S: I Had a Feeling

I had a date yesterday and guess who randomly emerged from the woodwork.

You got it.

Guy.

I haven't seen him in two weeks and haven't communicated with him since the exchange of a couple of "our football team sucks" texts last Saturday night. I've been laying low waiting to see if he'll reach out to me. I needed space. He needed space. Whatever we have left between us needed room to breathe.

I've been very strong. Every time I wanted to reach out and share something with him, I resisted. Which was rather difficult. But I wanted that feeling of having him be the one who could no longer stand the silence. I wanted him to miss my brand of sunshine in his life. I kept telling myself it would feel really good to hear from him without prompting it.

And...it...did.

But not quite as much as I thought it would.

I was at an event last night and as it was finishing up, I happened to check my phone because I had exchanged a few messages with Mr. October. When I glanced at it I saw two new texts. One from Mr. October and one from Guy.

This was completely unexpected. Well...not *completely*. I had a strong feeling all day that I might hear from him. And, somehow, I almost always know what's going through his head.

His message was casual, just inquiring about the event, which he saw in one of my Facebook updates. Proving that he is curious enough to check up on me through Facebook. (I, however, have had to block his updates. I can't stand seeing him in pictures at events he should be taking me to. And I fear seeing him with someone new.)

We spent the rest of the night texting back and forth. Not always in the most innocent of ways. BUT, I did not go over. I didn't want to. Right now I'm feeling like the only thing that will get me over there are the words "I miss you. Can we talk?"

I've just made too much progress moving on in the last two weeks. Being with him just makes it harder to forget what it's like being with him and loving him. Absence is helping the heart grow fungus (that and me REALLY talking myself out of him). If I go over there now, it'll be August again.

I think hitting the two month mark made some things clear. I should be way more past this and I'm not. Because I keep being a part of it.

He reached out because he misses me. I know that. But he also reached out because he hasn't had his needs met for a couple of weeks. I'm not sure which is the stronger urge for him. The urge to have me in his life or the urge to have me in his bed. I wish it were the former, but I fear it is the latter.

I have the same urges, but I want life over bed.

I still really want to hear those words.

That's getting in the way of FWB.

We're still sending messages today. He's clearly still having urges. Fortunately I have plans tonight and tomorrow night, so giving in to him will be nearly impossible. It's difficult because his urges give me urges, but the lack of him in my life still remains and I can't forget how far I've come.

I want him to want the whole package and all its contents. Not just the box to play with.