S: The "F" Word

I don’t know how it happened, Dateketeers, but I do believe that I went on a non-conference date the other night. You know how sports teams will often play non-conference games during their regular seasons? Well, I think that’s what I just did. I went on a date that totally didn’t count.

At first, because I’m getting into kind of a panic about February, I was disappointed that since the plan was to attend a ticketed event, it had to happen on the 31^st and there was no way it could count as my February date. I even considered the possibility of staying out past midnight and then petitioning my very generous gal pals for leniency. But the more I thought about it, the more I was glad it could not be counted as a Date of the Month Club sanctioned date.

Because, as it turns out, it wasn’t just for fun.

On the bright side, like any good non-conference game, I got a chance to hit the field and get a little practice. Not to mention a decent night out. With leftovers. The date that keeps on giving!

On the not-so-bright side, this was not a welcome date.

This was a date with a friend. A date with a friend who I do not want to date. A date with a friend who I care about and who belongs to a larger group of friends, all of whom I do not want to end up losing in the melee of a coupleship gone bad.

Of course, in true Date Club Sheila form, in the beginning I wasn’t even sure it was a date. I had an inkling that maybe he was interested in possibly going out, but I didn’t think he was at that point really. I mean, I’ve never felt that spark, even though we hang out and have a good time together. But I have noticed him making an effort to spend time with me when we are out with the larger group. And then there we were, just the two of us on a night out, and he wouldn’t let me pay for my half of dinner. At that point it was obvious. It…was…a…date. Damn.

O.k., for me, dating a friend is a bad idea, unless there is something very clearly undeniable there. Something that tells you that if you don’t let the relationship develop into something more, it’s going to shrivel away altogether. Something you genuinely cannot avoid. Not the kind of something you can just get over with some time and perhaps someone else to focus your energy on. Something inescapable.

Here’s the deal, a friendship can continue in perpetuity. You can truly be friends with someone forever. But anything beyond friendship must, at some point, come to an end. It is very rare that a romantic relationship lasts forever. Very. Rare. This is why I do not date friends. If I am in a relationship with someone I care about and with whom I enjoy spending time, why wouldn’t I want the relationship to go on forever?

My best guy friend, from like the last 117 years, doesn’t understand the not dating friends thing. He thinks using your love for someone as a reason to keep the relationship from progressing is wrong. To him it’s obvious that you should allow yourself to get more and more involved with someone you care about. This is just how it should be done.

And I can see how that makes sense. I mean, you have to have a deep friendship with your spouse so that there is something there when the early passion is gone and everyday life replaces brief encounters and stolen glances. So, yes, it stands to reason that getting romantic with a friend would aid in this development of a deeper, more everlasting relationship.

I just can’t do it. Maybe because I can always see the end of the road. I know that eventually I will lose this person entirely once the thing has fizzled out. Perhaps it’s better not to have a crystal ball that shows you the future. Maybe it’s better not to know. Because then at least you could take a chance.

Anyway, back to the “date.” We had a good time. Of course. I always have a good time with this person. This is why I agreed to go out with him, even when I thought maybe it was a date to him but a friend thing to me. He’s a great person to spend an evening with. He’s sweet and fun and makes me laugh. And in all actuality, there was no reason I shouldn’t hang out with him.

But now it looks like we should probably have a chat. Which sucks, because I’m no good at this chat. This chat had my guy BFF and I not on speaking terms for a number of years. (See what I mean about the friend thing?) But it seems unavoidable at this point. Because, you see, he went in for a kiss. Thankfully, there was no kiss, as I could tell what was going on in enough time to dodge and maintain strict hug posture, but this was a definite sign of him thinking “more than just friends.”

And I am so not there. And now it’s weird. And I don’t want to reject him.

And I’m glad it doesn’t count.