S: Friend Perspective

The following came from the friend of mine who introduced me to Guy in response to 1. What is going on (I think he was just catching up with my posts) and 2. My activities last night.

Begin quoted (with permission) message:

WTF? Ignore the next paragraph [edited out] if you don't want to be harangued with my overly officious meddling.

If that is the whole story and you are still sleeping with him, you are setting a bad example for ME. I realize it is fun, but jesus get a grip. I think you two would be great together, but "I'll hit you up for a booty call even though I don't think what we are doing is acceptable" or "you're fun to nail, but I wouldn't want to date you" are not healthy lead-ins to a long term relationship, or even for not becoming a cutter. You can't leverage sex to cause him to rethink his version of morality. I don't want to live your life for you, but I think you are far too great to relegate yourself to being a hollaback girl. [Guy] needs to grow up. I think he has it in him. You agreeing to sleep with him under a friends with benefits relationship is certainly not going to increase his maturity and/or your respect for the fantastic person you are.

These were good words to hear and have helped me keep my perspective today.

I don't intend to maintain any kind of FWB relationship with Guy. I know how I am and I know how bad that would be for me. And I don't feel like a hollaback girl (although it does seem as though I was) because I was having my needs met as much as he was. I knew the score. I knew I wasn't going to change anything with my actions. I'm not leveraging the sex to make him see things differently. I do know better than that. I know what nonsense it is for him to break up with me because our relationship is a bad example to his son but then continue to be physical outside of ANY kind of commitment.

But beyond that, my friend is right, if Guy is going come to any kind of realization, it's not going to be while he's getting the milk for free. We all know I'm not holding out hope or stopping my life to wait for any realizations, but perhaps I should think twice before I become the deterrent to any realizations.

The thing I also needed to hear was that this kind of behavior is cause for a loss of respect. The respect of my friends, Guy and myself. This is helpful to keep in mind when trying to stay strong and move on.

It's good to have friends who have your back and who will tell it like it is. Jane had her misgivings but promised no "I told you so"s. And this friend straight up called me out. Both reactions were honest and appropriate. And very much appreciated.

S: So Bad, But So Good

Please don't be ashamed of me, but I did a very naughty thing.

I went over to Guy's last night for an ill-advised Break-Up Booty Call (BUBC).

The good news is, I don't regret it. I don't feel badly about it at all. It hasn't given me any hope of getting back together. I never once thought that by going over there I could change his mind. And it gave us a chance to tell each other some of the things that have been on our minds since Thursday.

Oh, and it was VERY satisfying. V-E-R-Y. For both of us. He hasn't stopped telling me yet how appreciative he is.

O.k. so here's what happened...

On Sunday I was suddenly very much in need of some boyfriend-type attention. I was trying very hard to be good and not compromise my recovery.

BUT, I am a master at rationalization so I developed this theory that I have very few opportunities for a BUBC with Guy for the following reasons:

1. From about this point forward, for the sake of my own sanity, I must always assume he has moved on and is with someone. I got very burned by this once before. Assuming things were one way and then finding girl stuff in the bathroom. I was mortified and felt extremely foolish. So, to avoid this playing the fool thing, now that a few days have passed, I must always assume he is with someone new. I know full well he couldn't have moved that quickly (Although, I already have a date scheduled, don't I?), but if I don't assume now, when do I begin assuming? What's the magic date? There isn't one. I have to start now. But, figuring there would be a few safe days, there is a short window of opportunity for a good BUBC.

2. When only a few days into recovery, how far can one BUBC really set me back? I mean, 2 months from now it could send me into a tailspin and put my playing piece back on "Start." But right now? Oh no! I'm back where I was on Friday! Egads! How will I ever recover?! The risk is worth the two days of my life I may have to relive. Believe me, the num-nums are that good.

3. I still haven't forgotten what it's like to be with him. As you know, I have developed this theory that the only way to ever have a physical relationship with anyone else is to forget what it is like with Guy. So, having a BUBC next January will probably be a bad idea, because maybe my memory will have gotten hazy by then. Right now, I still know and I don't intend to get involved with anyone any time soon, so why not?

The next thing I rationalized was that a BUBC would be o.k. for me mentally because I know absolutely, without a doubt that me going over to Guy's for some adult time would not change his mind about the situation. Nor would it give me hope that we would get back together. We aren't going to get back together. So it's o.k. to get my needs met if he's willing. At least for now (see above reasons about the timing of a non-injurious BUBC).

There. Done. It's Sunday night, I'm randy and I'm fully prepared to handle a BUBC. But I couldn't actually ask for it. I knew he would be receptive after Friday's text convo, but I was still trying to behave myself. Plus, I want to keep my distance as best I can because he should miss me. So I held out. Late on Sunday I texted that the whole no sex thing really sucked. But that was it. No request. Just an indication that I missed our fun stuff.

By the time I climbed in bed, I had not heard anything back. At that point, all I really wanted was someone to commiserate with. I wanted him to be going through the same thing I was. I didn't need an invitation, I just needed validation.

When I woke up yesterday, the validation was waiting for me. He had replied a couple of hours later with "Yes it does. I cannot agree more." Good answer. Exactly what I needed to hear.

Since I didn't get the message until morning and it had satisfied my communication need (and, I'm a goof so I wanted to leave it as the message that appeared with his name in my list of texts), I didn't respond. Again, trying to keep my distance. Helpful for moving on and getting past that "I hope it's him" new message ding reaction.

Once again, very late last night, after I was already in bed, here came a message from him. He wanted to know if there was something wrong with the last message he sent. I replied that there wasn't at all anything wrong with it. He said he was surprised I hadn't responded.

Excellent job keeping your distance, Sheila.

I explained that it was because I hadn't seen the message until the next day. And then a conversation started up about how we were both feeling certain urges. Urges that could not be satisfactorily handled on a solo basis. And then I explained to him my BUBC theory and how I have to assume he's seeing someone from now on. Then more chat about urges.

Then he mentioned that after I shot him down on Friday, he hesitates to suggest a BUBC. I told him Friday was not a good day but that I'm not so worried about the effects of a BUBC now. And then more mention of urges. And his adorable, "SO, what are you saying?"

I told him I was heading over to use him for his body and bedroom skills. Which was true.

Wow, did we ever have a good time. I thought it might be weird being with him knowing that he wasn't in love with me, but it wasn't. Everything was urgent and passionate, but also caring and tender and meaningful. It didn't feel like a booty call. It felt like two people helping each other deal with something.

I stayed over, because that's also one of the good parts, but didn't sleep much. I hate to miss out on what limited time I have with him. And it meant round 2 in the morning. Equally as good. And with no tinge of sadness like there was on the morning after we broke up.

This morning, I feel good. I thought I might feel bad about it, you know, like after you eat that very delicious piece of chocolate cake and are then filled with self-loathing for your weakness afterwards. But I didn't. What I found out is that I can think about seeing him and be in the same room with him and leave him without feeling sad. It was refreshing to go over there and not feel an emotional charge.

We had a chance to talk about some things. And I got to hear words that made me feel better. BUT, did not give me false hope. I know he misses me and cares about me, but he didn't say he loved me. So no illusions there.

He asked if I had a date scheduled yet, because of course, he knew I was planning to get back in the game, and I had to tell him about Mr. 21. He found it amusing and had some fun with "I told you so" in reference to me getting hit on by guys. And then later he told me he felt a little threatened by this dude, even though he had no right to. Very satisfying.

I told him that I missed Guy from last Spring who was in love with me. He said he missed him too. That he was happier. He said he was probably losing the best thing he ever had. I told him he still had a choice (by this time I have said numerous times throughout the night that I knew we wouldn't be getting back together). He said he was sure he had burned my affection for him. I disagreed, but then he made reference to my use of the term "booty call." Then there was a long silence and, from him, "Damn divorce."

This, to me, indicated that what is really going on is his lack of faith in the relationship. Any relationship. This trust issue he talks about. He ended it because he's sure that we're going to get elbow deep in it and then I'm going to change my mind and leave him. Destroying him in the process. And putting his son through another loss as well. This is not news to me. It's something he has talked about from the beginning.

I've never known how to combat it. I can't predict the future. And yet, I feel more than willing and able to work through anything that comes along. But I can't answer the "how long until it's over" question because, based on my own experience, I too don't have much faith in forever. I want to though.

But, it doesn't matter. I don't have to combat it now. He ended it. He decided that was the best path to take. I just wish I knew if it was the trust thing that got in the way of the love or if the love is what would help develop the trust.

Anyway, the point of this is that I opened a window of working it out and he didn't go through it. He had a chance to say he wanted to hold on to the "best thing he ever had" and he couldn't. So, that's my sign. No reason to hope for getting back together. The BUBC confirms that. Thank you BUBC.

Oh, and I mentioned to him my concerns about getting over the best sex ever and he told me I was his best too. That made me feel good. I'm glad I got to hear that.

Later, when I'm all messed up over this, you can hit the comment button and say you knew I would regret it and I shouldn't have, but for right now, it seems like it wasn't such a bad thing to have done after all.

S: Letter to Self

Inspired by an episode of How I Met Your Mother (sorry, can't find the clip online, but it was a good one), I wrote my future self a letter with all the reasons why I absolutely do not want to get back together with Guy. I thought this would be a good exercise, and it did help a little.

Then I thought it would be a good idea to post it. That way I would be more likely to hold myself to it, should the need to make a choice arise.

But I don't have the heart to do it. I can't post all the negative things that should make me not want to be with him. Why? Because I still love him. And even if those things were true, and not just angry, bitter over-dramatizations of reality, they aren't deterrents. Because I love him over, through and past them. Every one of the reasons ends with a silent, "But I love him."

Suck.

This is the difference between us right now. He does not feel the same way about me. If he did, a silent "But I love her" would have followed all of his reasons for breaking up with me last Thursday night. It was not there. Which is reason numero uno on my list.

Super suck.

S: Question of the Day...Warning TMI

Stop reading if knowing about other people's sex lives bothers you. This is way TMI, but it's part of what I'm going through and needs to be shared.

The question that has been going through my head, especially now that it's been a few days (if you know what I mean...wink wink, nudge nudge) is how the Hell do you get past the best sex you've ever had?

How do you get past the anxiety that nobody else will ever measure up (wow, sorry for the poor choice of words)? That you will find someone great who turns out to be a dud in bed compared to Mr. Stallion.

This concerns me. I almost don't ever want to sleep with another person because Guy and I were so great together in that department. He always said I was fantastic, but I'm convinced that was because of him. He was amazing.

He always made me feel safe and sexy and capable of satisfying his needs. I had no fear of trying things. I had no self-consciousness. And I had many many many orgasms. He could go and go and go. And always made sure I was well taken care of.

Sure, it took us a little time to figure each other out. I had to learn that his "No" almost always meant "Yes." That I should never leave him unsatisfied, even if he insisted that he was fine. But it didn't take long to hit our stride. We were enough for each other almost immediately. And then, we learned what the other responded to, but never got in a rut. There were the things that always worked and then there were new and different things almost all the time. We both enjoyed finding new ways to get a reaction and we never felt like anything was taboo.

It was the most open and comfortable physical relationship I've ever had. I've always been kind of frightened by my sexuality and that disappeared with him very early on. I never felt ugly or dirty or ashamed. Sex was always about love and respect and making each other feel unbelievably great.

And now it's over. And I don't know if I will ever find his match. I mean, the guy knew what he was doing. I'm terrible at giving instructions and I was lucky that I rarely ever had to make suggestions with him.

How do I find this again? It's not something you can really ask about. It's not something you can identify prior to actually being intimate. What happens if I find someone I really care about and with whom I want to express my feelings physically and after the first time realize that he doesn't satisfy me very well in that way? How evil would it be to have sex once and then walk away because it wasn't very good? Conversely, how awful is it to go through life knowing you can be satisfied, but that the one who can do it doesn't want to be with you?

Maybe it's true that when you're in love with someone the sex is great because it means something on a deeper level. Maybe it's true that you can teach your partner how to satisfy you. Maybe it's true that sex just doesn't matter that much in the long run.

I can only hope.

At this point, my theory is that if I go without sex long enough, I will forget what it was like. So, I just won't sleep with anyone else until I've forgotten what it was like with Guy. This will work in 2 ways. 1. I won't remember how it was, so the next fellow won't have to worry about comparisons. 2. It will have been so long that just about anything will probably satisfy me.

Either way, whoever the next guy is, I hope he's out there practicing right now because the bar has been set pretty high. And fortunately, I'm flexible enough to reach it.

J: Mr Coulda-been August

I was supposed to have my August date this morning.

Last Sunday I wrote to him letting him know that the next Sunday morning (today) would work with my schedule. He said that it would work for him as well and then asked if I could handle waiting a week to meet him. (Yes…he actually said that!) I wrote back, something silly about how it’s been 34 years and I’ve managed this long and I thought I’d probably make it, but it might be tough. I even added a winky face to show that I was joking in response to his completely lame joke. And then asked where/what time he had in mind.

Annnnd….(crickets chirping).

As of late yesterday, I hadn’t heard a word from him. With less than 12 hours before the morning that we were supposed to get together, and no return email…no details regarding meeting time or location, I figured that it wouldn’t be happening.

So, I sent a message saying “Haven’t heard back from you about place or time so I’ll assume that tomorrow doesn’t work for you afterall. Hope you have success in your online quest”.
Not 20 minutes later I got a message back saying “Sorry, I’ve been busy. Call me in the morning and we can work something out.”

Uhhh…no thanks.

So, I didn’t respond until 10:30ish this morning when my response was that since I hadn’t heard from him, I’d made other plans. His response back was “No worries…maybe another time?” (Seriously? “No worries”? Was I the one who needed to apologize?)

I’m not a firm follower of “The Rules” but I do believe that setting up the date at least a little bit ahead of time is a sign of interest…and respect as well.

I wasn’t really looking forward to this date anyways. I am half way through the month but I’m not worrying about it too much. I guess I’ll play it by ear, see how the rest of the month goes and if no other dates turn up, I’ll give this guy another chance. But I’m really, really hoping someone better shows up in the next 15 days. Honestly, I think all along, I've still been pinning a lot of hope on Mr. July's friend...

I’ll just have to get started on the new search for Mr. August. And maybe give Mr. July a call...

S: The Afterlife

Even still riding high on the amusement of being asked out by a 21-year-old last night, I am not in a good frame of mind today.

I miss Guy. A lot. I am having a very difficult time shaking the "maybe now that he's had some time to think he'll realize he loves me and I'm what he wants and call me so we can talk" feeling. Again, I'm not sure there is anything to be done about it but to let time pass. Which is frustrating, because if there were something I could do, I would do it.

It's just so hard when I feel like we should be together. When it seems so wrong to be apart. I keep thinking he should realize that I'm right and we belong together and the rest is just logistics that we can figure out.

I blame the movies. They make us believe in the happy endings. They make us imagine that we'll go through a break-up montage and spend some time apart and then the other person will suddenly realize they were wrong and then run to us as fast as they can to tell us so.

I've been through this before. I know it doesn't happen. I was with someone once who I thought I was going to be with forever. I "knew." (By the way, I have a whole "knowing" rant I need to get out of my head, and you will be the lucky receiver.) He had been love at first sight. We broke up suddenly and randomly one night and it felt very wrong to me. We spent a month apart and then got back together.

Mistake.

We spent another year together and then...bam...there we were breaking up again suddenly and randomly. And for good. It took me years and years to get over him. In fact, there are times when part of me still thinks we will run into each other someday and rekindle...because we are supposed to be together. Despite the fact that he is happily married and living nowhere near me.

Anyway, we obviously weren't meant to be together. (Even though I "knew.") And nobody realized anything and came running. We didn't end up together after all. There wasn't a Hollywood ending. There never is.

What's happening to me now feels very familiar. I'm feeling the same feelings for Guy right now that I felt for Mr. The First back then. So history dictates that we will not end up together. And we shouldn't even try. So why can't I shake this feeling? Why can't I stop hoping for him to call? Why can't I just move on? Why does this have to make me so damn sad?

And, most of all, why did I let myself get involved when I knew better in the first place?

S: August Date...Check!

Ok, I really have no idea how I do it. But it feels good. I'm not going to deny that.

I just made a date for next week. Which covers my August obligation (as soon as I pay my "buy back in" money to the piggy bank).

Here's the fun part...not only did I arrange a date a mere 2 days after being set free by Guy (who was afraid of wasting any more of my time), the date is with a 21-year-old.

That's right, your eyes do not deceive you. I have a date with someone, count 'em, 14 years my junior. This beats the age record set by the guy I spent a year with who was 11 years younger than I. He just turned 24 and is old meat compared to Mr. August.

This just makes me laugh.

I couldn't convince him that I wasn't lying about my age. I finally had to show him my ID, and even then he couldn't believe it. He said I was very hot. He wasn't so bad himself. All young and in fantastic shape.

This is how it went down, much to my surprise...

I went out tonight to spend some time with a good friend of mine. We have a tradition of going to the same concert every year and this was the weekend for that. I wanted to flirt with boys, but it was slim pickin's where we were. And I spent most of the time missing Guy. (I did get inspired to find out what the relationship status of a certain fine looking piano player I know casually is. If he's not seeing anyone, I must find a way to make him a month.)

My friend had to get home kind of early, but I wasn't ready to call it a night, so I texted a friend who I knew was planning to be out tonight. She was indeed out and demanded that I join. Well who am I to go against her orders?

We had a few drinks at a place that was full of snotty chicks with purses and fancy shoes. Nobody seemed to be having fun. I even tried to flirt with a table of guys, but they were actually mean to me. Despite all the negative vibes, there was one fellow who was pretty much asking everyone to dance. I danced with him for the Hell of it and he kept telling me how beautiful I was. This is good to hear when you've just been dumped. No matter how odd the chap saying it is.

Next, we moved on to a place downtown for some dancing. It was hot and we were all sweaty, but still we danced our patoots off. At some point, a young fellow told me I had the best hair in the bar.

More flattery! I feel better already.

Then, after we had been there for a while and I was thinking I was going to take off, these guys suddenly descended upon us. More dancing. The kind they would not have allowed at your Homecoming dance. This is where 21 comes into the picture. He was one of the guys in the group, and apparently he had picked me. He started dancing with me immediately. In a rather naughty, and very fun, way. At some point, he said something about being in school and that made me curious about his age. I asked. And choked. And then he wanted to know mine, but I wouldn't tell him.

He said I looked 22. I think I love him.

Finally I told him and he didn't believe me. God bless 'im.

We went to another place for more dancing where he tried to kiss me. I stopped him. He said I was confusing him. I told him it was just dancing tonight. It's safer that way. He didn't quite understand, but I stuck to my guns and he respected my boundaries. Just dancing. Nothing personal.

At bar close, he wanted to know where we were going next and he wanted my number. I told him I was headed home and gave him my digits. Hey...why not? I need a date for August.

He texted a short time later so I would have his digits and then asked if I wanted to hang out again. I asked if he wanted to take me out and he said he did. So we made a date for next Friday. I find myself suddenly available on the weekends, so why not go out? Beats sitting at home waiting for some hot guy I'm in love with to change his mind about me.

I'm not dense. I know this isn't going to go anywhere or turn into anything, but the guy asked me out, seems silly to decline when I need a date to get back in the game. And he thinks I'm sexy (the sexiest girl in the bar...direct quote) for my age and look like I'm 22. I have to give him at least one date. He's so good with the compliments.

He said the date was up to me, so I suggested dinner and games at one of those arcade/bar places or dinner and a movie and told him he had to choose. He decided it was late and we should figure it out tomorrow. Worked for me. I guess we'll find out his choice tomorrow. And then I have to figure out what I'm going to do on a date with a 21-year-old. Who isn't Guy.

But, hey...I have a date for August. With a 21-year-old. I can't stop laughing about it.

Eat your heart out, Guy.