E: Seeking Mr. October?

Long time, no talk! For those of you who forgot who I am (and I don't blame you), I'm Elle, the one who fell in love with April Date #3 back in, well, April. My reasons for choosing not to blog the relationship were two-fold: 1) I wanted to keep the details of our relationship private, and 2) If he knew I was blogging about us, chances are he would feel compelled to find the blog and read it. He specializes in internet stuff and I especially didn't want him reading all of my dating escapades. I mean, I have some juicy stories on here (remember the pilot?) and last thing I needed was April #3 reading about some of my minor, uh, indiscretions.

I'm sure by the title of my blog you are now thinking, not you too! After the decline of my fembud Sheila's relationship at the five - six month mark, and now the decline of mine, ON the five-month anniversary, no less. (Which means, Jane, you have all of four months and 1 week left with Mr. September....enjoy!) ha ha. No, not really. I'm sure this is all a coincidence. Or is it? Do men get weird this far into a relationship? Has the newness and fun worn off at this point? Have I gotten too comfortable in my black workout pants, gray t-shirt and ponytail? But isn't this the place we all long to be at in a relationship....that phase where you don't have to constantly try to impress, and it's ok to go out to breakfast on Saturday morning without makeup, and it's ok to skip a day of shaving those legs? Hmmmm, questions to ponder.

The last 5 months with April #3 have been a whirlwind. In addition to my beloved dog dying, I moved and somewhat remodeled a new home. And watched money run out of my wallet like water. I don't do well living in chaos. It stresses me out. In addition to all of this, April #3 had his own stresses of being a full-time student, working full time plus some OT at his job, which he hates, and having had a painful operation that he spent 2+ weeks recovering from at my house. Add into the mix the fact that he works 2nd shift, 3 - 11:30, at a job over half hour away from me. Literally we would only see each other on the weekends, and that was if he didn't have to work on Saturday or I didn't have other plans, like shopping sprees with friends and such. The cards were stacked against us from the start.

Yet, somehow, we were able to develop this amazing connection that I had always thought was unbreakable. This magnetism-type thing is a rare find, at least for me. You can't go out to the clubs and seek it. You can't buy it. And you can't make this shit up. It's either there or it isn't.

Problem for us, was the mounting stresses caused us to act and react in ways that we do not normally. And we are both extremely stubborn. Communication broke down and he walked out. He wanted out. He couldn't handle the pressure anymore.

That was almost 2 weeks ago. But last weekend, after a week of extreme heartache for me, and setting my mind to the fact that we were over and I needed to move forward, he contacted me. Apparently that week for him was not only extreme heartache, but also self-reflection, and realizing that he was a turd, and that he never wanted this break up to happen, and that he loves me like there is no tomorrow and can't imagine his life without me in it. He explained that he tried to forget about me, but basically that it was impossible because "I had him at hello" and apparently still do.

So the decision is mine. I have the power in the relationship to call the shots. I do love him deeply and feel a connection with him that is like no other. But I don't trust him with my heart. He left me. At a time in our relationship when we needed communication the most, he chose to go out with his friends instead and not face the conversation.

He wants another chance. He wants to prove to me that I can trust him. And that our relationship is meant to be. He pointed out that we skipped a crucial step in our young relationship. We fell in love so fast, but never got the chance to date in a "normal" circumstance. A dating relationship where I do my own thing on Saturday and lay out by the pool, and he shows up that evening smelling nice with hair spiked (he has great hair for a 39-year old) and picks me up and takes me out for a night of fun on the town. Where we can just enjoy each others company, and give our relationship some roots. We skipped the fun step, because the chaos and stress got in the way.

Roots are good. Roots are what a relationship needs to weather the trials. We didn't have any built yet. And the wind blew us away.

Where does that leave us today? That leaves us with a date on Sunday. And I look forward to him showing up and smelling good with that cute spiky hair thing going on. I'm going to roll with it and see what happens.

Which brings me to the title of my blog. At this point in time, first day of October, I am not sure if I need to find a Mr. October or not. It's difficult to be in transition like this, but is also somewhat reassuring to know that by the end of October I will have answered the question for myself. Either I will be back with April #3, or I will have got back on Match and found a Mr. October! I know you, you're hoping I do. Just so I can once again share crazy-ass stories with you about some guy I met who lives with his mom and writes poetry in his basement and plays the tuba. Well that remains to be seen.