S: Future's So Bright, I Try Not To Be Jaded

Things have been going very well with Guy. Our relationship has been progressing at a surprising, yet not uncomfortably fast pace. And, uncharacteristically for me, I have enjoyed making plans for the future.

Yes, we’ve been making plans for the future. Easy there, Trigger...not those kinds of plans. Just plan plans. Future plans. For example…

• I’m going to meet his family this weekend. This makes me a bit nervous because I want them to love me, but I’m thrilled that we have reached this point. He wants his family to get to know me because he believes I’m going to be around for a while.
• He has invited me to join him and his son for a few days of their vacation in May. This isn’t just some weekend road trip. This is out of town, 24/7 together time, big deal vacation. With plane tickets and everything. And I couldn’t be happier that he asked.
• He’s already got plans (and tickets) to take me on a road trip to a concert in June. Plans he made with me weeks ago when we were just starting to see each other. Plans I was immediately excited about and have been looking forward to ever since.
• He’s purchased tickets for me to join him for football games and tailgating in the Fall.(You'll recall that he asked me out to tailgating the night we met, at which point I was disappointed at him not wanting to see me sooner. And look at us now.) This is months from now. HUGE commitment for me. And I didn’t hesitate to say that I wanted to be included in these plans. I was hoping he would ask. I can’t wait (except I don’t want it to be that close to Winter time again).
• And, as for me, I’ve already started trying to figure out how and when I can arrange to have him meet my family. Which translates to me thinking about plans for the holidays. The holidays! Soooo many months from now.

These are all plans made with the assumption that we will be going the distance and not just a flash in the pants. And I actually like it. I’m really looking forward to doing all of these things. I like thinking about everything we will get to do as a couple that both of us have had to do as singles. I very much like looking down the long path and seeing him there with me.

But this is somewhat frightening for me. The future…and its potential joy. In the recent past, I decided to stop looking into the future. I had a period of continuous, drastic, unfortunate changes in my life that made me feel that the more I thought I knew about where I was in life and the more comfortable I was in the world, the more likely it was to all fall apart.

So as I get more and more comfortable and happy with the idea of me and Guy…you know, the big “us,” I get more and more anxious about a rug being pulled out from under me. Just as I see a path lighting up before us and think I know where we’re headed, I fear what feels like the inevitable bottom dropping out somewhere along the way.

I don’t want to live this way and I do my best not to let this anxiety get in the way of enjoying life and him, but it’s there. And then, the other night, I let my trepidation about looking forward slip out. And it really bothered Guy. Tactical error.

I “eeek”ed in reference to the making of future plans. This “eeek” was not intended to signify a freak out about a future with Guy, but rather to indicate that I’m anxious about being too happy. About thinking I know how things are going to be.

This sparked a discussion about me looking for reasons for things to fail and concerns that I’m going to get scared and then cut and run. Both valid concerns based on my reaction.

So I explained that I very much want to have a future with Guy and I don’t want to find any reason to end our relationship. That, in fact, when things get a little difficult, I actually find reasons to keep it together and work through it. That I will hold on as hard as I can for as long as I can because the little voice in my head says, “Stay. This is where you need to be. This is your path.”

And so, every day I am allowing myself to get more and more comfortable looking down the path. I let myself enjoy thoughts of the future. Because, when it comes down to it, even if another rug is pulled out from under me, I know who will be there to help me stand back up. I know who can help me deal with anything that comes my way.

Which is good because it turns out there is one more reason to be a bit anxious about the future…the condom broke the other night.

Eeek. It's going to be a long few weeks.

To be continued…