S: Repeat Offender

I’ve done it again. Twice. Two colossal screw ups. In less than a week.

How am I so bad at being in a relationship? I’m a fairly normal person. I was raised in society with everyone else…by human parents.

So what’s my damage? Why do I keep doing this?

Incident the first took place in the middle of last week. As I may have mentioned before, we go on a weekly bike ride with several friends. This is a social ride. We go a certain distance and then stop for beer and chatting and general good times.

The group is pretty fluid, so Guy sends out an email every week to let people know where and when we’ll start the ride. He did this very thing last week. I happened to be on a job and accessing my email on my phone when I received the message.

Now, Guy has made mention before of people not responding to the email, including me, so I thought I would be a good girlfriend and send the response that I would not be able to go on the ride. But…and here’s what makes me think perhaps I’m not entirely equipped for society…because I can’t just say things in a normal way, everything has to be a joke, my expression of unavailability included a reference to a very common joke in our area about a nearby town (where the ride was set to stop) that has a name that can sound…ummm…crude.

Reading the email on my phone, I could only see part of the list of people addressed in the message, so I thought it was just a handful of regulars. Amongst whom the joke has been shared many times. So I sent my cute little jokey joke to everyone. I thought they would all get a kick out of it. It was only later that I saw that the list included a few other people who only sometimes ride with us and who I do not know very well. I felt awkward that I had sent the message to people I didn’t realize I was sending it to, but it wasn’t over-the-top offensive, and I didn’t make it up, so I didn’t think much of it.

Later that evening, I got an angry text message from Guy (who was on the ride) that I had sent the message to a VP at the large corporation where he works and how not good that was. I knew it was angry because it contained several exclamation points.

Having been accused recently of always assuming the worst, I tried to blow off his first message and not believe it was as angry as I had read it. I responded that I hoped I wouldn’t get fired. That did not seem to go over well. He replied that he would do damage control the next day.

I didn’t understand how it could be that huge of a deal. First, I don’t work at this company, my email practices are not dictated by them. Second, I don’t work at this company, so I don’t know a VP from an admin just by names in a reply line. Third, this is a social ride. I’ve shared a beer with this person. How am I to know she can’t be spoken to in a casual manner? And why would she be on the email list for this kind of group if she can’t understand a joke. A joke that everyone makes here. Fourth, my guess is this person didn’t even read my message. I doubt she recognizes my name and if she’s a VP, she’s too busy to read emails from people she doesn’t know about bike rides she’s not going on.

At this point, I’m sort of fed up. I’ve been getting this from many places in my life. Men get frustrated about things that aren’t huge issues and spout off in my direction. My business partner, people I write a blog with, my boyfriend. I’m done listening to it and letting it get to me, because I’m usually still agitated long after they’ve cooled off.

So I quit responding.

I stayed home that night, even though I had planned to surprise him by being at his place when he arrived home late. I didn’t text the next day until late in the afternoon when I told him I hoped he hadn’t had too much trouble with the perceived issue. He replied that he was advised not to mention it at all. And I left it at that.

Still, I didn’t want to get a talking to. I just couldn’t face the thought of another one of those “let’s tell Sheila what she did wrong over and over while she apologizes profusely” conversations. So I stayed home again. Without even a mention of my plan. Just kept quiet and laid low.

I don’t think he noticed because he never said a word.

The next day, Guy was having a few of his neighbors over for dinner and drinks. Earlier in the week, I had expressed interest in joining in on this and he had said I could come if I wanted to. But now we haven’t spoken in 2 days. Do I go? Is he still angry? Will I cause drama? (Which he has told me he does not want, so I try to be careful.)

I spent the entire day wondering what I should do. Would it be worse to go or to not go?
I went. I thought there would be more drama if I didn’t show.

I chose wisely. No drama. Things felt a little awkward at first, which could have just been me because I’m still not sure he had any idea I was avoiding him, but really we had a rather nice night. And by the next morning, things were very much back to normal.

No talking to. No argument. No mention of anything. Just normal good times.

Which lasted until about midnight last night when I committed the second infraction not 5 days later.

Yes. They are getting more frequent. I’m a veritable study in what not to do.

Last night I had dinner with my former fiancé who was in town for his sister’s wedding and some other local festivities. Due to a slight miscommunication, I wasn’t planning on spending as much time with him as I did.

When he was finally off, I texted Guy to let him know I was just starting my workout. Later, I let him know I was done, so he would have a rough idea of when I was coming over. I didn’t explicitly say I was coming over, but I always go to his place, so I figured this was assumed.

After I showered and cleaned up, I asked how long he was going to be up working so I would know whether or not I should bring work with me to do as well. Again, I didn’t actually say I was coming over, but I figured the inquiry about his plans was the indication of my intention.

Shortly after that he responded that he was heading to bed. Literally, the message was “heading to bed.” I was just a few minutes from leaving my house and was disappointed that I was going to miss him. There were many things from my day I had wanted to share with him. In fact, I had spent the better part of the day thinking about him and wanting to see him. But, I had spent quite a bit of time with my ex and it was late, so the fact that he wanted to hit the hay wasn’t objectionable. Just disappointing.

I responded that I would be there shortly. But this was several minutes after his text, and he has a tendency not to take his phone with him when he goes to bed, so I wasn’t sure if he got it or not.

At this point, in the hopes that I would still catch him awake, I hopped in the car and made the trek to his place. On the way I decided that I would wake him up in a way I knew he would like. He’s always happy when I take the initiative in our physical relationship. So I spent the entire car ride thinking sexy thoughts and looking forward to being with him.

And when I got there?

The door was locked.

I was shocked. Had I missed something? Did he not want me to come over? Did I upset him and then miss the part when he indicated that I should stay home?

This door is always unlocked. If he locks it, he does so right before he goes to bed when he’s turning out all the lights. By this time we had been in touch and he should know I was planning to be there at some point.

I sent a text knowing full well he didn’t have his phone in his bedroom. If he had had it with him, he would have seen my text about being there shortly and he would not have locked the door. I thought about calling, but it had been long enough that I doubted the phone would wake him up. Besides, I didn’t know why he locked the door. My immediate impression was that he had not intended for me to come over. And this hurt me.

In a state of utter confusion and dismay, I got back in my car and headed home. He hadn’t wanted me to come over, so what else could I do?

I sent a text asking him to please tell me next time when he’s going to lock me out so I don’t waste the fuel to get over there.

I should not have done that. I was upset and reacting and that was uncalled for.

At home, I worked for a little more than an hour and then finally climbed in bed to try to shake it off. I was still really confused about what message I had just been sent with the locked door. Was it a passive-aggressive way of telling me I waited too long to come over? (He has been frustrated by this before.)

A couple of hours later, in the middle of the night, he sent a text asking if I had called his phone. Which, of course, he would know by looking at his phone that I had not. It woke me up so I responded that I didn’t think he would hear it and I didn’t know why he had locked the door. He replied that I should have called because it was an honest mistake that could have been remedied with a simple phone call.

He wasn’t sorry. Or, if he was, he did not express it.

He said I should call next time before I lecture him. I said I would do that. And then I told him I was hurt at the time. And that was it.

Really, he’s right. I should have just called. I don’t know what my problem is.

In the morning, I sent a jokey text about something completely unrelated. 1. Because I thought it might make him smile and 2. Because I wanted to show him that I wasn’t making a big deal out of it.

Much later he texted that he couldn’t believe that I thought he locked the door on me. Exclamation point. And that it was an old habit of his to lock the door and to forgive him for falling into a good habit.

Not the text of a happy boyfriend.

I responded that it was hard to have this discussion over text, but I thought I had done something wrong without realizing it and that he hadn’t meant for me to come over. I told him I overreacted because I had been taken off guard and was hurt and that I wished he could imagine what it felt like when I arrived there looking forward to seeing him and finding a locked door. And then I apologized for overreacting.

He replied that he was sure I was “baffled” but that of course I assumed the worst.

I responded that a lot of times I’ve done something wrong without realizing it and I thought this was one of those times. I figured I had messed up and missed the part of the communication that meant he didn’t intend for me to come over.

And then I said that I guess somehow I’ve gotten paranoid.

End transmissions.

He’s right, though. I had assumed the worst. I realized my mistake as soon as he asked if I had called him.

The issue is why. How have I gotten to this point of automatically assuming, when something is out of the ordinary, that it’s because I’ve done something wrong that I don’t know I did and he’s upset with me for it? When did I stop being the sunshiny person I used to be? When did I lose sight of how funny everything is?

Maybe I’m trying to sabotage this for some reason. I don’t know why I would. I really value him in my life and think the world of him. I don’t want things to end with him, so why would I keep doing these things that upset him?

Perhaps it’s a learned response because I regularly find myself on the defense for things I don’t even know I’ve done. Things that are brought to my attention after the fact when I really can’t do anything about them. Especially at times when I think I’m being a good girlfriend or doing what should make him happy only to later find out that I’ve been screwing it up all along and I have some ‘splaining to do.

Is it because I don’t feel secure in the relationship? Because in the back of my mind I don’t think he loves me and feel like he’s always just a little bit frustrated with me? I do think I would have reacted differently if my only experience was him waiting eagerly for me to arrive. But in reality, too many times I have shown up, excited to see him, only to find someone who is very unexpectedly none-too-pleased with me .

I don’t know. I really do want to figure out why my first conclusion is often the worst. Because I still believe this man and this relationship are worth the work. He has so many great qualities and there are so many things about him that are just what I want, I can’t just give up and say it’s too hard and it’s not worth it.

Of course, I am once again feeling like this might be the last straw for him. As anxious as I am right now, I’ll go over tonight and face the music. I want to work through this and get to the bottom of my reaction and I sincerely hope that he wants to help me do that. But I know the possibility of me coming home a single woman and back in the game also exists. I can handle that. I just don’t want to.

Note: As of the time of this post, I am waiting for a response to the question of whether or not it is o.k. for me to come over. Not sure what I’ll get. At least the cats will be happy if I stay home.