S: Living in...no...Relishing the Now

I have been a very bad blogger. Very bad indeed. I should be sent to my little internet room to think about what I’ve done. Or not done. Which is post what’s been going on with me and Guy lately. But I know you’ll forgive me because I’ve been busy with my beau. Right?

You understand. It takes a lot of effort to maintain a relationship with someone in the midst of work, home and social life. We have to plan wisely to etch out as much time with each other as possible and even then it feels like it’s just sleep or work time. At which point we ask ourselves if quantity time is quality time?

We question whether the other person is really trying to find time or if we are just an afterthought to each other. Are we becoming one more thing on the list of things that have to be taken care of?

At my house, I have a dry erase board on which I write my “to do” list every week. The hope is that I will actually erase tasks as I complete them throughout the week. Most of the time I’m adding more than I’m taking away. One night, while waiting for me, Guy wrote “See Guy” all over the board…which I found to be exceedingly cute and left up there for at least a month, just writing chores around the “See Guy”s. Until, after thinking briefly that I should be erasing a “See Guy” every time I went to his place, I started to wonder if seeing Guy had become one of those chores that I had to get done every week to feel like I had control over my life.

The answer is definitely no. I still feel like, even if we are just sitting on the couch working at the same time in the same room, at least we are together. And I can watch his fantastic ass as he crosses the room to get something to drink or put in another load of laundry.

mmmmmmm….

But I digress. I know…it’s really no fun for you if I don’t actually share what’s going on with us on a regular basis, so I must get better about doing so. What I need is a system. A scheduled time to sit and fire off quickies about recent events. Then maybe I wouldn’t feel obligated to write overwhelming epistles.

The best laid plans of mice and men. And bloggers. And Sheilas. I’ll endeavor to improve.

In the meantime…what I need to do is update you on a few things.

First and foremost, you’ll recall that there was a bit of a question about the future when the condom broke several weeks ago. At last, the question has been answered…there was a change inside me…a certain visitor arrived…and I will not be the star of an after school special. While I can sometimes see a glimpse of something of this nature happening in our future, currently Guy and I remain a twosome. We have averted a hefty responsibility and something for which we are not yet prepared.

SO…relief. All is normal in that regard.

As for other discussions and situations and near misses with break-ups, we seem to be back on sure footing. What I am not sure of is if this is because we are burying our heads in the sand, or if we really have worked through the kinks so that when situations arise again we know how to handle them and move forward, rather than decide we can’t get past certain attitudes, fears or behaviors and we need to call it quits.

I get the sense that he still waits for the day that I get fed up with him and walk away. And that’s understandable with someone who has been divorced, especially when it was the last thing he thought would ever happen. The difficulty for me is that I don’t know how to combat that. I don’t know how to reassure him. Because I have moments of being unsure myself and I don’t want to be disingenuous. I’ve broken a promise to someone before and I don’t want to do it again.

But I want to be with him. I see a future with him. I believe we could find a way to work through anything that came our way because together is better than apart no matter what, as far as I’m concerned. Even when things get tough, my gut reaction is to hold on tighter, not try to let go.

But what do I know? My track record does not indicate holding on to be my tendency. And he knows that. All too well.

And there are still big things that lurk in the corners. Like religion. Personal agendas. Trust issues. The cats. Kids. Can we survive these battles? Should we even fight these battles? If there are battles to be fought, are we not right for each other?

Are we fooling ourselves?

Damn it! Doubt. I hate doubt. How is one ever sure?

I don’t know. What I do know is that I feel like I am in the right place at the right time. I love him, he makes me feel amazing and I really don’t want him to go away. For now.

I just wonder how long "the now" is.

Hopefully it goes on forever.