S: The Break-Up Story...At Last

I am now going to attempt to write a post about the actual break-up. It’s difficult to recount a break-up conversation because it usually doesn’t have much structure. You end up talking about a hundred different things at random in an attempt to get everything spelled out and say all the things you want to say before you no longer have a chance to say them.

The conversation Guy and I had was no different, so I’ll do the best I can to get it recorded here. I’ve gone over parts of it in my mind many times, so some of it is still pretty fresh. Other things come back to me as I go. Most of it doesn’t make sense.

As a new world form of therapy, I will also respond to each of his points with the arguments I actually did make, or the ones I keep thinking of but will never have the chance to say to him. I was never good at thinking of these things on the fly.

O.k. as much fun as it is to relive this…here goes…

So the catalyst for all of this was that his son sort of caught us twice on Wednesday night. First, in a somewhat compromising position, making out on the couch. It was late at night the night I had returned from being gone for nearly a week. We were feeling frisky. We hadn’t yet made it to the bedroom. My shirt was off. We heard him get out of bed upstairs and Guy as much as tossed me off his lap and I ran into the bedroom. But apparently I was too slow, or he was too quick. Because, as we found out later, he saw.

Then, I stayed over, as I have done for the last 6 months. We usually set the alarm for before his son wakes up and I sneak out unnoticed. And, we usually wake up when he hops out of bed for cuddle time with Dad, so Dad can meet him on the stairs and take him back to his room. But, since I had been gone, his son was used to climbing in bed with Dad for the last week. In fact, Guy had mentioned that this had been going on so I really don’t know why he didn’t just close the door like he sometimes did if he thought we might get caught. Suddenly, at 5 in the morning, there his son was whispering, “Dad. Dad.” We hadn’t been asleep that long, so I had to wake Guy up (which also explains why we didn’t wake up when he got out of bed). His son, as we found out later, noticed me there, even sort of hidden behind Guy.

I didn’t hear much from Guy during the day that next day. I had asked him a question about his Friday plans via text and something about weekend scheduling via email. Neither of which he responded to. But I didn’t think much of it since sometimes he is too busy during the day to communicate much. I’m used to it. I'm not paranoid. And I've learned not to assume the worst.

After work I finally heard from him. He texted and said that his son had had a lot of questions about why I didn’t have a shirt on and why I was in bed with him. He then said he felt like a horrible father.

I tried to send him words to make him feel better, but it seemed like I was pushing buttons, so I stopped and figured we would talk it through in person when I got there later that night. I was prepared to hear him say that I couldn’t stay over while his son was there anymore. I thought I would have to fight for time with him, but that was as far as I thought it would go.

Anyway, because of other blogs I work on, that night was a busy night for me, but I worked as fast as I could to get over there. At some point, I cut short what I was doing so I could get there before he decided it was too late and went to bed. I wanted him to have a chance to work through this with someone. I never imagined what he was really thinking.

I went over there prepared to talk and prepared to make my case for quality time with him if we couldn’t have quantity, but for once, I did not go over there prepared for him to break up with me. As many times as I’ve driven there ready for my execution, this time it did not even occur to me. As he had always wanted, finally I was not assuming the worst. My mistake.

When I got there he had me sit down on the couch next to him, which was my indication that he too was ready to talk right away. I sat down and started rubbing his back like he likes and got into supportive girlfriend mode. Like a sucker.

He said he had been thinking and feeling badly about this all day. Then he mentioned my text responses hadn’t helped, at which point I defended myself by saying I didn’t know what to say and it was hard to discuss this over text and I didn’t want to push buttons or be misread. He accepted that and continued.

This is where it turns down a path I did not see coming. The break-up path. On which there is no turning back.

Following is a list (at random) of his well-thought-out reasons for breaking up with me and what I said…or wish I had said.

He started by saying he felt like he was being a bad example to his son. That if neither one of us was in a place where we want to get married, why are we together? How could he be involved in a sexual relationship with me when he couldn’t make a commitment to marry me? He posed the question, “Where is this going?”

I couldn’t answer that specifically. I’ve always felt like it was going somewhere, but I know better than to try to predict the future or make empty promises.

I told him that being with him had made me think more and more about the possibility of forever and getting married, but I knew he had issues with marriage and how it changes things, so I've never considered it an option for us.

I told him that I did think we had a future but I couldn’t really define what it was. (ok, it didn’t come out that eloquently, but that’s what I meant)

He said we had fantastic sex and I am amazing in bed. But he wondered if our relationship was purely based on the physical and if we had anything going beyond great sex.

I felt like we did, we just liked the sex so much that we spent more time on that. But the relationship started with an unexpected and strong connection.

I do think that we could relate to each other without the physical, but the physical brought us closer and made us a stronger couple. (didn’t say this…wish I had thought of it)

We talked about a lot of different things on this night and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I really just liked sitting there talking with him. I told him this and he said jokingly, “Oh, you like this conversation?” I of course replied that the subject matter left a lot to be desired, but what I’ve always liked is how easy it is for us to talk. (See? We had more than just sex. Dammit.)

He said he didn’t “know” that we should be together. That he “knew” he was supposed to be with his ex when they were dating. That we shouldn’t be together because after 6 months together, he didn’t “know” that he wanted to spend his life with me.

At some point, when I was ranting about the whole “knowing” thing, I indicated that that’s a BS argument since she cheated on him and they are now divorced. He had some answer for that, but I wasn’t buying it.

How can you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone after only 6 months? It doesn’t seem like that long to me.

How does he expect to have a relationship with anyone if “knowing” is a requirement? He’s not going to “know” after one date. (I only thought of this point a day too late.)

He said he shouldn’t be in a relationship because he has trust issues. He is afraid that I will eventually become a different person and leave him. He thinks he needs to get over his trust issues before he gets involved with someone again.

This does seem to be a major issue for him. It’s like I’ve been with two different Guys. The first Guy was head-over-heels for me and made me feel the same about him. Then this other Guy showed up. This scared Guy. That’s all I can figure…he started to get scared. I can’t help him with that. He doesn't believe what I say.

My question is, how do you get over trust issues if you’re not in a relationship in which you have to trust someone? ( I REALLY wish I had thought of this at the time.)

What sucks is that he did to me what he always said he was afraid I would do to him…which kind of pisses me off. And I still wish I had a chance to express this to him. He always hated double standards, but he was pretty good at them himself.

At this point, bitter me is wondering how long it will really be before he’s seeing someone else. I think it’ll happen pretty quickly, despite his claims of thinking he shouldn’t be in a relationship. He’s not one to stay alone. He’s told me that before.

He has a problem with the fact that I’m not Catholic (in fact, I don’t believe in God). He said this wasn’t really one of the reasons, but it was something he always came back to. And, though he didn't say it this time, he’s said before that wants to be with someone he can share that part of his life with.

His beliefs have never been an issue for me. I always had a lot of respect for the fact that he stood by what he believed and tried to make his religion a regular part of his life.

I’ve always been willing to share this with him to some degree, but he always felt like that was disingenuous. To me, if it was important that we both go to Mass, then I would go to Mass. But he always thought that was a waste of time because I didn’t believe. I couldn’t convince him that the things that are important to him are important to me and not wastes of time. He would never let me join him, even when I asked.

If it turns out that he needs to be with someone who’s Catholic, then I am not what he wants or needs. That means it’s move on time.

The thing that bugs me about this reason is that he’s not exactly mister religious. It sucks that he’s decided this is a big deal when he’s very good at forgetting his Catholicism in other aspects of his life. How is it negotiable in some situations, but not when it comes to me? My only answer for that is that he doesn’t love me. If he loved me, he would find a way. It just sucks that he can be everything I want at the same time as I am not everything that he wants.

He said that if we did figure out how to get married and spend our lives together, it would be a huge disappointment to his parents. He’s afraid of disappointing his parents. He will give up things that make him happy so he doesn’t disappoint his parents.

You know what? It hurts to be referred to as a disappointment. I told him I definitely did not want to be a source of disappointment.

I think he should do the things that make him happy, not his parents. And really, they want him to be happy, it’s just unfortunate that they think they know what will make him happy.

I’m not sure I can abide this line of thinking. This fear of what his mom will think. It’s hard to have respect for that. Think for yourself. Let her figure out her own shit.

I think that was all of them. That's all I can remember anyway. There could be more.

Something that frustrates me is that the more I go over this, the more his reasons don’t make sense. Or are at least easy to argue against. But really, one does not need a reason to break up. If a person wants to break up, that is reason enough. We try to justify things and make them easier by coming up with logic for our actions, but basically, if you want to break up, that’s your reason. “Why are we breaking up?” “Because I want to.” “O.k. Have a nice life.”

When it comes down to it, all this adds up to him not being in love with me. I feel like if he loved me, all of this stuff would just be logistics. Little details we hammer out as we go. Things that you think, “Well, I’m afraid she’s going to leave, but I love her, so I can’t help myself. I have faith in her and us and I want to be with her and enjoy her for as long as I can.” Or “O.k., we don’t agree on religion, but I’m in love with her so I can respect her beliefs and work past our differences. And who cares what my mom says?”

I don’t think he loves me. It seemed like he did at some point and I’m not sure when that stopped, but he can’t possibly be in love with me and do this. During the conversation I heard a lot of “I like"s and no “I love”s. That’s my sign. If he doesn’t love me, if he can't even use the word in a conversation about our relationship, I don’t want to be with him.

At some point, the break-up became very altruistic for him. He said if he couldn't be all the way in the relationship, he didn’t want to waste any more of my time. He was setting me free for my own sake. I’m only 35, I’m smokin’ hot, I still have time to find the person who is right for me. Better for me than him.

I hate this part of a break-up. Don’t do this for my sake. You are tearing me apart. I’ll decide when it’s good for me, but right now it mostly just seems good for you. And I’m not interested in making you feel better by accepting the fact that you’re doing this for my own good. (I totally deserve this though, because I think I said the same basic things to my ex-fiance.)

Oddly, we talked about how people usually gravitate toward the same type of people and end up dating a certain type of person over and over. This is probably why subsequent marriages don't work out. Same issues, same personality flaws, different names. He then said I really wasn’t like his ex-wife. O.k. this seems like a reason to keep moving forward together, but no? I guess it’s no wonder he doesn’t want to be with me, he needs to find someone more like her to feel comfortable. I feel bad for him that he can’t break the chain and be with someone different.

As we were nearing the end of the conversation he did say he would really miss me in his life. And he kept saying that he knew he may be making a big mistake. I told him flat out that he was. But maybe mine isn’t the proper perspective on that.

He kept acting like he just wasn’t sure this was really what he wanted to do. I told him that if he’s done, he’s done. I’m not going to beg. He said he couldn’t say that he was done. He wasn’t sure this was the right thing.

I didn’t want there to be a glimmer of hope, so I ignored this.

One last tidbit. He actually said, “It’s not you, it’s me.” I thought he was making a cliché joke so I laughed at him. Big and loud. Bwahahaha!

Based on his reaction to that...I don’t think he was joking.

O.k. I think that’s it. I know this is a tome and I do apologize for the inelegance of my long-windedness. This post was difficult, but I’m glad I went through the exercise.

It’s like saying the same word over and over. Eventually it loses its meaning. The more I go over this night in my head, the less it means. I do feel like I’m getting further and further away from it. It’s starting to just feel like a story I tell. Even the notes I made the day after seem way more angry and bitter than I really am…most of the time.

Looks like I might get over this after all.