J: Yours, Mine, Ours

I don’t know how to do this.

I have lots of practice with dating but very little practice with actual relationships.

Okay… yeah…I was married for five years… but that was seven years ago! I’ve been single much longer than I was ever married. Besides, don’t they say, that in 7 years the body completely regenerates itself? That your cells remake themselves completely after 7 years? Seven years is a long long time.

In this relationship, (because, yes, I am giving us that 'relationship' label) I’m just not sure exactly how to just be.

I freak out on Monday morning after spending the entire weekend with him, when I look back and think that it might have been a little bit too much. But during the weekend I don’t want to be anywhere else…I can’t imagine being anywhere else.

There’s “Yours”. There’s “Mine”. And there’s “Ours”.

I had the “mine” figured out. I was happy and completely comfortable with the “mine”. I liked the “mine.” But at this point, I’d much, much rather have the “ours”. And it scares me that I would even consider that as a choice.

I know that the “yours” is important too. I know that I can’t crowd or smother or take away too much of the “yours” but…really…I just want more and more of that delicious “ours” and I want him to want it too.

How much of the “yours” can I claim and how much of the “mine” can I give up before we both lose that something that makes the “ours” so magical?

Can I tell him how I’m feeling about this without ending up sounding desperately needy?

Can I even allow myself to be vulnerable enough with him to admit that I’m feeling just a little bit lost and freaked out about all of this?

He’s the one who brought up the “we need to slow down” discussion. Buuuuuut, he’s the one calling me his ‘girlfriend’. He’s the one talking about Christmas. He’s the one who offered me a DRAWER in his bedroom this weekend.

Help! What do I do? Let it ride? Keep doing what I’m doing? Stifle my crazy a little bit longer? Not let on that this whole thing is making me a bit nutzo?

Or…can I open that crazy box lid just a little? Can I trust him with this discussion? Would sharing THIS be “too fast”? Is THIS expecting too much too quickly?

Errrrgggg…single is easy. Dating is hard. Relationships...whew...relationships seem impossibly challenging right now.