S: Mr. October...IDK

There were messages. There were texts. There were arrangements.

There was lunch.

Oh, Mr. October, please don’t be so into me. I’m not ready for that. I can’t deal with that. I don’t deserve that.

I’m not available for that.

First off, the verdict is in. Mr. October is not a player. I had wondered from the shear quantity and kindness of his compliments if he was just feeding me lines. Sounding cute and flattering me so I would feel good and get easy.

It’s obvious, judging by how sweet and nervous and genuine he was at lunch, that he is not playing.

He’s serious.

Too serious.

A player would have been easier to handle. A player would be prepared for rejection.

I showed up at the restaurant right on time. I actually had to drive around a bit so I didn’t show up early because I was rather concerned about being late. There was a car in the lot that matched his description of his vehicle, so I assumed it was him. The windows were tinted so I couldn’t tell if he was in the car or in the restaurant.

I got out of my car and walked toward his. He got out. He was cute, but not quite what I was expecting from his pics. This seems to be a trend with me. I must have some sort of weird picture handicap.

He, being amazingly kind, told me I was even more beautiful in person. This was very flattering. But made me feel bad because I was thinking not the same of him. Not that he wasn’t a good looking fellow, but not better than I was expecting.

Also, he brought me a single red rose. Which was so sweet. But felt like too much. It made it feel like this date was a really big deal to him. That he was so appreciative that I would have lunch with him that he had to bring me something as an offering.

I love getting flowers. I really do. But this didn’t feel as good as it should have. I don’t want to be that special to him.

We both went for the hug. I wasn’t sure how the first interaction was going to go down, but a hug seemed appropriate after our digital exchanges. It felt like we knew each other already. The hug wasn’t weird or awkward, but didn’t set off any sparks or Brady Bunch rockets.

We went into a very empty restaurant and sat down for our first date.

The one thing about this date that stands out the most in my mind was that Mr. October was very quiet. It felt like he just sat there and stared at me for most of lunch. Maybe this should be flattering. As though he were so enamored by me that he couldn’t do anything *but* stare. But really it just felt like a lot of pressure. Like I was in the spotlight having to put on a show.

I’m buying you lunch, entertain me.

Usually I’m not the kind of person who feels the need to fill every silence, but on a first date, silences are awkward. Especially when there is not another soul in the restaurant. There’s just too much room for your mind to wander and for you to make yourself anxious about how badly it’s going. Even if it really isn’t going badly.

Plus, I like the conversation to flow. I like to have one of those talks where everything leads to the next topic or you just keep finding out you have random things in common which sparks further conversation. We had a little of that, but it still felt like work. There was a lot of “O.k…what do we talk about next?”

And, it was lunch. I get hungry. Sometimes I want to stop talking and actually eat. I would ask him questions hoping to get him talking so I could mow down on my plate full of food, but then he would answer briefly and we’d chew in silence. Then it was back to me. Afterward I felt really bad for monopolizing the conversation. I really do prefer to focus on the other person and not be Talky Talkerson. Maybe he’s the same way and he just won this time.

In general, he came off as a very gentle, sweet, polite guy. He was a complete gentleman to me. When I got my salad but told him I refused to eat because he didn’t yet have any food, he proceeded to snack on a breadstick so I would feel comfortable eating. Even though he had a giant sandwich coming that he had already said he wouldn’t be able to finish because it was so huge.

And he was nice to the server, which I like. But, almost too nice, like a pushover. I can’t tell if this is because the day before I made a comment in a text that I would only be disappointed if he turned out to be a jerk and one of the signs of a jerk in the midst is someone who is not nice to the server. So I’m not sure if he was trying to be careful in that regard. I’m all for being polite and saying thank you and listening and not blowing the server off, but I also don’t think you have to be apologetic about being served. And if she forgets to bring something you asked for, by all means, ask her to bring it. Just be nice about it.

I had to text him later and tell him I won’t think he’s a jerk if he asks the server to bring cream and sugar for his coffee if she forgets. He was impressed that I even noticed and then said he didn’t mind not having it because my company was sweet enough.

See what I mean? So nice. But it feels too nice. What am I supposed to do with that? This constant flow of compliments makes me feel like he’s just way too into me. That he’s trying very hard to woo me because he’s so serious about this going somewhere.

I’m not ready for that.

Other signs he may be way too into me and serious about this:

• He did indeed pull his profile off of the dating site. As in, no more wanting to meet anyone. No more looking for a date. Found. Eeek. Please still want to date other people, Mr. October.
• He actually mentioned in conversation that he felt like his kids needed a feminine influence in their lives. Eeek. Don’t tell me you’re looking for someone for the kids. I can’t be that for you.
• When he asked what made me move here and I went through the whole I-moved-here-for-a-guy-but-now-that’s-over story (which I hate having to tell on a first date), he said that he was very glad that I was here. Which he had also said during a previous text conversation when he asked if I was from here. Eeek. Please don’t be that happy that I’m here. I mean, who cares? Not ever meeting me would have been o.k. too.
• And the staring. Oh, the staring. It seriously felt like he couldn’t believe we were there having lunch together. Eeek. Believe it. It’s just lunch. It’s just me.

I feel bad because all of these things are very sweet and I should probably be more receptive to them. In fact, if they were coming from a certain someone else, I probably would be. But coming from someone I barely know, who I’m not sure I have much interest in, at a time when I don’t want to get myself involved in something big, these things are very scary and make me nervous.

Saying farewell to Mr. October is going to be tough. It seems like he doesn’t do this very often and he could be easily damaged. At some point he told me this was the first time he had ever gone on a date with someone he had never met before. He’s not out there doing this thing. I don’t think he’s got that thick skin you get when you’re dating that makes the rejection part not such a big deal. When you’re dating people, you don’t allow yourself to get this into someone this early in the process. You hold back for a bit while you see how things are going to go.

I really wish he’d hold back. Because I don’t feel a strong connection with him. He just now called me on the phone and it felt like we didn’t have much to say to each other. But, he’s a good guy and he deserves a second date. Things are awkward when you first meet someone. Sometimes it takes a while to get on common ground.

So, at the end of our lunch, when we discussed a second date for what is now this week, I was amenable. Maybe he’ll be more comfortable now that we’ve met. Maybe doing something other than sitting and staring at each other over a table and some breadsticks will make things less awkward. Maybe I’ll feel a connection.

Maybe.

My Spidey Sense tells me that I need to be prepared for an invitation to a third date and have a response ready. Although, before I see how things go on our second date, I have no idea what that response will be. But I’m guessing that at some point we’ll have to chat over coffee about how I’m not in the right place for the kind of relationship he has in mind.

And then I’ll wait to see what November brings.