S: OkStupid

Well, if nothing else, I certainly feel like I’m getting a lot of good material out of my online dating experience thus far. At this point, I think OkCupid is not the right name for this site. I’m calling it OkStupid.

First of all, it has become obvious that I already know all of the single guys in my city. I just keep finding more and more people I have either met or know through our healthy local social media network. This frightens me. I think I was dumped by the last decent single guy in town I hadn’t already met. Dammit.

So, basically, from what I can tell, this really is just like being at a bar without having to put on pants and leave the house. (That’s a plus…pants are lame.) Same characters. Same lines. Same need to chew off one’s leg and escape as soon as possible.

I’m not sure why I took the time to get all judgey and fill out the detailed mate criteria survey. I’m not a fan of categorizing who I’d like to be with in the first place, but figure that’s what this kind of social experiment is for. I mean, in a bar, you can’t just hold up a sign indicating who should and should not approach you.

Except, in spite of this, I keep getting messages from men who do not fit my selected criteria at all. Hi, you live in Arkansas. Why would I be remotely interested in you? Umm…you’re 50 and appear to weigh about 367 pounds. Really? Do you want me to reject you that badly? Read the profile. Understand.

And furthermore, what part of my cleverly written profile makes you think that sending me a message consisting of just (read with your best dumb puppy voice) “YOU’RE PRETTY” will be at all interesting to me? Try harder or don’t be offended when you don’t get anything back.

One (rather hot) guy, who I had not ever communicated with, sent me his phone number and suggested I come to his house and watch TV and he would play with my kitty. Subtle. I wonder what he had in mind. Do I seem that easy in my profile? Perhaps I should add “Things I’m not good at: Hooking up.” Actually, I suppose I should have gone over and gotten my monthly date out of the way. (Couldn’t even type that with a straight face.)

One guy who lives a couple hours away seemed fun at first but now has the stink of desperation. Long messages. Deep questions. Really crushy. Always trying to chat. BAH! Back off! It has now become clear that I’m going to have to blow him off. He’s getting way too into this. Unfortunately, since we’re not at a bar, I can’t do this by just getting up and escaping to the ladies’ room. I hate being rude, but he’s the kind who won’t go away if you’re not mean. “So you’re saying there’s a chance.”

One guy seemed interesting, mature and fun at first but then immediately started talking about my ass. Which apparently he has already imagined. An image I’m sure I could never live up to. And since when is it ok to discuss a complete stranger’s ass with her?! Call me old fashioned but(t) no thanks.

One guy was clearly very proud of the size of his genitalia. His cock has been blocked.

Mostly I now have a whole new inbox to keep up with. Every day I have a brand new pile of guys to reject. I don’t know if I should ignore them, or be nice and say something. If I ignore them, I’m a bitch. But if I respond, it only encourages them. For now, I ignore most of them and answer anyone who seems to have half a brain because I just can’t keep up with all the random pick-up lines and scary profiles.

At least at the bar, I can just leave. “Uh oh, I think I hear my mom calling me. Gotta go.”

Coincidentally, what you don’t learn in a bar is how bad most of these guys are at communicating with the written word.

MEN OF THE WORLD: YOUR is possessive…YOU’RE is a contraction of YOU ARE.

My updated profile shall specify this.

I wish you could see some of the messages I get and some of the profiles I come across. It’s an interesting pastime really. I encourage you to sign up, whether or not you are looking for someone to hang out with, just so you can experience what I’m experiencing. It’s good for a giggle.

And I can’t wait until this challenge is over and I can remove myself from the meat case.

Ugh.