J: Mmmmm....musicians

Woooow…what is it about a man who can sing?

Walking down the street, you might not notice him but once he picks up a guitar and opens that beautiful mouth…magic.

I want a musician. I want all those songs filled with yearning and true love to be written about me. I want him to sing that song about me and for me and to me!

Now…I realize that the practical aspect of actually being in a relationship with a musician isn’t as perfect as the dream. Being truly successful requires days and weeks and months away from home, on the road. There’s the lure of alcohol and drugs...and sex. There’s groupies (like me tonight)…hormone crazed women who desire that wonderful voice and all it promises.

Plus, unfortunately there’s usually a pretty big ego attached to that charming personality and magical performance.

But…sigh…for that hour or two when I’m allowed to forget the practicalities and admire and cheer and sing along and gaze longingly and dream and desire to my little heart’s content…I’ll happily dole out big money for tickets to that show!

S: Rank or Tank

This past Sunday night was not such a good night in Sheila’s world. I messed up with my fella and made him feel less than loved. Which led to a rather lengthy discussion (instead of more enjoyable extracurricular activities) and no concrete resolution.

This meant going to sleep out of sorts, waking up out of sorts and spending the better part of the next day utterly out of sorts. We’re both just no good when “we” are no good.

It’s entirely possible that I’m not so skilled at this whole girlfriend thing. As much as I love spending time with Guy…and despite the fact that I do my best to see him during any spare minute I have (right down to driving by his office if I’m early for a meeting downtown)…I still find in necessary to do my own thing.

I have a lot on my plate and I’m having a tough time making Guy a schedule priority, even though he has quickly become one of the most important parts of my life. At this point, anything and everything I do would suck if I didn’t have him around.

So how did I manage to make him feel like I didn’t want to see him, despite the fact that ALL I wanted to do was see him? Well, for starters, I missed his insinuation that since he had his afternoon and evening free, he wanted to spend them with me. I’m dense. I’m a dude when it comes to catching hints. Which means, basically, I don't.

And, also, I was feeling overwhelmed with “to do” list items that had remained undone over the week. I saw an open date on the calendar and thought “Yay! I can get all these things done!” Instead of “Yay! I can spend the day doing what I really want to do, which is enjoying the amazingly wonderful company of my squeeze.” These were not huge things, and if we had a specific date arranged, I could have easily let them go.

My inherent and irrational need to cross things off my list had me busy with yard work all day while I thought about Guy the entire time and wished I were with him. Meanwhile, he felt like I had blown him off by A. not letting him come over and help me in my yard (I didn’t want to take advantage…it’s my yard, it’s my responsibility) and B. suggesting we don’t get together until much later than he was hoping.

I had no idea what he had in mind. He was trying to accommodate me and not be pushy, but that left me to dictate the terms of the day and hurt his feelings by choosing poorly. I'm a goal-oriented opportunist, so I jumped at the chance to do some list obliteration, without considering the consequences.

I’m busy. He’s busy. It’s tough to maintain a relationship with busy lives. We spend a lot of time just going to each others’ houses to sleep at night. We don’t get a lot of quantity time together. We don’t get to just hang out a lot. It’s great that we can manage to get any time together at all, but it would be nice if it involved more than work and sleep. (And, surprisingly, LOTS of extracurriculars. We always find time for that.).

Guy is struggling with how busy and independent I am. With my work life, my social life, my home life. I freelance, so I always have to be doing a lot of things to generate opportunities and make connections. I spend a lot of time working on projects that I can only hope turn into something valuable eventually. This can sometimes be hard to understand. I also have to constantly be making connections, which means going to a lot of social events to mingle and meet people. Sometimes it’s hard to explain that this work and not just play. And I own my home. My home with a GIANT yard. The maintenance of home and yard takes a lot of effort and is never done.

All of these things are important and keep me busy, but to me, Guy is far more important than they are. But I can’t just let everything go, can I? I need income. I need a maintained home. I need a life outside of my boyfriend. These are things I must do, even though they don’t rank above my hunk of love on the priority scale.

What do I do? How do I balance?

He really is very patient and understanding, but he also wants to feel like I need to spend as much time with him as he does with me. And the fact is that I do. He realizes I spend every spare moment I can with him. I go to his house when he has his son and can’t go out. I do my work there just so I can sit next to him. I stop by his office if I’m downtown during the day. It’s not like we go more than 36 hours at any given time without seeing each other. But something about my behavior has made him feel like I don’t make him a priority.

Perhaps it was an isolated incident. I mean, I really didn’t get that he wanted to spend the day with me. I thought he was just being gentlemanly, offering to help in my yard. I thought he had his own things to accomplish that day and I was giving him room. I thought he understood that getting together in the evening still constituted quantity date time to me.

Once again, we both made some assumptions and that of course caused miscommunication. What stinks is that we didn’t really come up with a great solution to the whole busy thing. It will get in the way again. The question is, can we sustain at this pace? When will we cry “uncle” and throw in the towel because something’s gotta give? When will this all be too much?

Or will something else give instead? How can we choose? Sometimes “happy” and “surviving” are mutually exclusive.

Fortunately, we are good at talking things through with each other. We don’t swallow these feelings and let them burn holes inside us. I just hope we can keep it up. There are days when I need him and there are days when I REALLY REALLY need him. And for independent me, that’s saying a lot. I want him to stick around, so I need show him (not just tell him) where he ranks on the priority scale.

Maybe someone has posted instructions for adding more hours to the day on the interwebs somewhere. That would solve everything.

Meanwhile...I need a nap.

S: Priorities...Yes

Yes. I owe you a post.

Yes. That post is halfway written.

Yes. I am going over to Guy's place for the night instead of staying up late to finish writing it.

Yes. I get the feeling I'm letting everything go to spend every spare (and not-so-spare) minute with my squeeze.

I'm trying to be responsible and do the things I tell myself and other people that I'm going to do, but all I can think about is when I get to see Guy next. Then I wonder how long this can go on in this way. How long can I just barely be juggling all the balls before everything crashes down and I'm buried under the rubble?

But then the thought of being out of the crush phase makes me a bit sad. All too soon we'll both be back to making adult decisions and not behaving like kids. We'll get enough sleep. We won't be late for stuff because we wanted a little more "quality" time together. We won't find excuses to just happen to be in the neighborhood.

And we'll be able to keep our hands off of each other.

I guess I'll take this running around like crazy while I can get it. I don't like the sound of the alternative.

O.k., that's it, I gotta go. Someone is waiting for me.

Damn I'm lucky.

J: A night in

Well…tonight I was supposed to be out dancing.

That’s what my calendar says I’m supposed to be doing right now anyways. But, something I ate for dinner just didn’t settle well so I used that as the excuse I needed to go home, drink a glass of wine and spend some quality time with my DVR.

Which leads to an interesting question: Since when do I need an *excuse* to stay at home?

Several years ago it was an odd thing for me to actually go out but now I feel like I have to explain the reason I'm staying at home?

Maybe it’s because I don’t have Mr. April lined up…or even have anyone in mind for the prestigious title. The only guys that I could conceivably “work on” I’ve already declared as “unattainable”. And most likely they wouldn’t actually be interested in a date.

So now what? How the heck am I going to find Mr. April?

I have an acquaintance who has a friend who she’d be willing to set me up with, but for some reason, this month I’m a little embarrassed to ask. I think I’ll probably wait until after the weekend and if no other possibilities show up, I’ll bite the bullet and reach out to her.

I really don’t want to have to go back to resorting on blind dates. Maybe it’s finally time to move to the digital world and get onto Match.

E: Hey, it's Elle....remember me?

I broke a date club rule - did a date club no-no....I haven't blogged since mid-March! Honest to goodness, I sat down to blog many a time, only to get interrupted and not get back to it. The second half of March was even more eventful than the first half. Lemme see, where do I start...

Let's start with boys. Always good to start with boys! In addition to Mr. March, I also went out with "March Man 1" and "March Man 2". I'm happy to say that I now seem to be in a dating pattern, with at least 1 date every weekend! The Elle of last year would never have believed this about herself. I think I had all of 8 or 9 dates in ALL of 2009. But the Elle of this decade is now a dating machine. :) Thanks mostly in part to Match.com.

March Man 1 was a local professional who listed cute randoms about himself such as he only likes his cheerios with chocolate milk. Adorable. Also, he emailed to tell me what beautiful eyes I have and how they are perfectly complemented by my smile. (awww, you know I eat that stuff up). He asked me to go out for a drink down by the water, and we stumbled upon this great band, and it was beautiful outside....the makings for a romantic evening. Only I wasn't really digging him. You know, there is so much to a man and what makes us like them. Like the song says, "the way you walk, the clothes you wear, they way you move, the style of your hair." or something to that effect. My dislike for this guy can only be summed up in that way - he carried himself like he didn't have much confidence. And that was a turn-off for me.

March Man 2, however, was a lot of fun. And has a lot going for him and a lot of what I look for in a guy. And let's just say he has a really good profession, with lots of letters behind his name, and lots of figures behind the dollar sign in his salary. And he is down to earth and very, very into me. Our first date was to a little beach village in my coastal town (did I mention spring break?) Don't worry, though, I learned my lesson and did NOT act like a spring break gal this time! (as an aside, February Fellow #4, who had the not-so-pleasant experience of watching me lose my cookies after acting like a spring breaker, wrote me a nice little email after the experience telling me that the cookie experience had nothing whatsoever to do with his decision, but he has determined that we just are not a good match. Ok, I believe you, buddy. No, i really DON'T believe you, but I don't blame you either!)

Anyway, back to my date with MM2. We had a good first date down by the beach. Great conversation, etc... however, I couldn't shake the fact that he just wasn't as cute in real life as he appeared in his pictures. Maybe it was the fact that he had on a shirt and tie in his photo (i love that about a man) and tonight he was sporting his "beach attire" - faded navy polo shirt and khaki shorts. And of course no tan. The date ended with him wanting to get together again as soon as possible, and I was down with that. After all, I'm not so shallow as to not date someone who has amazing potential, but less-than-fortunate genes.

Our second date took place 2 days later on Sunday evening. After hours of rain, we settled on dinner and a movie. He came to pick me up...wearing his apparent movie attire....a faded navy polo shirt and jeans. Hmmmm, I know what you did on Saturday - laundry! We headed out to dinner and enjoyed a comedy. And while dinner conversation was good, I found the need for him to have his arm around me the entire time at the movies to be kind of annoying. I mean, I have neck issues, and the way he had his arm at times had me leaning and was starting to hurt my neck. And it wasn't like we were snuggled up - he had a whole tub of popcorn on his lap, and was holding it, eating it and wrapped around me at the same time. And sometimes when I would look at him and laugh at the movie, he would bend over and plant a salty one on my lips.

It's flattering to be out with someone who is so excited to be out with you. And for that reason, even though I did not find him anymore attractive than the last date, I decided to give him one more try. He asked me out for the following weekend, and I told him I was free Friday night.

Throughout the week Mr. Romance did his best to keep me in suspense about what our magical Friday night date would entail. He would text me mysterious hints, asking what I was doing on Easter, etc. To which I replied I had plans. (Hey, an egg hunt with my nephew is plans.) Mid-week MM2 finally reveals to me what his grandious plans for Date #3 were, almost. He said that he was trying to fly us to Vegas for the weekend, leaving Friday night and coming back on Sunday! I was in complete and utter shock, and a little horrified. What was this guy thinking?? Never mind the fact I had plans both Saturday and Sunday, but what made him think I would jump at the chance to jet off with him for the weekend, after only having known him 1 week? For all I know he had reservations at the Little Chapel or some craziness like that. I mean, it's Vegas, baby. Anything can happen! Have you not seen The Hangover?

Fortunately, the flight times on Easter Sunday with last minute plane tickets were not in his favor, so he wasn't able to book the trip. Or maybe it was the fact that he didn't really know my last name. For whatever reason, I was spared and Plan B entailed us meeting at a town halfway in between our towns. Ok, dude, this is your last chance, better make it good. So I haul my cookies all the way up to another coastal town, where we went to a restaurant on the beach. Are you sitting down for this one? He met me in his beach dinner attire....faded navy polo shirt and khaki shorts! Unbelievable. It was starting to feel like Groundhog Day. And I hated that movie. Time for me to move on.

Which brings me to April. Oh the possibilities. While I have been on many a date this year, I have yet to find one that floats my boat. Or I float his. And we have mutual boat-floating experiences. I look forward to Mr. April and beginning the 2nd quarter of this dating challenge. Mr. April and I have plans this Sunday night. He is adorable in his Match pics. In his primary photo he is wearing a big grin...and a navy polo shirt. Stay tuned to see how this one goes. I promise not to wait so long to blog.

Remember at the beginning of this ridiculously long post I said there was a lot going on, but I would start with boys? Well, I almost forgot to mention that a big chunk of my time the past few weeks has been directed toward buying a condo! This is a big step for me. I have not owned a home since I sold the one my husband and I lived in 8 years ago. And while I never thought I would want to own a place of my own again until I was re-married, the realist in me has kicked in and noted that I could very well be single for a VERY long time, interest rates are incredible, and houses are on sale. And to top it off, Obama wants to give me $8k just for taking this step. I don't see how I can say no. I will soon be Elle, the homeowner, and I'm thrilled.

J: Blogging more

…or trying to.

I’ve recently been trying to change my perspective regarding what blogging really means. In a conversation with Elle, we decided that no matter what the topic is, EVERYTHING finds it’s way back to relationships. So, with that in mind, I’m going to try to treat this more like a diary.

Umm…one that could potentially be read by waaay more people than the nice leather bound one that’s currently tucked safely away in my night table.

This also means that you’re going to get a lot more of the minutia of my life. Little stuff that might not warrant a full entry in the past, just might now find it’s way into the light of day. Also, the yucky, messy stuff that I would not typically share (take yesterday's entry as the prime example) will probably find it's way onto here too.

Beware, dear reader, of the dangers associated with being exposed to the depths this crazy brain of mine!

J: Self Discipline

It feels like everything is falling apart. Still.

And I think I’ve finally figured out why. I’ve completely and totally let go of my self discipline.

In so many different areas of my life, this has been a rough couple of months. When things started going topsy turvy I used it all as an excuse to just…stop paying attention, I guess.

I stopped making healthy choices in what I’m eating. (“Chimichanga with queso? Why yes, thank you!” “Another piece of chocolate pie? You bet!”) I’ve let my dishes pile up. I haven’t mopped the floor. I’ve bitten my nails down to nothing. I stopped going to the grocery store, which has led to spending buckets of money on restaurants and even less healthy food choices. I’ve not been around as much for my friends. I’ve let weeds overrun my backyard.

I’ve basically kept myself busy and out of the house so that I haven’t had to deal with it being so empty.

Along with all of these other areas that I’ve lost control of, I’ve also somehow let go of the person I was back in February…ya know…the girl full of hope and surrounded by men, men, men!

And with this mental shift, I’ve apparently also completely shifted my focus to the unattainable boys.

Maybe (probably) because I don’t have to worry about having a real relationship with any of them. The beautiful and appealing thing about each of them is their very unattainability. Why these boys? None of them have ever given me real hope for a happy future…but then again, they’re also not a real threat to this comfortable single state, either.

So, it’s time to change things around. I’ve made a commitment to refrain from obsessing about the unattainable boys for an entire week. (Well…at least until Friday.) It’s not going to be easy. The minute I notice that I’ve started thinking about an unattainable, I’m going to consciously shut that thought down.

I’m hoping that if I give myself a bit of a break, I might come out on the other side with a little more hope and a better attitude.

I’m also hoping that reasserting self discipline in this area will help me find my self discipline when it comes to food, exercise, household chores, the way that I’m spending my money and the way that I’m spending my time.

It’s time to refocus. It’s time to email Mr. March back. It’s time to start searching for Mr. April. It’s time to somehow swing this ship around!

J: Girls just wanna

Friday, I had a choice.

It was a friend’s birthday. It was also prime dancing night. As we had dinner reservations planned to celebrate the friend, obviously, OF COURSE, I was going to dinner! (Duh!)

Buuuut…dinner just happened to be really close to the dancing place. And really, how long does dinner typically last? An hour? Two at the most? Maybe I could do both???

So, my choice: Should I bring along the boots (just in case) or not?

I knew that if I brought them along for the ride, I might catch myself checking my watch, overly frustrated by slow service and tempted to sneak out early. So, I consciously made a decision to leave them at home, completely removing any temptation to bail on my gal pals. (Sorry, boots!)

Despite being on a manhunt for Mr. April, it was without a doubt the right thing to do. While boys are important (especially when faced with such a daunting dating challenge) those relationships with girlfriends are truly priceless.

Dinner was great. The friend was well celebrated. The food was delicious. The conversation was engaging. The waiter was fun. I wasn’t at all upset that it ended up taking several hours. In fact, I loved every single minute of it!

I realized that had my boots been waiting patiently in the car, I still would never had given up the time with my girls.

Besides, a birthday only comes around once a year. There’s always dancing next Friday.

S: Well...that's over

Well…that’s over.

I have been anxious about it happening for weeks, and it has happened. I am on the other side of it now. There’s no going back.

I met Guy’s parents.

Had you scared, didn’t I?

Even if you weren’t frightened, I was. (The sadist in me thought it would be fun if we were all scared for a moment.) I wanted so badly to make a good impression. Rumor has it that his mom thinks he hung the moon, meaning it is quite likely that no woman is good enough for her son. And she was quite upset (maybe still is) over his divorce and having trusted his ex-wife, so she isn’t likely to get too close to anyone new without a lot of coaxing. And I can’t work against those odds. I’ve been worried about this for weeks.

Of course, I know that he wouldn’t let his parents’ feelings about me change his feelings about me, but even so, life is more complicated in the long term if you are not accepted by the family of your significant other. And I really hate it if someone doesn’t like me. It’s one of my many character flaws.

The good news is, I feel like it went well. I actually met his entire immediate family, including sisters and brothers-in-law and nieces. Lots of chaos. Lots of laughing and not a lot of focus on me. It was actually a good way to be introduced into the family, because it was a holiday gathering and the spotlight was on the kids. I was just there as a minor subplot and was not subjected to any kind of third degree.

Not that they would have applied that severe degree. They were all very kind and welcoming and polite. I got only good vibes. No weirdness or uneasiness or cold protectiveness because Guy is in a new relationship. Just family. And really yummy food.

I have to go off the tracks here...his mom makes the best dessert in the entire world. I can see into the future and eventually it appears that I do not to even fit into the crystal ball. But I have a huge chocolaty smile on my face.

Anyway, conversation was easy with so many people around and I never felt like I was on the spot. It helped that I had been doing some particularly philanthropic things that day, so I had the opportunity to make myself seem all awesome and generous and stuff.

Phew.

I don’t think I said anything in the foot-in-mouth milieu and, in an unusual turn of events, I didn’t spill anything. I did show up late, because I’m a bonehead, but everyone was cool about it and even apologized for having already begun eating (I think they all wanted to get to the dessert...and I couldn't blame them...have I mentioned the dessert?).

Later, after the excitement died down Guy and I had a chance to sit and chat with his parents and that was great. I found that his mom and I actually have quite a few things in common. Not big stuff, but the kind of little stuff that Guy seems to give her a hard time for but I could totally sympathize with. It felt like we bonded.

This isn’t the end of the testing. Not by a long shot. I’m sure the scrutiny will get more rigorous as it becomes clear that I am going to be in the picture for a while and not just a passer-by. There will be more trials.

For example, both Guy and I are concerned about what will happen when the cat is let out of the bag in regard to my religious views. He says it’s not a deal breaker for him, and his are not a deal breaker for me, but he knows his mom will not be comfortable with the situation and he doesn’t want her to have any reasons not to like me. Nor do I.

Buuuut, that’s a bridge I’d rather not contemplate at this time.

For now, I feel like I successfully passed the first test and anxiously await the report from Guy once he’s heard from his parents (or his sisters, who will likely do recon) about what they thought.

Big sigh.