S: Small Victory?

He texted me last night. It was after midnight and he had just realized, after seeing something I posted on Facebook, that it had been Friday the 13th. I wasn't sure what kind of response he was looking for, and I was already in bed and falling asleep, so I didn't reply. I don't feel a strong need to make him feel better about this.

But he texted, so he must be missing me a little bit.

Good. He should.

Then he texted that he was cooking up some chicken wings and he would invite me over for some if I wasn't a vegetarian.

Interesting...starting a conversation about inviting me over. After midnight.

This I did reply to. I told him that it would actually be advantageous for him to invite me over for wings because I would be guaranteed not to eat any. More for him. And then I said he was naughty for eating crap food so late at night.

His response was that I could come over and watch him eat crap food then.

He was jonesing for the Sheila. Duh. Who wouldn't be?

This made me feel very good. But I had no intention of going over. Bad idea. I had to resist the voice saying that I should go over so maybe he has an opportunity to change his mind. This voice is always wrong. This voice gets you hurt. This voice has led me astray in the past.

I replied that he knew that pizza was my late-night weakness anyway and he said he actually had a cheese pizza there that he had bought for me last week. I said it was sweet that he bought me a pizza.

Then I sent a message telling him that I was impressed with the way he was trying to disguise his booty call with food, that he knew me well enough to know food is the way to get to me. Punctuated with a winkyface. I think this made him feel bad. He apologized.

I told him that no apology was necessary. I wasn't offended and it was nice to hear from him.

A bit later he sent a message that his wings would be done in 10 minutes and it was my last call for pizza. More resisting. A lot of resisting. It's a good thing I was already in bed and would have had to make myself decent to go over there, or I think I would have gone. I want him to want me. And I miss him a lot.

But I know it's not a good idea. We all know that while his invitation was for food, his underlying intent was for me to stay over. This would feel good...until morning. I need a chance to let the wound scab over and move on. And really, if he's going to have issues with us having sex with no intention of being married, how is it better for us to have sex if we aren't even in a relationship? It just doesn't make sense. And all it would do to me is keep that hope going. I've been there. The sooner I get past the hope, the better.

I told him that the idea was both good and bad. And, as much as I want to spend the time with him, last night was not going to be the night for that. I did encourage further text flirting, but he never responded.

Maybe he felt bad. Maybe he was disappointed that I declined his invitation and had nothing further to say to me. Maybe his fingers were too gooey from the wings to text. Who knows? I'm weary of trying to figure him out.

What matters is that he reached out to me. It's nice to be missed and desired. Now I just need to make sure I use the feeling to bolster my self-confidence, not as a reason for hope or hanging on. This is tough to do, but I know it's what has to be done.

He's going to a wedding out of town tonight. I wonder if I'll hear from him again. Fortunately, I have plans so I won't be home jumping up at every text ding in that Pavlovian way.