S: Throwing in the Towel

I feel I should update you on the current situation with Guy, but I’m not entirely sure how. Everything is pretty inexplicable and I find myself just going with the flow and living in the moment.

As far as I can tell, Big Talk Day has been removed from the schedule. I think we had it. Well, we talked and I heard the same things I’m sure I would hear a couple of weeks from now. Which is why I’ve given up on him coming to any kind of realization.

The talk happened last Wednesday. Just a mere 3 days after my suggestion that we take a couple of weeks and decide where we are. Early in the week, he continued to be frustrated with my decree of time and space and no sex. He kept saying that I was withholding sex to get what I wanted. Like his ex did. For which he despised her.

This bothered me because it was unfair and nonsensical. And I just couldn’t make him understand. On Wednesday I asked if we could get together and talk in the evening because I wanted to get this straightened out so it wasn’t clouding our think time. I told him that it really disturbed me that he used the word “despise” in reference to what was going on.

At some point while we were exchanging messages, he suggested that since I mentioned needing to move on maybe I should forego the 2 weeks of no sex and just move on.

This was a slap in the face. I replied that this was why I wanted to talk. Because I didn’t think he understood what was going on in my head at all. I told him I wasn’t ready to give up but that if he doesn’t want me then I have to move on. Then I said that if he wants me to move on I will, but did he really want to do this to me via text.

He responded in the negative and that I was the one who kept talking about moving on. To which I replied that my true need was to know where his head is, but that I hadn’t wanted to put pressure on him. Then there was quiet on the text front. He never did respond about getting together to talk.

A few hours later, I was finishing up a job near his house wondering how to time dinner and more work when I decided to see if he was around and I could weasel a dinner out of him. I didn’t hear back right away, so I headed home. By the time he texted, I was already home. I told him as much and he didn’t respond.

Later, I was back in his neck of the woods after finishing work and running one final errand. I texted again, mainly because I wanted to have that talk. I needed him to understand me so he didn’t think I was being evil. This time I killed time while waiting for a reply.

Finally a cryptic reply came that I had teased him before and he needed to workout. I wasn’t sure what that meant so I said I was still in the neighborhood and asked if he was refusing. He replied that he was trying to decide if he was going to be stubborn like me and not let me come over. And then sent another message saying he would not be stubborn and I should come over.

Sometimes I want to shake him.

O.k., a lot of the time I want to shake him.

I made my way over there and we sat down to talk. We covered a lot of the same ground we’ve covered before. In fact, we talked about things I had not intended for us to talk about. I really just wanted to clear the air about the 2 week think time and the no sex thing. We went way beyond that.

He said he has strong feelings for me, that he trusts me and that he misses me when I’m not around. He also said that he knows it’s his own fault if he’s lonely without me. But he kept going back to not wanting to go through a difficult break up like his divorce. I still didn’t have the words to combat that. I can’t tell him what the future holds.

We talked about a lot of things. We snuggled on the couch. I told him that to completely move on I would probably have to cut him out of my life but that I really couldn’t do that right now. He asked if I wanted him to tell me I had to go away. I told him he didn’t get to that. It’s my choice. I just can’t do it.

And I don’t believe he would be o.k. without me around. This relationship hasn’t ended. But, it does seem like it isn’t going to go any further. He’s stuck on this fear that I’m going to hate him in a few years and break his heart. He doesn't have the courage to see what could happen with us.

O.k. Fine. There is no future for us. And so, I will live in the now. I will do what works for me now, because there isn’t any reason to think about what it would mean for the future.

After all the talking and cuddling and being close, I stayed. And it was good. It always brings us closer and makes the sun shine a little brighter the next day. It’s a little different outside of something more permanent, but it still makes both of us feel better.

So, this is me letting us go into the friends with benefits zone. Because I don’t care. There’s no future for us. I’m happier when I’m around him. He’s happier when he’s around me. It helps me get over thinking we should be together. I’m sure I’ll get bored with it soon enough. I just don’t have it in me yet to cut him out completely.

He knows I have to date. He even makes jokes about it. At first it bothered me that he was comfortable with it, but then I realized that he’s not. He’s making the jokes as a way of getting used to it, but I can tell he doesn’t want me to move on. (At some point I joked that he could just pay the $10 for me not to get a date every month. He may be considering it.)

I know how all of this sounds. It sounds like a poor choice, and maybe it is. I don’t know any more. At this point, no matter what I do, I doubt myself. When I spend time with him and stay close…I doubt. When I keep my distance and try to cut him out…I doubt. It feels good to be with him and it feels wrong to be at odds with him. Something continues to draw me back. I just can’t let go of how much better I feel when I’m with him.

I don't know which voices to listen to. Every time I listen to someone else, I get miserable. But when I listen to myself I get confused. I don't know if I'm hearing my head or my heart half the time. And when I do know, I'm not sure which one is right. They both know what's going on and they both know there will be ache at the end. They've known that since last February when all of this started. They are at odds at how to arrive at that ache.

The problem is that I’m just not sure when our how this undefined relationship ends. It’s bound to get messier before it gets cleaner.

I’m asking for it, I know. And, to quote Guy, "it’s my own damn fault."