S: The Talk...the Day After

The story of The Talk continues. And will likely continue until we arrive at Big Talk Day.

The next step for me in the Talk process was to schedule the actual day of the Big Talk. We had yet to establish when we would get together after our couple of weeks of time and space and chat about the status of us. We needed to set Big Talk Day.

After the way things were left on Monday morning, I wanted to give Guy some space. He was blindsided and frustrated and I wanted him to have a chance to come down a bit and really think about the things I had said. He has a tendency to hear my words long after I've left, once he's stopped and thought through things.

I thought I might even get an apology at some point, but I didn't.

I was thinking that if he was embarrassed or felt at all bad, he would be reticent to reach out and wait to hear from me. I let most of the day go by and then checked in with him to see how his thing from the morning had gone.

He responded with a cryptic message about how a quote about single fathers had upset him (I think I missed another message he sent but I got the gist of it). So he wasn't having a great day. I tried to make him feel better, but didn't hear back from him. A bit later I asked if he was o.k. and he said he was.

Then, I crawled out on the limb and suggested a date for BTD (Big Talk Day), slightly less than 3 weeks from now. I was nervous about bringing it all up again, but a date had to be set. This has to happen. It seemed like it took him forever to respond. But he did and was o.k. with the date. Literally. His response? "Ok."

Nothing else.

I told him if he wanted to suggest a different day, maybe sooner, he could.

Nothing.

Then I told him that if he wanted me to move on now that he should just tell me. I didn't feel like that was what he wanted and that's why I'm giving him time...and if there's a reason not to move on, I don't want to miss it...but he should tell me if I've misread the situation. I told him I wasn't trying to waste his time. I told him I couldn't tell how he was feeling about all of this.

Finally I got a response. He said he has been enjoying the time we have spent together and that he was not prepared for the discussions we had. He just didn't know what to say. He said he understood where I'm coming from and wasn't mad, just at a loss for words.

I said that this was why I thought taking some time would be good and then tried to explain that this may have seemed to come out of the blue (he was curious on Sunday night about why I was all about this before but now, not so much) because I was not that proud of my behavior and was starting to see myself go into the "I'm not going to get over this and move on" danger zone.

He said that made him feel like what we have shared is horrible and wrong. I responded that it's precisely because it's not horrible and wrong that it's a problem. That every time we are together it makes me love him. I want him to be around. I want to sleep with him. I want him to want me. But, I'm not supposed to want those things. I told him I'm supposed to be strong and move on, but I don't want to.

No reply.

Then, because I use humor to ease tension and conflict, I sent a cute message about also wanting a delicious ice cream treat. He LOL'd and said he needed that.

I love making him LOL.

A little while later he texted that he missed me. I responded in kind.

Later, while I was still trying to get some blogging done but couldn't make myself get anywhere, I texted him that I hoped he was accomplishing more than I was. He responded that he was still working, but I could come hang with him. Followed by "Ha."

I replied that I would love to hang but I knew it would only frustrate him. And then the conversation headed straight for naughtyland. Danger.

We bantered back and forth. It was flirty and kind of hot. But just texting, so not a big deal. (And, admittedly, something that had worked in the recent past). I was resistant to suggestions, but was trying to keep it fun and not preachy and serious. I didn't want to assume the worse of him. I assumed he was just having fun, not that he actually expected me to change my mind about what I had requested.

At some point I told him to stop being so cute. He responded with "stop being so stubborn." I told him it couldn't be helped.

A bit later, as I was shutting down my computer for the night, knowing I wasn't going to get any more focused on my work at that hour, he asked what happened to me and was I on my way over to his place or was I asleep. I told him I was headed to bed. He frowned at that.

More naughty flirtation. Harmless, right? Wrong.

He said he was going to drive over.

Uh oh.

I told him not to. That we couldn't. That we were supposed to be avoiding confusion so we could figure out what we wanted.

He repeated that he was driving over.

I responded with "Please. No. I'm trying to be strong. I need the security of a relationship."

No more cute. No more fun. Time for serious.

He replied that he was getting ready to leave.

I frowned.

He asked if I was going to let him in. I knew I wouldn't leave him outside if he showed up, but if I let him in, he would be hard to resist, so I couldn't really answer that. I wanted to reply with "Are you coming over to talk about a relationship?" but didn't have the guts. Instead I told him I didn't want to have sex. Then I sent a message correcting myself, saying I didn't want to have sex if we can't be together.

Nothing.

It was pretty late at this point, but I waited up in case he showed up at my house. I would have let him in so we could at least talk. And because I'm not hard-assed enough to turn someone I care about away. He never showed up.

He hasn't said a word.

I have no idea what's going on. I don't know if he was just messing with me. I don't know if he got halfway to my house and turned around. I don't know if he's angry or if he feels bad. Lesson learned: Apparently even just talking about sex adds as much confusion as the sex itself.

I haven't sent any messages to him today either. I don't really know what to say to him. I'd like him to be the first to reach out. Besides, now I'm afraid that if I do say something, it'll be construed as an invitation for sex. And I'm frustrated that he thought we would get together last night. That, after all of this, he's still pushing so hard.

What I wanted before I went to sleep was the sweet "Good night, beautiful. I miss you." message that I usually get. What I got was the feeling that I was somehow a bad person for refusing to sleep with a guy I'm not even dating. And the feeling that the guy I wish I were dating is not as fantastic as I once thought he was once.

And the sad thing is...I would have loved to sleep with him last night. It was great that he was so excited by the thought of me that he wanted to hop in his car and drive over. Except, what I really want is for that to be happening inside the confines of a committed relationship.

O.k., and this is something new that is concerning me...an effect of the "let's not have sex and think about what we want" decree. What if he decides to get back together just for the sex? I don't want him to come over and say that he wants to be with me because he has needs that must be met. I don't want him to give into my desire for a relationship just so we can sleep together again. And now, how will I know that he's not?

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we go on more than one date with our Date Club fellas.