S: Work Flirt

Tomorrow I have a voiceover job. This is something I do from time-to-time. The last time I worked for tomorrow's client, I had a boyfriend. Also the last time I worked for this client (after the client had left the building), my buddy at the recording studio asked if I had a boyfriend and mentioned he thought this client and I could be interested in each other...having some things in common and all.

This time, I do not have a boyfriend. What I do have is a need for a date. A date that does not involve one of the mentally challenged single fellas trying to reach me on some dating site. I mentioned to my recording studio buddy that I'm single now so...

We'll see if there's enough flint to get some sparks to fly. The guy was cute.

J: Smitten

I seem to have it bad.

Every time my phone rings….every time I get a text…every time I see a new IM pop up at work, I’m hoping it’s Mr. September.

Monday was really rough. I didn’t hear from him even once. Not through any method of communication.

But the thing is, we had already made plans for lunch the next day. There was not a need to be in touch. But I had a want for that contact. I don’t feel like I can (or should) chase him at this point in our relationship. I need to let him pursue me but it is truly, truly a difficult thing to refrain from contacting him. And, since there wasn’t anything from his end, when I, personally, wanted that contact so badly, I started assuming the worst.

Why? Who knows. Maybe because I’m crazy.

But, maybe it’s because this period in a brand new, blossoming relationship feels so very fragile. It still feels like with any wrong move, he could call the whole thing off. And I sure don’t want that!

Granted, there’s nothing (absolutely NOTHING) that would lead me to (logically) believe that he would do such a thing. But sometimes logic isn’t always present in my brain, when it comes to guys. And really, it’s been so very long since I found anyone worthy of this kind of attention or this kind of ‘like’. I don’t want anything to mess it up.

So, to keep me sane, let’s do a little exercise. Here’s examples of the ways he seems just as into me as I am into him:

· He wants to spend time with me! I see this in all of his efforts to squeeze in as much together time as possible around each of our trips. He completely rearranged his work schedule for today to spend a long lunch with me before my trip. And then at lunch, we made plans for Saturday and talked about trying to find some time on Friday as well. (And it still doesn’t feel like enough???)

· He wants to spend QUALITY time with me. Our original plan for lunch was a noisy (but yummy) spot where you wait in line, get your food, sit down, eat & rush out. On the morning we were supposed to get together, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere quieter where we could relax and talk instead of feeling rushed and having to yell to be heard.

· He chooses to spend time with me, even when he doesn’t feel great! Apparently, Saturday was the start of him feeling lousy...his headache & exhaustion must have been more than just sun exposure. Because, since then, he’s been feeling more and more flu-like and has been struggling to get past it. I had no clue! He said that he actually had thought about cancelling lunch since he felt so yuck but that he wanted to see me. (BTW…I would have been completely devastated, if he had cancelled! Who knows the crazy spirals of obsession I would have tumbled into if he had bailed!) Anyhoo…despite feeling like poo, he still came out for lunch and still hung out after lunch with me for another half-hour or so until I had to run to catch my flight.

· He thinks about my health & well being above his own hormones. This one sucks because it meant that he didn’t kiss me before I flew off on my work trip. Not in greeting, not to say goodbye. Although he did tell me that he wanted to. [Goofy, cheesy grin] Still, though, he didn’t want to get me sick (even though I obviously got Saturday germs and didn’t get sick from those!) ;) He prioritized keeping me healthy during my meetings and on the plane above what could have been a very pleasant make-out session.

· He’s talked about the future...with me! And noooo…I don’t mean the “let’s get married and have babies” future. I’m talking about more of a month-to-month future. E.g.: He’s told me that I’ll be less white by the end of summer from all of my days on the lake. (Implying that I’ll be out there with him on his boat!) We’ve talked about movies we want to see together, restaurants we want to try, things we want to do together, and general around-town stuff we want to experience with each other. It feels like we have more plans already made than time to actually do those plans. And now, I just hope we get to keep all of those plans.

Okay, so what next?

I have several unread OKCupid messages sitting in my inbox, with no desire whatsoever to see what they have to say. I’ve been texted by the Roller-Skating-Potential-September, asking about my plans for the weekend, obviously angling to get something set up. No desire there, either, to respond. And I won’t even go into my recent interactions with Mr. May. (The poor, poor boy is so confused that I’m brushing off his invitations and I couldn’t care less from my happy little perch up here on my own personal fluffy Cloud 9).

Mr. September and I spoke on the phone for the first time just a week ago, Tuesday and went out for the first time a week ago today. What a difference a week makes!

I’m not naming kids. I’m not planning our wedding. I’m not even doodling our initials, intertwined. (I swear!!!) But from everything I’ve seen from him this far, I want to move forward. I know the value of taking it slow but I WANT to speed forward. I want him to know how I feel. I want confirmation in words that he actually feels about me the way that I think he does.

Is it wrong to want to tell him that I don’t want anyone else? Is it wrong to want that DTR (Define the Relationship) conversation? Is it wrong to feel that way already?

I think…I think…

I think I want him to be my 'boyfriend'.

Yep. I'm a little bit crazy!

S: Bah!

And, as usual, now that the frustration and hurt is subsiding, I miss him.

O.k., I always miss him.

But now I miss him more because I don't feel as bad as I did.

And yet, when I think about the coldness of just ignoring my last messages to him, the frustration comes back. Besides, I can't think of anything to say to him. And I don't want to sound like crazy ex-girlfriend. And I'd like for him to have to climb out on a limb a bit. Which means I must remain silent.

So I guess I have to just keep on missing him. And have the Sheila & Guy montage running through my head on an endless loop. And continue to wonder what life could be like if he wasn't being such a dumbass.

All I want in the world right now is for him to send me a message saying he misses me. I don't think it will happen and I want to sternum punch myself for even wanting it, but it is what it is. I want him to love me and miss me and want me and need me as much as I do him.

And that effing sucks.

This all effing sucks.

Bah!

Humbug!

S: More Guy Stuff

The jury is out on how annoying it is that the Guy situation is constantly changing.

My guess is that the biggest annoyance for you is how long the blog posts always are.

Anyway, just when I think I’ve got my brain wrapped around it, there is a crack on the surface and it all falls to pieces.

This is clearly one of the major problems with being involved in an undefined relationship. It breaks a lot.

Here’s what’s been happening…

Last Thursday, after our Wednesday night talk and establishment of non-relationship, I was again in Guy’s neighborhood for work. This time I texted him earlier to say I was around and see what was for dinner. He responded and a visit was arranged. Yay! This always puts me in a good mood. Not only would I get to hang with Guy and his son for dinner (yes, he was allowing me to hang with his son), but I would be able to procrastinate my usual Thursday night blog activities.

I went over a bit early because my work was complete, and as expected, dinner was not yet ready. Guy and his son were getting ready for a game of catch, so I joined them. Work clothes and all. We had a great time. I even had to do some punitive push-ups along with the other two for not catching with both hands.

Then, while we waited for Guy to finish up dinner, his son and I played a few rounds of Wii sports. We always have a good time with that. His kid is very easy to get along with.

Dinner was nice, and, in usual fashion, Guy was secretly handsy…sneaking little grabs here and there. He does that. It’s cute. And flattering.

After dinner, Guy’s son wanted to entrap him and tickle him which set off an epic tickle battle that included some surreptitious wandering hands courtesy of you-know-who. Good times. But then it was time for the young one to be off to bed. I finished cleaning up in the kitchen and then decided I should take off to get my Thursday night stuff done while Guy was occupied with bedtime or else I would never leave. Knowing full well that, good or bad idea, I would be back. The evening had been good and Guy had primed my pump.

I went back later, not having finished my blogging duties (putting them off until the next day) and had a great night with my not-boyfriend. He even started the night off my just snuggling up next to me to talk. He didn’t just dive right in.

Ok, this non-relationship stuff seems almost as good as the actual relationship stuff.

Friday morning we were awakened at 4 by his son knocking on the door, so Guy went upstairs with him to put him back to bed. Usually when this happens, he may fall asleep with him for a bit, but he always comes back. But when I woke up to head home, he hadn’t come back. No morning num nums. Sad.

We spent the day lamenting via text that we had not had any A.M. fun and that we wouldn’t get to have any P.M. fun because he was heading out of town for the weekend. At some point a day or two before I had suggested that he take me with him (I really wanted to go), but he declined. In fact, he had encouraged me to go out Saturday night and find my September date and then he would come home and satisfy me on Sunday.

Anyway, I told him he should have taken me with him because then we wouldn’t be in this sad “no num nums” situation.

I spent Friday night with a friend having great conversation. Even some words of wisdom about the Guy thing. But still, I missed Guy. I didn’t hear much from him that night, as he was with friends, but we did exchange some “missing you” good night messages.

On Saturday, I only heard from him sporadically, but that wasn’t a surprise. We were both busy with social activities. In fact, we were both watching the same sporting event (he was AT the event and I was watching it on TV with friends), so we spent most of the afternoon texting each other about what was happening with our team.

Then quiet.

I headed out for the night to celebrate a couple of birthdays, but suggested to him that he sober up and drive home so we can finish what we started on Thursday night. His (delayed) response was that he was hammered.

The evening was filled with good friends who all said they had missed seeing me out in the world. These are the friends I love just hanging with and having great conversations. And they know how to have a good time. Unfortunately, no prospects. I know them all. And dating in the group is a good way to get ostracized.

I didn’t pay attention to my phone all night. No messages from Guy.

On my way home, I needed pizza in a bad way, which is pretty much the norm for me after a night out. I just stopped at the 24-hour grocery store but considered for a moment going to Guy’s place and taking the frozen cheese pizza I know he bought for me before we broke up. So I texted him, trying to be cute (and to indicate that I was out LATE), and asked how wrong it would be to go to his house and steal that pizza.

Early the next morning, I finally got a reply. “Did you?” I told him that I was a good girl and bought my own.

No reply.

I knew he would be headed home for his son’s usual Sunday sporting events, but I expected to hear more from him. I thought he would want to see me. But 7 hours later, I had gotten no more from him. So I sent out an exploratory message saying that it bugged me that I got so bummed when I didn’t hear from him and then sending good vibes for his kid’s games.

A bit later he said they had lost one and the next one was coming up. I waited a bit and wished him luck for the next one.

A couple of hours later his response was that it was time to mow the lawn and how excited he was about that. To which I replied that I had just finished doing that very thing and I now I had the pleasure of a workout and I could feel his pain.

Then…nothing.

I kept trying to keep a conversation going so he would say something about seeing me, or at least open the door for me to ask about getting together. But nothing. I started to get paranoid that there was a reason that he was being distant. This is exactly what happens in an undefined relationship. This is when I start to worry about the “someone new.”

The evening passed with no messages from him and I settled in to get some blog work done. I logged into Facebook and the first thing I’m treated to is pictures from his weekend. I hate this part. And I hadn’t yet figured out how to hide his updates so I wouldn’t have to see this stuff. I don’t want to go so far as to unfriend him, but the pictures of him having fun with girls really bugs me.

Here’s where it all takes a turn. Actually, no, it all took a turn a month ago when he broke up with me. This is just all a result of the turn.

In an attempt to try to start up a conversation and maybe still get to a point where we could spend some time together that night, without it feeling like a booty call, I sent him a message about Facebook always wanting me to see pictures of him having fun with other girls. I was really just looking for some Facebook-is-evil-when-it-comes-to-relationships commiseration, because I know how he feels about that.

He said they were all married. Which is probably true. I didn’t look. But he does tend to be the guy his married girl friends can flirt with because he’s safe and fun.

I told him I hadn’t looked at the pics because it’s hard for me to see him having fun without me. Not that I don’t want him to have fun but that I miss having fun with him. (Part of this is because I had really wanted to go with him on that trip.) Then I told him I knew that was dumb but I couldn’t help it.

At this point, I saw he was logged into Facebook (another thing I need to get rid of) and finally chatted him saying I hate that I can see him there but I don’t know if I should chat with him or not. He said I was being goofy. I agreed and said I was silly. Then he was cute and blended the words and made me laugh. This kept it light…I thought.

Via text he asked if I had had fun on Saturday night. I said I had. He replied that he was sure there were boys having fun with me. I told him that there weren’t. That it was all people I knew who don’t think I’m hot. And, besides, I still miss having fun with him.

Then, silence.

A bit later (still hoping there would be a way for me to see him in a non-booty call way), I apologized and said I had just needed to vent about the evil that is Facebook. So someday he would know why I unfriended him. This may have been poorly worded. I don’t think my point was made very well and it definitely seemed rather negative.

Even later, having given up hope of seeing him based on the late hour, and having not heard anything from him, I tried to explain my weird mood. I told him I had thought I might have to talk him out of stuff that day (because I spent the day thinking we should maybe not do what we’ve been doing…knowing full well that’s exactly what I wanted to be doing), but when I didn’t have to talk him out of anything it got my mind going in the “he’s moved on” direction and it put me in a funk. Then I said it wasn’t his fault but that I was just trying to explain.

He replied wondering what I was going to have to talk him out of and then sent another message saying I confuse the crap out of him sometimes.

I responded that the “stuff” was sex and that I confuse the crap out of myself. And that he also confuses me.

I really wasn’t thinking straight at this point. I don’t know why. And I really don’t know what was going on in my head.

Then he wanted to know what about sex. I replied that as of Friday, I thought he would want to see me. I said that it was o.k. that he didn’t but it makes me think things that I’m not ready to think. And then said that that was my best guess as to what was going on. That and I think I had a fresh round of hormones starting to course through my veins. (And, ladies, we all know how that changes our thinking without our realizing it.)

A bit later he responded that he had wanted to see me but that he hadn’t heard much from me.

What?! I had been trying to start conversations with him all day and he never made any noise about wanting to see me. And, as you can see from my earlier blathering on, it was I who was not hearing from him.

Sometimes I’m pretty sure we are both on completely different planets.

This did nothing for my weird head stuff. My reply to him was that I had been sending him messages but that I feel like crazy ex-girlfriend if I send too many without hearing from him in between. Which is true. If he doesn’t respond, I take that as my cue.

Speaking of which…nothing.

Then, it just so happened that I was reading Jane’s posts about her Mr. September and I was feeling pretty bummed about how much she sounded like me a few months ago. I mean, great for her, but just a reminder for me. (There’s a post brewing about celebrating with your friends even when it hurts you. Go Jane! Be happy… you soooo deserve it.)

I let my mood get the best of me and texted him that I was reading her posts and she sounds like me when we met and that it was great for her but hard for me to read.

Silence.

Paranoid me wondered what he was thinking. Logical me figured he had fallen asleep.

A bit later I tried one more time. I live near a place that is rented out for events and often the bands are loud and keep me up with their annoying noise. I texted that I was in such a poop mood that I was about to call the cops.

He responded to this by saying if it was driving me nuts I could come to his place. And that he was heading to bed.

This felt like a booty call. For the first time…it seemed like a booty call. We hadn’t spent any time together that weekend. It was midnight. He was obviously going to bed. The part of my brain that makes me miserable told me not to go. Even though I had been waiting ALL DAY for an invitation. (The other issue being that I was in bed and looking like crap. Did I really want get up and get even a little bit ready?)

I was at least relieved that he still wanted to invite me over.

I sent a smile and thanked him but that I would try to stick it out there. Although a good cuddle would be nice. And then a bit later I told him to sleep well and thanked him for being patient with me that night.

He responded that it was too bad because his pump was primed. I smiled at that and said he would have to be primed some other day. And then I got an, “Ok?” And a message that I was indeed in a weird mood.

My response to that was that I was sorry for that and I just meant that I welcomed a future invitation to go over. And then the music got louder and I sent another message cursing it but figuring I wouldn’t get much sleep if I went to his place anyway.

His response to this was, “You had no intention of seeing me tonight…Correct?” And then, “Was it mess with Guy night?”

Ouch. He knows I don’t play. Had I not just spent the night explaining that I was in a weird mood but I didn’t know why? And then thanking him for his patience.

Now I had a fire to put out. I told him it was not “mess with Guy night” and that I did want to see him. That I had been hoping to spend some time with him. I told him that I knew I shouldn’t have been hoping he wanted to see me, but I was. And then I asked him to please not think that I mess with him. That he knows me better than that. I ended with, “I’m working through this as best I can."

Silence.

Not even the dignity of a reply.

Once again, paranoid me was concerned and logical me figured he fell asleep. Who knows? I keep trying to think positively.

The next morning (Monday…yesterday) I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. No…I woke up in the wrong bed. I was immediately bummed that I hadn’t woken up with Guy. I really wished I had just gone over there.

Right choice or wrong choice, I should have just gone there. I’m always miserable when I don’t.

So, to test the waters, I sent him a message saying that I missed waking up with him.

No response.

O.k. He’s busy. He had to get to work. He had a million meetings. This is typical. Well, typical if he can’t think of what to say to me. On the days he’s happy with me, I hear back. I get love.

I didn’t want to bug him during the day. Things were clearly unresolved and he obviously didn’t know what to say to me and I didn’t want to start anything while he was at work. That’s just not fair. But I did want to get the ball rolling on getting this resolved. I didn’t want him to feel badly toward me. AND I really really wanted to see him.

Not only was I feeling the need to be with him physically, I really wanted to share some things about my life with him. I had things I wanted to talk about with him. I needed his companionship as well.

I waited until the late afternoon and sent him a message saying I had made him speechless, hadn’t I?

His response was that he was afraid to engage in a conversation with me because he didn’t know which me he was going to get. And a sad face.

This hit me hard. It made me sound bipolar. It made me sound like the crazy ex-girlfriend I didn’t want to be. It made me very very sad to think I had made him not want to talk to me. The only response I could muster was a sad face with a tear.

And then I lost it all the way home. And more at home. I had made him not want to talk to me. Good job, Sheila. Way to be insane.

I had nothing to say to him for a long time. I didn’t know how to respond. Anything I came up with only made me sound like I was protesting too much. It felt like no matter what I said to him, I would sound crazy. So I stayed quiet. Even though I really wanted to see him and get this straightened out.

Finally, after not hearing anything from him, and as a way of just getting some closure (I mean, if I sound crazy to him and he has made me act crazy, perhaps this should just all be over), I sent a message saying that I wasn’t crazy but that I was hurting. That I was trying to balance being with him and protecting myself. That I got scared when he hadn’t shown interest on Sunday and I just shouldn’t have expressed it. Then I told him I didn’t want him to think I was nuts.

And that was it. That’s all I wanted to say. I wanted him to know I wasn’t crazy ex-girlfriend.

He actually replied right away that he didn’t say I was nuts. That he couldn’t understand where I was coming from on Sunday and that he hadn’t had the energy for it today.

Kind of ouchie. After all the patience I’ve had for him, he doesn’t have patience for me.

Because my first impression from his message was that he wanted to be left alone, I responded with, "O.k. I hear you."

And then I planned to leave him alone. If he didn’t have the energy…fine. I didn’t want to seem crazy anyway and it was starting to feel like he was driving me in that direction.

Unfortunately, I also still really wanted to see him. I still had things to share. I still missed being with him. I still wanted to wake up with him on Tuesday morning.

Why must I feel so many competing things all at once?

The other thing I wanted to do was admit that I had been wrong not to accept his invitation the night before. I thought this would make him feel better. He would get to be right. And he would know that I wanted to see him. So I sent him a message that I had made a mistake not going over and that I woke up frustrated with myself that I wasn’t with him.

He was still geared for a fight because his response was that I had frustrated and irritated him the night before. That he had wanted to see me but I had wanted to play games.

More ouch. It really hurts that he thinks I play games. And it completely sucks that he still hasn’t understood a word I’ve said. I didn’t want to go over all of this again, but I felt I had to defend myself.

So, I replied that I wasn’t playing games. I reiterated that he hadn’t said anything all day Sunday about wanting to see me and that took me by surprise. I told him that I wasn’t sure what game he thought I was playing but that I was sorry I had made him feel that way. And that I was sorry he would think I would do that.

No reply.

And finally I texted that I hadn’t been trying to throw us into another valley but that I was trying to start a conversation to see if he wanted to see me without going out on a limb and asking the potentially embarrassing question of whether or not he wanted to see me outright. That obviously it had gone wrong somewhere.

He never responded.

He has not had enough respect for me to even respond. Not even enough to tell me he doesn’t know what to say to me so he’s going to be quiet.

The thing is, I don’t have anything more to say to him either. If he can’t respond, I’m done trying. If this is how it ends, o.k. I’m ready. It makes things icky and awkward because there are unresolved issues, but I’m not going to chase him.

This is the problem with an undefined relationship. When this crap happens, there’s no reason to get it resolved. It used to be that when we would fall into these miscommunication traps, I would just finally demand that we talk and we would work it out and be closer for it. Now…what’s the point? Why work it out to just be broken up? I hate having unresolved issues with people I care about, but he’s not going to let me come talk this one out, so I’m not even going to try.

Besides, I’ve got OkCupid to distract me. It’s amazing, but I haven’t felt the need to text him all day. Usually, by now, I’m planning my strategy and thinking about what the right thing to say would be. Today…not so much. It’s refreshing.

Coincidentally, I can remember being at this place a month ago. I remember that first Friday night when I found out how nice it was not to be worried about whether or not I was doing the right thing all the time. I was ready to get on with my life. Hours after I expressed that on this blog, Guy was texting me saying he wanted to invite me over. And that was how I got dragged back in. That’s where all of this went awry. That is what has led to the crazy.

And that makes me blame him.

But I still love him.

And I do wonder if I’ll ever hear from him.

S: Online Dating...Continued

The online dating saga continues. As I suspected, this is, if nothing else, a good distraction for me. (There is more Guy stuff to update you on...so many blog posts...so little time.)

After one day, I hid my profiles on Match and Chemistry. What a complete waste of time. You can't do anything on those sites if you don't subscribe. And I was too much of a moron to realize this before I wasted a crap-ton of time filling out questionnaires and making up BS about how awesome I am.

What I did do was follow Jane's excellent example and sign up for OKCupid. Which is free and has an easy to navigate user interface.

Here's my problem. (Ok, one of my problems). Why is it that not a single man in or near my city can take a decent picture? Who are these guys? What's wrong with their faces?

This is why, to me, it's better to meet people in person. Because looks are so much less important when you are getting the full effect of someone's personality. If I strike up a conversation with someone somewhere, it's usually because I'm being a sassypants about something. If they can throw it back...done. Then perhaps there is an assessment of looks, but by then the light is positive and the judgment is softened.

Online, I find myself passing over guys very quickly because of how they look in their photos. That seems really wrong.

I also don't like assessing someone based on a cursory glance at how well they can describe themselves. This seems highly unfair.

In fact, assessing people at all seems unfair. I do not enjoy being a judge.

I do not like it Sam I Am.

Another issue...I've read a few of the profile pages and some of the guys seem interesting, but I still feel really hung up. Every time I have to consider what I'm looking for in someone, all I can think about is Guy. I stop...picture Guy in my head...and try to describe him. I don't do it on purpose. This is just automatically what happens. It's hard to decide if I'm at all interested in someone when I know exactly who I want to be with and that dude is not him.

Plus, I feel bad because so many of these guys are obviously looking for something special and I just need to finish out this damn challenge so I can go back to spintsting. (No, it's not a word, but it should be.) I've tried to be up front about the fact that I'm not planning to get involved, but in the framework of these sites, that makes me sound like some kind of slut. Like I'm just looking to hook up. It also begs the question, why be on a dating site if you aren't looking to get involved?

Another thing that I never considered...what do you do when you come across guys you know? Oh, hi friend of mine, I see you are on a dating site and now you see that I am. Let's not ever speak of this. P.S. You are so not the guy you describe in your profile, but whatevs.

Does this mean I know all the single guys in my city already? Eeeek! Do I commiserate with them? Is this awkward? Should it be? Why is there such embarrassment involved? Apparently I still harbor some kind of dating site stigma.

This is a whole new experience for me. Which I guess is a good thing. Wasn't that the point of all of this in the first place? Experiences. I've already been through what I just experienced over the last 6 months, so perhaps now is the time for something new.

O.k. That's it. I gotta go. I have 600 messages to reply to from a lot of random guys who think they are really hot. None of whom live anywhere near me or are in my preferred age range. Just what I needed. More administrative hoopla in my life.

It does beat wondering what I should be doing about my "relationship" with Guy. It is refreshing to focus on something else for a change. Even though focusing on dating at all is just a constant reminder of the fact that I'm back to dating.

S: Throwing in the Towel

I feel I should update you on the current situation with Guy, but I’m not entirely sure how. Everything is pretty inexplicable and I find myself just going with the flow and living in the moment.

As far as I can tell, Big Talk Day has been removed from the schedule. I think we had it. Well, we talked and I heard the same things I’m sure I would hear a couple of weeks from now. Which is why I’ve given up on him coming to any kind of realization.

The talk happened last Wednesday. Just a mere 3 days after my suggestion that we take a couple of weeks and decide where we are. Early in the week, he continued to be frustrated with my decree of time and space and no sex. He kept saying that I was withholding sex to get what I wanted. Like his ex did. For which he despised her.

This bothered me because it was unfair and nonsensical. And I just couldn’t make him understand. On Wednesday I asked if we could get together and talk in the evening because I wanted to get this straightened out so it wasn’t clouding our think time. I told him that it really disturbed me that he used the word “despise” in reference to what was going on.

At some point while we were exchanging messages, he suggested that since I mentioned needing to move on maybe I should forego the 2 weeks of no sex and just move on.

This was a slap in the face. I replied that this was why I wanted to talk. Because I didn’t think he understood what was going on in my head at all. I told him I wasn’t ready to give up but that if he doesn’t want me then I have to move on. Then I said that if he wants me to move on I will, but did he really want to do this to me via text.

He responded in the negative and that I was the one who kept talking about moving on. To which I replied that my true need was to know where his head is, but that I hadn’t wanted to put pressure on him. Then there was quiet on the text front. He never did respond about getting together to talk.

A few hours later, I was finishing up a job near his house wondering how to time dinner and more work when I decided to see if he was around and I could weasel a dinner out of him. I didn’t hear back right away, so I headed home. By the time he texted, I was already home. I told him as much and he didn’t respond.

Later, I was back in his neck of the woods after finishing work and running one final errand. I texted again, mainly because I wanted to have that talk. I needed him to understand me so he didn’t think I was being evil. This time I killed time while waiting for a reply.

Finally a cryptic reply came that I had teased him before and he needed to workout. I wasn’t sure what that meant so I said I was still in the neighborhood and asked if he was refusing. He replied that he was trying to decide if he was going to be stubborn like me and not let me come over. And then sent another message saying he would not be stubborn and I should come over.

Sometimes I want to shake him.

O.k., a lot of the time I want to shake him.

I made my way over there and we sat down to talk. We covered a lot of the same ground we’ve covered before. In fact, we talked about things I had not intended for us to talk about. I really just wanted to clear the air about the 2 week think time and the no sex thing. We went way beyond that.

He said he has strong feelings for me, that he trusts me and that he misses me when I’m not around. He also said that he knows it’s his own fault if he’s lonely without me. But he kept going back to not wanting to go through a difficult break up like his divorce. I still didn’t have the words to combat that. I can’t tell him what the future holds.

We talked about a lot of things. We snuggled on the couch. I told him that to completely move on I would probably have to cut him out of my life but that I really couldn’t do that right now. He asked if I wanted him to tell me I had to go away. I told him he didn’t get to that. It’s my choice. I just can’t do it.

And I don’t believe he would be o.k. without me around. This relationship hasn’t ended. But, it does seem like it isn’t going to go any further. He’s stuck on this fear that I’m going to hate him in a few years and break his heart. He doesn't have the courage to see what could happen with us.

O.k. Fine. There is no future for us. And so, I will live in the now. I will do what works for me now, because there isn’t any reason to think about what it would mean for the future.

After all the talking and cuddling and being close, I stayed. And it was good. It always brings us closer and makes the sun shine a little brighter the next day. It’s a little different outside of something more permanent, but it still makes both of us feel better.

So, this is me letting us go into the friends with benefits zone. Because I don’t care. There’s no future for us. I’m happier when I’m around him. He’s happier when he’s around me. It helps me get over thinking we should be together. I’m sure I’ll get bored with it soon enough. I just don’t have it in me yet to cut him out completely.

He knows I have to date. He even makes jokes about it. At first it bothered me that he was comfortable with it, but then I realized that he’s not. He’s making the jokes as a way of getting used to it, but I can tell he doesn’t want me to move on. (At some point I joked that he could just pay the $10 for me not to get a date every month. He may be considering it.)

I know how all of this sounds. It sounds like a poor choice, and maybe it is. I don’t know any more. At this point, no matter what I do, I doubt myself. When I spend time with him and stay close…I doubt. When I keep my distance and try to cut him out…I doubt. It feels good to be with him and it feels wrong to be at odds with him. Something continues to draw me back. I just can’t let go of how much better I feel when I’m with him.

I don't know which voices to listen to. Every time I listen to someone else, I get miserable. But when I listen to myself I get confused. I don't know if I'm hearing my head or my heart half the time. And when I do know, I'm not sure which one is right. They both know what's going on and they both know there will be ache at the end. They've known that since last February when all of this started. They are at odds at how to arrive at that ache.

The problem is that I’m just not sure when our how this undefined relationship ends. It’s bound to get messier before it gets cleaner.

I’m asking for it, I know. And, to quote Guy, "it’s my own damn fault."

S: Online Dating...Because I Have To

I spent a good deal of time today setting up profiles on Match and Chemistry. But only because I feel like I have to in order to finish out this challenge.

What I realized today is as I was filling out questionnaires and describing my ideal match is that I don't want to date. If the question "Who are you looking for?" isn't followed by a box next to the name Guy, then I'm not interested.

I don't want to get into a relationship. I didn't want to 7 months ago, but I did and I'm right back to not wanting to. I don't want to try to talk someone into wanting to go out with me. I don't want to come up with clever things to say and pretty pictures to make someone think I'm worth his time.

I don't care. I'm not interested. I don't want a boyfriend. I'm not looking for love.

I'd like to flirt a little bit. But otherwise, this sucks. And I don't want to do it.

But I will.

Because I feel like I have to.

And you heard it here first.

J: Does he like me? Will he call? When do I get to see him again? UPDATE

In answer to my questions...

1. Yes he likes me! (At least I'm purty dern sure of it! See #2) :)

2. Yes he called! (Okay, so I called him...but ONLY after he texted me telling me that he had been thinking about me & about all the fun we had yesterday and asked me to call when I was done with all of my stuff. I sent him a smiley face and told him that I'd call in an hour-ish. And I did. And we talked for an hour-ish...which just flew by. I know...I know...that's anti-"the Rules" again. But didn't I say I couldn't get enough of this guy?)

3. Tuesday. I get to see him again on Tuesday! :) :) :)

J: Does he like me? Will he call? When do I get to see him again?

Mr. September is amazing.

Yesterday, we had a really great day on the lake and afterwards went back to his place for pizza and (part of) a movie.

The “part of” was due to pure exhaustion. We both started off the day a bit sleepy from being out so late together the night before. Then, we were in the sun & water for hours, getting more and more burnt & dehydrated. By the time we got back to his place, there wasn’t a lot of hope for a full movie. But we gave it a valiant shot.

I was the one to finally call the night but at his front door, his kisses drew me back to the couch where we had a nice little extended make out session before I again dragged myself out the door.
Yum.

I don’t know if I can express how much I like this guy. I like all of the stuff that I’ve mentioned here already. But my new ”like” is that he notices the little things...and compliments them. His compliments alone are amazing…very specific & genuine. He must have been taught well by his mom & sister…or maybe it’s something good that came from his ex-wife? Who knows, who cares where it comes from! I just really appreciate it!

We also have this amazing chemistry. After our first kisses on Friday at one point he said “Well, that answers THAT question”. But I was so umm…distracted…(yeah, we’ll say ‘distracted’) at the time that I didn’t want to stop to ask him specifically what he meant. But, since then, I’ve spent a lot of time dissecting that comment because in my mind it could have meant several things. Last night, I asked exactly what he had meant. His response: “Sexual chemistry…we have it”.

Ummmm…yep. Absolutely! My thoughts exactly!

I can’t seem to get enough of this guy. It’s been a looooong, long time since I’ve been kissed so skillfully…and so thoroughly.

But when will I see him again?

This weekend was his child’s weekend with Mom so it worked out perfect for us. But today I’m getting ready for next week’s trip to New York for work and will be gone until Thursday night. He leaves on Friday for a trip to California and will be gone until the next weekend. And then when he gets back I’m sure that he’ll want to spend time with his kid. (From what I’ve seen so far, he seems to be a really great Dad.) Hopefully we’ll stay in touch. Hopefully we’ll be able to find some time to spend together somewhere in the midst of the craziness. Hopefully we can grow this relationship even further.

He knows that for me today is all about getting ready for my trip, spending some time with the girls and getting in a couple of dance classes. I really don’t think that he’s the kind of guy who would step on my plans or ask me to change them around for him. But today, I wish that he was. I want to spend more time with him…on a boat, on a plane, in a bookstore, watching a movie, grocery shopping, in a restaurant, on a hike…anywhere. Even with the risk of not getting to check everything off my to-do list.

But he doesn’t know that. And it’s probably better that way. There still needs to be a little mystery… a little delicious anticipation…a little flirty unavailability. There still needs to be a bit of a chase.

So for today, I’ll bask in my memories, knowing that if he asks, I’d be fully willing to drop my plans and hang out with him.

Even if it’s completely anti-“The Rules” and opposite of what I was saying just a couple of sentences ago.

I like this guy.

I want more of him.

Now, please!