S: BUBC Busted!

I did it. I broke up the BUBC (break-up booty call) relationship. And I feel pretty good about it. As Jane suggested, it was empowering.

But it sucked too. I miss him.

On Monday night, while having our fun, we discussed future visits. Because we were having so much fun. And I knew it wasn’t going to get us back together, so what was the harm for a bit? I'm not being foolish, I know the deal.

I hadn’t yet considered the respect perspective of the whole thing. That both of us would lose respect for me. And, Guy's not likely to work through his stuff and really consider what it is he wants if he's getting me on the side. These things squelched my desire for future BUBCs.

Tuesday, when I found out his son would be staying with him, I told him I didn’t think it would be a good idea to see him. He said if I had needs he would be there to fill them. I didn't intend to go over Tuesday night and felt I had expressed that, so I went about my business at home and didn’t hear anything from him.

The next morning, he texted asking what happened on Tuesday night and hadn’t I had any needs he needed to fill. I didn’t respond right away because I was busy, and he added a bit later that really he had gone to bed early and gotten a ton of much needed sleep.

I repeated my belief that me going over there when his son was there was a bad idea, especially since that is what broke us up in the first place (hellooo?) and then made some comment about how I should have slept more but hadn’t.

He ignored the commentary about the right and wrong of the BUBC with his son around and just focused on the sleep part. And then the conversation ended.

I had plans Wednesday night so I wasn’t in texting mode, so he didn’t hear anything from me. Then, once again late at night, he asked about a meeting I was supposed to have the next day. (This is something that has been in the works that he does actually care about the results of because it could be a good thing for me.) He wanted to know what time it would be. I told him it was scheduled in the morning. He wished me good luck. I thanked him.

End of conversation, right?

Wrong.

He then texted wanting to know why earlier in the week I had been interested in coming to see him but now I wasn’t. Crap. Now I have to attempt to explain my change of heart on the whole BUBC thing. I responded that I couldn’t explain it in text and I would send him an email. (I really didn't want to talk because I'm much better at expressing myself when I can stop and think and get in all the words I want to say.)

An email that took me quite a while to compose.

Here are some of the highlights:

Monday night was great…but the more I think about it, the more I feel like a sex only relationship is the wrong choice. For both of us.

…it seems like a good way to make you lose respect for me and for me to lose respect for myself.

If us having sex in a loving, monogamous relationship that was long term but wasn’t maybe going to lead to marriage was wrong (hence the break-up), then us having sex outside of the security and commitment of a relationship has to be really wrong. And really unfair.

…the more I thought about it, the more I started to worry that … one day you would realize that what we were doing was really wrong and you would dump me. Again. And think of me as some kind of whore.

… if I am to minimize the scarring of this, I need to be strong and let myself move on.

I deserve your love. And I'm abusing myself if I give myself to you without the return payment of your love, respect and honor.

… I think [Monday night] was an isolated incident. I fear that each subsequent visit would tear away at me a little more. And give me that hope that I am trying so hard to shake.

He hasn’t responded. I don’t know if he’s read it or not. He may have fallen asleep before I sent it. Yes, it took that long to compose.

We have communicated today. I texted him and told him the results of the meeting. Because I knew he cared and because I was excited, but it’s a secret and he’s the only one I could share with. His responses were kind and supportive. No mention of anything else.

I’m not at all sure what his reaction is or will be. Whatever it is, it won’t change my mind. This is the end of BUBC. One was enough.

And at least I got a chance to break up with him too.