J: Canoe vs. Kayak

My Dad came into town to visit me for the week. It was wonderful having him here and while I cherished the bonding time that a whole week of Daddy/Daughter time provided, it became very clear to me that at this point, I have fully embraced the single life.

For me, this week was an exercise in thinking in “Two’s”, something that I haven’t done in a very long time.

For seven years now, I have lived on my own. Yes, I’ve always had dogs, but dogs don’t feel cheated when one “cup” of coffee drains the entire coffee pot. Dogs don’t think it’s lame if the dinner plan is nothing more than a bowl of cereal. Dogs also don’t double the number of dishes that need to be done or have preferences regarding television shows or brands of ice cream. You also don’t have to tip toe around dogs in the morning, hoping not to wake them up.

But dogs also don’t fix all the squeaky hinges in the house, replace the light bulbs, hang pictures or put up new fences. I found that despite being out of the habit of “two’s”, I wouldn’t have traded this visit or the time with my Dad for anything!

I know that my mom has always made sure that his every need is met before he can even realize that there IS a need. While I realize that I can never really keep up with Mom’s level of attention, my hope is that he didn’t feel neglected by my fumbling attempts to overcome my one-ness for the week.

One of the most telling illustration of my single-ness happened when we decided to go for a paddle on a local lake. The question was whether we’d share a canoe or get individual kayaks.

In a kayak, you choose your own speed, you choose your own direction. You have no one to blame, but yourself, if you end up in the lake instead of floating on it.

In a canoe, (especially if you’re the person in the front) you’re completely dependent on the other person for movement in any specific direction. And no matter how hard you paddle by yourself, if you want to move quickly, you have to work together to move forward…or backward, if the situation requires (i.e. a little too close to the trees on the shore & the spider webs danglinging from them--eek!)

I’m sure you can probably guess which boat I would have preferred. But, in deference to Dad’s desire to bring along his good (and quite expensive) camera to get some good pictures, and to reduce the risk of said camera taking an unfortunate dunk, we went with the canoe.

Granted, there was a scary moment in the beginning when we were just a breath away from putting those lifejackets to their intended use…but in the end, what I really noticed was the great conversation that the canoe invited. I also noticed that the same route that on previous occasions had taken 30 minutes in a kayak, took just 15 minutes in a canoe.

So, now that my eyes have been opened to the fact that my natural inclination is for kayaks…and now that I’ve also seen that there are huge benefits to canoes, what does that mean in real life?

It tells me that I have some major control issues. So, what do I need to do to become more ‘relationship friendly’? How can I learn to really want to be part of a two in everyday life?

Is all this desire for a relationship something that in actuality, I wouldn’t know what to do with if it came along?

Scary!

Is this why I can’t find a real relationship…because I’m not really really ready? What will it take to BE ready? Isn’t it normal, after 7 years of singlehood to be comfortable with a solitary life…and yet yearn for more? Isn’t it normal, after 7 years of singlehood to be comfortable with my way of life and with the fact that I am independent and managing my life very well thankyaverymuch?

I guess the scary part is that as the years go by, it’s not getting any easier. I’m becoming more and more set in my ways…more comfortable with cooking for one and going to bed when I want to and complete control of the television remote and managing my own schedule and minding my own budget and only having myself to blame when my house is a mess.

I am becoming more comfortable paddling at my own speed in my own direction. And maybe that’s okay.

But maybe it also means that I just need to be aware of the fact that it might be all the more challenging to find that lifelong love. That I’m going to just have to be more patient. And also, that whoever he is…he’s going to have to be pretty darn special before I hand over my heart and give up my full independence & the very fulfilling single life that I’ve built for myself.

S: Un-Birthday Update

All is right with us as far as birthdays are concerned.

It’s now just a funny story and part of our mutual history.

Guy continues to feel bad about having the date wrong, but it really doesn’t bother me. He was merely thinking it was on a different day. It happens.

Of course, he won’t let himself live it down. In fact, he keeps telling people what he did so they can tell him what a jerk he is. Which they do. (One of his friends did commend him on his genius move…setting the bar low for next year.)

I defend him fiercely.

He’s no jerk.

To make up for the day, he took me out for a very tasty sushi dinner the next evening. And then bought me delicious birthday ice cream (as I had done for him on his birthday). His son was with us and that cut the evening short, until I went to his place later, but we had a great night together all the same. And it was sweet that he wanted to do something he knew I would enjoy. Especially since sushi is something special we share, as he had never tried it before dating me.

I know you’re probably wondering about a gift, but you must remember that in May he paid for me to take a fantastic, albeit short, vacation in Florida. At the time I made him make it my birthday gift because it was a lot of money to spend on me. And I told him not to get me anything else. So no gift was expected or warranted.

He has more than made up for his minor mistake. He does so many sweet and thoughtful things for me that I find it difficult to hold small errors over his head. Besides, he’s just too hot to be mad at.

And my job just ruined Jimmy Buffett weekend, so it’s my turn to hop on the profuse apology wagon.

S: Guy in a Tie

Just read a great post about our gentleman friends and how they dress over at one of my favorite blogs: My Flirty 30s, The Lively Times of Leaza (get into her here).

You should read it. It's spot on. (Elle, you *have* to read it because you would so relate). Do the click thing here to catch up and then come back here for the rest of the story.

Leaza's delightful post inspired me to blather on about some of Guy's fashion choices. Mostly because anything about men makes me think of him. And this blog is my safe place to go on and on about him so my friends don't start throwing office supplies at me.

I really have no problems with the way he dresses. He always looks good, even in just his undies. (O.k., especially in just his undies.) I did have to talk him into buying smaller shirts when we started dating. This man has a fantastic body and he needs to show it off, not hide it in bulky, tent-like XLs.

What fun is it to have a hottie on your arm if you aren't having to fight off the other women? And unbelievable arms, shoulders and abs must be shared with the world.

Anyway, my favorite thing about the way Guy dresses is when he decides it's tie day at work. Nothing beats him in slacks, a dress shirt and a tie. And he has these extra long dress socks that go over his calves. O...M...G...socks should not be that sexy. Sometimes he's late on tie day.

My only complaint is that I don't get to see him dress like that more often. I try to find reasons for us to go somewhere fancypants, or work it out so we can do lunch on tie day, just so I can gawk at him in his Sunday best.

He looks fantastic in everything, but tie day beats cargo shorts and t-shirts every time.

Although, truth be told, I don't even notice his Keens (which apparently would drive Leaza bonkers)...because I'm too busy staring at his tush.

Thanks for a fun post, Leaza. I will now imagine Guy in his workout shorts and nothing else. Mmmmmmm...

S: Un-Birthday

In case you are keeping score at home…he didn’t acknowledge my birthday.

BUT, he’s not a jerk. He had a very legitimate excuse (although, to hear him tell it, he didn’t). He had the wrong day. He thought it was Wednesday.

He didn’t forget, he just didn’t remember correctly.

This makes sense to me. It happens. And it totally explains the day. I mean, I really couldn’t understand what was going on. He’s not the kind of guy to forget a birthday. He’s very thoughtful. And he likes making plans for things, so he doesn’t just let stuff go by unnoticed.

This is why I couldn’t figure out why he never said anything all day. Of course, I probably should have said something, but I have this thing about telling people it’s my birthday. I don’t like to spend the day going around saying, “Hey! It’s my birthday! Celebrate me! Do things for me! Buy stuff for me! Love me!” If people notice…great, but I’m not going to make a thing about it. It’s just my birthday…there’s no reason to throw a parade.

So I just kept waiting and wondering when he was going to ask what I wanted to do that evening.

There was ample opportunity. He stopped by my house to pick up things he had brought for the weekend’s party (See? Thoughtful…he made the party even better with his table and tent and very fun party attitude the whole night.), but said nothing.

I told him a story from the day that included a bit about someone wishing me a happy birthday and still…not a glimmer.

Then he half-assed said something about seeing me later and drove off to make dinner for his son. Not…a…word.

Again, I didn’t want to make a deal about it, but after he drove away, I got more disappointed than I expected to. I was actually sad. So, knowing full well that when I saw him later he would wonder why I was not my usual self, I figured I better tell him what was going on. I sent him a text telling him it was my birthday.

He immediately felt bad and apologized and told me that for some reason he had Wednesday in his head. Between phone calls from my family, I texted him that it was o.k. and not a big deal. It happens.

But he still didn’t make any plans. There was no invitation to come over right away to do something to make up for it. So, when my girlfriends, who I had blown off for dinner in case I had birthday plans, twisted my arm to join them, I went.

This caused trouble. He never received my last response telling him that I understood how a mistake can be made in the first year. He thought I was mad and being silent. And then I was silent for hours. Next thing he hears is that I spent the evening with the girls. Instead of him. He thought I was punishing him.

I wasn’t. That never occurred to me. I just wanted to do something so I wasn’t at home being disappointed. And I didn’t know he hadn’t received my text. In fact, in my world, I hadn’t heard from him for hours. I thought that somehow now I had done something wrong.

Then it got messy.

Although, you’d be proud, I held my own and didn’t even need my usual discussion lag time to respond to his points. For once I felt like I was at his level. This probably shouldn’t seem like a victory, but I really feel like I’m growing.

We talked. I almost walked. We talked some more. And we got it all straightened out.

Here’s the problem, text messages seem easy and convenient, but we so often miscommunicate through them and miss them altogether sometimes if they’re delayed, that our reliance on them gets in the way. Usually, you can trace frustrations we have back to misread or never received messages.

And we know this. Yet we still do it.

The good thing is we always work through it until we get to the bottom of it and realize where it all went south. This time was no different. We just kept at it until we both got to say what we were feeling AND feel like the other understood our perspective.

And then it was done.

And, hey, text messages aren’t all bad. This morning I was sent a very enthusiastic “I love you!” Nothing to misread there.

S: Of Birthdays and Such

So, today is my birthday. This has not been mentioned by a certain someone. I’m wondering if it will go unnoticed.

It’s really o.k. if it does, I mean, it’s just a day, right? And lots of other people have wished me a good day. I even got a free lunch. That should be enough. Yes? It shouldn’t matter if it’s just a Monday in his world. He’s got a lot going on. I know I’m not the center of his universe.

But still…celebrating special days can be so great when you have someone to celebrate with. Which makes it more of a downer when that someone doesn’t realize it’s a special day.

I’ve said it here before, the actual day of my birth is rarely a very good day, so it’s always better if I don’t think it’s going to be. I can’t be disappointed if my expectations are low.

This means that today is merely Monday, June 21^st. The first day of Summer. That is all. Happy solstice to you!

O.k., that’s out of the way, now for the "such" indicated in the title.

We had a doozy of a fight on Friday night. I’m no good at fights. I can’t argue. Really, I can’t. I’m completely incapable. It seems like a simple skill but I’m usually so surprised by what’s being reacted to or brought up that I can’t come up with quick responses.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. And by “lover,” I mean “bottler.” I won’t start a fight. I’ll just bottle the feelings up until they turn my soul into Swiss cheese. I avoid a conflict at all costs. All.

I realize this is unhealthy. I never said it was good. It just is what it is. But I’m trying to get better.

Of course, it doesn’t help that he is very adept at fighting. He starts talking to me like I’m a child and arguing me into corners by asking leading questions that have only one answer. And before I realize it, he’s shut me up while completely missing the point of everything.

I hate that I can’t fight. Always have.

This time I didn’t give up once I got cornered. It took me a few minutes, but I called him and made my point when I was able to think straight. Then, being very angry and not finished, I got in my car and drove to his house to do the thing that was the catalyst for the fight in the first place.

He wasn’t so happy about this. Nor did I expect him to be. Nor did I care. I was mad. I don’t usually express my anger, so I was kind of proud of myself for doing so.

The good thing is that, unlike in the past, I know that a fight is just a fight. It doesn’t mean we should not be together. And this one blew over quickly. I think he was over it faster than I was. The next morning, I wasn’t sure if we were on speaking terms or not. I couldn’t take it anymore so I sent him a text. Turns out everything was good.

So, apparently, you can fight and be mad and still be o.k.

Unless birthdays are forgotten. Then there’s trouble.

And lastly, this weekend is Jimmy Buffett weekend. On Friday (the work gods willing), we will endure a 5 hour road trip in order to spend the weekend maintaining a good buzz, hanging with friends and enjoying some cheeseburgers in paradise.

What’s fun about this, aside from being a weekend of debauchery, is that this is a date that he asked me on within the first couple of weeks of us going out. At the time it seemed dangerous to imagine we would still be seeing each other that far in the future. It also seemed strange that he would ask me on such a road trip when we had only been dating a couple of weeks. He must have been very confident about us.

And I suppose he was right. Just don’t tell him I said so.

Anyway, hopefully I have excellent stories of good times for you next week.

J: Happy Birthday Femmebuds!!!

How crazy that all three of us have summer birthdays. Even crazier, two-thirds of us have birthdays within not only the same month…but also within two days of each other!

One of the best things about this challenge has been the way the blog has kept us in contact…yes, yes, we stayed in touch before, but not like now. It’s been so much fun to strategize about getting our dates in time, sharing stories about those dates, and then watching both of you fall in love.

I want to make sure that you both know how much I love you and how lucky I am to be called your friend.

Have a great year! Love a lot, laugh as much as possible and live as fully as you can.