J: May Delay #2

Literally right after my last post, I looked down at my cell and hey lookie there…a text from the potential Mr. May.

Cancelling our date.

He’s really, really busy. The friend who set us up even warned me about that. But this is the second time he’s cancelled. And this last time was with less than 24 hours notice.

Yes, I was apprehensive about the date, but that doesn’t mean that I wanted it cancelled!

I responded…(perhaps a little standoffish-ly) so that he would know that I got his text. He immediately responded to thank me for understanding and to say that he really would call me again.

Now I’m apprehensive about something entirely different: Will I find my May date after all?

I didn’t realize how much I was counting on this guy.

Sure, there’s the waiter who texted me, but after a couple of back-and-forth texts, that conversation dwindled away.

I DID have a maybe-date with a guy in my dance classes this month that MIGHT count…but only if things get desperate.

I’ll run it by my challenge femme-buds and see what they have to say and report back.

And, in the meantime, I’ll keep my hopes up and my eyes peeled for any potential Mr. Mays that might cross my path.

S: Friday at last!

Yippeee!! It's Friday!

Guy's plane lands in a matter of minutes. We'll be in the same city again!

There aren't enough exclamation points for how excited I am.

Unfortunately, I won't get to see him until later. I'd love to go get him and his son at the airport, but I'm working today. The good news is that it seems like I'll get done early enough to join him on a bike ride later this afternoon, which almost makes my head spin.

My only bone of contention? The so called "fair" weather we are having. Do you think it's fair that I had to come home to cold and rainy and gross and he gets to come home to warm and sunny and beautiful? Me either.

This weather is so not fair.

But I don't care. I'm happy to see the sun. I'm overjoyed to be seeing him. And I'm glad that we will have the whole evening to spend together.

I'll wait until Monday to start preparing myself for when he's gone for a week (and barely reachable) again in July.

For now...don't come a knockin'.

J: Judging A Book

My date with Mr. May is tomorrow and I’ve become a bit apprehensive about it.

This date is a blind one, set up by a good friend who is working with this guy on an enormous project. So far, he’s bent over backwards to help her out and according to her, he has proven himself to be a really great guy. She found out that he was single and showed him my picture and told him to give me a call. Based on that, he called.

The problem is…the picture that she showed him was an old one. A skinny one.

When he called, he told me that he had the advantage because he had seen me I hadn’t seen him. He also took the time to tell me that I’m “cute” and that he’s reeeeally looking forward to meeting me.

Again...based on an old picture!

In another text, another day, he told me that he hoped that I’d see him as the best looking project manager that I’ve ever met. To which I didn’t respond. Because really…how do you respond to that: "I hope so too!"

And then today, as we were finalizing details, he asked me to send him a picture. Since we’re meeting in a location where there will be very few people, I responded with “I’ll be the one (with curly hair if it’s raining) who shows up at 11:30. ;)”. To which he responded: “You can’t say I didn’t try”.

Huh?

One reference to appearance is understandable considering this is a blind date.

Two is uncomfortable.

Three is excessive.

Maybe all of this image consciousness is due to his own insecurities regarding his own appearance? My friend has been very careful not to set my expectations one way or the other. Her comment has been: “everyone finds different people attractive”.

Maybe my sense of discomfort is due to MY own insecurities. Especially since I know that the image that he’s basing this date on is a SKINNY PICTURE and that after a quick glance, who knows how much he’s twisted it around in his mind.

Granted, I’m not huge, but also I’m not where I was a year ago weight wise, and that knowledge is so hard. I strive to get my weight back down but am just not making headway and that has been such a major source of stress for me recently. Stress that makes me want to eat more to feel better about it. Ugh.

So, maybe I’m crazy, freaking out about all of these comments that are focused on appearances.

Definitely, it’s a sensitive subject for me. I want to warn him…to set HIS expectations low. It would be nice if he were pleasantly surprised instead of disappointed when the person in the picture he saw isn’t the one who shows up in person. But, I just can’t sell myself short like that, either.

I guess that no matter how much it stresses me out, tomorrow will be here soon. He’ll see how I really look. In person. I’ll see how he looks. In person. At that point, we’ll see if that’s what’s really important to him, afterall.

And, If nothing else, I’ll be able to check the box for May.

S: He called!

Squeeee!

Guy just called me.

This has brightened up my day an unbelievable amount. Actually made me giddy. Oh, and there's that perma-smile he usually elicits.

I shouldn't be surprised at how happy even just a brief phone call with him has made me, but apparently I REALLY miss him.

Tomorrow night cannot come soon enough.

Life is perhaps less complicated when you're not with someone, but it's also less squeeee-y. I will fully admit to enjoying the squeeee, even with its inevitable equal and opposite reactions.

Very bad spinster form, I know. But I don't care. I've gone daffy and I like it.

S: Big Fish Story

Hey! Lookit me! I’m blogging again. And with just two little things to talk about.

First…this happened…


I’ve been feeding Guy’s fish while he’s on vacation and apparently one of them decided it would be a good idea to expire on my watch. I thought it was pretty comical, but after the scorched popcorn incident, I’m guessing Guy isn’t going to let me into his house while he’s gone ever again.

Coincidentally, I was planning to have fish for dinner.

RIP, little orange fishie guy.

Second…Guy’s birthday is coming up very soon.

I’ve been trying to decide what to do for him. I like to make birthdays special and it’s always fun having a birthday when you’re with someone who can make it special. (The day of my birthday almost always stinks, no matter what the days surrounding it are like, so kudos will go to he who can make it special.)

Of course, Guy isn’t a kid any more, so I’m not sure just what a “special” birthday would really be. Do I show up at his office with treats? Do I decorate? Do I send a singing telegram? Do I make him wear a large, glowing button announcing that it’s his birthday

What is the best way to let him and the world know that I am so glad he was born?

Without making him regret that I was.

The actual day will be a busy one for him. I know he won’t be available for lunch and his son has a game after work, so he’ll be tied up with that for a while in the evening. This means no lunch date and dinner can happen, but probably not something fancy or drawn out. He’ll undoubtedly have meetings throughout the day, so if I want to stop by, I’ll need to find out when the best time is. Preferably without him finding out. But I’m not sure how much birthday shenanigans he will really tolerate. People can be hard to read in this regard.

AND, what do I get him? I have a lot of ideas, but I know that he will be displeased by me getting him anything at all. He doesn’t realize how much he deserves to be spoiled. And he knows I don’t have a lot of scratch right now, so when I present him with gifts, he will let me know, under no uncertain terms, that I really shouldn’t have.

Technically, it’s too late, I’ve already ordered one gift. The horse has already left the barn, so I’m just going to have to deal with the fall out. I couldn’t help it. I like buying gifts for people. Especially when I have something in mind that I know would be perfect.

Something I love about him is that he wears cologne. And just the right amount too. Smell is a big thing for me. And I always love the way he smells. He’s always yummy. He already has a few scents that he uses, but couple of months ago he showed me a sample that he had and uses every once in a while, so I ordered him some of that. The problem is, it’s a tad pricey, even through a discount retailer, so I fear that the gift will not be well-received.

I think he’s worth it, but he’ll think I’ve spent too much. This from the man who bought me a plane ticket to join him on vacation. And who wants to buy me a bike. Who has to think of reasons to buy me things. I’d like to return the favor. I’d like to show him how much he means to me.

One of the other things I plan to give him is…are you ready?…a key to my house. Yep, I’m going to give him 24/7 access to my domain.

This.

Is.

Huge.

But, really, why not give him a key? I have access to his house, he should have access to mine. I wouldn’t mind if he keyed in and snooped through all of my stuff, because I have nothing to hide. I wouldn’t mind if I came home and he was randomly there, because I don’t get to see him enough as it is. And I don’t mind if he has a key so he could help me out and take care of me when I need some backup, because he is good at helping me (even though I’m usually difficult about it).

Therefore, for his birthday, my casa shall become his casa. This gift WILL be well-received.

And who knows? Maybe he’ll do the dishes.

J: Cashing in my raincheck

I was supposed to go out with Mr. May last Thursday. But, he asked for a raincheck since his life was "super busy".

Our conversation went something like:

Mr. May: I’m going to have to ask for a rain check, life’s just insane right now, sorry.

J: That’s too bad, I was looking forward to it. Maybe next week? [Translation: Eek, I can’t let my May date sneak away that easily!]

MM: That would work. Thanks for being so understanding. [Translation: That would work, thanks for being so understanding]

J: Absolutely! Give me a call or txt when things lighten up! [Translation: I’m putting the ball back in your court, I just told you that I’m still interested…but I’m leaving the ball in your court and YOU need to call ME if you really would like to still get together.]

MM: OK, have a good weekend!

And then a few days later he reached out to me again and set up our date for this Friday, a week later than originally planned, but with the same creative idea….soooo, we’re back on! Yaaay! My last “rain check” was a royal flop ending in the guy moving to the other side of the globe and me getting my heart broken. So, I really need this one to actually happen.

In the meantime, Mr. April (or “the Sunflower guy" as Elle refers to him) and I have been in pretty regular contact, whether via text or email or by long phone call. Still liking the guy, lots. Still not seeing much of a future but sure enjoying every minute I spend with him.

Also, I got to spend some quality time with Elle over the weekend. (Oh, how I wish we lived closer and could hang out all the time!) She let me read her brilliant match.com profile and with all the success she’s had, I made a commitment to write up a profile of my own (maybe, just maybe stealing a few pieces of hers in the process) and get officially signed up in June. (Gulp.) So now, you all have heard it too…yes? No excuses not to expand my hunt into the electronic realm.

So, lots going on…hopefully my May date will be a success…lots of sun…no precipitation and nothing but a good time getting to know someone new.

S: So Pathetic

I miss my boyfriend.

It is only Tuesday.

That is all.

S: Long Weekend - Short Trip

Yesterday, I returned from an AMAZING long weekend in Florida with Guy and his son. The trip was perfect…aside from being way too short. I was so sad to leave them after only a couple of days. They are staying for the whole week, but I had to come home to work. Cursed self-employment with no paid vacation! If I could have changed my ticket and stayed the whole week with them, I would have. And almost did.

In fact, Guy offered to pay to change it AND pay for the job I would have had to pass on this week to stay. He gets silly like that. I love that sometimes he’ll do anything to spend time with me. And I’m glad he didn’t regret bringing me along.

We really were having the best time. Traveling together went smoothly with no frustration or tension. He’s not a huge fan of flying so it was really sweet to hold his hand while we took off and landed. His son held on too, to make him feel better. One of the many illustrations of us working as a unit.

We stayed in a cute cottage with a pool and lots of lizards to chase. We were a block away from a gorgeous beach and a breathtaking view of the ocean. We spent plenty of time at the beach playing in the ocean, digging in the sand, finding shells and soaking up the sun. The three of us also had some fun one night splashing and throwing each other around in the pool. I had other ideas for the pool, but we ran out of time for those. Next year.

That was the name of the game. Next year. Everything I am missing out on this year, I am determined to be around for next year. No more “long weekend” bahookey. Next year I’m going for the entire trip. Vacation with my two fellas is too great to miss out on.

And speaking of missing…

Now we have to struggle through the rest of the week apart. I just know it’s going to suck. It already does. As soon as he dropped me at the airport, I wished he were with me. After the trip out with them, traveling alone was a bummer. Nobody to take care of. Nobody to tickle. No giggling.

And I’ve spent all the time away thinking about what they are doing throughout their day. “Now they’re at the beach.” “Now they’re making dinner.” “Now they’re watching the sunset.” Etc.

To top it all off, Guy’s phone reception is bad there, so communication is at a minimum. I have to wait hours to hear from him and we can’t really talk. It just stinks. I miss him. Last night, as I was composing yesterday’s post, all I could think of was that I should be over at his place neglecting my work to watch him fold laundry and be all domestic. Or sending him text messages from the other room telling him he’s too far away.

Now he really is too far away.

I guess there’s something fun about wanting someone around so much. But I do wonder when that will go away. Does it have to go away? Does it always go away? I’ve had it go away before. The not missing of someone when he was far away was one of the triggers for the end of my engagement, so it worries me that it is looming in the future of this relationship as well.

Sidebar…speaking of future…had a fun little moment during the trip (well, there were many…this was just one of them). We were driving across the island to get to the grocery store for food and beer and Guy was telling me how he wished he could retire there. He said it wasn’t likely as he didn’t make enough money to have saved the funds to do so by retirement age. Then he said, “Unless you make it big…”

Eeeek…is it just me or did he allude to retiring with me? And shouldn’t I be freaked out by that after only 3 months? But I wasn’t. I LIKED it. Gave me a nice, cozy, satisfied feeling. Oddly enough.

Anyway…I have to wonder if I will always miss him like this or if this will eventually wear off. And if it does, what does that mean? Does it mean I don’t love him and we shouldn’t be together? Or is it ok? Is it just an evolution of sorts? I don’t want to be co-dependent, but I want to need him to be around. I like that I miss him.

It was nice to be staying on an island, but I don’t want to BE an island.

He’s very much worth attaching to.

You’d understand if you’d just spent a few days with him on the beach. Without his shirt on. Yummy.

Crap. Now I miss him even more. Is it Friday yet?

S: Living in...no...Relishing the Now

I have been a very bad blogger. Very bad indeed. I should be sent to my little internet room to think about what I’ve done. Or not done. Which is post what’s been going on with me and Guy lately. But I know you’ll forgive me because I’ve been busy with my beau. Right?

You understand. It takes a lot of effort to maintain a relationship with someone in the midst of work, home and social life. We have to plan wisely to etch out as much time with each other as possible and even then it feels like it’s just sleep or work time. At which point we ask ourselves if quantity time is quality time?

We question whether the other person is really trying to find time or if we are just an afterthought to each other. Are we becoming one more thing on the list of things that have to be taken care of?

At my house, I have a dry erase board on which I write my “to do” list every week. The hope is that I will actually erase tasks as I complete them throughout the week. Most of the time I’m adding more than I’m taking away. One night, while waiting for me, Guy wrote “See Guy” all over the board…which I found to be exceedingly cute and left up there for at least a month, just writing chores around the “See Guy”s. Until, after thinking briefly that I should be erasing a “See Guy” every time I went to his place, I started to wonder if seeing Guy had become one of those chores that I had to get done every week to feel like I had control over my life.

The answer is definitely no. I still feel like, even if we are just sitting on the couch working at the same time in the same room, at least we are together. And I can watch his fantastic ass as he crosses the room to get something to drink or put in another load of laundry.

mmmmmmm….

But I digress. I know…it’s really no fun for you if I don’t actually share what’s going on with us on a regular basis, so I must get better about doing so. What I need is a system. A scheduled time to sit and fire off quickies about recent events. Then maybe I wouldn’t feel obligated to write overwhelming epistles.

The best laid plans of mice and men. And bloggers. And Sheilas. I’ll endeavor to improve.

In the meantime…what I need to do is update you on a few things.

First and foremost, you’ll recall that there was a bit of a question about the future when the condom broke several weeks ago. At last, the question has been answered…there was a change inside me…a certain visitor arrived…and I will not be the star of an after school special. While I can sometimes see a glimpse of something of this nature happening in our future, currently Guy and I remain a twosome. We have averted a hefty responsibility and something for which we are not yet prepared.

SO…relief. All is normal in that regard.

As for other discussions and situations and near misses with break-ups, we seem to be back on sure footing. What I am not sure of is if this is because we are burying our heads in the sand, or if we really have worked through the kinks so that when situations arise again we know how to handle them and move forward, rather than decide we can’t get past certain attitudes, fears or behaviors and we need to call it quits.

I get the sense that he still waits for the day that I get fed up with him and walk away. And that’s understandable with someone who has been divorced, especially when it was the last thing he thought would ever happen. The difficulty for me is that I don’t know how to combat that. I don’t know how to reassure him. Because I have moments of being unsure myself and I don’t want to be disingenuous. I’ve broken a promise to someone before and I don’t want to do it again.

But I want to be with him. I see a future with him. I believe we could find a way to work through anything that came our way because together is better than apart no matter what, as far as I’m concerned. Even when things get tough, my gut reaction is to hold on tighter, not try to let go.

But what do I know? My track record does not indicate holding on to be my tendency. And he knows that. All too well.

And there are still big things that lurk in the corners. Like religion. Personal agendas. Trust issues. The cats. Kids. Can we survive these battles? Should we even fight these battles? If there are battles to be fought, are we not right for each other?

Are we fooling ourselves?

Damn it! Doubt. I hate doubt. How is one ever sure?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I feel like I am in the right place at the right time. I love him, he makes me feel amazing and I really don’t want him to go away. For now.

I just wonder how long "the now" is.

Hopefully it goes on forever.

J: "You should call my friend"

After a super-lousy morning, I went to lunch with a good friend.

Our waiter was funny, attentive, very flirty and after chatting a bit with us, he even brought us a free appetizer to make up for the rotten first half of the day.

While I wasn’t all that drawn to the guy, my (married) friend was thrilled by all the attention that (she claims) he was giving me. She thought he was funny and sweet and was flattered for me. So at the end of the meal, on her credit card slip my friend wrote “You should call my friend” and left my number.

Seriously.

Nuts, right?

Well, he actually texted me. Less than two hours later.

While I’m thrilled that I may have found a more efficient & effective getting-a-date method than match.com, now I wonder…what do I chat about with this perfect stranger? My crazy friend? The yumminess of the salad he brought to me? Ummm..the fact that we just happened to be at the same place and the same time on the same day?

This is one of those “I won’t say no to a date” situations that I was talking about in my very last blog. The difference this time is…I really know nothing about this guy other than his name and the fact that he has a job.

So…why not?

My friend truly has my best interest in heart and she really saw something in this guy. Why not give him a chance? If we can actually find stuff to talk about…at least long enough to get to the asking-out stage, then I see no reason not to spend an hour or so getting to know him a little better.