J: Rejection 101

I’m coming to the point where I am going to need to let Suitor #8 know that I’m not going to go on another date with him.

My bestest guy friend tells me that I should have already informed the guy of this fact. I missed my opportunity, apparently, when I responded to his request for a 2nd date with “I already have plans for tonight.” According to him, that was the perfect opportunity to let #8 know that it’s not just tonight that I’m busy…it’s every single other night in the foreseeable future.

Apparently, it’s not a “kindness” to ignore the texts and the invitations and hope that he gets the hint. Yes, I could do exactly that and eventually he’d get it. But really, it’s just not nice. My bestest guy friend also said that he would much rather be told up front that a girl he had asked out “just wasn’t feeling it” so that he could move on instead of obsessing over whether his timing was just bad/he didn’t give her enough advance notice/maybe her schedule would lighten up next week.

Valid point.

I had a very different conversation with Sheila. According to her, at this point this guy isn’t going over the top for me. (For God’s sake…when he asked me out for our second date, it was with less than 24 hours notice!) In S’s words “it’s not like he had a hot air balloon ride planned…he wasn’t slaying dragons for you or writing you poetry or buying you flowers.” Until he shows that he’s head over heels for me, there’s really no need to have the conversation. It’s perfectly okay to just let things dwindle away until the point at which he informs me that his life is not worth living without me…at which point, I really have no choice but to respond.

Another valid point…and truthfully, one that I much prefer. Especially as her approach doesn’t involve any kind of “I’m not feeling the chemistry with you” discussion. (Conflict avoidance-my favorite!)

With these two opposing opinions, I went to scour one of my favorite dating books (“How to Get a Date Worth Keeping” by Dr. Henry Cloud) for advice in this area. As far as I could tell, the book had just four paragraphs on rejection. (Really? Just FOUR!!?!?) Under the sub-heading of “Move beyond the Fear of Hurting Someone” Dr. Cloud offered up the following very basic advice: be honest from the beginning. As long as you’re being honest, you’re not responsible for his feelings. “He or she is an adult and freely chooses to be in the dating arena.” And we should all be very aware of the fact that being in the dating arena, by it’s very nature, means a whole bunch of rejection.

Okay, so, apparently, that’s where I got into trouble.

Because, when this guy looked me in the eyes after lunch and said “we should get together again” I just couldn’t make myself say “Thanks for paying for my lunch, but ya know…I’m just not feeling any chemistry between us. I actually didn’t feel anything from the start but figured that I’d give you another chance because…what the heck...but, um…yeah…you still aren’t knocking my socks off.” I can’t do that! So I found myself saying: “Sure” or some other such stumbly response.

And… I gave him a hug. A HUG?!? Yep.

But, that’s me…I’m a hugger. I hug. Everyone. Just the other day I hugged a coworker I hadn’t seen in awhile. I realized about a half of a second too late that hugs aren’t exactly appropriate work etiquette in the corporate environment, but that’s just the way I am. Sorry!

So, big surprise… after the date, I found myself in the middle of giving a hug before I realized that it probably wasn’t the best idea.

Back to my conversation with my bestest guy friend…apparently when his date initiates a post-date hug, it’s seen as an encouragement. Grrreat. So, um, how are you really supposed to part ways? A high five? A handshake? A “good game” pat on the butt?

So, lessons learned here: (1) no hugs and (2) I need a better response than “sure”. But, for now, I still need to deal with this. I guess the question comes down to: if I run into this guy again, what can I live with?

There is the distinct possibility that I could see him at the next 8-minute event. Do I really want to have to miss out on future speed dating fun just because I’m too chicken to tell one guy how I really feel? How does that 8-minute conversation go?

Jane: “Hiya, I remember you…you took me to lunch and we never spoke again because I was avoiding you by claiming to be waaaaay too busy. But look, I’m obviously not too busy now, if I’m here again, looking to meet new boys.”

Annnnd we’re back to where we started.

When talking about this with another good friend she told me that she never felt so free as when she first learned how to tell a guy that she just wasn’t interested in a relationship. I would like that!

At this point, at this very moment, I don’t have to do anything. I’ll wait and see if he asks me out again and then from how he asks, I’ll figure out how to deal with it. But, here’s the thing…if I don’t figure this out with this guy, I still will eventually have to learn. Might as well suck it up now and start learning. I've got a lot of year ahead of me.