S: La Resistance...Backfire?

I feel like my resistance to responding to Guy’s text last night backfired. Or maybe it didn’t. I don’t know how I feel any more.

I remained strong most of the night and did not send a response. But then, I got home a little after 2 in the morning, made a snack (as I always do, which is very bad but I can’t help) started to feel very bad and doubt myself. I wondered how he was going to feel when I didn’t respond to him at all.

I don’t know. It was late. I was tired. I’m a sucker when it comes to making other people not like me.

I caved.

It took me a while to think about it, so at this point it was 3 in the morning. I figured it was safe to send a message then because he would be asleep and I wouldn’t have to get into a conversation with him.

So I sent, “Out.” (This in response to his question about if I was out or home.)

Maybe not the best idea.

Well, clearly not the best idea. Based on what happened this morning.

At 6 a.m. I received a text saying that he had hoped to call and talk to me about his “horrible decision.”

And there it was, the message I have been waiting since last Friday to get. The “I want to talk message.”

I was excited, but I didn’t respond right away. It was 6 in the morning and I was not quite awake. And I still didn’t want to seem like I could just be pulled back at his whim. And then I fell asleep before I could come up with a proper response.

A couple of hours later, I got up to feed the cats and decided I better say something. I told him that I would be willing to spend some time talking tonight. He called a short time later.

He was pissed.

He was angry and hurt that I had ignored him the night before. He wanted to know why. I tried to explain about protecting myself after Thursday’s lovely conversation, but he wasn’t buying it. He said I was just trying to get even. Then he said I was trying to take control of the situation.

I asked him why I shouldn’t have some control? Why does he get to have all the control?

I explained that I didn’t feel like he needed to know where I was. He said he just wanted to know because he wanted to talk. I told him if he had told me that I would have at least responded.

He said he didn’t believe me. Which is something he repeated a number of times throughout the conversation.

He told me that he had been feeling like he made a mistake, even though he was still feeling his trust issues. But then my having a date 2 days after we broke up made him rethink the trust thing. (Basically he wants to know how he can believe I’m not just going to leave him for someone else a few years down the road.)

I told him it wasn’t fair to use my taking that date as a reason not to trust me. We are broken up. I wasn’t interested in the guy. I was just trying to get back into the blog challenge to distract myself and try to move on.

I do believe he then told me not to give him the blog story.

Anyway, it went on like this. A very unpleasant conversation. We talked about a lot of things. And it became clear that we have been misunderstanding each other’s feelings and messages. But we didn’t really resolve anthing.

I’m still not really even sure why he called. To tell me he doesn’t want to talk anymore? Why not just ignore my text then? Why respond at all? To rub it in? To make me feel bad? To tell me we ALMOST got back together but I messed it up?

I don’t know what he wanted from me.

By the end of the conversation he was telling me he wasn’t sure about things. Frankly, neither was I. But he had to be somewhere so he had to go. He said, sarcastically, that it had been a great conversation. I said that yes it went really well. Then he said, “It would have been better last night.”

This did not sit well with me. He just had to get in a last little jab. We had a little more fight and then finally hung up.

I keep starting to think that I lost my chance. But then I realize, no, he’s lost his. I don’t think I should have behaved differently. Most of the time. I will fully admit to having been riddled with self-doubt all day. But I just have to tell myself that it’s his loss, not mine.

I don’t know what he’s thinking now. I’m feeling like maybe I need some space anyway. And I’m not sure how I feel about him after that call. I haven’t sent any messages to him. I keep wanting to, but I don’t know what I would say, so I remain silent. He did the breaking up, he needs to come to me.

I feel bad that he’s hurt, but really, don’t I have to take care of me right now? Even if that means “being a bitch?” (His words.)

I’m sad that it seems like all is lost at this point. Sad for the loss of what we had early in the relationship. Not sad about the Guy I talked to today. Him I’m mad at. He’s mean. He hurts me. And then makes me feel bad about it.

I’m confused. I don’t understand how I can be so frustrated with him, but still hope that he wants to talk. I don’t get how I can not want to deal with this bahookey but still want to be with him. I don’t know how I can miss him when he does stuff like this to me.

I’m hurt and I’m angry. But I think I still love him. Which sucks.

I think I will hear from him again. Today he is staying silent to show me how it feels. Only, I haven’t sent him anything to ignore. He’s hurt and angry too so he probably has nothing to say to me either. But the fact is, he texted and called this morning. He’s not quite done. I bet there will be something.

This means it’s time for me to figure my own stuff out. What do I really want to happen? I suppose I should have a firm grasp on the answer to that question.

For now…I need some sleep.

This stuff really takes it out of a girl.

S: Argh! Resisting!

I am blogging this as it happens.

Well, as it happens and while I'm still at home. Which won't be long because my cute little self is headed out to do some hard core flirting. And beer drinking. (Not hard core on the beer...promise.)

Here's what's going down...

I have not heard from Guy since our text conversation on Thursday night. This has not surprised me. I was pretty cold and unreceptive to his boohoos. And I know he has his son this weekend, so he's probably not feeling as lonely.

Anyway, I've been wondering if I would hear from him. I thought maybe tonight he would start to feel antsy again. Or not. Hard to say. He has a lot of pride, so if I've refused him, I can see him turning a cold shoulder.

So, I made plans to grab a beer with a (male) friend of mine who I haven't hung out with in a very long time. Don't get any ideas, not only is he a good friend of mine (whose friendship I would not destroy for a date) he is also a very good friend of my former fiance's. So REALLY off limits. But maybe he can wingman an August date for me.

I've been getting ready to head out while he finishes working and had just thought that if I heard from Guy, it would be about this time. And I hadn't, so I thought I was probably off the hook.

Wrong.

Just checked in for an update from my pal and there was a message from Guy wanting to know if I'm out or at home.

Ugh!

I'm not sure what I should do. Other than sit down and blog about it, right? It's ALL about the blog.

My options:
Ignore it - he needs to know he can't make me answer when called
Tell him it's not his business - he has no right to know what I'm doing
Tell him I'm headed out - let him sit and stew about me moving on
Ask him why he wants to know - mostly because I'm curious

I don't know!

I need to ignore it. I should not respond. Right? I'm struggling.

If I ignore it, I achieve 3 things: I let him know he can't just make me answer whenever he needs to hear from me, indicate that it's not his business where I am and make him stew about me moving on. The only thing that doesn't happen is my curiosity being satisfied as to why he wants to know what I'm up to.

O.k., ignoring.

Really.

I'm ignoring it.

There is no Guy.

Ignoring.

Not responding.

Zip.

Nada.

Zilch.

Not gonna do it. No way.

Ignoring it.

For real.

Oy.

I really will need a beer soon.

I'll keep you posted.

S: Who is This Guy?

Last night was interesting. It started innocently enough with a simple, friendly text…

On Thursdays I always spend the evening working on a weekly post I do for another blog. Guy knows I do this every Thursday, so, at about the time I am usually beginning, he sent a text wishing for me to have fun working on it.

Randomly. Out of the blue. He must have been missing me. Or lonely. Or horny.

Whatever. It was nice, but I was busy so I ignored it.

When I got done with a portion of it and went to start my workout, I replied that I always do have fun. In the meantime, he had sent me a video clearly shot on his phone, so I also asked what the video was.

A bit later, he responded that he was at a concert. What’s odd was that this show was at a place that he told me months ago he absolutely hated because of history with his ex and would never go to. This made me respond with surprise that he was there.

Here’s where the confusion, and/or appearance of multiple personalities, begins. He told me that he hadn’t wanted to stay home alone after reading my email, so he went to this place for this show. I said that the email must have been pretty bad to make him go there and I was sorry for that but that I didn’t understand how it could have been because he was the one who broke up with me.

A bit later, his next message was that I already have a date and he (Guy) sucks.

What??

Clearly beverages have been had.

Anyway, I replied to that with a terse “I can’t say I’m very comfortable talking about you picking up chicks and getting dates.” I just didn’t want to start some conversation about who is hot and can get dates with the guy I’m still in love with and who I don’t want to imagine with anyone else.

Now, what I did not do is let him off the hook thinking I had a date scheduled on Friday. Let him suffer just a bit more, yes? He doesn’t need to know that Mr. 21 never got back to me. He should still think I'm amazing enough to pick up a young dude not 2 days after he has dumped me. Because I am.

At this point he replied that I was the one with a date already and that he has no interest in dating someone else. Ok, am I supposed to feel bad now? That is so unfair. He’s the one who broke up with me. How mean is it for him to try to make me feel sorry for him not being able to move on?

Of course, I am WAY too nice. I’m trying not to be too nice to him, because it isn’t helping me at all, but it’s difficult to do. I’m not a mean-spirited person and this is someone I care about.

My response to his message was that I wasn’t interested in seeing anyone else either. (Which is true. This challenge is tough when you can’t muster up the desire to find a target and focus on it.) Then, because he knows about what we’re doing here and he knew I would be getting back in the game, I repeated that I had only accepted the date to fill the quota. I also said I was doing the challenge again as a distraction and a way of moving on.

And then, because I’m such a sucker…I told him that the date wasn’t going to happen. Mr. 21 had never contacted me again. I only wanted to let him off the hook so that when he did eventually find out there wouldn’t be any “Why did you let me continue to think you had a date when it so clearly bothered me?” conversation. I just can’t be cruel.

Then…this, which is one of these kinds of messages that just confuses the expletive out of me…the kinds of things he keeps saying that ALMOST make it sound like he feels like he made the wrong decision, but aren’t quite an explicit admission of that…

He said that it crushed him that I had moved on so quickly but that he had made his bed and now he has to sleep in it.

W…T…F?? Does that mean he’s not happy with what he’s done? Or maybe he was just indicating that he had finished his chores for the night and was going to sleep?

Seriously, if he thinks he’s done the right thing shouldn’t the message be along the lines of “It sucks but it’s the way it has to be”?

What’s with all the mixed signals? What does he want from me? Is he trying to get sympathy sex? Is he just trying to keep me tethered to him?

At this point, this is having the opposite effect. I’m getting rather frustrated and wanting to be further and further away. He’s playing with me. Not cool. Who is this guy? I’m not sure I can tell any more.

Again, I was too nice. I was trying to be matter-of-fact but I should have just shut him down or told him to leave me alone. I’m human. Part of me likes that he misses me and he’s feeling badly. He should. It’s validating. And part of me likes having blog material, so keep it coming. And part of me likes how good my workout is when he's pissing me off.

I reiterated that I had not moved on, as evidenced by the email that he had clearly read. And then asked what else I can do BUT move on? How else can I have a life? Then, I ran with his bed analogy (I like analogies) to illustrate for him that he still has a choice. I don’t understand what’s going on with him but that I am still willing, at this point, to help him make a different bed if he wants to.

He responded that he was confused.

(clearly)

I asked if he was confused about his thinking or mine. I was thinking that he was finally going to admit that he just wasn’t sure how he felt. But no, he said he was confused about my thinking “of course.”

Head slap.

My response to that was, “Well then we’re even because I can’t figure out where you’re at at all. I really have no idea what’s happening.” And then I sent another message explaining my analogy and simply telling him he still had a choice as far as I was concerned.

Although, truth be told, his window of opportunity is closing fast. Until the Guy I used to know shows back up, this Guy doesn’t have much of a chance.

His response to this “you still have a choice as far as I’m concerned” was to repeat that I was the one who already had a date scheduled and he couldn’t even THINK about dating anyone.

STOP SAYING THAT!

And then…here is where the hurt comes...he added this message. I’ve been trying to avoid quoting him directly, but paraphrasing will not do this justice…

And you are the one who supposedly loves me…HA. That’s a joke.

O-U-C-H

O.k. at this point I should have just told him to leave me alone. But, you know what, them’s fightin’ words. I was ticked and I wanted to have my say. How dare he call me a liar and try to boohoo to me when he’s the one who ended it and I’m just trying to do the healthy thing and move on? How dare he?

Again, I repeated that I did not have a date. And that the only reason I had the date was for the blog. He knows I don’t want to be with anyone else right now, I’ve said that numerous times. And then I told him that I don’t lie. Especially about these things.

(It’s hard to be honest about feelings in these situations and I have been very open with him when normally I’m rather protective and for him to accuse me of faking that…who-is-this-dude?)

Then I told him that I can’t sit in my house and pine away until I don’t love him anymore. That’s not how it works. If he doesn’t love me and he doesn’t want to be with me, what other choice do I have but to move on? (Honestly, a real answer would have been good…what other option does he think there is?)

His only response to this was a sad face.

Not cool. He does not get to be the sad one. So I replied to that with, “It’s not fair for me moving on to make you sad when you are the one who has rejected me.”

He said he missed me.

UGH! Are we even having the same conversation?!

My response: I know. But I guess we’ll just have to let time take that away.

He replied with an “ouch” and that he got my point and he wouldn’t bother me anymore.

I really should have left it at that, but I was tired and then suddenly felt bad for making him ouch (I’m so not good at being mean), so I told him I didn’t know why that would make him “ouch” and that I didn’t know what to say to him. I miss him too but there’s nothing I can do about it.

Finally he told me he would have preferred to have been hanging with me every night this week.

“Hanging”? Uh-huh.

The conversation ended with my: The thing that sucks about that is you don’t prefer it enough to still be in a relationship with me.

No reply.

And I don’t expect one. I’ve shot him down a few times now. I bet he disappears for a while. Which, when I’m in my right mind, is fine with me. In fact, whoever this new break-up Guy is, I hope he disappears forever. Guy From Last Spring is welcome back any time, if he still exists. It's entirely possible that he only lives in this blog now and that is truly what makes me sad.

Now…if only I had a date tonight. Dammit.

S: BUBC Busted!

I did it. I broke up the BUBC (break-up booty call) relationship. And I feel pretty good about it. As Jane suggested, it was empowering.

But it sucked too. I miss him.

On Monday night, while having our fun, we discussed future visits. Because we were having so much fun. And I knew it wasn’t going to get us back together, so what was the harm for a bit? I'm not being foolish, I know the deal.

I hadn’t yet considered the respect perspective of the whole thing. That both of us would lose respect for me. And, Guy's not likely to work through his stuff and really consider what it is he wants if he's getting me on the side. These things squelched my desire for future BUBCs.

Tuesday, when I found out his son would be staying with him, I told him I didn’t think it would be a good idea to see him. He said if I had needs he would be there to fill them. I didn't intend to go over Tuesday night and felt I had expressed that, so I went about my business at home and didn’t hear anything from him.

The next morning, he texted asking what happened on Tuesday night and hadn’t I had any needs he needed to fill. I didn’t respond right away because I was busy, and he added a bit later that really he had gone to bed early and gotten a ton of much needed sleep.

I repeated my belief that me going over there when his son was there was a bad idea, especially since that is what broke us up in the first place (hellooo?) and then made some comment about how I should have slept more but hadn’t.

He ignored the commentary about the right and wrong of the BUBC with his son around and just focused on the sleep part. And then the conversation ended.

I had plans Wednesday night so I wasn’t in texting mode, so he didn’t hear anything from me. Then, once again late at night, he asked about a meeting I was supposed to have the next day. (This is something that has been in the works that he does actually care about the results of because it could be a good thing for me.) He wanted to know what time it would be. I told him it was scheduled in the morning. He wished me good luck. I thanked him.

End of conversation, right?

Wrong.

He then texted wanting to know why earlier in the week I had been interested in coming to see him but now I wasn’t. Crap. Now I have to attempt to explain my change of heart on the whole BUBC thing. I responded that I couldn’t explain it in text and I would send him an email. (I really didn't want to talk because I'm much better at expressing myself when I can stop and think and get in all the words I want to say.)

An email that took me quite a while to compose.

Here are some of the highlights:

Monday night was great…but the more I think about it, the more I feel like a sex only relationship is the wrong choice. For both of us.

…it seems like a good way to make you lose respect for me and for me to lose respect for myself.

If us having sex in a loving, monogamous relationship that was long term but wasn’t maybe going to lead to marriage was wrong (hence the break-up), then us having sex outside of the security and commitment of a relationship has to be really wrong. And really unfair.

…the more I thought about it, the more I started to worry that … one day you would realize that what we were doing was really wrong and you would dump me. Again. And think of me as some kind of whore.

… if I am to minimize the scarring of this, I need to be strong and let myself move on.

I deserve your love. And I'm abusing myself if I give myself to you without the return payment of your love, respect and honor.

… I think [Monday night] was an isolated incident. I fear that each subsequent visit would tear away at me a little more. And give me that hope that I am trying so hard to shake.

He hasn’t responded. I don’t know if he’s read it or not. He may have fallen asleep before I sent it. Yes, it took that long to compose.

We have communicated today. I texted him and told him the results of the meeting. Because I knew he cared and because I was excited, but it’s a secret and he’s the only one I could share with. His responses were kind and supportive. No mention of anything else.

I’m not at all sure what his reaction is or will be. Whatever it is, it won’t change my mind. This is the end of BUBC. One was enough.

And at least I got a chance to break up with him too.

J: A Missed Kiss

Tonight I ended up going dancing with Mr. May again for several hours after class.

At the end of it, he walked me to my car and right there in the parking lot, beside my car we practiced an especially challenging dance move a few times.

He reach over to hug me as a goodbye and I could see the kiss in his eyes. I know, that sounds silly & dramatic but you know what I'm saying right?

I could see that intent.

But he didn't lean. So I didn't lean.

And we ended up in a slightly awkward sideways hug. And he kissed the side of my forehead.

It's something, right?

I wonder if I should have done something more to encourage it.

I also wonder if I actually did something sub-consciously, at the last minute to discourage it.

Maybe he wasn't ready. Maybe despite all the signals he's giving out, he doesn't actually like me in that way Or maybe he just needs to put on his big boy pants and take a chance.

I dunno.

I DO know that I won't be the one to initiate anything since I'm still not completely sure regarding my feelings for him.

As we parted, he asked me to text when I got home. Which I did. And via text he asked me to go out again tomorrow. Which I can't.

But with all the interest & the invites, it sounds like something might be happening here.

Hmmm....

S: Will He or Won't He?

The status of my date on Friday is currently in question. Because why should anything going on in my world just be or not be? I do so enjoy instability and uncertainty.

I also enjoy being facetious.

And using $9 words.

Back to the point. On Saturday night, after exchanging a few texts, Mr. 21 asked if I wanted to hang out again. I asked if he meant he wanted to take me out. (When a girl needs a date, sometimes she has to lead a bit). He responded in the affirmative and told me to just tell him when.

Time for strategery. How soon should I be available? He knew I had just broken up with someone, so I thought it would be o.k. to be available inside a week. That and I don't really care what he thinks. So I told him I had nothing on the schedule for Friday. Might as well get this out of the way.

He indicated that would work for him, so I asked what he had in mind. He said it was up to me. A bit later, I sent him a couple of suggestions. Knowing we would have very little in common and not much to say to each other (can you say “quota date”?) I suggested either dinner and arcade games (I know what the kids like) or dinner and a movie. Two things that will not require a ton of conversation once the food has been consumed. I don’t mind trying for a little while. He could end up being interesting. (O.k., who am I kidding, I just want the food.)

By this time, it’s nearly 3 in the morning, so his response was that he would text me the next day to get it figured out. I thought that sounded like a decent plan.

But then, nothing. He never texted the next day. Or the day after that. Or at all.

I think he lost his nerve. My guess is that he had some liquid courage working in his favor on Saturday night and once that was gone, the prospect of being at all interesting to a hot 30-something chick was daunting. (I almost typed that with a straight face.)

Actually, he probably decided that he has no interest in dealing with such an old fart.

I’m not bothered by this. I really have no interest in him.

I do have interest in having a date set up in August so I can get back in the game though. The problem is that if I reach out to him, it will imply interest on my part where there is none. This will make the inevitable “no we should not go out again” conversation a little more difficult. Why would I bug him about setting up a first date if I had no intention of spending any further time with him?

Then, yesterday, he friended me on Facebook. I was surprised that he did, since I haven’t heard from him, but I assume he wanted to do a little social media recon before he made any further plans with me. Fine. I accepted the request. Let him recon. Aside from a few old pictures of me as a fatty, there isn't anything to hide.

Still, I have not heard from him. Maybe the fatty pics scared him off.

Basically, all this means that I don’t know if I actually have a date on Friday. And I’m not sure how to respond to him if he does contact me at this point or beyond. It’s kind of rude to wait this long to make firm plans.

If he texts me on Thursday night, do I just say, "Sorry dude, I didn’t hear from you, I made other plans"?

Or do I take the date so I meet my quota for the month? Who cares if he has bad dating practices? I’m not going to see him again anyway.

Or do I take the date because I really don’t want to stay home Friday night? Having something going on is way better than having nothing going on because an evening of nothing leaves too much room for thinking about things that I’m rather tired of thinking about.

I guess we’ll see what happens if I hear from him. I'll have to just live in the moment. It's doubtful that I will hear anything at this point. I think he doesn’t have the guts. But, maybe he does. I’ll let you know. Probably while I'm eating pizza and drinking wine while watching Netflix on my sofa. With the cats.

S: The Break-Up Story...At Last

I am now going to attempt to write a post about the actual break-up. It’s difficult to recount a break-up conversation because it usually doesn’t have much structure. You end up talking about a hundred different things at random in an attempt to get everything spelled out and say all the things you want to say before you no longer have a chance to say them.

The conversation Guy and I had was no different, so I’ll do the best I can to get it recorded here. I’ve gone over parts of it in my mind many times, so some of it is still pretty fresh. Other things come back to me as I go. Most of it doesn’t make sense.

As a new world form of therapy, I will also respond to each of his points with the arguments I actually did make, or the ones I keep thinking of but will never have the chance to say to him. I was never good at thinking of these things on the fly.

O.k. as much fun as it is to relive this…here goes…

So the catalyst for all of this was that his son sort of caught us twice on Wednesday night. First, in a somewhat compromising position, making out on the couch. It was late at night the night I had returned from being gone for nearly a week. We were feeling frisky. We hadn’t yet made it to the bedroom. My shirt was off. We heard him get out of bed upstairs and Guy as much as tossed me off his lap and I ran into the bedroom. But apparently I was too slow, or he was too quick. Because, as we found out later, he saw.

Then, I stayed over, as I have done for the last 6 months. We usually set the alarm for before his son wakes up and I sneak out unnoticed. And, we usually wake up when he hops out of bed for cuddle time with Dad, so Dad can meet him on the stairs and take him back to his room. But, since I had been gone, his son was used to climbing in bed with Dad for the last week. In fact, Guy had mentioned that this had been going on so I really don’t know why he didn’t just close the door like he sometimes did if he thought we might get caught. Suddenly, at 5 in the morning, there his son was whispering, “Dad. Dad.” We hadn’t been asleep that long, so I had to wake Guy up (which also explains why we didn’t wake up when he got out of bed). His son, as we found out later, noticed me there, even sort of hidden behind Guy.

I didn’t hear much from Guy during the day that next day. I had asked him a question about his Friday plans via text and something about weekend scheduling via email. Neither of which he responded to. But I didn’t think much of it since sometimes he is too busy during the day to communicate much. I’m used to it. I'm not paranoid. And I've learned not to assume the worst.

After work I finally heard from him. He texted and said that his son had had a lot of questions about why I didn’t have a shirt on and why I was in bed with him. He then said he felt like a horrible father.

I tried to send him words to make him feel better, but it seemed like I was pushing buttons, so I stopped and figured we would talk it through in person when I got there later that night. I was prepared to hear him say that I couldn’t stay over while his son was there anymore. I thought I would have to fight for time with him, but that was as far as I thought it would go.

Anyway, because of other blogs I work on, that night was a busy night for me, but I worked as fast as I could to get over there. At some point, I cut short what I was doing so I could get there before he decided it was too late and went to bed. I wanted him to have a chance to work through this with someone. I never imagined what he was really thinking.

I went over there prepared to talk and prepared to make my case for quality time with him if we couldn’t have quantity, but for once, I did not go over there prepared for him to break up with me. As many times as I’ve driven there ready for my execution, this time it did not even occur to me. As he had always wanted, finally I was not assuming the worst. My mistake.

When I got there he had me sit down on the couch next to him, which was my indication that he too was ready to talk right away. I sat down and started rubbing his back like he likes and got into supportive girlfriend mode. Like a sucker.

He said he had been thinking and feeling badly about this all day. Then he mentioned my text responses hadn’t helped, at which point I defended myself by saying I didn’t know what to say and it was hard to discuss this over text and I didn’t want to push buttons or be misread. He accepted that and continued.

This is where it turns down a path I did not see coming. The break-up path. On which there is no turning back.

Following is a list (at random) of his well-thought-out reasons for breaking up with me and what I said…or wish I had said.

He started by saying he felt like he was being a bad example to his son. That if neither one of us was in a place where we want to get married, why are we together? How could he be involved in a sexual relationship with me when he couldn’t make a commitment to marry me? He posed the question, “Where is this going?”

I couldn’t answer that specifically. I’ve always felt like it was going somewhere, but I know better than to try to predict the future or make empty promises.

I told him that being with him had made me think more and more about the possibility of forever and getting married, but I knew he had issues with marriage and how it changes things, so I've never considered it an option for us.

I told him that I did think we had a future but I couldn’t really define what it was. (ok, it didn’t come out that eloquently, but that’s what I meant)

He said we had fantastic sex and I am amazing in bed. But he wondered if our relationship was purely based on the physical and if we had anything going beyond great sex.

I felt like we did, we just liked the sex so much that we spent more time on that. But the relationship started with an unexpected and strong connection.

I do think that we could relate to each other without the physical, but the physical brought us closer and made us a stronger couple. (didn’t say this…wish I had thought of it)

We talked about a lot of different things on this night and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I really just liked sitting there talking with him. I told him this and he said jokingly, “Oh, you like this conversation?” I of course replied that the subject matter left a lot to be desired, but what I’ve always liked is how easy it is for us to talk. (See? We had more than just sex. Dammit.)

He said he didn’t “know” that we should be together. That he “knew” he was supposed to be with his ex when they were dating. That we shouldn’t be together because after 6 months together, he didn’t “know” that he wanted to spend his life with me.

At some point, when I was ranting about the whole “knowing” thing, I indicated that that’s a BS argument since she cheated on him and they are now divorced. He had some answer for that, but I wasn’t buying it.

How can you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone after only 6 months? It doesn’t seem like that long to me.

How does he expect to have a relationship with anyone if “knowing” is a requirement? He’s not going to “know” after one date. (I only thought of this point a day too late.)

He said he shouldn’t be in a relationship because he has trust issues. He is afraid that I will eventually become a different person and leave him. He thinks he needs to get over his trust issues before he gets involved with someone again.

This does seem to be a major issue for him. It’s like I’ve been with two different Guys. The first Guy was head-over-heels for me and made me feel the same about him. Then this other Guy showed up. This scared Guy. That’s all I can figure…he started to get scared. I can’t help him with that. He doesn't believe what I say.

My question is, how do you get over trust issues if you’re not in a relationship in which you have to trust someone? ( I REALLY wish I had thought of this at the time.)

What sucks is that he did to me what he always said he was afraid I would do to him…which kind of pisses me off. And I still wish I had a chance to express this to him. He always hated double standards, but he was pretty good at them himself.

At this point, bitter me is wondering how long it will really be before he’s seeing someone else. I think it’ll happen pretty quickly, despite his claims of thinking he shouldn’t be in a relationship. He’s not one to stay alone. He’s told me that before.

He has a problem with the fact that I’m not Catholic (in fact, I don’t believe in God). He said this wasn’t really one of the reasons, but it was something he always came back to. And, though he didn't say it this time, he’s said before that wants to be with someone he can share that part of his life with.

His beliefs have never been an issue for me. I always had a lot of respect for the fact that he stood by what he believed and tried to make his religion a regular part of his life.

I’ve always been willing to share this with him to some degree, but he always felt like that was disingenuous. To me, if it was important that we both go to Mass, then I would go to Mass. But he always thought that was a waste of time because I didn’t believe. I couldn’t convince him that the things that are important to him are important to me and not wastes of time. He would never let me join him, even when I asked.

If it turns out that he needs to be with someone who’s Catholic, then I am not what he wants or needs. That means it’s move on time.

The thing that bugs me about this reason is that he’s not exactly mister religious. It sucks that he’s decided this is a big deal when he’s very good at forgetting his Catholicism in other aspects of his life. How is it negotiable in some situations, but not when it comes to me? My only answer for that is that he doesn’t love me. If he loved me, he would find a way. It just sucks that he can be everything I want at the same time as I am not everything that he wants.

He said that if we did figure out how to get married and spend our lives together, it would be a huge disappointment to his parents. He’s afraid of disappointing his parents. He will give up things that make him happy so he doesn’t disappoint his parents.

You know what? It hurts to be referred to as a disappointment. I told him I definitely did not want to be a source of disappointment.

I think he should do the things that make him happy, not his parents. And really, they want him to be happy, it’s just unfortunate that they think they know what will make him happy.

I’m not sure I can abide this line of thinking. This fear of what his mom will think. It’s hard to have respect for that. Think for yourself. Let her figure out her own shit.

I think that was all of them. That's all I can remember anyway. There could be more.

Something that frustrates me is that the more I go over this, the more his reasons don’t make sense. Or are at least easy to argue against. But really, one does not need a reason to break up. If a person wants to break up, that is reason enough. We try to justify things and make them easier by coming up with logic for our actions, but basically, if you want to break up, that’s your reason. “Why are we breaking up?” “Because I want to.” “O.k. Have a nice life.”

When it comes down to it, all this adds up to him not being in love with me. I feel like if he loved me, all of this stuff would just be logistics. Little details we hammer out as we go. Things that you think, “Well, I’m afraid she’s going to leave, but I love her, so I can’t help myself. I have faith in her and us and I want to be with her and enjoy her for as long as I can.” Or “O.k., we don’t agree on religion, but I’m in love with her so I can respect her beliefs and work past our differences. And who cares what my mom says?”

I don’t think he loves me. It seemed like he did at some point and I’m not sure when that stopped, but he can’t possibly be in love with me and do this. During the conversation I heard a lot of “I like"s and no “I love”s. That’s my sign. If he doesn’t love me, if he can't even use the word in a conversation about our relationship, I don’t want to be with him.

At some point, the break-up became very altruistic for him. He said if he couldn't be all the way in the relationship, he didn’t want to waste any more of my time. He was setting me free for my own sake. I’m only 35, I’m smokin’ hot, I still have time to find the person who is right for me. Better for me than him.

I hate this part of a break-up. Don’t do this for my sake. You are tearing me apart. I’ll decide when it’s good for me, but right now it mostly just seems good for you. And I’m not interested in making you feel better by accepting the fact that you’re doing this for my own good. (I totally deserve this though, because I think I said the same basic things to my ex-fiance.)

Oddly, we talked about how people usually gravitate toward the same type of people and end up dating a certain type of person over and over. This is probably why subsequent marriages don't work out. Same issues, same personality flaws, different names. He then said I really wasn’t like his ex-wife. O.k. this seems like a reason to keep moving forward together, but no? I guess it’s no wonder he doesn’t want to be with me, he needs to find someone more like her to feel comfortable. I feel bad for him that he can’t break the chain and be with someone different.

As we were nearing the end of the conversation he did say he would really miss me in his life. And he kept saying that he knew he may be making a big mistake. I told him flat out that he was. But maybe mine isn’t the proper perspective on that.

He kept acting like he just wasn’t sure this was really what he wanted to do. I told him that if he’s done, he’s done. I’m not going to beg. He said he couldn’t say that he was done. He wasn’t sure this was the right thing.

I didn’t want there to be a glimmer of hope, so I ignored this.

One last tidbit. He actually said, “It’s not you, it’s me.” I thought he was making a cliché joke so I laughed at him. Big and loud. Bwahahaha!

Based on his reaction to that...I don’t think he was joking.

O.k. I think that’s it. I know this is a tome and I do apologize for the inelegance of my long-windedness. This post was difficult, but I’m glad I went through the exercise.

It’s like saying the same word over and over. Eventually it loses its meaning. The more I go over this night in my head, the less it means. I do feel like I’m getting further and further away from it. It’s starting to just feel like a story I tell. Even the notes I made the day after seem way more angry and bitter than I really am…most of the time.

Looks like I might get over this after all.