S: Damn Feelings

As my anger from yesterday's phone conversation with Guy subsides, I find myself missing him more and more. And wishing and hoping again.

This is not only sad, it's annoying. This missing/wishing/hoping stuff is not helpful in the whole getting over it process. It's not helping me think straight. It's not helping me feel like being strong and moving on. And it's definitely not helping me want to go out and find a date and get into another one of these messes again.

What's strange is that before Saturday, I had been in a rather good mood. In fact, I was all prepared to write a post about how inexplicably good I felt in spite of everything. I was singing in my car and while I vacuumed the house. I was going out and enjoying time with friends. I was well on my way to looking forward to finding new date prospects. I was feeling like my awesome self. All smiles and sunshine with only periodic cloudiness.

After the Sunday morning call, that is gone. It's just fog and stormy weather. I'm not sure what the difference between before Sunday and after Sunday is. Guy and I were broken up before Sunday. Why am I so down now?

Maybe I had hope before Sunday and now I don't. I keep hoping he'll want to talk, but I don't think there's as much chance of it as there was before our lovely little chat.

Maybe it's because I felt like Guy still loved me, no matter how much I tried to convince myself he didn't. I was feeling confident because I believed he still wanted to be with me and now that's gone because I really believe that he doesn't. And it's quite easy to convince myself his love for me is gone.

Maybe this time I'm the one feeling like we shouldn't be together and that makes it really over. And I'm finally mourning the loss.

Maybe it's because I feel like I screwed up (Even though I can't regret not answering his text. How did I know he had changed his thinking?) when he was finally ready to talk. There's just something so disappointing about coming *this* close.

Yes, I know all the practical and reasonable things I should be thinking and feeling right now. Those things are all in my head. But there is currently a communication breakdown between my head and my heart. My heart can't receive messages right now...it's broken. It's just going to feel what it wants to feel whether it makes sense or not. Who knows for how long?

Damn feelings.