J: Smitten

I seem to have it bad.

Every time my phone rings….every time I get a text…every time I see a new IM pop up at work, I’m hoping it’s Mr. September.

Monday was really rough. I didn’t hear from him even once. Not through any method of communication.

But the thing is, we had already made plans for lunch the next day. There was not a need to be in touch. But I had a want for that contact. I don’t feel like I can (or should) chase him at this point in our relationship. I need to let him pursue me but it is truly, truly a difficult thing to refrain from contacting him. And, since there wasn’t anything from his end, when I, personally, wanted that contact so badly, I started assuming the worst.

Why? Who knows. Maybe because I’m crazy.

But, maybe it’s because this period in a brand new, blossoming relationship feels so very fragile. It still feels like with any wrong move, he could call the whole thing off. And I sure don’t want that!

Granted, there’s nothing (absolutely NOTHING) that would lead me to (logically) believe that he would do such a thing. But sometimes logic isn’t always present in my brain, when it comes to guys. And really, it’s been so very long since I found anyone worthy of this kind of attention or this kind of ‘like’. I don’t want anything to mess it up.

So, to keep me sane, let’s do a little exercise. Here’s examples of the ways he seems just as into me as I am into him:

· He wants to spend time with me! I see this in all of his efforts to squeeze in as much together time as possible around each of our trips. He completely rearranged his work schedule for today to spend a long lunch with me before my trip. And then at lunch, we made plans for Saturday and talked about trying to find some time on Friday as well. (And it still doesn’t feel like enough???)

· He wants to spend QUALITY time with me. Our original plan for lunch was a noisy (but yummy) spot where you wait in line, get your food, sit down, eat & rush out. On the morning we were supposed to get together, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere quieter where we could relax and talk instead of feeling rushed and having to yell to be heard.

· He chooses to spend time with me, even when he doesn’t feel great! Apparently, Saturday was the start of him feeling lousy...his headache & exhaustion must have been more than just sun exposure. Because, since then, he’s been feeling more and more flu-like and has been struggling to get past it. I had no clue! He said that he actually had thought about cancelling lunch since he felt so yuck but that he wanted to see me. (BTW…I would have been completely devastated, if he had cancelled! Who knows the crazy spirals of obsession I would have tumbled into if he had bailed!) Anyhoo…despite feeling like poo, he still came out for lunch and still hung out after lunch with me for another half-hour or so until I had to run to catch my flight.

· He thinks about my health & well being above his own hormones. This one sucks because it meant that he didn’t kiss me before I flew off on my work trip. Not in greeting, not to say goodbye. Although he did tell me that he wanted to. [Goofy, cheesy grin] Still, though, he didn’t want to get me sick (even though I obviously got Saturday germs and didn’t get sick from those!) ;) He prioritized keeping me healthy during my meetings and on the plane above what could have been a very pleasant make-out session.

· He’s talked about the future...with me! And noooo…I don’t mean the “let’s get married and have babies” future. I’m talking about more of a month-to-month future. E.g.: He’s told me that I’ll be less white by the end of summer from all of my days on the lake. (Implying that I’ll be out there with him on his boat!) We’ve talked about movies we want to see together, restaurants we want to try, things we want to do together, and general around-town stuff we want to experience with each other. It feels like we have more plans already made than time to actually do those plans. And now, I just hope we get to keep all of those plans.

Okay, so what next?

I have several unread OKCupid messages sitting in my inbox, with no desire whatsoever to see what they have to say. I’ve been texted by the Roller-Skating-Potential-September, asking about my plans for the weekend, obviously angling to get something set up. No desire there, either, to respond. And I won’t even go into my recent interactions with Mr. May. (The poor, poor boy is so confused that I’m brushing off his invitations and I couldn’t care less from my happy little perch up here on my own personal fluffy Cloud 9).

Mr. September and I spoke on the phone for the first time just a week ago, Tuesday and went out for the first time a week ago today. What a difference a week makes!

I’m not naming kids. I’m not planning our wedding. I’m not even doodling our initials, intertwined. (I swear!!!) But from everything I’ve seen from him this far, I want to move forward. I know the value of taking it slow but I WANT to speed forward. I want him to know how I feel. I want confirmation in words that he actually feels about me the way that I think he does.

Is it wrong to want to tell him that I don’t want anyone else? Is it wrong to want that DTR (Define the Relationship) conversation? Is it wrong to feel that way already?

I think…I think…

I think I want him to be my 'boyfriend'.

Yep. I'm a little bit crazy!