S: So Bad, But So Good

Please don't be ashamed of me, but I did a very naughty thing.

I went over to Guy's last night for an ill-advised Break-Up Booty Call (BUBC).

The good news is, I don't regret it. I don't feel badly about it at all. It hasn't given me any hope of getting back together. I never once thought that by going over there I could change his mind. And it gave us a chance to tell each other some of the things that have been on our minds since Thursday.

Oh, and it was VERY satisfying. V-E-R-Y. For both of us. He hasn't stopped telling me yet how appreciative he is.

O.k. so here's what happened...

On Sunday I was suddenly very much in need of some boyfriend-type attention. I was trying very hard to be good and not compromise my recovery.

BUT, I am a master at rationalization so I developed this theory that I have very few opportunities for a BUBC with Guy for the following reasons:

1. From about this point forward, for the sake of my own sanity, I must always assume he has moved on and is with someone. I got very burned by this once before. Assuming things were one way and then finding girl stuff in the bathroom. I was mortified and felt extremely foolish. So, to avoid this playing the fool thing, now that a few days have passed, I must always assume he is with someone new. I know full well he couldn't have moved that quickly (Although, I already have a date scheduled, don't I?), but if I don't assume now, when do I begin assuming? What's the magic date? There isn't one. I have to start now. But, figuring there would be a few safe days, there is a short window of opportunity for a good BUBC.

2. When only a few days into recovery, how far can one BUBC really set me back? I mean, 2 months from now it could send me into a tailspin and put my playing piece back on "Start." But right now? Oh no! I'm back where I was on Friday! Egads! How will I ever recover?! The risk is worth the two days of my life I may have to relive. Believe me, the num-nums are that good.

3. I still haven't forgotten what it's like to be with him. As you know, I have developed this theory that the only way to ever have a physical relationship with anyone else is to forget what it is like with Guy. So, having a BUBC next January will probably be a bad idea, because maybe my memory will have gotten hazy by then. Right now, I still know and I don't intend to get involved with anyone any time soon, so why not?

The next thing I rationalized was that a BUBC would be o.k. for me mentally because I know absolutely, without a doubt that me going over to Guy's for some adult time would not change his mind about the situation. Nor would it give me hope that we would get back together. We aren't going to get back together. So it's o.k. to get my needs met if he's willing. At least for now (see above reasons about the timing of a non-injurious BUBC).

There. Done. It's Sunday night, I'm randy and I'm fully prepared to handle a BUBC. But I couldn't actually ask for it. I knew he would be receptive after Friday's text convo, but I was still trying to behave myself. Plus, I want to keep my distance as best I can because he should miss me. So I held out. Late on Sunday I texted that the whole no sex thing really sucked. But that was it. No request. Just an indication that I missed our fun stuff.

By the time I climbed in bed, I had not heard anything back. At that point, all I really wanted was someone to commiserate with. I wanted him to be going through the same thing I was. I didn't need an invitation, I just needed validation.

When I woke up yesterday, the validation was waiting for me. He had replied a couple of hours later with "Yes it does. I cannot agree more." Good answer. Exactly what I needed to hear.

Since I didn't get the message until morning and it had satisfied my communication need (and, I'm a goof so I wanted to leave it as the message that appeared with his name in my list of texts), I didn't respond. Again, trying to keep my distance. Helpful for moving on and getting past that "I hope it's him" new message ding reaction.

Once again, very late last night, after I was already in bed, here came a message from him. He wanted to know if there was something wrong with the last message he sent. I replied that there wasn't at all anything wrong with it. He said he was surprised I hadn't responded.

Excellent job keeping your distance, Sheila.

I explained that it was because I hadn't seen the message until the next day. And then a conversation started up about how we were both feeling certain urges. Urges that could not be satisfactorily handled on a solo basis. And then I explained to him my BUBC theory and how I have to assume he's seeing someone from now on. Then more chat about urges.

Then he mentioned that after I shot him down on Friday, he hesitates to suggest a BUBC. I told him Friday was not a good day but that I'm not so worried about the effects of a BUBC now. And then more mention of urges. And his adorable, "SO, what are you saying?"

I told him I was heading over to use him for his body and bedroom skills. Which was true.

Wow, did we ever have a good time. I thought it might be weird being with him knowing that he wasn't in love with me, but it wasn't. Everything was urgent and passionate, but also caring and tender and meaningful. It didn't feel like a booty call. It felt like two people helping each other deal with something.

I stayed over, because that's also one of the good parts, but didn't sleep much. I hate to miss out on what limited time I have with him. And it meant round 2 in the morning. Equally as good. And with no tinge of sadness like there was on the morning after we broke up.

This morning, I feel good. I thought I might feel bad about it, you know, like after you eat that very delicious piece of chocolate cake and are then filled with self-loathing for your weakness afterwards. But I didn't. What I found out is that I can think about seeing him and be in the same room with him and leave him without feeling sad. It was refreshing to go over there and not feel an emotional charge.

We had a chance to talk about some things. And I got to hear words that made me feel better. BUT, did not give me false hope. I know he misses me and cares about me, but he didn't say he loved me. So no illusions there.

He asked if I had a date scheduled yet, because of course, he knew I was planning to get back in the game, and I had to tell him about Mr. 21. He found it amusing and had some fun with "I told you so" in reference to me getting hit on by guys. And then later he told me he felt a little threatened by this dude, even though he had no right to. Very satisfying.

I told him that I missed Guy from last Spring who was in love with me. He said he missed him too. That he was happier. He said he was probably losing the best thing he ever had. I told him he still had a choice (by this time I have said numerous times throughout the night that I knew we wouldn't be getting back together). He said he was sure he had burned my affection for him. I disagreed, but then he made reference to my use of the term "booty call." Then there was a long silence and, from him, "Damn divorce."

This, to me, indicated that what is really going on is his lack of faith in the relationship. Any relationship. This trust issue he talks about. He ended it because he's sure that we're going to get elbow deep in it and then I'm going to change my mind and leave him. Destroying him in the process. And putting his son through another loss as well. This is not news to me. It's something he has talked about from the beginning.

I've never known how to combat it. I can't predict the future. And yet, I feel more than willing and able to work through anything that comes along. But I can't answer the "how long until it's over" question because, based on my own experience, I too don't have much faith in forever. I want to though.

But, it doesn't matter. I don't have to combat it now. He ended it. He decided that was the best path to take. I just wish I knew if it was the trust thing that got in the way of the love or if the love is what would help develop the trust.

Anyway, the point of this is that I opened a window of working it out and he didn't go through it. He had a chance to say he wanted to hold on to the "best thing he ever had" and he couldn't. So, that's my sign. No reason to hope for getting back together. The BUBC confirms that. Thank you BUBC.

Oh, and I mentioned to him my concerns about getting over the best sex ever and he told me I was his best too. That made me feel good. I'm glad I got to hear that.

Later, when I'm all messed up over this, you can hit the comment button and say you knew I would regret it and I shouldn't have, but for right now, it seems like it wasn't such a bad thing to have done after all.