S: The Afterlife

Even still riding high on the amusement of being asked out by a 21-year-old last night, I am not in a good frame of mind today.

I miss Guy. A lot. I am having a very difficult time shaking the "maybe now that he's had some time to think he'll realize he loves me and I'm what he wants and call me so we can talk" feeling. Again, I'm not sure there is anything to be done about it but to let time pass. Which is frustrating, because if there were something I could do, I would do it.

It's just so hard when I feel like we should be together. When it seems so wrong to be apart. I keep thinking he should realize that I'm right and we belong together and the rest is just logistics that we can figure out.

I blame the movies. They make us believe in the happy endings. They make us imagine that we'll go through a break-up montage and spend some time apart and then the other person will suddenly realize they were wrong and then run to us as fast as they can to tell us so.

I've been through this before. I know it doesn't happen. I was with someone once who I thought I was going to be with forever. I "knew." (By the way, I have a whole "knowing" rant I need to get out of my head, and you will be the lucky receiver.) He had been love at first sight. We broke up suddenly and randomly one night and it felt very wrong to me. We spent a month apart and then got back together.

Mistake.

We spent another year together and then...bam...there we were breaking up again suddenly and randomly. And for good. It took me years and years to get over him. In fact, there are times when part of me still thinks we will run into each other someday and rekindle...because we are supposed to be together. Despite the fact that he is happily married and living nowhere near me.

Anyway, we obviously weren't meant to be together. (Even though I "knew.") And nobody realized anything and came running. We didn't end up together after all. There wasn't a Hollywood ending. There never is.

What's happening to me now feels very familiar. I'm feeling the same feelings for Guy right now that I felt for Mr. The First back then. So history dictates that we will not end up together. And we shouldn't even try. So why can't I shake this feeling? Why can't I stop hoping for him to call? Why can't I just move on? Why does this have to make me so damn sad?

And, most of all, why did I let myself get involved when I knew better in the first place?