J: An actual second date!

Mr. April actually called and asked me out and I’m so thrilled! Even though our movie date “counted” as a date for the purposes of this challenge, I feel a little better that I will be going on at least one date that was initiated by the guy, before the end of the month.

So…he asked me out for dinner on Friday and suggested a GREAT place that’s actually in my neighborhood. He offered to pick me up (which I declined). And best of all, he was completely flexible with the timing. He was even okay with meeting at 8 for dinner to accommodate my insane dance class schedule.

This time, he’s basically done this “asking-out-on-a-date” stuff completely by the book and I must say…I’m impressed.

I’m thinking he might really be a good one…we shall see….

Oh yeah…and in all my “HE asked ME out” excitement, I almost forgot to mention that I ALSO just got my May date lined up, already! It’s another blind date, set up by a good friend. The friend told this guy about my crazy “Month ‘o Dance” and told him that he’d need to be patient when it came to finding time for the two of us to get together. Despite her warning, he called with a really creative idea for meeting up…and how could I resist? Whew…I can’t tell you how good it feels to have next month already lined up and ready to go!

Heeeey…I just realized…with everything going on, I’ve hardly had time to obsess about either of those two other boys! Why would waste my time or energy on either of them I when I have so much other fun stuff going on. Nothing like removing all the eggs from that one basket and spreading them around, huh? Life seems much easier when I‘m not obsessing!

Yeee-ha! Things are finally, FINALLY feeling like they’re getting back to normal.

S: Walking on the Edge

There wasn't really any making up last night. And I am very worried today. To the point of distraction.

Guy and I talked about what had transpired in the morning, which led down a path of other things and opened his eyes to something that had been an issue in his former marriage (oh how I hate having any similarities to his ex-wife). And now his lack of faith in the permanence of feelings is getting the better of him and he's putting up a wall. He's decided that eventually I will leave him. I will get sick of the same things his ex got sick of and I will walk away, leaving him once again to pick up pieces. Both his and those of his son.

I can't look into the future, so I don't know what will happen. And, personally, I don't have a lot of faith in forever either, based on my own experiences, so who am I to talk? How do I combat this? I want to tell him that I'm not going to walk away, but it's been 2 months, so much more could happen that we haven't even yet begun to fathom. And we already know there are deal breaker level issues to work through.

But so far, I feel like I'm in it. I love him. A lot. And when we have conflict, my desire is not to run but to get past it and move forward. When we miscommunicate and get frustrated, I don't find myself disliking him or being frustrated with who he is. In the moment, I know I love him and am just frustrated with the situation. And I always know he loves me and we can get it figured out.

Will that change? I don't know.

And how can I promise him that I can stay committed when I broke an engagement? There are certain circumstances that would have kept me in my previous relationship, but really, it was a different situation. I believe. IS this relationship different or are they all basically the same?

I know he is thinking about what I said I had been feeling and what it means for him and our relationship and right now I'm really scared that he's going to make a preemptive strike. I asked him flat out that if he thought I was just going to leave him eventually does he just want me to go now rather than drag it out and he replied that he thought that's what I was prepping him for during the conversation.

But I don't want to leave. That is the exact opposite of what I want. I want to stay and keep figuring "us" out. When I articulated what I had been feeling, it wasn't because I thought I needed to extract myself from the situation to stop feeling it, it was because I didn't want to bottle it and I thought we could work through it.

I'm just worried that he will find it easier to break up with me than figure it out. Especially if he thinks I'm just going to go away anyway. I'm scared that he's going to decide that it's not worth the risk...that I'm not worth the heartbreak and he's going to break up with me before I take up any more of his life.

And that would be that.

I would recover. I'm resilient and I put up walls fast. But I wouldn't let myself be fooled again into thinking there is such a thing as what we have right now. I would not deny my spinsterhood for another if this is how this ends up going down. I would no longer believe.

And worst of all, I would be without him.

To me, the thought of life without him is far more grim and unimaginable than any issue we may come across...any hurdle we may have to leap over...any conflict we may have to resolve. Life with him may not always be perfect, but if it involves him, how bad can it be? How could I choose "go away" over "stay in his arms?" Even if those arms are tense sometimes.

Right now, I'm doing my best to battle his wall-building. He's going into protective mode (which is what I REALLY want to do myself, but know how that would tailspin us to the ground) and I'm staying right up in his grill. I told him that I see a future with him and everything about this relationship is worth the risk. I'm not letting him put walls up without a fight.

I tell you what, dating after the age of 25 is difficult. There is so much baggage to deal with. So many preconceptions about what things mean and where things will end up. So many feelings based on what's happened in the past. Even though the circumstances shouldn't be compared...one can't help but draw lines and make conclusions. Isn't that living and learning?

All I know is that I feel differently about Guy. Why can't this be different? Why couldn't we have what it takes to keep making it work no matter what comes at us?

I don't know.

All I know is that this is far too good to be over now.

S: Not Such a Beautiful Morning

The day did not start well with Guy. I don't know what's going on. I mean, there are surface issues...little stuff...but it just seems like lately he's trying to find stuff wrong. He sees issues in everything when really there are no problems at all.

This being the case, he kind of picked a fight this morning. As I was leaving. So we couldn't really work it out and I had to leave angry.

The difference today is that instead of feeling defensive and like I had once again screwed something up, it was my turn to be frustrated. I don't feel bad at all. I'm mad. He's inventing issues and it's not fair for me to always be on the defense.

The good news is that I had a good workout when I got home. I was actually energized because I didn't feel like I had messed up. Nothing like being ticked with your (still very lovable and cute even when he's making you mad) boyfriend to really give you something to work out with those weights. This helped me get past some of the frustration and think a little more clearly.

But this isn't over. And I'm not taking the fall. I'm not going to apologize all over myself or spend the day wondering what I did wrong this time.

O.k., well, maybe we'll meet in the middle on who did what and how it affected the other. But I refuse to feel bad.

The comfort in all of this (and the point of blogging our drama) is that I don't feel like fleeing the scene. I don't want to bag it. I know he loves me and we'll get to the bottom of the issue and address what's really going on. My feelings for him are not changed.

I keep saying this (because it's amazing to me), but this is not normal in my world. I'm not a fighter. I've always had huge issues with conflict...which is one of the reasons my engagement ended without a white dress and cake. He and I never fought because I was (well, we both were) afraid of fighting, and therefore, we never resolved anything.

I have such a strong need to be liked and to please people that fighting scares me. It makes me feel like that person is not going to like me any more. It makes me feel like things will be over and there will be nothing I can do about it. I have always avoided conflict at all costs.

But I don't feel like that now. I'm not worried that if we disagree it means that we have to break up and never see each other again. In fact, the disagreements have been good. We are learning how to get along and stay stable together and we are always closer afterwards.

If I think about it, most of my really strong and longest lasting relationships have involved a big conflict at some point and, you know what, those people are all still in my life. So my fears are irrational, and it feels damn good to be facing them head-on and dealing with stuff as it happens. My inner bottle has been empty and uncorked for so long, I may be able to give up the Pepto.

Now...wish me luck for some good making up tonight.

J: Too Busy?

Ya’ll know my passion for dancing by now, yes? Well I recently found out about local dance studio that has a phenomenal special for first time dancers. You pay one (hugely discounted) price for unlimited classes and they’ll throw in 4 private lessons for free.

Well, those classes started tonight. I spend an hour each, in classes learning the Viennese Waltz, Hustle, Two Step & Argentine Tango…and oh, my friends, I’m exhausted!

And this is just the start of the craziness. I counted up all the classes I’ll be taking. They range from West Coast Swing to Bellydancing…and I’m planning to take 21 of them…per week.

Insane, yes?

I’m hoping for several things: First, I hope that all this work will make me a total kick-butt dancer. Second, I hope all this exercise helps me drop some major weight. Third, I really wouldn’t mind meeting my Mr. May in one of these classes.

But I’m also betting on major exhaustion…and some serious blisters…and a messy house….and frustrated friends…and also more freaking out when I just don’t have time to chase down a May (if one doesn’t cha-cha his way into my heart.)

It’s just a month. Why not go all out? In the scope of things, a month isn’t thaaaaat long…right?

S: The Good, The Bad, The Weekends

What a fantastic weekend!

Gloat. Gloat. Gloat.

My goal of spending as much time with Guy as possible was achieved. To the detriment of my home and social life. And glutes.

Friday was a bit rough. We were both tired and overly sensitive and had thought the evening would end up differently. But even though it wasn't what I had in mind and there were some less than lovey dovey moments, it was still just great to be with him. This is a different reaction for me.

When I'm with someone and I know they are frustrated with me, I have a tendency to match the mood and then crawl into my shell and hide, thus escalating the frustration. But with Guy, I feel confident enough in the relationship to know the frustration is temporary, so I don't hide and I can look at him and love him and not start thinking that maybe it is all too difficult.

The point of this being that despite our moods, we still managed to have a good night together.

Saturday was perfect. We had a great morning...enough said. And then, I had been invited to join Guy on a bike ride with some friends. This ride was supposed to take the better part of the afternoon and go for some distance. I really needed to stay home and get my house cleaned. (The place is an absolute pit right now. The cats just don't take care of it like they should.) But about 10 minutes after he dropped me off with a teasing, "It's beautiful out...you should come. You can clean when you're dead," I was texting him that I did want to go and I could clean some other time.

Like this weekend when he's gone and I am sad and lonely and pathetic.

And so, it was back to Guy's place to get suited and biked up for a long ride. And it was a long ride. For me anyway. 36 miles. With some beer stops to break it up. We would have gone 40, but the rain rolled in and we headed back home earlier than planned. At which point we decided a massive dinner of pasta and red sauce was the way to go. 36 miles! We deserved it.

O.k., now, the plan was to attend a friend's birthday party for a bit that night and then get back to "us" time for the rest of the evening. This did not so much come to pass. Apparently...and who would have guessed it...but apparently, a 36 mile bike ride and oodles of noodles will pretty much make you not want to do anything but snuggle on the couch for the rest of the night.

Which is what we did.

And it was good.

My friend will have another birthday next year and I'm sure I'll make it to that one.

And suddenly it's Sunday morning and I'm being made chocolate chip pancakes by a half naked hottie in the kitchen. So much yummy-ness in one room. I'm not sure how I even survived it.

At this point, we both thought it best to put our noses to the grindstone and get some responsible adult things accomplished before the weekend was over. Which we did. And then I remembered that an old friend was going to be in town...ish for the night and I promised to drive out to see her. So no quantity time with Guy that evening.

But we managed to sneak in just a bit more quality time...late...and eke out as many weekend moments as we could.

Because this weekend will not be so good.

And the sad news is that the weekend after that may be even worse.

I'm supposed to be going on vacation with Guy next weekend. A trip that we've been talking about for almost as long as we've been dating. A trip for which Guy *just* purchased my plane tickets as a gift. A trip that there is a good chance I will not be able to take with him now.

Because I may have just picked up a job that will cause me to miss my flight out. This is the way when one freelances. And this totally figures since I've had a really slow year. I finally get a call for a good booking that could help bolster my quickly dwindling funds and it just so happens to fall on top of the one thing I've been looking forward to for months and the one thing that can't be rearranged.

You have no idea how this saddens me. I would love to be 100% excited about this job, but I can't because it is most likely going to make me miss out on a wonderful time with Guy. AND I will have to unceremoniously return a rather generous gift. And disappoint someone who does not deserve to be disappointed.

There is a chance that the job will be complete the day before I fly out...and so my fingers are tightly crossed (which makes typing this post rather difficult). I have also found a flight and shuttle ride that could get me close to them for not too much money the next day. So, as is the usual in Sheila's World, hope springs eternal. Maybe this one time my good news doesn't have to be delivered with bad news. Perhaps I've been a nice girl and I'll get a double dose of good and get to eat the cake that I have.

Otherwise, May is going to be one long, dreary month.