S: The Talk Update

I did it. Well...we did it. We had the talk.

The jury is still out on how it went. The worst didn't happen. The best didn't happen. I certainly didn't leave there on top of the world. Or any less confused.

Sunday evening, while we were both still mid-workout, Guy texted asking if I had eaten yet. I hadn't so I let him know that I was finishing up my workout and would then be hungry.

Yay...an opportunity to get to his place and hopefully talk.

Unfortunately, from earlier messages, I knew that he was already frustrated about it raining when he was in the middle of staining his deck. So, I had my work cut out for me. Did I really want to bring up something like this when he's already ticked off? And he mentioned having some beer to deal with the ticked-offedness. Did I really want to have this conversation with someone who's been having angry beers?

But there would always been an excuse, right?

We debated the topic of dinner until he finally decided to make us some pasta while I headed his way (I do like it when he cooks for me). As a surprise, I stopped on the way to grab a movie he had been wanting to see. It was something silly that I thought would lighten up the evening for him.

When I got there, he didn't seem too upset. He was still frustrated about the stain, but certainly wasn't throwing any of it in my direction. We talked about it and that got it off his chest a little bit. He was happy about the movie and thought I was cute for bringing it.

We had our pasta and started watching the movie. He relaxed. When we were done eating we sat close on the couch and then he laid down and put his head in my lap.

So damn cute.

He started falling asleep. Crap. How can I bring up a serious conversation when he's falling asleep? And when he's so cute and snuggly and right there on my lap. Urgh.

And, furthermore, how can he be so cute and snuggly and right there on my lap and not just want to be with me? If I could shake him I would.

The movie ended, but we were comfortable where we were, so he switched to the TV and we just stayed put. And then I was falling asleep. Unable to break the sweetness with my need to know whether or not I should be moving on with my life.

Finally, he asked if I wanted to stay because he wanted to go to bed. I couldn't answer. This was the moment. If I didn't stay I would have to explain. He asked what was wrong. I told him I was hoping we could have a conversation but I didn't want to bring anything up because he was so tired and falling asleep. He wanted to know what I wanted to have a conversation about.

I told him we needed to talk about where we were in all of this because I am confused about what I should be doing and if I should be moving on. He asked if this was the "shit or get off the pot" conversation. I said it was and he woke himself up so we could talk.

I let him know that I felt like we were both confused and that, while I didn't want to move on, if I needed to, then I needed to know that so I could. I said that I felt like I was in limbo because it seems like he doesn't want me to move on, yet we're not together. I could tell I had blindsided him because he didn't have much to say.

Because I didn't think pressuring him into making a decision on the spot was going to be helpful, I had hatched a little plan to give him the gift of time. I told him I didn't want to pressure him and laid out what I had in mind.

My plan was to take a couple of weeks to stop and think. No worrying about anybody moving on and no bedtime fun to add to the confusion. We can still talk, text and hangout, but no sex. With each other or anyone else. In that couple of weeks, we think about what we want so we can decide how to move forward.

He agreed to this, but only because it was what I wanted to do. I'm not sure why he would make a concession, since we're broken up and he can just tell me to go away, but he conceded. I asked if he had a better idea but he didn't. He did say that we shouldn't hang out if we couldn't have sex and I told him it was perfectly fine for him to set boundaries as well. So, no hanging out.

We decided we would take some time and space and schedule a date for a couple of weeks in the future to get together and talk about the status of our relationship. But I still wasn't sure he got it. In fact, at some point, he said it was like being married and I was withholding sex to get what I wanted.

Hello? I'm withholding sex because you broke up with me. At this point, my status is the same as every other female on the planet. Are they all withholding sex to get you to be their boyfriend?

I tried to make him understand that this wasn't the same, but he had been taken by surprise and was reacting to not being prepared. Meaning he was just going to be dense and think what he thinks no matter what I say.

Then he asked if I wanted to stay and cuddle. I did want to. We had been so cozy on the couch that I wanted to keep that going. And, I got the feeling we weren't really done with our conversation and I wanted stay and try to get more out of him. But I had to remind him and make sure he understood that that's all it would be. He agreed. (Ladies? We know how this goes.)

So we climbed in bed and the coercing began. He tried. And tried. And tried. But I wouldn't allow it. I had already drawn the line. Now, if I have sex with him, it will seem wrong, even if it hasn't before, because I've said we shouldn't.

We talked a little more. At some point he mentioned again that if it was just sex to him he would get what he wanted and leave. I agreed with him that it's clear when we are together that he cares about me, but reiterated that it's confusing that he cares about me enough to sleep with me, but not enough to risk a relationship with me. He saw my point. And his response indicated that maybe he did care enough to be in a relationship.

???

Finally, we fell asleep.

And then it was morning. Time for more coercion. Still I refused. And then I decided I better leave, talk or no talk. He asked if I was going and I said I didn't want to make him mad. He said he was already mad because I was using sex to get what I wanted as if we were married. Again, I tried to make him see that that was not at all the same as what was going on here.

More talking. Mostly me. He was very quiet. We snuggled a bit more. And then more coercion. Aggressive coercion this time. Very un-Guy-like behavior. And not pleasant at all. I made him stop and got up to leave. He rolled over, angry and frustrated.

I told him that, try as I might, I could not be o.k. with sex outside of a relationship. That, as much as I want to keep him close to me, I can't make it o.k. in my mind. And, that I didn't want him to be o.k. with it either. It's not who I am and it's not who he is.

Silence.

He got up to get ready to go to something he had scheduled that morning. I wondered if he was just going to let my words hang in the air without a response. Apparently he was.

So I said we should keep the lines of communication open and figure out when to get together to talk about us. He agreed. I followed him to the kitchen and got ready to leave. I waited by the door and he came over and gave me a hug. He tried to make it brief and friendly, but I held on.

And then I wished him a good day and left.

I'm not sure how I felt. I was glad I had stayed, because we did talk some more and I got to make my points. And I think he heard what I was saying. AND I got to prove that I meant what I said about not having sex. But I was so frustrated with him and his behavior. How could he not just respect my wishes? And yet, it's because he's attracted to me and cares about me, which is what I want, right? But I also want him to love and respect me and be in a relationship with me. He seems to want that too most of the time. Again, there are two Guys I seem to be dealing with. One of them thinks with his boy parts too much.

I wasn't sure how he was feeling either. I knew he was frustrated, but I wondered if he would feel ashamed or embarrassed. I wondered if he was sorry, or just mad. Perhaps, at this point, if I remind him of being married, then he'll just want me to move on now instead of waiting.


See? More confusion. Even without the sex, the sex still got in the way. But we're on the road to decision time. Soon enough I will know what I have to do. In the meantime, I still have some hope.

Really I have hope for several things. I have hope that Guy and I can find a way to be together. But, if not, I have hope that I can find someone else who makes me feel as good as, if not better, than Guy did.

I suppose that's actually just hope for one thing. I hope I get to be one of those people who finds someone they can be with until the clock stops ticking. It's a long shot...but it could happen.