S: More Guy Stuff

The jury is out on how annoying it is that the Guy situation is constantly changing.

My guess is that the biggest annoyance for you is how long the blog posts always are.

Anyway, just when I think I’ve got my brain wrapped around it, there is a crack on the surface and it all falls to pieces.

This is clearly one of the major problems with being involved in an undefined relationship. It breaks a lot.

Here’s what’s been happening…

Last Thursday, after our Wednesday night talk and establishment of non-relationship, I was again in Guy’s neighborhood for work. This time I texted him earlier to say I was around and see what was for dinner. He responded and a visit was arranged. Yay! This always puts me in a good mood. Not only would I get to hang with Guy and his son for dinner (yes, he was allowing me to hang with his son), but I would be able to procrastinate my usual Thursday night blog activities.

I went over a bit early because my work was complete, and as expected, dinner was not yet ready. Guy and his son were getting ready for a game of catch, so I joined them. Work clothes and all. We had a great time. I even had to do some punitive push-ups along with the other two for not catching with both hands.

Then, while we waited for Guy to finish up dinner, his son and I played a few rounds of Wii sports. We always have a good time with that. His kid is very easy to get along with.

Dinner was nice, and, in usual fashion, Guy was secretly handsy…sneaking little grabs here and there. He does that. It’s cute. And flattering.

After dinner, Guy’s son wanted to entrap him and tickle him which set off an epic tickle battle that included some surreptitious wandering hands courtesy of you-know-who. Good times. But then it was time for the young one to be off to bed. I finished cleaning up in the kitchen and then decided I should take off to get my Thursday night stuff done while Guy was occupied with bedtime or else I would never leave. Knowing full well that, good or bad idea, I would be back. The evening had been good and Guy had primed my pump.

I went back later, not having finished my blogging duties (putting them off until the next day) and had a great night with my not-boyfriend. He even started the night off my just snuggling up next to me to talk. He didn’t just dive right in.

Ok, this non-relationship stuff seems almost as good as the actual relationship stuff.

Friday morning we were awakened at 4 by his son knocking on the door, so Guy went upstairs with him to put him back to bed. Usually when this happens, he may fall asleep with him for a bit, but he always comes back. But when I woke up to head home, he hadn’t come back. No morning num nums. Sad.

We spent the day lamenting via text that we had not had any A.M. fun and that we wouldn’t get to have any P.M. fun because he was heading out of town for the weekend. At some point a day or two before I had suggested that he take me with him (I really wanted to go), but he declined. In fact, he had encouraged me to go out Saturday night and find my September date and then he would come home and satisfy me on Sunday.

Anyway, I told him he should have taken me with him because then we wouldn’t be in this sad “no num nums” situation.

I spent Friday night with a friend having great conversation. Even some words of wisdom about the Guy thing. But still, I missed Guy. I didn’t hear much from him that night, as he was with friends, but we did exchange some “missing you” good night messages.

On Saturday, I only heard from him sporadically, but that wasn’t a surprise. We were both busy with social activities. In fact, we were both watching the same sporting event (he was AT the event and I was watching it on TV with friends), so we spent most of the afternoon texting each other about what was happening with our team.

Then quiet.

I headed out for the night to celebrate a couple of birthdays, but suggested to him that he sober up and drive home so we can finish what we started on Thursday night. His (delayed) response was that he was hammered.

The evening was filled with good friends who all said they had missed seeing me out in the world. These are the friends I love just hanging with and having great conversations. And they know how to have a good time. Unfortunately, no prospects. I know them all. And dating in the group is a good way to get ostracized.

I didn’t pay attention to my phone all night. No messages from Guy.

On my way home, I needed pizza in a bad way, which is pretty much the norm for me after a night out. I just stopped at the 24-hour grocery store but considered for a moment going to Guy’s place and taking the frozen cheese pizza I know he bought for me before we broke up. So I texted him, trying to be cute (and to indicate that I was out LATE), and asked how wrong it would be to go to his house and steal that pizza.

Early the next morning, I finally got a reply. “Did you?” I told him that I was a good girl and bought my own.

No reply.

I knew he would be headed home for his son’s usual Sunday sporting events, but I expected to hear more from him. I thought he would want to see me. But 7 hours later, I had gotten no more from him. So I sent out an exploratory message saying that it bugged me that I got so bummed when I didn’t hear from him and then sending good vibes for his kid’s games.

A bit later he said they had lost one and the next one was coming up. I waited a bit and wished him luck for the next one.

A couple of hours later his response was that it was time to mow the lawn and how excited he was about that. To which I replied that I had just finished doing that very thing and I now I had the pleasure of a workout and I could feel his pain.

Then…nothing.

I kept trying to keep a conversation going so he would say something about seeing me, or at least open the door for me to ask about getting together. But nothing. I started to get paranoid that there was a reason that he was being distant. This is exactly what happens in an undefined relationship. This is when I start to worry about the “someone new.”

The evening passed with no messages from him and I settled in to get some blog work done. I logged into Facebook and the first thing I’m treated to is pictures from his weekend. I hate this part. And I hadn’t yet figured out how to hide his updates so I wouldn’t have to see this stuff. I don’t want to go so far as to unfriend him, but the pictures of him having fun with girls really bugs me.

Here’s where it all takes a turn. Actually, no, it all took a turn a month ago when he broke up with me. This is just all a result of the turn.

In an attempt to try to start up a conversation and maybe still get to a point where we could spend some time together that night, without it feeling like a booty call, I sent him a message about Facebook always wanting me to see pictures of him having fun with other girls. I was really just looking for some Facebook-is-evil-when-it-comes-to-relationships commiseration, because I know how he feels about that.

He said they were all married. Which is probably true. I didn’t look. But he does tend to be the guy his married girl friends can flirt with because he’s safe and fun.

I told him I hadn’t looked at the pics because it’s hard for me to see him having fun without me. Not that I don’t want him to have fun but that I miss having fun with him. (Part of this is because I had really wanted to go with him on that trip.) Then I told him I knew that was dumb but I couldn’t help it.

At this point, I saw he was logged into Facebook (another thing I need to get rid of) and finally chatted him saying I hate that I can see him there but I don’t know if I should chat with him or not. He said I was being goofy. I agreed and said I was silly. Then he was cute and blended the words and made me laugh. This kept it light…I thought.

Via text he asked if I had had fun on Saturday night. I said I had. He replied that he was sure there were boys having fun with me. I told him that there weren’t. That it was all people I knew who don’t think I’m hot. And, besides, I still miss having fun with him.

Then, silence.

A bit later (still hoping there would be a way for me to see him in a non-booty call way), I apologized and said I had just needed to vent about the evil that is Facebook. So someday he would know why I unfriended him. This may have been poorly worded. I don’t think my point was made very well and it definitely seemed rather negative.

Even later, having given up hope of seeing him based on the late hour, and having not heard anything from him, I tried to explain my weird mood. I told him I had thought I might have to talk him out of stuff that day (because I spent the day thinking we should maybe not do what we’ve been doing…knowing full well that’s exactly what I wanted to be doing), but when I didn’t have to talk him out of anything it got my mind going in the “he’s moved on” direction and it put me in a funk. Then I said it wasn’t his fault but that I was just trying to explain.

He replied wondering what I was going to have to talk him out of and then sent another message saying I confuse the crap out of him sometimes.

I responded that the “stuff” was sex and that I confuse the crap out of myself. And that he also confuses me.

I really wasn’t thinking straight at this point. I don’t know why. And I really don’t know what was going on in my head.

Then he wanted to know what about sex. I replied that as of Friday, I thought he would want to see me. I said that it was o.k. that he didn’t but it makes me think things that I’m not ready to think. And then said that that was my best guess as to what was going on. That and I think I had a fresh round of hormones starting to course through my veins. (And, ladies, we all know how that changes our thinking without our realizing it.)

A bit later he responded that he had wanted to see me but that he hadn’t heard much from me.

What?! I had been trying to start conversations with him all day and he never made any noise about wanting to see me. And, as you can see from my earlier blathering on, it was I who was not hearing from him.

Sometimes I’m pretty sure we are both on completely different planets.

This did nothing for my weird head stuff. My reply to him was that I had been sending him messages but that I feel like crazy ex-girlfriend if I send too many without hearing from him in between. Which is true. If he doesn’t respond, I take that as my cue.

Speaking of which…nothing.

Then, it just so happened that I was reading Jane’s posts about her Mr. September and I was feeling pretty bummed about how much she sounded like me a few months ago. I mean, great for her, but just a reminder for me. (There’s a post brewing about celebrating with your friends even when it hurts you. Go Jane! Be happy… you soooo deserve it.)

I let my mood get the best of me and texted him that I was reading her posts and she sounds like me when we met and that it was great for her but hard for me to read.

Silence.

Paranoid me wondered what he was thinking. Logical me figured he had fallen asleep.

A bit later I tried one more time. I live near a place that is rented out for events and often the bands are loud and keep me up with their annoying noise. I texted that I was in such a poop mood that I was about to call the cops.

He responded to this by saying if it was driving me nuts I could come to his place. And that he was heading to bed.

This felt like a booty call. For the first time…it seemed like a booty call. We hadn’t spent any time together that weekend. It was midnight. He was obviously going to bed. The part of my brain that makes me miserable told me not to go. Even though I had been waiting ALL DAY for an invitation. (The other issue being that I was in bed and looking like crap. Did I really want get up and get even a little bit ready?)

I was at least relieved that he still wanted to invite me over.

I sent a smile and thanked him but that I would try to stick it out there. Although a good cuddle would be nice. And then a bit later I told him to sleep well and thanked him for being patient with me that night.

He responded that it was too bad because his pump was primed. I smiled at that and said he would have to be primed some other day. And then I got an, “Ok?” And a message that I was indeed in a weird mood.

My response to that was that I was sorry for that and I just meant that I welcomed a future invitation to go over. And then the music got louder and I sent another message cursing it but figuring I wouldn’t get much sleep if I went to his place anyway.

His response to this was, “You had no intention of seeing me tonight…Correct?” And then, “Was it mess with Guy night?”

Ouch. He knows I don’t play. Had I not just spent the night explaining that I was in a weird mood but I didn’t know why? And then thanking him for his patience.

Now I had a fire to put out. I told him it was not “mess with Guy night” and that I did want to see him. That I had been hoping to spend some time with him. I told him that I knew I shouldn’t have been hoping he wanted to see me, but I was. And then I asked him to please not think that I mess with him. That he knows me better than that. I ended with, “I’m working through this as best I can."

Silence.

Not even the dignity of a reply.

Once again, paranoid me was concerned and logical me figured he fell asleep. Who knows? I keep trying to think positively.

The next morning (Monday…yesterday) I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. No…I woke up in the wrong bed. I was immediately bummed that I hadn’t woken up with Guy. I really wished I had just gone over there.

Right choice or wrong choice, I should have just gone there. I’m always miserable when I don’t.

So, to test the waters, I sent him a message saying that I missed waking up with him.

No response.

O.k. He’s busy. He had to get to work. He had a million meetings. This is typical. Well, typical if he can’t think of what to say to me. On the days he’s happy with me, I hear back. I get love.

I didn’t want to bug him during the day. Things were clearly unresolved and he obviously didn’t know what to say to me and I didn’t want to start anything while he was at work. That’s just not fair. But I did want to get the ball rolling on getting this resolved. I didn’t want him to feel badly toward me. AND I really really wanted to see him.

Not only was I feeling the need to be with him physically, I really wanted to share some things about my life with him. I had things I wanted to talk about with him. I needed his companionship as well.

I waited until the late afternoon and sent him a message saying I had made him speechless, hadn’t I?

His response was that he was afraid to engage in a conversation with me because he didn’t know which me he was going to get. And a sad face.

This hit me hard. It made me sound bipolar. It made me sound like the crazy ex-girlfriend I didn’t want to be. It made me very very sad to think I had made him not want to talk to me. The only response I could muster was a sad face with a tear.

And then I lost it all the way home. And more at home. I had made him not want to talk to me. Good job, Sheila. Way to be insane.

I had nothing to say to him for a long time. I didn’t know how to respond. Anything I came up with only made me sound like I was protesting too much. It felt like no matter what I said to him, I would sound crazy. So I stayed quiet. Even though I really wanted to see him and get this straightened out.

Finally, after not hearing anything from him, and as a way of just getting some closure (I mean, if I sound crazy to him and he has made me act crazy, perhaps this should just all be over), I sent a message saying that I wasn’t crazy but that I was hurting. That I was trying to balance being with him and protecting myself. That I got scared when he hadn’t shown interest on Sunday and I just shouldn’t have expressed it. Then I told him I didn’t want him to think I was nuts.

And that was it. That’s all I wanted to say. I wanted him to know I wasn’t crazy ex-girlfriend.

He actually replied right away that he didn’t say I was nuts. That he couldn’t understand where I was coming from on Sunday and that he hadn’t had the energy for it today.

Kind of ouchie. After all the patience I’ve had for him, he doesn’t have patience for me.

Because my first impression from his message was that he wanted to be left alone, I responded with, "O.k. I hear you."

And then I planned to leave him alone. If he didn’t have the energy…fine. I didn’t want to seem crazy anyway and it was starting to feel like he was driving me in that direction.

Unfortunately, I also still really wanted to see him. I still had things to share. I still missed being with him. I still wanted to wake up with him on Tuesday morning.

Why must I feel so many competing things all at once?

The other thing I wanted to do was admit that I had been wrong not to accept his invitation the night before. I thought this would make him feel better. He would get to be right. And he would know that I wanted to see him. So I sent him a message that I had made a mistake not going over and that I woke up frustrated with myself that I wasn’t with him.

He was still geared for a fight because his response was that I had frustrated and irritated him the night before. That he had wanted to see me but I had wanted to play games.

More ouch. It really hurts that he thinks I play games. And it completely sucks that he still hasn’t understood a word I’ve said. I didn’t want to go over all of this again, but I felt I had to defend myself.

So, I replied that I wasn’t playing games. I reiterated that he hadn’t said anything all day Sunday about wanting to see me and that took me by surprise. I told him that I wasn’t sure what game he thought I was playing but that I was sorry I had made him feel that way. And that I was sorry he would think I would do that.

No reply.

And finally I texted that I hadn’t been trying to throw us into another valley but that I was trying to start a conversation to see if he wanted to see me without going out on a limb and asking the potentially embarrassing question of whether or not he wanted to see me outright. That obviously it had gone wrong somewhere.

He never responded.

He has not had enough respect for me to even respond. Not even enough to tell me he doesn’t know what to say to me so he’s going to be quiet.

The thing is, I don’t have anything more to say to him either. If he can’t respond, I’m done trying. If this is how it ends, o.k. I’m ready. It makes things icky and awkward because there are unresolved issues, but I’m not going to chase him.

This is the problem with an undefined relationship. When this crap happens, there’s no reason to get it resolved. It used to be that when we would fall into these miscommunication traps, I would just finally demand that we talk and we would work it out and be closer for it. Now…what’s the point? Why work it out to just be broken up? I hate having unresolved issues with people I care about, but he’s not going to let me come talk this one out, so I’m not even going to try.

Besides, I’ve got OkCupid to distract me. It’s amazing, but I haven’t felt the need to text him all day. Usually, by now, I’m planning my strategy and thinking about what the right thing to say would be. Today…not so much. It’s refreshing.

Coincidentally, I can remember being at this place a month ago. I remember that first Friday night when I found out how nice it was not to be worried about whether or not I was doing the right thing all the time. I was ready to get on with my life. Hours after I expressed that on this blog, Guy was texting me saying he wanted to invite me over. And that was how I got dragged back in. That’s where all of this went awry. That is what has led to the crazy.

And that makes me blame him.

But I still love him.

And I do wonder if I’ll ever hear from him.