J: Mr. June

Tuesday was my date with Mr. June. This was the guy that I mentioned in an earlier blog who worried me a bit by his preoccupation with appearances. This was also the guy who I was expecting to be Mr. May, but who cancelled on me twice due to his crazy work schedule.

So, Tuesday, we were going to stick with the original plan that we made back in May to meet and basically have a picnic lunch together. A creative, and fun idea! Unfortunately, on Monday night he texted me asking if we could still plan to get together but skip the lunch part since he only had a short time available to spend with me, and then he'd need to get back to work. Sure, no worries, I would pick up lunch on my own after we met and take it back to work and eat at my desk. (Fun!)

Tuesday arrived and we met and chatted (yes, it was for 45 minutes so it totally fulfilled the “a date is more than 30 minutes” rule.) I didn’t feel any real chemistry but he was a nice guy and when he asked if we could meet for lunch on Friday, I said yes.

That night he called to say that he had enjoyed meeting me and was looking forward to seeing me again.

Several days went by and Friday morning dawned with no additional contact. Finally, around 10 in the morning, I texted him to make sure we were still on for lunch. He texted me back with huge apologies. He had completely forgotten…and not only had he forgotten, he had also made other plans!

Tell me…do you forget a date when you’re actually interested in the other person?

No.

Granted, he really is super busy with work, but so am I…and I didn’t forget. (And I wasn’t even all that excited about the follow-up date.)

If I hadn’t texted to confirm, I would have shown up for lunch at the restaurant we had agreed to when we originally talked about the date and I would have waited…and waited…and waited…and eventually would have ended up walking out in shame at having been stood up. And it would be another lunch at my desk.

I’ve given this guy more chances than my gut said I should.

And maybe the timing was just wrong.

But considering this is the third time that he's flaked at the last minute…I’m done.

S: Co-Dependent? Depends.

Recently, the question on my mind is "Has Miss Sheila become co-dependent?"

I don't want to be co-dependent, because it seems like an unhealthy way to live, so I do my best to remain independent. But I'm not sure I would really know if I were co-dependent. I don't know that I actually have a firm grasp of the term.

The Sheila/Guy thing has raged on for nearly 4 months now and here's what's happening...I find myself needing to see him every day. O.k., I'm not climbing onto ledges or anything, but I have to admit to the fact that my day kinda goes in the crapper if I know I'm not going to get to see him at some point.

Is this wrong? Is this right? Is this crazy? Is this normal? Is this something only a crushed-out, twitterpated, 13-year-old girl should admit to feeling? (Full disclosure: I just texted him that I missed him because I haven't heard from him in a while. Shall I have my head examined?)

I know I should *want* to see him, duh...he's my boyfriend. I mean we haven't run off and gotten married, so of course I still want to spend time with him. The question is *how much* should I want to be with him? Should my mood be so affected by whether or not I'll have the opportunity to see him on any given day? Should a large percentage my personal well-being and positive frame of mind depend on getting to see my boyfriend? Is this how mature people have relationships or am I a teenager trapped in the body of a...very young and spry...30 something?

On the other hand, and possibly worse yet, what happens when the day arrives that my mood is not affected by whether or not I'll see him? Is that the end of the line? Is it all or nothing? Co-dependent or single?

Am I co-dependent because he makes me happy? Or is the true sign of co-dependence an inability to function when not in his presence? I'm pretty sure I can still have a life without him, it just wouldn't be as...well...good. Is my goofy grin a physical manifestation of an unhealthy attachment, or simply a reason to get some more Pearl Cream to smooth out those laugh lines?

And so, if I am co-dependent, what do I do? How do I stop it? Do I back off (which sounds like a terrible idea)? Do I stay the course and remain co-dependent?

I don't know. I'm clueless.

What I do know is that it doesn't feel like anything is wrong. I don't feel like our relationship is unhealthy.

Maybe I need someone to hand me a craft fair style "If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It" sign so I'll shut the (expletive deleted) up. As far as I'm concerned, there's no reason to go looking for trouble. I refuse to be a couplecondriac...finding issues where there are none.

You know what, world? I have a boyfriend. He is fantastic. I love spending time with him. If I could spend every minute of every day with him I would. I can't, and that's fine. I'll just spend the other minutes thinking about the minutes when I am with him. I will text him when I miss him and I will smile in a silly, head-over-heels way when he replies that he misses me too (which he did...and I did). And if that makes me co-dependent, so be it. It feels good. Dammit.

J: Anniversary

Were it not for my divorce, today is the day that I would have been married for 12 years. TWELVE!

We couldn’t quite make it through five.

This year, today doesn’t hold the depression and the sorrow that it has held in the past. In years past, I have dreaded this day’s arrival on the calendar. But this year I didn’t even realize it was “today” until I was more than half way through the day and happened to see the date.

While I’ve been divorced for longer than I was married for awhile now, this year is the year that I’ve now been divorced for longer than I was with my ex, counting the dating years. Luckily, for the most part, he very rarely shows up in my thoughts and my dreams anymore. But, the years it took to get to this place weren’t easy.

I think the thing that bothers me the most about today now is that I’m not where I expected to be after this many years.

Statistics say that if you marry less than two years after divorce, the rate of second divorce goes up to 80%. When my divorce happened, the thought of waiting two whole years before my next relationship seemed impossible. How was I supposed to wait that long? How was I supposed to be all alone for that long? Surely, before 2 years were up, I’d have found someone and just be waiting for that magical two year gate to pass.

Instead, seven years later, I’m still single. However, looking back, I can recognize that I’m also infinitely happier today than I was two…five…even ten years ago.

J: Just Friends

I made a very tacky tactical error on Thursday.

After our “let’s just be friends” conversation, I agreed to get together with Sunflower Guy again, for a walk, downtown.

Between the conversation where I agreed to the walk, and when the actual walk happened I had a conversation with the girl who originally set us up. Apparently, during the long weekend, she received confirmation that he is indeed interested in more than friendship. When he was encouraged to pursue, pursue, pursue me if he was interested (“nooooo!” I was silently screaming during that part of the tale) his response was that “That’s just not the way it’s done.” He told her that he was going to take it slowly and let the relationship develop naturally.

Hummmph.

So, going into our walk, with this intel, I was very careful to make sure that I kept my hands well to myself. No risk of hand-holding…even accidentally, thank-you-very-much. This was a friend-ly walk, after all. Nothing more.

And then...

(Ugh…I can’t believe this...still!)

And then we got to the coffee shop where we had planned to take a walk-break ….and I realized that I had not brought along any money. At all. When I left my car, I had grabbed my phone and my key and left the rest of my stuff locked in the car.

So, this guy…this UNEMPLOYED guy…this guy who I had JUST had the “we’re just friends” conversation with…this very same guy who I want to keep everything completely & totally platonic with…I had to ask this guy to pay for my coffee!

I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, in the smallest size that it came in. It was a $1.80 cup of hot tea. Completely and totally delicious….other than that bitter tang of guilt.

After the tea, we finished our walk, we got back to our cars, hugged and the evening was done.

It ended strangely. No promises of “next time” as in the past. And he walked off with a heartbreaking, dejected hang-dog look on his face.

I really do think he is a good guy. I really do want to be friends. But I just think that this walk turned out to be a nice little period at the end of that sentence.

We’ll see if he calls again. I don’t think that he will.

That very night, I had a dream. In my dream, I showed up for a party at our mutual friend’s house, with him by my side…again, as a friend. All of a sudden, that guy who broke my heart when he moved overseas but who returned to the US earlier this year (hereafter referred to as "World Traveling Guy") showed up at the party and came over to talk with me. I expressed shock that he was back in the city. He suggested that we go over to the pool to discuss what had happened. So I left Sunflower guy behind, sitting on the floor playing cars with a kid (Go Fish or Slap-Jack or Old Maid or some other such game). While I felt some guilt at abandoning Sunflower guy, I was at the party just as his friend, and I really was intrigued by what World Traveling Guy had to say. As we’re walking over towards the pool, World Traveling Guy reached back to take my hand in his.

I woke up disappointed that it had just been a dream.

In that dream, Sunflower guy had been so…childlike. He was happy and positive and asexual and go-with-the-flow and easy and just…not what I wanted or needed. On the other hand, World Traveling Guy WAS maturity. He was intriguing…he was mysterious…he was sexy. By taking my hand, without speaking a word, he showed me what he was looking for from me. He affirmed me, he stirred something in me. He was a man. And he made me feel like a woman.

This dream doesn’t mean I’m going to go chase down World Traveling Guy in real life and force him to tell me what happened between us and why he STILL hasn’t called despite being back for several months now. But it did affirm my decision regarding Sunflower guy. While I think he is fantastic, he’s really just not the one for me.

Isn’t it better to just end it now, if I know it's not going anywere, instead of letting things linger past the point where hearts really get involved? Isn’t that the respectful thing to do?

Really, there’s no need to try to force a relationship that won't happen. In the end, we’d both be miserable.