S: La Resistance...Backfire?

I feel like my resistance to responding to Guy’s text last night backfired. Or maybe it didn’t. I don’t know how I feel any more.

I remained strong most of the night and did not send a response. But then, I got home a little after 2 in the morning, made a snack (as I always do, which is very bad but I can’t help) started to feel very bad and doubt myself. I wondered how he was going to feel when I didn’t respond to him at all.

I don’t know. It was late. I was tired. I’m a sucker when it comes to making other people not like me.

I caved.

It took me a while to think about it, so at this point it was 3 in the morning. I figured it was safe to send a message then because he would be asleep and I wouldn’t have to get into a conversation with him.

So I sent, “Out.” (This in response to his question about if I was out or home.)

Maybe not the best idea.

Well, clearly not the best idea. Based on what happened this morning.

At 6 a.m. I received a text saying that he had hoped to call and talk to me about his “horrible decision.”

And there it was, the message I have been waiting since last Friday to get. The “I want to talk message.”

I was excited, but I didn’t respond right away. It was 6 in the morning and I was not quite awake. And I still didn’t want to seem like I could just be pulled back at his whim. And then I fell asleep before I could come up with a proper response.

A couple of hours later, I got up to feed the cats and decided I better say something. I told him that I would be willing to spend some time talking tonight. He called a short time later.

He was pissed.

He was angry and hurt that I had ignored him the night before. He wanted to know why. I tried to explain about protecting myself after Thursday’s lovely conversation, but he wasn’t buying it. He said I was just trying to get even. Then he said I was trying to take control of the situation.

I asked him why I shouldn’t have some control? Why does he get to have all the control?

I explained that I didn’t feel like he needed to know where I was. He said he just wanted to know because he wanted to talk. I told him if he had told me that I would have at least responded.

He said he didn’t believe me. Which is something he repeated a number of times throughout the conversation.

He told me that he had been feeling like he made a mistake, even though he was still feeling his trust issues. But then my having a date 2 days after we broke up made him rethink the trust thing. (Basically he wants to know how he can believe I’m not just going to leave him for someone else a few years down the road.)

I told him it wasn’t fair to use my taking that date as a reason not to trust me. We are broken up. I wasn’t interested in the guy. I was just trying to get back into the blog challenge to distract myself and try to move on.

I do believe he then told me not to give him the blog story.

Anyway, it went on like this. A very unpleasant conversation. We talked about a lot of things. And it became clear that we have been misunderstanding each other’s feelings and messages. But we didn’t really resolve anthing.

I’m still not really even sure why he called. To tell me he doesn’t want to talk anymore? Why not just ignore my text then? Why respond at all? To rub it in? To make me feel bad? To tell me we ALMOST got back together but I messed it up?

I don’t know what he wanted from me.

By the end of the conversation he was telling me he wasn’t sure about things. Frankly, neither was I. But he had to be somewhere so he had to go. He said, sarcastically, that it had been a great conversation. I said that yes it went really well. Then he said, “It would have been better last night.”

This did not sit well with me. He just had to get in a last little jab. We had a little more fight and then finally hung up.

I keep starting to think that I lost my chance. But then I realize, no, he’s lost his. I don’t think I should have behaved differently. Most of the time. I will fully admit to having been riddled with self-doubt all day. But I just have to tell myself that it’s his loss, not mine.

I don’t know what he’s thinking now. I’m feeling like maybe I need some space anyway. And I’m not sure how I feel about him after that call. I haven’t sent any messages to him. I keep wanting to, but I don’t know what I would say, so I remain silent. He did the breaking up, he needs to come to me.

I feel bad that he’s hurt, but really, don’t I have to take care of me right now? Even if that means “being a bitch?” (His words.)

I’m sad that it seems like all is lost at this point. Sad for the loss of what we had early in the relationship. Not sad about the Guy I talked to today. Him I’m mad at. He’s mean. He hurts me. And then makes me feel bad about it.

I’m confused. I don’t understand how I can be so frustrated with him, but still hope that he wants to talk. I don’t get how I can not want to deal with this bahookey but still want to be with him. I don’t know how I can miss him when he does stuff like this to me.

I’m hurt and I’m angry. But I think I still love him. Which sucks.

I think I will hear from him again. Today he is staying silent to show me how it feels. Only, I haven’t sent him anything to ignore. He’s hurt and angry too so he probably has nothing to say to me either. But the fact is, he texted and called this morning. He’s not quite done. I bet there will be something.

This means it’s time for me to figure my own stuff out. What do I really want to happen? I suppose I should have a firm grasp on the answer to that question.

For now…I need some sleep.

This stuff really takes it out of a girl.