disaster was averted and Buffett weekend turned out to be a fantastic time for both of us. I can’t wait for next year.