J: Ninth Day

Today is officially the 9th day since I did the breaking.

I'm tired of being broken.

According to my scientific calculations: one week + two days is enough time to recover from a one month + two week relationship.

Besides, attitude is all in the way that you choose to look at things, right?

So, I guess I'll allow myself a few more hours of "poor-Jane-what's-so-wrong-with-her-that-no-one-can-love-her" and a couple of hours of "did-I-make-a-huge-mistake" and maybe a half-hour of "I'll-be-all-alone-forever".

Which should carry me right into my tenth day and leave just enough time to pick up my spirits and put a smile on my face for Mr. October.

J: Sad

I am way more sad than I should be.

My heart still hurts so badly.

It's been a week. Shouldn't I be over him by now?

All that I want is a phone call, a text, an email, hell...I'd take a post-it...saying that he misses me too...that his life is less bright without me in it.

Sheila reminds me that *I* was the one to reject *him*. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it just makes me think I'm a fool. I am the reason for all of my own sadness, afterall. Maybe he could have figured out how to love me. Maybeeeee????

But I'm not ever going to get that phone call. And that makes me sad. Because (let's all say it together) He. Just. Not. That. Into. Me.

I've seen his picture change on OKCupid, which means he's actively looking again. So much for "I really shouldn't be dating anyone right now". Yeah. Right. A gal pal says "Good! You want him to see how awful it is out there!" And I try to agree with her. I do try.

But I miss him. I miss the hug that I could have right now....after a terrible, awful day at work. I miss the mini-traditions that we were building. I miss having Christmas to look forward to...and his birthday to plan for...and even just checking the weather to see if it will be a good weekend for the lake.

I let myself get too deep.

And now, look...I have two dates ahead of me. I should be excited. I should have hope.

Sunday night I have dinner plans with another guy from OKCupid. (Hopefully nothing happens to change that...since I'm really pushing against the "October" boundary.) And Tuesday, I have lunch plans with Mr. Car Accident (hopefully soon to be renamed Mr. November).

I should be looking forward to getting to know these new gents. But already, I judge them by what I know about them compared to what I could have had....if I hadn't gotten impatient. If I hadn't thought it was so dern important to be adored. If I could have settled for "good enough".

Ugh. I gotta wipe away my tears, end this pity party and get outta here. It's doing me no good to sit around and mope about what coulda-been.

My boots are calling to me. It's time to go dance away these blues.

But, in the meantime, if anyone knows the secret to learning how to stop waiting for the phone to ring....I would pay good money for that intel.

J: Alone at Starbucks

I just got stood up.

I should be on my coffee date right now with Mr. October. Instead, I’m sitting here at a bistro table for two, all by my lonesome, typing up a blog especially for you.

The potential Mr. October texted me 10 minutes before the agreed upon time to tell me that he was stuck in the middle of a car accident. Apparently, it happened two hours ago and the police was just now taking statements.

I can’t really take this personally. I was still on the road, myself, when he texted me to cancel. It’s not like he showed up, saw me, drove away and texted me with the oh-so-bad news.

Since I was fitting this date in before a dance class anyways I texted back expressing my surprise & concern but also letting him know that I had set my my heart on a pumpkin latte and still needed to kill an hour before class, so I’d be here with a book. He should show up if he finished up sooner than expected.

Basically, I left another door open. Man, it’s getting breezy in here…

While I haven’t really been looking forward to tonight…now that it’s not happening, I’m a little disappointed. Is it pathetic to say that I needed this date? Even if I was the one who did the breaking, my ego still hurts. It would have helped to be able to say that in less than 4 days (not even 92 hours!!!!), I was out with someone new.

Luckily, last night I got a message from another chap that I was chatting with via OKCupid, in my pre-Mr. September days who noticed that I was back online. He asked me out for dinner on Wednesday. Initially, I was going to try to push him off for a week…only so that he could have the illustrious title of Mr. November (for his own benefit, of course!) Now, I’m glad that I waited to respond. While I already have plans on Wednesday, Thursday might just become (conveniently) available.

And if we make that happen, I guess I could still say “less than a week”.

J: Mr. Maybe October

I broke up with Mr. September on Thursday.

And this morning, I just made arrangements for a coffee date on Monday with the new Mr. October.

It looks like I’m not going to miss my October date after all. I’m not going to have to feed the piggy bank. I can maintain my perfect record for the year ‘o dating.

From the outside, there wasn’t a hiccup in this dating challenge at all.

From the outside, it’s almost as if Mr. September didn’t really mean anything more than Mr. August or Mr. February.

But he did.

From the inside, I’m still hurting & raw & still trying to understand why I wasn’t enough.

Granted, it made my ego feel a lot better to log back into OKCupid and find flocks of boys happy to see me back online…messaging me…chatting me up…asking me out. But is dating really a good idea when you consider that when my mind drifts to thoughts of Mr. September, I still get a little choked up?

I was supposed to be at church with Mr. September right now…at this very minute. It’s what we agreed to on Thursday night, during the lets-break-up-but-maybe-we-can-still-be-friends conversation. But after leaving his place, once I was on my own, I realized what a bad, bad idea "just friends" would be.

Going to church together and then lunch afterwards to discuss our thoughts and feelings around the pastor’s message? That’s pretty intimate. That’s not something that I would want to share with someone with whom I am trying not to expect to have any type of relationship at all.

So yesterday I texted letting him know that church wasn’t a good idea and that I’d be out late anyways and would most likely miss the early service that he was planning to attend. His response was “Okay, I hear ya…” Annnnd…that’s probably the end of Mr. September.

So…Hellllo Mr. October: cute, cute boy that I was flirting with pre-Mr. S. Apparently, he cooks. Bonus!

I don’t know if it’s a smart move but it’s what’s happening next. And, it has the added benefit of giving me something non-Mr. September to think about and look forward to.

And that is quite possibly exactly what I need right now.